Mother in law problem causing serious marriage issues...considering divorce

[LAleecia]

New to this site and could really use some advice. This is going to be a LONG post so please bear with me!

 

So my husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 5, and have one child together. We've had the normal arguments that every married couple has throughout a marriage, but nothing really serious until last year when my mother in law came for a visit (she lives overseas where my husband is originally from, and we typically see her once a year). Let me say now that my husband and his mother have a very, very close relationship. I thought it was so sweet when we first met, but over time I've seen how it's affected them both (he does everything for her and she completely relies on him for help with things like money matters along with smaller things like technology and getting into her email accounts when she forgets passwords, etc.).

 

She came to our house for a visit so that she could be there when our child was born. While with us, she kept to herself a lot and usually stayed in her bedroom, even after the baby was born. She had been through a bad divorce the year before she came for the visit, and this is the reason my husband gave for her keeping to herself most of the time. After I had our daughter, I had a difficult time healing and adjusting to being a new mother as I was struggling with breastfeeding and lack of sleep, which both she and my husband were fully aware of. While trying to deal with this, my mother in law kept putting pressure on my husband, asking if we ever planned on trying to move back to where he's from. This is out of the question for us due to recent immigration changes in his country, which she was completely aware of (there is only one way for us to move there,

 

and without going into too much detail about the immigration rules, it basically involves going to another country in Europe and living there for at least 6 months, my husband getting a job there during this time, and then applying to go back to his home country after we've lived there at least 6 months. It's basically the only shot I would have of being let into his country with the new immigration changes). Ever since we got pregnant, we decided against this plan, as we knew the chances were low of him finding a job in Europe that would sufficiently support the 3 of us. He has a good job here where we live now, and our first priority is to our daughter, and supporting her and providing the best we can for her. Regardless of this, my mother in law kept pushing this issue anyway because she misses my husband (he's her only child) and really wants him near her.

 

I was going to say something to her but my husband asked me not to, so I didn't. However, he told her to stop pushing the issue, as we were both trying to bond with our new daughter. I stressed to him that if we did ever try to move there, it would be a big risk, and that now was not the time to be making any kind of major life decision like that, as I was pretty emotional after giving birth and just wanted to enjoy our new arrival. He said he understood and relayed this information to his mom and stressed to her how now was not the time to make that kind of decision with us just having a new baby and it being an emotional time for me. Well, she kept pushing anyway, which led to me seeing her a bit differently because my husband specifically asked her to stop pushing and told her how emotional it was for me after the birth and she just didn't seem to care. She's obviously a mother herself, so I assumed she knew what it's like after having a baby, yet she just didn't care.

 

I began to realize she held some resentment toward me for taking her only "baby boy" away from her. When I told my husband I believed she resented me for taking him away, he excused her behavior and said she was just depressed and still down from the breakup of her marriage. I decided to believe him and put the idea that she resented me completely out of my head. Fast forward a year when, just before Xmas of this year, we travelled overseas with our daughter to visit her and my husband's whole side of the family (she stayed in the house where we were staying with us). Almost immediately she started stressing my husband out by saying he had to make sure to see all of the family members on her side of the family...she literally kept pushing, saying we needed to make sure to drive over to her sisters and drive to my husband's grandmother so we could see them...

 

we already saw them once while there and planned on seeing them a few more times before leaving...she knew this but still really put a LOT of pressure on my husband about seeing everyone as much as possible. Even though we had a baby to get ready and had to drive hours each way to see all of these people (and they didn't offer to drive to us to see us), it was just never enough for her. She acted funny toward me during most of the trip, and I couldn't figure out why or if I was just imagining it. Well one night when we were all sitting down on the sofa to watch tv, she got really snippy with me over us meeting with one of my husband's cousins (plans that I made along with my husband on our own without her knowledge of it), so I went upstairs to nurse my daughter and to just get away from her negativity for a while. My husband then came upstairs, came in our room, and I started telling him how I really wanted to leave and go to a hotel and how he could stay there to spend time with his mom if he wanted,

 

and I would completely understand, but that I just needed to get out of there for awhile to get away from her negativity. Apparently she was standing listening on the other side of our door, and she proceeded to burst in our room without asking to come in while I was nursing our daughter, and literally started SCREAMING at the top of her lungs at me about how I just want to take her son away from her, and how I don't understand what it's like being away from him and how it's like a death, and that she hasn't seen him for 3 years (my husband and I both had no clue why she said that considering she just visited us last year). I've been in arguments with people before, but this was something like I've never experienced....she got right in my face, was clearly trying to physically intimidate me, was nose to nose with me, absolutely screaming like a mad woman! No one has ever been so hateful toward me and called me names like she did, and it was totally and completely unexpected (my husband was just as shocked as I was as it was happening).

 

While he did defend me and get her to step away from me, there was no anger in his voice about how she came at me and how she called me names...he told her she was wrong for doing it and that I didn't take him away from her, but that was it. I thought for sure he would have told her to never speak to his wife that way ever again, and maybe how upset and disappointed he was in her, considering I've always been good to her and have never said a harsh word about her. The only issue I've ever had with her was when she came for that visit when our daughter was born, but she was never actually aware of how hurt I was that she kept pushing for us to make a decision on whether we'd ever try to move to where she lives...my husband never mentioned anything to her about how upset I was at her pushing, only that I was not up to making that kind of decision after just having our daughter. It just made me realize that I had been right back then and that she clearly had held some resentment about me, and it obviously built up and all came out to me during our trip there.

 

After we came back home, her and my husband continued to talk on the phone as normal and she managed to convince him that she didn't resent me and never did, and that it was just her "depression" that caused her to have a meltdown. Unfortunately for our marriage, he believed her (if anyone else would have witnessed her crazy tirade and manic screaming at me, they would have said that she clearly hates me for taking him from her). It's just so sad and frustrating to me that she has such a hold over him that she can even manage to convince him that what happened didn't actually happen, and that it was just because she was depressed, even though he was right there and saw and heard everything with his own eyes and ears! On top of that, she texted my husband's cousin to tell her what had happened and then lied and said she heard me cussing out my husband so she knocked on the door (both of these things never happened) and that when she came into our room, I yelled at her Again, this never happened,

 

other than me yelling back once in response to her screaming her lungs out at me, saying I really wanted to leave now. My husband told the cousin the truth but still excused his mother's behavior and downplayed it. So now we've been arguing ever since, and he refuses to believe that his mother actually resents me and has done for quite some time, and just refuses in general to think badly of his mother in any way, no matter what she does or says. He just seems incapable of putting me and our daughter first when it comes to her. I told him that's what marriage is...forming a new family unit and putting them before others, especially if one of those family members is verbally attacked. He explained it this way: he loves me but how could he put a relationship with someone who he has only known for 5 years over a parent/child relationship (where a mother could never "split" with her child, and yet a spouse could always divorce you). I just don't get this logic, as when you marry someone you're supposed to basically be saying "I love you and I vow to put your needs and our family's needs above all others."

 

That doesn't mean you stop loving or doing things for your parents/friends/other family members, but it should mean that you put your spouse and child's needs above those parents/friends/other family members needs when called for.

 

I'm just at a loss as to how to proceed, and we both don't know if the marriage can be saved. We've discussed counseling, but I would like to get others' thoughts on this. I don't plan on speaking to his mother probably ever again, as now I know what she really thinks of me, and I know this will cause issues with my husband, and I don't know if a counselor could ever make him see that his relationship with his mother is just too close and that they're very co-dependent with each other. Am I wrong in thinking this? What does everyone else think?

Edited January 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, please use them

[Tayla]

I sense animosity on both sides.

 

Respect goes both ways. She needs to adapt to her sons chose in a partner. I disagree that it's all her. Why did he move from his homeland?

 

I was married and respected and admired my husband's family. His mom disliked my being...and rightly so...in retrospect I wasn't exactly a hospitable person. I twisted her actions in such away that I caused a wedge. I took her helpfulness as if I was an inept parent. It's all in perspective. I wonder if perhaps your inner thoughts are showing in your attitude?.

 

Learned long ago...blood is thicker then water...incorporate a healthy boundary. This is your husband's only mother. I'm sure you'll someday understand her side..and she can be more regarding of you being the endearing daughter in law and mother to the grandchild.

[elaine567]

...he refuses to believe that his mother actually resents me and has done for quite some time, and just refuses in general to think badly of his mother in any way, no matter what she does or says. He just seems incapable of putting me and our daughter first when it comes to her. I told him that's what marriage is...forming a new family unit and putting them before others, especially if one of those family members is verbally attacked. He explained it this way: he loves me but how could he put a relationship with someone who he has only known for 5 years over a parent/child relationship (where a mother could never "split" with her child, and yet a spouse could always divorce you). I just don't get this logic, as when you marry someone you're supposed to basically be saying "I love you and I vow to put your needs and our family's needs above all others." That doesn't mean you stop loving or doing things for your parents/friends/other family members, but it should mean that you put your spouse and child's needs above those parents/friends/other family members needs when called for.

 

 

Your interpretation of marriage is your interpretation of marriage and his interpretation of marriage is his interpretation of marriage.

To YOU, he has to put you and your daughter first, but to HIM his mother (and maybe his daughter) come first, if he was ever forced to choose.

 

I guess this is a cultural issue, some cultures place the mother before the wife or it may be just the way he thinks, when the chips are down, blood is thicker than water and whilst the wife can be replaceable, he only has one mother.

 

This is fighting for territory here. His mother feels he should come home and live close to her and their family, and you are stopping him, and you feel you need to have him with you in case his mother and family steal him away. The last thing you want is to end up in his homeland. He, I guess, is actually torn between pleasing his wife and his mother.

 

YOU however caused drama whilst in his family home and tried to make him choose, and his mother over-reacted sure, but since he had not been home for a year, your job was to make things good for him and support both him and his mother. Saying you were leaving for a hotel, put him in a very awkward spot

Her blow-out was due to the fact you were disrespecting her son and she was in full lioness mode.

 

He has in effect chosen you, it is you that has essentially "won" here, but if you continue making a drama out of any interaction with his mother, you are the one that is dispensable, he has told you that.

I am sure that does not make you feel particularly good, but that is the reality of the situation here.

Sorry!

[The_Onceler]

I am sorry to hear about your predicament. It sounds like a "Perfect Storm" of sorts. You with the relatively new marriage and a new infant. The MIL with her own recent divorce, after having her only son emigrate to a new counrty. I can see lots of sources of strife, and potential for clouded judgement.

 

So, without taking sides...

 

First, a marriage should ALWAYS come ahead of a parent/child relationship. If a man or woman cannot put their soon-to-be spouse ahead of themselves and their own family, then they should not say "I do" to their vows. That is not to say that we abandon our families when we wed, but in this situation, your husband needed to intervene, and to let your MIL know that she was NEVER to scream at you. Period.

 

Second, why is it an issue? I mean, yes, being screamed at in the face by a raving lunatic (a.k.a MIL) is no fun, and your husband should have intervened, but that aside... what is the issue? Your MIL lives far away, you see her once a year or so, and you cannot be forced to move back to her home country. She really has no power to MAKE you do anything, so why not just let her go? I mean, obviously she will still be present in your lives in some fashion, but you don't need to deal with her, so put her out of your mind.

 

Third, has your husband considered that he could divorce you, but even after doing so, nothing much will change for him and your MIL? He cannot take your child and return to his home country against your will. And if the MIL has not moved here yet, is she likely to do so after a divorce (yours)? All that a divorce will produce for him is to be estranged from you and your daughter (subject to your custody arrangement). Also, if you are a SAHM and he is the earner, he will find that he will have to continue to support you financially, through alimony and child support (depending on the laws in your location).

 

Or is it you who is pushing for the divorce? That would likely be a bad idea, based upon what you have shared here. If you divorce, your husband will come further under the influence of his mother, and he will no longer be any sort of ally to you. You will have less support, less time with your daughter, and will experience even more meddling from the MIL.

 

Finally, it may well be that your MIL *is* mentally ill, either with some long standing issue, or as the result of the divorce (it could be that she is divorced and/or so attached to her son BECAUSE of mental illness). I am a parent, and it seems to me that one of the sad realities of parenting is that, someday, I *will* have to give my daughters away. They will grow into adults (if I do my job correctly), and they will leave me to embark on their own lives. I am sure I will still be a part of their lives, but I will never be the central figure that I am now. Part of parenting is that, each and every day, you enable your children to be more and more independent of you. Ironically, your goal is to enable them to grow up and leave you. It seems that your MIL skipped that chapter in her parenting guide.

 

It sounds like a tricky situaion all around - good luck!

[elaine567]

First, a marriage should ALWAYS come ahead of a parent/child relationship. If a man or woman cannot put their soon-to-be spouse ahead of themselves and their own family, then they should not say "I do" to their vows.

 

That is a very Western and probably Christian perspective.

For instance in Islam the mother takes priority, apart from in spending money. If the mother and the wife are both poor then the wife takes priority, otherwise the wife always comes second to the mother.

 

In some countries and cultures mothers are very protective and hands on (forever basically), especially of sons and that can cause discord with daughters in law, especially if the DIL does not come from the same culture and is expecting the husband to be all about his wife, with the MIL relegated to a quick phone call at Xmas...

[The_Onceler]

That is a very Western and probably Christian perspective.

For instance in Islam the mother takes priority, apart from in spending money. If the mother and the wife are both poor then the wife takes priority, otherwise the wife always comes second to the mother.

 

In some countries and cultures mothers are very protective and hands on (forever basically), especially of sons and that can cause discord with daughters in law, especially if the DIL does not come from the same culture and is expecting the husband to be all about his wife, with the MIL relegated to a quick phone call at Xmas...

 

Granted - mine is a western perspective.

 

I am making certain assumptions, but also: the husband emigrated away from his mother to a new (western?) country, where he met and wed a (western?) woman. In so doing, he not only displayed a willingness to leave his mother behind, but also to take a wife in his adopted land.

 

Even so - it may be that his culture is one that puts his own mother first. That changes little, except for the perspective of the OP. The husband and MIL cannot *make* her move, and short of kidnapping, cannot remove the child to the home country.

 

And if they divorce, most all of my comments still hold.

[mikeylo]

Whatever, I think you are being disrespectful to your MIL.

[LargoLagg]

It was probably very difficult having someone around if she didn't help out with the baby and the house when you wanted to sleep. As I recall, it's hard for a new mother to have company all the time right after the first baby comes home, unless the guest goes way out of their way to make the mother feel like she doesn't have to take care of or entertain the guest.

 

Even then, there has to be some time for the nuclear family to be alone, or the wife begins to resent it.

 

So, believe it or not, this might be your problem. Your MIL may have stayed in that bedroom in recognition of the fact that her presence was not particularly welcome at the time. Also, as you've seen, some people are just driven by emotions, they have no reason whatsoever.

 

Sounds like you've got one of those on your hands. You will never be able to have a real conversation with her to settle this, because emotion will cloud her interpretation of how it went down. You're just going to have to get over being emotional about how she is, and either you can rehearse with your husband what he needs to tell her, or you can lay down the wife law to her.

 

One of you two is going to be the alpha dog. If it isn't you, it will be her.

[foxgener]

New to this site and could really use some advice. This is going to be a LONG post so please bear with me!

 

So my husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 5, and have one child together. We've had the normal arguments that every married couple has throughout a marriage, but nothing really serious until last year when my mother in law came for a visit (she lives overseas where my husband is originally from, and we typically see her once a year). Let me say now that my husband and his mother have a very, very close relationship. I thought it was so sweet when we first met, but over time I've seen how it's affected them both (he does everything for her and she completely relies on him for help with things like money matters along with smaller things like technology and getting into her email accounts when she forgets passwords, etc.).

 

She came to our house for a visit so that she could be there when our child was born. While with us, she kept to herself a lot and usually stayed in her bedroom, even after the baby was born. She had been through a bad divorce the year before she came for the visit, and this is the reason my husband gave for her keeping to herself most of the time. After I had our daughter, I had a difficult time healing and adjusting to being a new mother as I was struggling with breastfeeding and lack of sleep, which both she and my husband were fully aware of. While trying to deal with this, my mother in law kept putting pressure on my husband, asking if we ever planned on trying to move back to where he's from. This is out of the question for us due to recent immigration changes in his country, which she was completely aware of (there is only one way for us to move there,

 

and without going into too much detail about the immigration rules, it basically involves going to another country in Europe and living there for at least 6 months, my husband getting a job there during this time, and then applying to go back to his home country after we've lived there at least 6 months. It's basically the only shot I would have of being let into his country with the new immigration changes). Ever since we got pregnant, we decided against this plan, as we knew the chances were low of him finding a job in Europe that would sufficiently support the 3 of us. He has a good job here where we live now, and our first priority is to our daughter, and supporting her and providing the best we can for her. Regardless of this, my mother in law kept pushing this issue anyway because she misses my husband (he's her only child) and really wants him near her.

 

I was going to say something to her but my husband asked me not to, so I didn't. However, he told her to stop pushing the issue, as we were both trying to bond with our new daughter. I stressed to him that if we did ever try to move there, it would be a big risk, and that now was not the time to be making any kind of major life decision like that, as I was pretty emotional after giving birth and just wanted to enjoy our new arrival. He said he understood and relayed this information to his mom and stressed to her how now was not the time to make that kind of decision with us just having a new baby and it being an emotional time for me. Well, she kept pushing anyway, which led to me seeing her a bit differently because my husband specifically asked her to stop pushing and told her how emotional it was for me after the birth and she just didn't seem to care. She's obviously a mother herself, so I assumed she knew what it's like after having a baby, yet she just didn't care.

 

I began to realize she held some resentment toward me for taking her only "baby boy" away from her. When I told my husband I believed she resented me for taking him away, he excused her behavior and said she was just depressed and still down from the breakup of her marriage. I decided to believe him and put the idea that she resented me completely out of my head. Fast forward a year when, just before Xmas of this year, we travelled overseas with our daughter to visit her and my husband's whole side of the family (she stayed in the house where we were staying with us). Almost immediately she started stressing my husband out by saying he had to make sure to see all of the family members on her side of the family...she literally kept pushing, saying we needed to make sure to drive over to her sisters and drive to my husband's grandmother so we could see them...

 

we already saw them once while there and planned on seeing them a few more times before leaving...she knew this but still really put a LOT of pressure on my husband about seeing everyone as much as possible. Even though we had a baby to get ready and had to drive hours each way to see all of these people (and they didn't offer to drive to us to see us), it was just never enough for her. She acted funny toward me during most of the trip, and I couldn't figure out why or if I was just imagining it. Well one night when we were all sitting down on the sofa to watch tv, she got really snippy with me over us meeting with one of my husband's cousins (plans that I made along with my husband on our own without her knowledge of it), so I went upstairs to nurse my daughter and to just get away from her negativity for a while. My husband then came upstairs, came in our room, and I started telling him how I really wanted to leave and go to a hotel and how he could stay there to spend time with his mom if he wanted,

 

and I would completely understand, but that I just needed to get out of there for awhile to get away from her negativity. Apparently she was standing listening on the other side of our door, and she proceeded to burst in our room without asking to come in while I was nursing our daughter, and literally started SCREAMING at the top of her lungs at me about how I just want to take her son away from her, and how I don't understand what it's like being away from him and how it's like a death, and that she hasn't seen him for 3 years (my husband and I both had no clue why she said that considering she just visited us last year). I've been in arguments with people before, but this was something like I've never experienced....she got right in my face, was clearly trying to physically intimidate me, was nose to nose with me, absolutely screaming like a mad woman! No one has ever been so hateful toward me and called me names like she did, and it was totally and completely unexpected (my husband was just as shocked as I was as it was happening).

 

While he did defend me and get her to step away from me, there was no anger in his voice about how she came at me and how she called me names...he told her she was wrong for doing it and that I didn't take him away from her, but that was it. I thought for sure he would have told her to never speak to his wife that way ever again, and maybe how upset and disappointed he was in her, considering I've always been good to her and have never said a harsh word about her. The only issue I've ever had with her was when she came for that visit when our daughter was born, but she was never actually aware of how hurt I was that she kept pushing for us to make a decision on whether we'd ever try to move to where she lives...my husband never mentioned anything to her about how upset I was at her pushing, only that I was not up to making that kind of decision after just having our daughter. It just made me realize that I had been right back then and that she clearly had held some resentment about me, and it obviously built up and all came out to me during our trip there.

 

After we came back home, her and my husband continued to talk on the phone as normal and she managed to convince him that she didn't resent me and never did, and that it was just her "depression" that caused her to have a meltdown. Unfortunately for our marriage, he believed her (if anyone else would have witnessed her crazy tirade and manic screaming at me, they would have said that she clearly hates me for taking him from her). It's just so sad and frustrating to me that she has such a hold over him that she can even manage to convince him that what happened didn't actually happen, and that it was just because she was depressed, even though he was right there and saw and heard everything with his own eyes and ears! On top of that, she texted my husband's cousin to tell her what had happened and then lied and said she heard me cussing out my husband so she knocked on the door (both of these things never happened) and that when she came into our room, I yelled at her �� Again, this never happened,

 

other than me yelling back once in response to her screaming her lungs out at me, saying I really wanted to leave now. My husband told the cousin the truth but still excused his mother's behavior and downplayed it. So now we've been arguing ever since, and he refuses to believe that his mother actually resents me and has done for quite some time, and just refuses in general to think badly of his mother in any way, no matter what she does or says. He just seems incapable of putting me and our daughter first when it comes to her. I told him that's what marriage is...forming a new family unit and putting them before others, especially if one of those family members is verbally attacked. He explained it this way: he loves me but how could he put a relationship with someone who he has only known for 5 years over a parent/child relationship (where a mother could never "split" with her child, and yet a spouse could always divorce you). I just don't get this logic, as when you marry someone you're supposed to basically be saying "I love you and I vow to put your needs and our family's needs above all others."

 

That doesn't mean you stop loving or doing things for your parents/friends/other family members, but it should mean that you put your spouse and child's needs above those parents/friends/other family members needs when called for.

 

I'm just at a loss as to how to proceed, and we both don't know if the marriage can be saved. We've discussed counseling, but I would like to get others' thoughts on this. I don't plan on speaking to his mother probably ever again, as now I know what she really thinks of me, and I know this will cause issues with my husband, and I don't know if a counselor could ever make him see that his relationship with his mother is just too close and that they're very co-dependent with each other. Am I wrong in thinking this? What does everyone else think?

 

 

Your mother-in-law is out of line and seems to not respect the sanctity of your marriage. Your husband is not being a good husband if he knows your MIL lied and still acts the way he does. They are wrong. You are right.