I don't think my daughter is mine

[Jersey born raised]

Not sure of your country but I would bet it allows a quicker time frame in case of divorce. Also it is one year separation if both agree to it, two to three if one opposes.

[Poutrew]

I agree with the other posters on this fact: the other man knows it is his daughter. The only thing keeping him quiet is the sham which depends on your wife playing her part. If he wants to claim custody, there would be nothing stopping him from doing so if he knows the act has been blown. This is a decision you may have to face if you cannot find proof he knew that it was his daughter - can you keep quiet and stay 'fat, dumb, and happy' for the next few years until your daughter turns 5? Are you strong enough, and a good enough actor, to fool your wife long enough to guarantee permanent paternity of your daughter? <sigh> The things we must sometimes do for the future...

[VicHri]

I took a guess about what country you are in and did some reading. Maintaince is usually limited to one or two years and while you are correct about custom, custom is changing rapidly. Please double check.

 

You need to exspouse to her family to start with. If your paying for the child, the bio gets no visitation at the expense of your sons. Both of your sons are of an age they need to be told about the adultery. Do not allow you sons to live in a lie.

 

The length of maintenance is dependent on the situation. If my wife and I had no children I would pay maintenance until she was able to find a job to support herself. That is when the shorter limit comes into factor.

 

I'm not telling either of our sons that their mother is a cheater. There is no use in telling them that information. I'm not taking my anger out that way.

 

Not sure of your country but I would bet it allows a quicker time frame in case of divorce. Also it is one year separation if both agree to it, two to three if one opposes.

 

If we both agree to the divorce, there is no mandatory separation time. On average it takes a couple months for the divorce to go through, sometimes up to 6. The 2 year separation is only waived in situations with physical violence.

 

I agree with the other posters on this fact: the other man knows it is his daughter. The only thing keeping him quiet is the sham which depends on your wife playing her part. If he wants to claim custody, there would be nothing stopping him from doing so if he knows the act has been blown. This is a decision you may have to face if you cannot find proof he knew that it was his daughter - can you keep quiet and stay 'fat, dumb, and happy' for the next few years until your daughter turns 5? Are you strong enough, and a good enough actor, to fool your wife long enough to guarantee permanent paternity of your daughter? <sigh> The things we must sometimes do for the future...

 

This is something that I've been thinking about. I don't know how well I'd be able to keep the act up.

[sandylee1]

The key is actually finding proof that he knows she's his daughter, because we know he knows. It's just proving it. I'm sure they would have been smart enough not to put anything in writing, but I bet they did a paternity test.

 

Could you go back through old bank statements of hers, in case she bought it and it's shown?

I also can't recall, has she taken your daughter on one of the trips to see her older child when he would have been there?

 

That's most likely when they would have taken the samples to send off. Chances are they used his postal address, unless he's married. Is he married?

[dichotomy]

If you have not confronted your wife yet - I would test your sons - just so you know it all.

If your son's are your's and you love your non biological daughter than I would suggest you consider staying married for your sons and others - but consider a number of alternative arrangements for you and your wife in the "new" marriage going forward. I suspect its not unusual in someplace for people to remain more like people living in the same home and co-parenting.

 

I dont know the ins and outs of your wife and your day to day relationship so I can't say if she is a good wife beyond the cheating.

 

Beyond the legal issues of your wife's ex claiming paternity or not - you will have to still considering that on a practical level this ex may have a relationship and connection to your daughter. You daughter may have fluctuating feelings over her life towards you and her biological donor/father. I suspect long after your feelings over your wife's cheating have gone down - you will live forever with the damage and loss between your daughter and you. Yes - I get the "your still her dad" view because you love and raise you - but also your not. She has two dads.

 

I dont mean to be cruel - but I raised my oldest daughter since she was 7. She lived with me 98% of her life from age 7 on. She is an adult now. She knows I was the good healthy caring dad who raised her and provided for her - yet she also feels a strong bond via DNA to her bio dad. Neither myself nor my oldest daughter can deny the traits/behaviors/thinking/appearance she has with her biodad.

 

While I love her - there is no denying we lack the complete bond I have with my biological children. With my other Children - there is no denying I see my family in them - their appearance, sense of humor, emotional make up - I see it every day. I see my late mom and dad, my sisters/brother, myself in them. I think even IF i had raised my oldest daughter from birth - there would be no denying the DNA inherited traits. You will always love your daughter - and she you - but I suspect it will be a different type of love in the future it will evolve differently now.

 

I am sorry for all this. Get you sons tested before making any more moves. Also before confronting your wife - spy on her - check her phone computers, hire an investigator - so you can know all you need to know about her current fidelity and loyalty to you.

Edited January 15, 2017 by dichotomy

[rick2016]

What country is EU..., there is no doubt he knew it was his daughter, your wife made sure she took her for the visits, if i remember way back in the posts. Proving it is another thing...but the lawyer should beable to suggest what you need.

I would ask him if recording would be legal without the other persons knowledge, but i would record your wifes reaction to what you know anyways, for reference later..

[MJJean]

The timing of the sex and pregnancy, the appearance of the child, the weekly pictures, etc.....are those enough to prove to the court that they both knew the OM was the father and did nothing for over a year?

 

Divorce or stay, the reality is that secrets have a way of being found out. Personally, I think it's better for the kids to be told in an age appropriate way and grow up with the truth than to find out accidentally later or be told once they are older. Were I you, I'd tell the children the truth now and save them the trauma of finding out later and feeling as if their entire lives were a lie.

 

I know some would say I am crazy, but I have a rather unique perspective. I am the adult version of your daughter. I have an older sibling my mother gave up for adoption. I am also the child of an extramarital affair who was raised by a man not my biological father. Trust me, honesty is better.

[oldshirt]

I hate being the one who was left "in the dark" but legally it works in my favor if he has known all along. If it can be proven that he has known for over a year then he can't get rights to see or contact her. Losing my daughter would be the worst part of this.

 

He has probably known all along. Proving it will be the challenge.

 

You would be wise to hold off on confronting her until you have had a chance to go back through emails and other correspondence to see if there is anything there that confirms he was aware of her paternity.

[oldshirt]

 

I'm not telling either of our sons that their mother is a cheater. There is no use in telling them that information. I'm not taking my anger out that way.

 

.

 

When this all comes out, they will need to be informed of why their home is being thrown into disarray.

 

This is not about anger and vengeance on your part. This is not revenge.

 

This informing them about the reality of their world.

[dichotomy]

Eventually it will all come out - your sons will know - that their sister is their half sister, and that mommy had sex with another man while married to daddy - and continued to see that man.

 

No way around it - its only how and when they are told.

 

Children when young can be very accepting and non judgmental. We live in a complex world of different families these days...but as they get older your wife will see different responses and view points from them that might not be so pleasant.

[oldshirt]

When this all comes out, they will need to be informed of why their home is being thrown into disarray.

 

This is not about anger and vengeance on your part. This is not revenge.

 

This informing them about the reality of their world.

 

If this is not done, they may think that this is all their fault. Many children during times of divorce and marital discord blame themselves or feel that it is somehow their fault.

 

There is also great risk that if you do not take definitive action and do inform them of the reasons for the conflict that you will be role modeling victimization behavior to them. You will be role modeling that it is ok for women to carry on a double life and raise a family with other men and deceive them into thinking the affair children are their own. You will be raising your boys to be cuckolded and chumped.

 

And it is an important part of their human development to see that actions have consequences and that unacceptable behavior is not to be accepted.

 

You don't need to get into fine detail and tell them what positions and what kinks they were into, but they are entitled to know that their home and family is being upended because their mother was carrying on an affair with another man/men.

 

And finally, if they are not informed of the actual reasons for the conflict, they may think that YOU are to blame.

 

This is a slam-dunk, they need to be informed in an age appropriate manner.

[Timshel]

I'm not telling either of our sons that their mother is a cheater. There is no use in telling them that information. I'm not taking my anger out that way.

 

I agree with this. There are far more pressing issues to address and I wholeheartedly disagree with throwing a parent under the bus.

 

If and when this knowledge becomes beneficial to the well being of your children (I do not see.) Then you will know.

 

If you remain married, this information thrust on your children is detrimental, wholly unproductive.

If you choose divorce, then effective co-parenting would be compromised.

 

Focus on what needs to be done today only. Telling your minor children about your wife's infidelity is hardly a priority.

[DKT3]

Vic, the worse thing you can do is nothing. I know you just got your proof and your head is spinning. But just going along holding it all in is the most unhealthy thing you can do. It's not going to fix itself

[Timshel]

This has been on my mind and I would like to add...wth are people thinking involving children in 'grown up' (read childish, selfish, indulgent on his wife's part) situations such as this.

 

This kind of pisses me off when some people think involving children in a situation that is adult and has nothing to do with the kids think.....well, it would be better to drag them into our f'd up situation so I can have them on my side. There is no side from a child's perspective.

Only parents (hypothetical adults) who they love and look up to.

 

Good for you, OP for being sensible.

[oldshirt]

This has been on my mind and I would like to add...wth are people thinking involving children in 'grown up' (read childish, selfish, indulgent on his wife's part) situations such as this.

 

This kind of pisses me off when some people think involving children in a situation that is adult and has nothing to do with the kids think.....well, it would be better to drag them into our f'd up situation so I can have them on my side. There is no side from a child's perspective.

Only parents (hypothetical adults) who they love and look up to.

 

Good for you, OP for being sensible.

 

Children are human beings and they do have a right to know why their world is being turned upside down.

 

I agree that it is not necessarily a "priority" at this very moment. But if there is going to be a significant change in their daily routine, especially if there is going to high conflict in the house or if one parent is going to living out of the house, they do have a fundamental right to know what is going on.

 

I would agree that they are not entitled to know that their mother met John Smith in room #217 at the Sheridan Hotel on 63rd St where they engaged in oral sex and then proceeded to have sexual intercourse in missionary, reverse cowgirl and doggy positions.

 

But at some point it will be prudent to inform them in an age-appropriate manner that mom violated one of the most fundamental tenets of marriage and carried on an ongoing relationship with someone else for many years and lied and deceived everyone about it for a long long time.

 

That is not revenge. That is not "involving the children." that is not vengeance to malign the WS. It is simply the facts of why their lifestyle and daily routine is changing and in the case of divorce - why their parents are living in two separate homes and they are being shuffled off between parents.

 

Many WS's may not like and would prefer that everything just be swept under the rug and the kids be kept as ignorant as possible and told that mommy and daddy would rather simply have two different houses.

 

But kids aren't any less intelligent and any less aware of their surroundings than adults and they have a fundamental right to know that their lives are changing and why.

[oldshirt]

 

Many WS's may not like and would prefer that everything just be swept under the rug and the kids be kept as ignorant as possible and told that mommy and daddy would rather simply have two different houses.

 

.

 

 

And also, it's not about getting the kids on anyone's "side." It is simply acknowledging their reality.

 

If the kids become upset or are disappointed in the WS or hold some resentment towards them, that is simply one of the prices WS's pay for their extra fun.

[Timshel]

There's a middle ground here.

 

First, OP has not dealt with the liar yet. This is still ground zero and I know that you agree.

 

Second, everything will fall from first in an organized, loving way, based on OP's posts.

 

Third, I get your point Oldshirt, I do. There is no reason to involve the children at their age. I can't back down from this as I do see it as harmful to the kids.

I agree, kids are smart, they get angst.

 

This is OP and his wife's rodeo. I know I won't change your mind, not trying to...I feel that OP has bigger fish to fry atm and if he were to tell the kids, now is not the time.

 

The dust has not settled.

[sandylee1]

The boys are 8 and 6 years old, much too young to be told that their sister is their half sister and how it occurred.

 

OP

It's unrealistic to think they will never know the truth though. At this point your DD has a full sister, who may want to meet her some day, just as she may want to meet her half brothers.

 

You don't know whether your wife and her Ex have already told their older DD that she has a full sister.

 

While you can control how you react and behave, you can't predict or control what others do. Your wife could decide to tell your sons herself, once she knows you know.

 

Even if the OM doesn't challenge paternity now, your wife can arrange for him to meet with her and they form a relationship of sorts. Who knows if he hasn't spent time in your area and your wife has taken DD to see him and spend time with him.

 

There was a WW who used to take her DD to meet the bio dad did here on LS and her husband didn't know anything about it.

 

There are many factors to consider, but this isn't something you can prevent your sons from knowing forever, unless:

 

- your W goes total NC with her Ex

- you don't get divorced

- you both agree never to tell

anyone about it.

 

It's not the first time that has happened, in fact I have a distant relative who raised a child as his own, but something tells me your wife won't be willing to go no contact and fully cut her Ex out of her life.

 

Only time will tell. Take care.

[BluesPower]

OldShirt it right...

 

In an age appropriate manner, the children have to be told.

 

And by the way, I thought I had don't some really bad stuff, and my wife as well, but this is beyond the pale.

 

How could any woman ever do this to a man that loved her, even if she did not love him in the slightest. My wife has screwed me over but this type of thing makes her look like an angel compared to this woman. OMG.

 

I can't even wrap my head around it.

[MJJean]

Are we all forgetting that this little girl has a right to know who her biological father is?

[road]

When this all comes out, they will need to be informed of why their home is being thrown into disarray.

 

This is not about anger and vengeance on your part. This is not revenge.

 

This informing them about the reality of their world.

 

If this is not done, they may think that this is all their fault. Many children during times of divorce and marital discord blame themselves or feel that it is somehow their fault.

 

There is also great risk that if you do not take definitive action and do inform them of the reasons for the conflict that you will be role modeling victimization behavior to them. You will be role modeling that it is ok for women to carry on a double life and raise a family with other men and deceive them into thinking the affair children are their own. You will be raising your boys to be cuckolded and chumped.

 

And it is an important part of their human development to see that actions have consequences and that unacceptable behavior is not to be accepted.

 

You don't need to get into fine detail and tell them what positions and what kinks they were into, but they are entitled to know that their home and family is being upended because their mother was carrying on an affair with another man/men.

 

And finally, if they are not informed of the actual reasons for the conflict, they may think that YOU are to blame.

 

This is a slam-dunk, they need to be informed in an age appropriate manner.

 

Told without anger just the facts.

 

 

Children from the age of will understand what happened. When told that mom's/dad's do not have BF/GF's. Well mom has a BF and goes on dates

with him. The BF's name is _________ _________.

[road]

There's a middle ground here.

 

First, OP has not dealt with the liar yet. This is still ground zero and I know that you agree.

 

Second, everything will fall from first in an organized, loving way, based on OP's posts.

 

Third, I get your point Oldshirt, I do. There is no reason to involve the children at their age. I can't back down from this as I do see it as harmful to the kids.

I agree, kids are smart, they get angst.

 

This is OP and his wife's rodeo. I know I won't change your mind, not trying to...I feel that OP has bigger fish to fry atm and if he were to tell the kids, now is not the time.

 

The dust has not settled.

 

 

 

Because you do not see the harm done to the children by lying, and not just short term but long term effects. Much worse then having the truth so they do not place the burden as a fault that only if they were a better kid this would of not happened.

[road]

 

 

 

There was a WW who used to take her DD to meet the bio dad did here on LS and her husband didn't know anything about it.

 

 

 

So.

 

 

Because someone else did something bad it is ok for others?

Or does it justify not taking proper measures after the BH finds out?

[rick2016]

The little girl is 3 yrs old, way to young to be talking to her about this stuff...

[Timshel]

Because you do not see the harm done to the children by lying, and not just short term but long term effects. Much worse then having the truth so they do not place the burden as a fault that only if they were a better kid this would of not happened.

 

 

Lying?? Since when are the kids involved to the point they are being lied to now??

The lying wife does not even know, but it's imperative to inform little children?

 

I'm standing my ground on this, find a battle elsewhere.