I don't think my daughter is mine

[Timshel]

Are we all forgetting that this little girl has a right to know who her biological father is?

 

-------Nope.

[MJJean]

Lying?? Since when are the kids involved to the point they are being lied to now??

The lying wife does not even know, but it's imperative to inform little children?

 

I'm standing my ground on this, find a battle elsewhere.

 

Umm, they're all being raised to believe the female child belongs to the OP when she is actually the product of an extramarital affair their mother had with her first child's father. At this moment, their entire lives are a lie.

[Timshel]

[quote=Timshel;7193919

Since when are the kids involved to the point they are being lied to now??

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

[Imajerk17]

OldShirt it right...

 

In an age appropriate manner, the children have to be told.

 

And by the way, I thought I had don't some really bad stuff, and my wife as well, but this is beyond the pale.

 

How could any woman ever do this to a man that loved her, even if she did not love him in the slightest. My wife has screwed me over but this type of thing makes her look like an angel compared to this woman. OMG.

 

I can't even wrap my head around it.

 

I agree with your sentiment, but I'm afraid that I don't think it is this uncommon:

 

Fathers and Kids: Parenting Fraud at MensHealth.com

 

 

The stat they gave is 3.7% of dads are in the dark--as in they think they are the biological father while in fact they are not. That's almost 1 in 25. And the real "parental discrepancy" rates have to be higher than that, as there are cases where the child looks nothing like the husband that likely were sussed out fairly quickly….

 

So the story in this thread is indeed heartbreaking, but unfortunately, not all that rare.

Edited January 16, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Jersey born raised]

I recall reading a stiory done with the co-operation of the US miltary. The purpose of the study was to study heridatary illness. They found 18% of the adult children were wrong identifying there bio dad. Now that does not mean the father did not know. But the adult child did not. Seems high and sorry don't have a link.

[sandylee1]

So.

 

 

Because someone else did something bad it is ok for others?

Or does it justify not taking proper measures after the BH finds out?

 

Where did I say that it's okay?

 

 

Your definition of proper I take it then?

 

 

I was pointing out a number of things that the OP may not be aware of and not have any control over, in relation to not telling his sons. I don't think now is the time to tell them, but one day, when they're older.

 

 

I was saying he doesn't know what his wife has done so far and that his daughter may already have a relationship of sorts with the OM. Point being, it can't be a secret forever, because his wife may not agree to that and decide DD should have a relationship with the OM, now that it's out of the bag.

 

 

I don't think people are quite aware of how traumatic and damaging it could be for a 6 and 8 year old to be told their mum is a cheater and their dad isn't their sister's bio dad, of course, he's the only dad she's ever known (as far as the OP is aware) .

 

 

How are these little boys meant to concentrate and cope with school and life after dropping such a bombshell on them. Good grief.

 

 

I'm all for exposing cheaters, but not at the expense of causing harm and potential long term psychological damage to the children of the betrayed spouse.

[sandylee1]

Are we all forgetting that this little girl has a right to know who her biological father is?

 

No, but the person denying her that right at the moment, is her mother, who knows the truth. this isn't a black an white clear cut thing, because of the fear of loosing his DD and possibly for good?

 

 

I know someone born in this way, but his dad had suspicions he wasn't his for years, because he looked different to the other kids. A DNA test was done (when he was around 10) and his suspicions were confirmed. His mum refused to tell him who his bio dad was when he asked. , as his dad kind of pulled away from him after the DNA results came in, but he suspected for a long time anyway and something held him back from bonding with him.

 

 

His mum refused to tell him who his dad was for a long time and when she eventually told him, the bio dad didn't want to know him, because he was married and was at the time of the affair and worse of all it was his dads close friend, hence the mum kept quiet. It was a horrible situation and the poor boy felt rejected by both men.

 

 

Without a doubt, I feel this is the worse thing a woman can do to a man, deceive him that a child is his. it's totally unfair on both father and child.

[road]

Lying?? Since when are the kids involved to the point they are being lied to now??

The lying wife does not even know, but it's imperative to inform little children?

 

I'm standing my ground on this, find a battle elsewhere.

 

 

There is lying by omission and commission. I'll let you figure out which way the children are being lied to.

 

 

Yes that's right there is no way that the WW knows she has been banging the OM.

 

 

Yes it is important to tell the children. Though the BH has to confront the the WW first or at least have her served.

[Jersey born raised]

Children over the age of four should be told. Post discusses how per age and sample letters to use as a guide to inform family and friends.

 

These are necessary steps to kill the adultery. The very first think a BS must do is confront and expose. The first goal of a BS is to end the adultery either by reconciliation or divorce. The adultery must end !!!!

 

I suspect your wife has used your daughter as a means to create the perfect family she never had with the oldest. As long as this exists your sons suffer. Believe it, they have. Time away from home, time spent twice a day on the phone for one or two hours? That does not count.

 

I think you confronted by now, I hope it went well. Remember everyone her made bad mistakes at first but we got through it.

Edited January 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[road]

You do know it also says if a MM has an affair and has a child, he should just pay chid support and have no contact ever with that child?

 

 

Dr H says that better when the OM does not know about the OC to not go for CS because that will prevent the OM from being NC with the WW. He has recommended when the OM knows about the OC using CS as leverage to get the OM to give up parental rights and go NC with the family

 

No it says that there must be NC with the OM after an affair to prevent the affair from restarting.

Yes Dr H says if the OM does not know about the OC then best to not tell the OM for he can/will use that as leverage to maintain contact and restart the affair. So no NC. Dr H is about ending the affair and saving the marriage if that is what the WS and BS desire.

It also says that if a WW has an affair and has a child, they should not tell the OM and the BH should raise the child as his own.

 

 

Dr H says that the child when old enough to understand the difference between a dad and a bio dad they are to be told they are an OC. Also explain NC and that is why they can not reveal the bio dad info until they are 18. They will then support the OC's decision if she want the bio dad in her life. Though she must keep the bio dad separate from her parents due to their need for NC for life.

 

 

People have received harassment charges following the advice on MB and it literally tells you start romancing your WW/WH after the affair, to fulfill the need that made them have the affair in the first place...planning dates and family time etc

 

Yes the AP will stop at nothing to prevent the affair from being exposed.

There's so much more I could say about that site, but I don't want to t/j.

 

 

Me too.

[Timshel]

There is lying by omission and commission. I'll let you figure out which way the children are being lied to.

 

 

Yes that's right there is no way that the WW knows she has been banging the OM.

 

 

Yes it is important to tell the children. Though the BH has to confront the the WW first or at least have her served.

 

 

In my opinion, the kids are too young to be told such a thing, there is zero reason to tell them now, as there is absolutely nothing that they can do about it. This is Jerry Springer crap and entirely inappropriate for kids this age.

 

Nonsense that it would be beneficial to a child to be told explicit details about an adult they love. She is their mother and always will be. Her mistake won't change that. Ever.

 

This is my opinion and I will not change it for you.

Actually, all of our opinions are nice, but there are only two/three people who will make final decisions regarding their children and it is not you or me.

 

OP, this is a heart breaking situation. I wish you and your children well and that all this will come to a good and better life for you all.

Please look into counseling for yourself and when the kids become aware of discourse, divorce, and their baby sister's paternity, for them as well.

 

Best wishes

[ShatteredLady]

I have real life experience.

My best friend growing-up learnt that her Dad wasn't her biological father when she was 15. It completely devastated her. Her parents were divorcing. She stayed with her Dad because he fell apart & started drinking. She felt he needed her to take care of him. Her mother & 1/2 sister moved away.

 

I know that some bitter people will say that her cheating mother deserved to loose her eldest daughter but I was HER FRIEND & I loved her. It destroyed her life at a very vulnerable time. She needed a relationship with her MOTHER.

 

Playing caretaker to the town embarrassment (her Dad was in hospital so much for his drinking & accidents they used to confiscate his clothes to keep him from running away. It didn't stop him!! Imagine being a 15 year old girl trying to catch her naked Dad & get him home??) did nothing but lead her into bad relationships & drugs. She was relentlessly bullied.

 

It was dealt with horribly to the detriment of THE CHILD.

 

 

There was a boy we knew who's Dad wasn't his biological father. He had always known in a very sensitive way. There was love & respect in his home always. Adults dealt with adult things & made ADULT choices. He tried to help her.

 

He was always a very well adjusted boy & it a lovely, successful man. I'm still friends with him 30 years later. He has no hang-ups.

 

 

I know that everybody is individual & deals with things differently. The people I know raised with secrets & resentments haven't done well in life. Those who grew-up with honesty & respect thrived.

 

Just MY experiences.

[Mr. Lucky]

Nonsense that it would be beneficial to a child to be told explicit details about an adult they love. She is their mother and always will be. Her mistake won't change that. Ever.

 

I think you're dramatizing for effect. There are age appropriate ways to convey difficult concepts to young children that don't get anywhere near "explicit".

 

When my ex-wife eventually left me for her AP, had to tell our 4-year old what was going on with Mommy, Daddy and Mommy's friend. You simply make sure the conversation takes place at their level...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Timshel]

I think you're dramatizing for effect. There are age appropriate ways to convey difficult concepts to young children that don't get anywhere near "explicit".

 

When my ex-wife eventually left me for her AP, had to tell our 4-year old what was going on with Mommy, Daddy and Mommy's friend. You simply make sure the conversation takes place at their level...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Dramatic? More passionate, lol, I am very protective about kids. I know the kids will need to be told something about paternity and possibly divorce....of course.

 

At no time have I suggested that the children be raised with 'secrets' I think my thoughts have been misunderstood. I am adopted and that was never kept from me, there was no 'sit down,' I always knew. It wouldn't occur to me to even do that.

 

I can't wrap my head around the wife's actions....how could she sink to such a twisted level of deception. Was she ever going to tell her daughter or husband the truth?

 

Anyway, I hope OP is doing ok and will keep us updated because there's no doubt that despite differences of opinion, we all care.

[Mr. Lucky]

Dramatic? More passionate, lol, I am very protective about kids. I know the kids will need to be told something about paternity and possibly divorce....of course.

 

My son's first question was "where will my Legos be?". Kind of put the whole thing in perspective...

 

Mr. Lucky

[EZNona]

I think the topic of how much the children should know and when they should be told lies solely on the shoulders of the OP. It is a delicate issue and should be done with quite care from the OP.

 

He has just been dealt quite a heavy blow, and I think the topic should be dropped until the OP asks for explicit advice on the matter.

 

The wife was definitely foolish to let something like this happen. To jeopardize her, her husband's, and her children's lives like this speaks of utmost selfishness and just pure reckless behavior.

 

The way OP spoke of his wife initially was filled with such love and respect. So, to find out this news is beyond devastating.

 

I do hope you are taking care of yourself and your children through this awful ordeal.

[VicHri]

I have no intention of hiding information from my kids that they will need to know. Yes, we will have to start discussing that my daughter has a different biological father. And yes, if there is a change in home dynamic that will have to be discussed as well.

 

That being said, I am not going to tell my children this information out of anger towards my wife. It is not the time for this information to come out. When things have calmed down, we have had time to discuss it together and have had time to discuss it with a counsellor, THEN my children will know.

 

I have spoken to my wife about this issue, and I will post about that when I have time.

[standtall]

Well it seems that A LOT of the betrayed spouses here drag their children into the messes as a tool and a way to shame the other parent. IMHO, each case is different and sometimes to tell the truth just for the sake of the truth is a sound bite excuse and can be very destructive. Some things are best left unsaid.

[salparadise]

My son's first question was "where will my Legos be?". Kind of put the whole thing in perspective...

 

Young children don't attach the same meaning to facts as adults. They don't know what the word infidelity means, hell, they don't even know about sex at age three. They don't know that these circumstances involve shame or betrayal or are taboo unless it's taught to them by the adults.

 

Setting aside all the adult drama, I'd say tell the three-year-old daughter relatively soon that she has two dads, but don't tell her she ought to attach any meaning to that fact. She will adapt easily and as she matures and learns about how babies are made, she will put 2 + 2 together and ask the relevant questions. The realizations will occur gradually and not be devastating or even shocking. She will internalize everything a bite at a time... and if the adults aren't teaching her she ought to be ashamed, she won't be.

 

Same for the boys, even though they're a little older. But I think all of this has to be done after OP and his wife have dealt with it awhile and accepted and adapted to whatever changes need to happen.

[road]

In my opinion, the kids are too young to be told such a thing, there is zero reason to tell them now, as there is absolutely nothing that they can do about it. This is Jerry Springer crap and entirely inappropriate for kids this age.

 

Nonsense that it would be beneficial to a child to be told explicit details about an adult they love. She is their mother and always will be. Her mistake won't change that. Ever.

 

This is my opinion and I will not change it for you.

Actually, all of our opinions are nice, but there are only two/three people who will make final decisions regarding their children and it is not you or me.

 

OP, this is a heart breaking situation. I wish you and your children well and that all this will come to a good and better life for you all.

Please look into counseling for yourself and when the kids become aware of discourse, divorce, and their baby sister's paternity, for them as well.

 

Best wishes

 

 

 

Children at 4 years old know that lying, sneaking, cheating, is bad.

Children at 4 know what a BF and GF is an know the concept to love a person.

Children at 4 know that mom and dad are in love so they should only be going out on dates with each other rather then a BF/GF.

There is no need to give facts other than this. There is no mention of sex or anything that is age inappropriate.

Children are not expected to do anything about stopping the affair.

Children will blame themselves for their family falling apart because they are not told the truth that their family is no more because the WS had an affair.

Children by knowing the truth will know not to place any blame on themselves for the marriage failing.

[aliveagain]

Deja Vu, I will almost guarantee you that her ex not only knows about his daughter but they more then likely planned the pregnancy. I think that when the time is right she will leave you for him. The affair has been going on for at least 4 years, distance is not a barrier when it comes to infidelity. Your wife has two daughters with him and probably two son's with you. The fact she didn't use protection during a time you were trying to have another child should tell you everything you need to know, she thinks of you and him at minimum as equals.

 

No matter how you look at this the three of you are in each others life until death. Talk to a lawyer immediately because most country's have a time limit protecting your rights as her father, it starts at the time you discover that your child is not yours. Your lawyer will tell you about your rights, ask him about the possibility of going for full custody of your two son's(get a DNA test done on both of them). In my situation I chose to not have other man in my life, I chose to get out of infidelity by getting rid of my now ex. Your married to a nasty one, she's in love with her ex.

[oldshirt]

Well it seems that A LOT of the betrayed spouses here drag their children into the messes as a tool and a way to shame the other parent. IMHO, each case is different and sometimes to tell the truth just for the sake of the truth is a sound bite excuse and can be very destructive. Some things are best left unsaid.

 

Sometimes it just simply "is." It's not to shame or give the knife a twist. It is just simply the way it is.

 

If there is shame there, that is just part of the package.

[standtall]

Children at 4 years old know that lying, sneaking, cheating, is bad.

Children at 4 know what a BF and GF is an know the concept to love a person.

Children at 4 know that mom and dad are in love so they should only be going out on dates with each other rather then a BF/GF.

There is no need to give facts other than this. There is no mention of sex or anything that is age inappropriate.

Children are not expected to do anything about stopping the affair.

Children will blame themselves for their family falling apart because they are not told the truth that their family is no more because the WS had an affair.

Children by knowing the truth will know not to place any blame on themselves for the marriage failing.

 

I strongly disagree...I have just dealt with a 17 yr old nephew who tried to commit suicide after getting drug into his mom's..my sisters drama. Both parties bad mouthing each other in front of the 2 children for the last 10 yrs. All the licensed professionals agrre on keeping the adult drama to themselves as young children ALWAYS blame themselves.

[oldshirt]

I strongly disagree...I have just dealt with a 17 yr old nephew who tried to commit suicide after getting drug into his mom's..my sisters drama. Both parties bad mouthing each other in front of the 2 children for the last 10 yrs. All the licensed professionals agrre on keeping the adult drama to themselves as young children ALWAYS blame themselves.

 

Adult drama and uneditorialized facts are two completely different things.

[VicHri]

On Sunday, while the kids were away, I talked to my wife. She didn't know anything was wrong or what was going to happen. We talked about our marriage and any issues we might be having. I told her that I was uncomfortable with the level of contact between her and her ex and asked if there was anything she wanted to tell me about that. She immediately (defensively) said "no", followed by hesitation and silence. She sat there for quite a while, totally silent. I didn't pressure her to say anything. She told me to wait and went to our room and came back out with a notebook that had a letter to me written slightly differently each time, but 32 times. The closest translation dialog I can come up with is:

 

"In 2012 Elena's adoptive parents moved and as you know it hit me hard and it was a tough year. She wasn't close in proximity to us anymore and it felt like I was loosing her again. Having her near by was important to me and I always knew her parents could move but it shocked/surprised me. Most of that year was rough for me and a lot of old wounds were opened again. The feelings of grief, guilt, anger that I felt when I placed Elena for adoption came flooding back. I longed to have her near to me, which led to wishing/hoping I had never placed her for adoption. There was a part of me that wanted to do it over again and make the right choice. I wanted to be able to raise the daughter I didn't get to raise. At the time it felt like a way to fill that void. I wasn't thinking clearly and I should have spoken with my therapist rather than take matters into my own hands.

 

In December 2012 I had a visit with Elena for 4 days and as you know Micheal was there as well. It was my first time seeing Elena since they moved and saying goodbye was uncommonly/extremely difficult. I should have called you. I have consistently attempted to be as open as possible but the adoption is something that is hard for me to discuss. I didn't want to be judged for the choices I made at 14/15 years old. The final day, after saying goodbye, that I was visiting Elena, December 31, I had sex with Micheal. We had been talking and were both upset. He said he wished he had never pushed adoption on me and would do it differently if he could. It was wrong and I promptly knew that. I would like to say that I wasn't trying/attempting to get pregnant but that would be dishonest. There was a part of me that wanted to be pregnant again with Micheal's baby so I could "redo" [not the word I'm going for] my mistakes. Through trying to fix mistakes I had many more.

 

We had been trying for 39 months to get pregnant. With the boys it was simple and fast. For Emma a pregnancy just wasn't happening. When I discovered I was pregnant I had a suspicion that it was from Micheal because we had tried so long without success. When I learned I was pregnant I debated abortion and went to the first mandatory counselling appointment. It wasn't able to do it.

 

I know it was wrong for me to lie to you. If it was possible to do it again and change it I would. I was scared and I made some horrible/inexcusable choices. Out of fear I didn't tell you information that was your right to know. I have always wondered when it would come up, and knew at some point it probably would. If you are reading this it either has come up or I found the strength to tell you.

 

I constantly wanted to inform you and I know that I should have years prior. In the beginning I didn't know what to say. I could not ever find the words to explain what I had done. The nearer I got to my due date it became increasingly harder to tell you. I felt I had waited too long and I was always putting it off. I wanted to tell you after she was born but as soon as I saw you hold her I wasn't able to say it. I have written this out time and time again. Emma has always been your daughter. You are her dad. I knew you would love her more than Micheal would, that you would be a better role model for her. I knew that you would care for her better than any other man could, and you do. You are an amazing dad to her, our sons. Who I can assure you are your sons [she would consent to a DNA test].

 

I have always known that Emma could be Micheal's daughter. I am never absolutely sure because I didn't have a DNA test but I was aware she likely was. Micheal has non interest in being a father. He knows that Emma is his daughter but he has no interest in being her father. I have wanted him to step up, for Emma, however he won't. You are her dad and that will never change.

 

None of what I have said is an attempt to excuse my behaviour. I know that I was wrong, I know that I hurt you, I know that I made a mess of our family, I know that I betrayed you. I am so sorry."

 

The conversation went on to discuss more details.

 

-she had sex with him twice that day and hasn't had sex with him since, the second time he said he would pull out but did not

-the first time they had sex she initiated, the second time he pushed for it and she allowed it to happen because she was too upset to care and wasn't thinking. She felt our marriage was immediately ruined.

-she wanted to start visiting separately but the adoptive parents didn't want multiple visits

-she stayed in a different hotel than her ex afterwards

-her ex has seen our daughter and knows she is probably his but has not wanted a dna test or to be a major part of her life.

-her ex has said he sees our daughter the same as he sees their other daughter, like and open adoption

-he sees both the girls at the same time every year and otherwise doesn't see either of them

-my wife hoped that he would step up for our daughters sake, which is also why she sends pictures to him

-my wife's first daughter is aware that she has a full sister, our daughter just knows its her sister (like our sons are her brothers)

-there are still emotions there and my wife knows that is wrong

-her ex tries to go in and out of my wife's life

-sometimes she feels "torn" between her ex and I but she wants to be with me, it's hard with him in her life

-she said her ex knows how to play with her "heart strings"

-she has never had sex with anyone else

 

I have to decide what I will believe and if there is anything that I won't believe. As well as what I will accept and try to work through. My wife was remorseful and crying most of the time we were talking. She said she doesn't want a divorce or to break up our family and that she will do whatever I want to make it up to me.

 

That is still my wife and this is not easy. I love her and hate her at the same time, hate might be too strong of a word. I hate her actions, not necessarily her. I have told my wife that I need some time to think and I am taking some time away.