I don't think my daughter is mine

[usa1ah]

I will concede that his wife's actions with her ex are suspicious. (she shouldn't be doing all that) but that is what he should be addressing directly.

 

Assuming the kid is his, I don't feel like getting a DNA test is going to make him feel any better about her actions. I mean, people have spouses who've cheated and they don't have kids. They don't feel any less ****ty. Why bring the kids into it? If you want a divorce just get one. If you don't, then tell her she must stop talking to that dude and that's final.

 

I believe he has tried. She just keeps saying their just friends.

[usa1ah]

OP,

 

 

 

Sometimes I wish I didn't know he did it, but on the other hand, knowing there was never a doubt it was his, I'm glad he knows 100% or 99.999% that there's no doubt and I would never pin a child on a man like that.

 

The problem is many women have done this.

[dichotomy]

I think much has been said about you and how this affects you.

 

 

There is also the issue of the Child to consider. Some place in the world do not allow for "anonymous" sperm donors anymore. They believe the child has a right to know its heritage - cultural and medical. I understand or at least acknowledge it as a point of debate. However I wonder in those places that no longer allow anonymous donors - why they dont test the baby and husband/father at the time of all births (i.e. children by unknown affairs).

 

If it comes back you are not the biological father (you are a father) think the concern whether or not to tell the child will be a tough one.

Edited January 13, 2017 by dichotomy

[VicHri]

I need to vent here before I do something I'll regret. I can be an ******* here it doesn't affect my personal life, maybe once I've calmed down I can talk to her without doing something stupid. Be warned, I will probably sound like a giant dick coming up.

 

The DNA test results came back today and I starred at the email all day before opening it. I can usually handle myself well in situations, but I have never been in a situation like this before and I don't want to take anything out on my children... or wife (even though I feel like I do, really I don't).

 

My daughter is not my biological daughter. That kills me to write, knowing the certainty. She is not my daughter... On at least one occasion my wife slept with another man, most likely her ex. Right now I am so pissed off that I want to assume she just slept around with a ton of men and lord knows who the biological father is. Then I want to say, no I know my wife and she'd never do that. I also thought she would never do this. I extended a lot of trust to her regarding her ex and she abused it. What else has she lied to me about? I have no idea who I'm married to. Are my boys even mine? Who knows at this point. Maybe they each have a different dad.

 

I knew that was a possible result and expected it but it is a hard pill to swallow. I'm hurt and I'm angry that my wife would allow this to happen. Was she ever going to inform me of this? I'm hurt for my daughter who will have to deal with this for the rest of her life. I can't even begin to decide how to tell her this information, and when. I'm devastated that my daughter isn't my daughter. She will always be my daughter, and this changes nothing in how I see her. If anything I want to protect her more. It devastates me that if my wife and I divorce I will have to fight harder for my daughter.

 

I'm furious at my wife for not honoring our wedding vows. I'm furious that she could go behind my back for so long. All I can think of is: How many times did she sleep with him? How long did it go on? Is it still going on? Does she know that's not my daughter? Is there any other 'contenders' in the running for father? Was she ever going to tell me? Does she want to go back to him? The sex obviously wasn't protected, was he clean? Did she get pregnant by him on purpose? Was she preventing pregnancy with me so she could get pregnant by him?

 

I need the answers. I know if I confront my wife right now it's not going to go over well. It could be the end of the marriage, depending on her answers. I can't confront her when internally I'm raging.

 

Regardless of how pissed off I am and how horrible of a thing my wife did, I can't talk to her like this or take my anger out on her. I'm an adult, I need to act like one. Right now that's increasingly difficult. I feel like I'm about to burst and just start screaming at her. Just sitting here I'm shaking from anger.

 

I don't regret knowing, I needed to know. My daughter will need to know one day. I don't know what in the world I'm suppose to say to my wife and what she could possibly say. I don't even know what I want her to say.

Edited January 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm furious at my wife for not honoring our wedding vows. I'm furious that she could go behind my back for so long. All I can think of is: How many times did she sleep with him? How long did it go on? Is it still going on? Does she know that's not my daughter? Is there any other 'contenders' in the running for father? Was she ever going to tell me? Does she want to go back to him? The sex obviously wasn't protected, was he clean? Did she get pregnant by him on purpose? Was she preventing pregnancy with me so she could get pregnant by him?

 

You know your wife better than anyone. But I think you should proceed based on the most rational explanation - she hasn't had multiple affairs, there isn't a list of contenders, etc. She had - or is having - and affair with her ex. Plan accordingly.

 

Sorry you - and your daughter - find yourself in this awful position. Keep posting, lots of support here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Birdies]

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that. What an awful situation. This is completely inexcusable by your wife, and I say that as someone who had a prolonged affair in my marriage. I think the depths of this deception, and the fact that your wife is still closely intertwined with her ex, likely means that your marriage is not sustainable… even if you could forgive her.

 

I would recommend you Google infidelity support forum to find a website where they will help guide you through the process of splitting up. Do some reading on there before you confront her. You want to have a very clear plan for how to move forward, and the first moves are important in not giving her the upper hand.

 

Good luck and my sympathies to you, friend.

[Mr. Lucky]

I need the answers. I know if I confront my wife right now it's not going to go over well. It could be the end of the marriage, depending on her answers. I can't confront her when internally I'm raging.

 

The fate of your marriage depends on her actions - past, present and future - and not on your mood or demeanor...

 

Mr. Lucky

[40somethingGuy]

I need to vent here before I do something I'll regret. I can be an ******* here it doesn't affect my personal life, maybe once I've calmed down I can talk to her without doing something stupid. Be warned, I will probably sound like a giant dick coming up.

 

The DNA test results came back today and I starred at the email all day before opening it. I can usually handle myself well in situations, but I have never been in a situation like this before and I don't want to take anything out on my children... or wife (even though I feel like I do, really I don't).

 

{snip}

 

Have you decided on how you will confront your wife? maybe hold off on the email and just say 'its time to come clean with your secret' and see how forthright she is. If she acts like she has no idea what you're talking about then she fails.

Edited January 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't know what in the world I'm suppose to say to my wife and what she could possibly say.

 

Wasn't quick enough, also meant to caution you that, whatever she initially says, it most likely won't be the whole truth. You should tell her in this first conversation you'll need a polygraph to verify anything she says...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beautifulinside2]

This is the place to come for you to express your anger and frustrations. Hopefully, at some point you will get to a level of calmness where you can express yourself to your wife, and prepare for her to lie to you. That's what liars and manipulators do. I would not expect transparency...

 

 

I must admit you have already handled this situation better than any person I know. I don't know anyone who would feel comfortable with the arrangement you have been apart of for several years. Would you really want to repair this relationship knowing she was capable of hiding something like this over the years and having an affair? Do you really believe she could regain your trust? Obviously she knew of this long ago, hence sending pictures to the ex, and wanting to have both the stable home life and the occasional fling.

Proceed with caution... and with your eyes wide open.

[VicHri]

I do need to think rationally and not decide that she has banged every man in this country. It's surprisingly hard at this moment. Right now I'm thinking every mean and horrible thing possible, and that's not me. Not at all. I know talking to her right now would be a mistake. I have to let the news (I cannot think of the English phrase right now) "settle in" so I don't do something worse than she has done.

 

I don't know what I want to hear from my wife. I suppose the best possible outcome would be that it was a one time affair, but I somehow have doubts about that. If it were she would have (or should have) cut off contact with him to prevent it from happening again. We were actively (at least I was) trying to get pregnant when "our" daughter was conceived, she would have (should have) taken extra measures to prevent a pregnancy from him. Unless it was (again can't think of the English word) intentionally. There is no good answer.

 

I don't know how I'm going to bring this up to her. I'm ready to kill someone but I'm not ready to divorce her. Maybe that makes me a moron. There are so many possibilities for how to tell her that I know. I need to know what has been going on and how salvageable this is. In my head I keep going over what I could deal with and what I couldn't. I have a feeling once the truth starts coming out of her mouth that will change.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm ready to kill someone but I'm not ready to divorce her.

 

You shouldn't make any decisions - this one included - until you have the facts. Knowledge is power, especially in situations like yours. Think long term...

 

Mr. Lucky

[VicHri]

You shouldn't make any decisions - this one included - until you have the facts. Knowledge is power, especially in situations like yours. Think long term...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Fair point. I don't know what I'm agreeing to or not.

[VicHri]

This is the place to come for you to express your anger and frustrations. Hopefully, at some point you will get to a level of calmness where you can express yourself to your wife, and prepare for her to lie to you. That's what liars and manipulators do. I would not expect transparency...

 

 

I must admit you have already handled this situation better than any person I know. I don't know anyone who would feel comfortable with the arrangement you have been apart of for several years. Would you really want to repair this relationship knowing she was capable of hiding something like this over the years and having an affair? Do you really believe she could regain your trust? Obviously she knew of this long ago, hence sending pictures to the ex, and wanting to have both the stable home life and the occasional fling.

Proceed with caution... and with your eyes wide open.

 

Well apparently they would be better off for not being part of that arrangement. It's not so much being a better person as it is being stupid.

 

She has lied to me this long, there is no reason for me to believe that she will tell the truth now. I'll catch her off guard and who knows what she will come up with to try and justify it. I don't know how much I can handle, right now I can't make that call.

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree with the DNA test just to put your mind at ease but also want to say don't put too much stock into eye colour or hair colour. My youngest son was born with very blond (almost white) hair and very light clear blue eyes and he stayed that way until he was about 5. He didn't resemble either his father or myself and if I hadn't seen him the very second I gave birth to him I would have thought they switched my baby,lol. Then both his hair colour and eye colour ever so slowly started to change but not before he was about six years old and it was very gradual. By the time he was a teenager his hair had turned as dark as mine and his eyes had become a dark green.

 

Yeah.

 

If I hadn't have spent three days in labor for my daughter I would have wanted a maternity test! She's only just starting to look like me at 7.

 

As well there's a black woman (some mixed race but very definitely African descent) at my church who just had a white, blonde, blue-eyes kid. I honestly thought he was adopted. His brother looks similar and the sister looks like her.

[dreamingoftigers]

I do need to think rationally and not decide that she has banged every man in this country. It's surprisingly hard at this moment. Right now I'm thinking every mean and horrible thing possible, and that's not me. Not at all. I know talking to her right now would be a mistake. I have to let the news (I cannot think of the English phrase right now) "settle in" so I don't do something worse than she has done.

 

I don't know what I want to hear from my wife. I suppose the best possible outcome would be that it was a one time affair, but I somehow have doubts about that. If it were she would have (or should have) cut off contact with him to prevent it from happening again. We were actively (at least I was) trying to get pregnant when "our" daughter was conceived, she would have (should have) taken extra measures to prevent a pregnancy from him. Unless it was (again can't think of the English word) intentionally. There is no good answer.

 

I don't know how I'm going to bring this up to her. I'm ready to kill someone but I'm not ready to divorce her. Maybe that makes me a moron. There are so many possibilities for how to tell her that I know. I need to know what has been going on and how salvageable this is. In my head I keep going over what I could deal with and what I couldn't. I have a feeling once the truth starts coming out of her mouth that will change.

 

I'm really sorry that you are going through this but I also this it is great of you to still be her Dad unfailingly.

 

You deserved so much better.

[IfonlyIknew]

I'm so sorry, but that man was a sperm donor. You are her father. I imagine you are on the birth certificate or have signed the acknowledgement at birth, you are legally her father she can't do anything, and you've been in her life since day 1, the court looks at the family dynamic and sides with "the best interest of the children". All she needs to know right now is that you know she cheated on you. She doesn't need to know how you know or what facts you have until you feel you are ready, or just hand her the paperwork when no one is around tonight.. don't even say anything let her do the talking.

[Timshel]

You need time to process...to absorb what you have learned. It would be better to have some time.

 

Are you able to get away for 24/48 hrs.? Go to a hotel, get away and clear your head?

[DKT3]

Honestly, this isn't a calm down situation....I was in your shoes, not with my wife but as a teenager. You won't be less angry in a week or two. Maybe more so as you replay things in your head.

 

I believe the best way to confront her is directly and to the point. If you fear your anger will get the best of you, invite a third-party, maybe your parents or a sibling or even a therapist if you can hold on long enough for an appointment. My guess is not. I'm guessing that if you don't plan to do it quickly, you will do it unexpectedly, that is when things can get real ugly real fast.

 

Prepare yourself for the worst.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

[oldshirt]

Ouch!! That stings!!!!!

 

Step #1 - get the best family law attorney money can buy.

 

Step #2 - do what he/she says.

 

Any decisions you make and any actions you take at the moment will be wrong.

 

This is a complicated powder keg that could blow up in your face at any moment.

 

Don't do anything without the advisement of your attorney.

[aileD]

I would give your wife a chance to come clean. It will say a lot about her and what your going to be dealing with.

 

Tell her all the suspicions you told us (leaving out the DNA test) and flat out ask her these two things:

 

- have you ever been unfaithful to me with him?

- is there ANY chance I could not be her biological father?

 

If she flat out lies to you, leave the house with the kids for a few days and forward her that email with the results. Tell her when she wants to start being honest then you will come home to talk.

 

If she's honest with the questions then that's at least a little better...go from there .

 

 

I'm sorry. You'll always be her dad.

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure what confronting the wife can even accomplish. Whats she going to say?? That she was abducted by aliens for genetic research???

 

Get a lawyer and find out your rights and responsibilities.

 

Then follow the lawyer's advice.

[lolablue17]

I'm so sorry for you. I wouldn't wish that to happen to my worst enemy. You got good advices here. I just want to help you to focus a little bit.

 

Yes, it could be anything, but if you want to go for the most reasonable scenario, remembering the fact that your daughter looks very much like her sister, most chances that your wife's ex is the father.

 

It's very strange if she took the decision to sleep with him only once, on the exact period you both were trying to have a baby. The logical options are she was doing it with him on a regular bases when she was visiting him. The only question is, is it over or not.

 

Anyway, What I'm trying to convince you is that your wife will not help you to have better knowledge about what should you do next. She is the most important person in your life, you love her, so your first instinct is to talk everything out with her. It's like you hope that she will say something that will give you some certainty, or solid ground. It's an illusion. A mirage.

 

You already know what happened. Yes, she slept with him at least several times as a steady thing on her visits. The only way you can believe her after confronting, is that she will admit sleeping with him every time she was visiting him. You can't believe to less that that. Anything less than that might be a lie. Don't expect a liar to tell you the truth.

 

Read my words and memorize them - You will never believe that woman again for ever. If you imagine to get any truth about anything, forget it. Not gonna happen. Never.

 

That is why you should focus on yourself. It's good not to take decisions right now. I strongly recommend you to talk about it with people you trust, friends and family. They will help you to process everything. Don't go to your wife, she's the last person who can help you with any solution. it's complicated, with lots of consequences, and needed to carefully being taken care of.

 

You must go to your wife ONLY after you have made up your mind, with full knowing about what you want to do. Her confession is not a factor. Her wishes are not a factor. He explanations is not a factor, the fact she will admit are not a factor. SHE IS NOT A FACTOR!

 

The sad thing is that you will never find a win win of genius solution. It's either divorce, or staying with her, knowing it will never be the same. You can't even tell her to never visit him, because you can't expect her to never meet her daughter, or to expect your daughter to never meet her sister.

 

So If you stay, any solution will include her having the chance to sleep with him at any time there. I don't know how can you pass that...

 

Don't seek her... She is only a small factor in YOUR equation.

[sandylee1]

Oh dear. I'm so sorry about this news. What a horrible betrayal.

 

You need to arrange for the kids to be away and talk/confront her about it.

 

I suggest you make a note of the questions you want to ask her.

 

I know you're angry, hurt, devastated and sad, but make her feel safe to tell you the whole truth.

 

She'll probably be afraid that you'll divorce her and think there's no point in telling you the entire truth, (like how long it's been going on, is it still going on, was she planning to leave you etc...), but you are better off saying that the future of your marriage depends on her answering:

 

all of your questions honestly, because if you later find out anything she's told you is a lie or that she has lied by ommision, you will file for D.

 

Considering the massive betrayal and deception that's already happened, the very least she owes you is the truth. Tell her if she has any love or respect for you, you want the truth and you want it now. NO MORE LIES

[anna121]

I am really sorry to hear this.

 

There's been some good advice already. You don't need to decide what to do now. But, do have a plan for confronting her so that you don't do it on the fly.