ann519 Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Never thought I would be going to a forum to post anything, but I suppose there is always a first time for everything. We've been married for a very very long time, and are still very active. We have had numerous conversations over the years about relationships and sex, and both have come to the conclusion there is a difference between the two. Although we have never officially agreed to putting this theory into actual practice, we both agree it could be possible to keep the two separate, with sex being nothing more than an activity for lack of a better word. A few years ago certain events transpired where one thing led to another which I guess you could say evolved with me testing out this theory. Although I have not gone all the way with someone else, it has involved being naked and other activities taking place with a few guys over the years, suffice it to say. The other day I left work early, and was home "entertaining someone", it appears he was calling it an early day as well. Although not positive, I am pretty sure he came home while things were going on. Once we were finished while going downstairs, the steps felt wet. There was a little bit of snow outside and both of us had left our shoes downstairs. As this person was leaving my husband was getting out of his truck, they exchanged a nod passing each other and he came in. He asked what my friend was doing there, and I told him I had called him over to move something. He didn't really say much other than fine and had a generic conversation of how our day had went. My gut feel tells me he knows or saw something, but hasn't said anything about it, which was 3 days ago now. I'm not sure whether to come clean and tell him or just leave it alone. Do I feel guilty, about what we did no. I think the only thing I feel a little confused about is not getting official approval for this. I suppose writing this here, at least lets me get it off my chest in some strange way. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Theory & reality are 2 VERY different things when it comes to sex. I agree with the premise that sex can be just an 'activity' (I could debate it but that's not really the point here) what separates an 'activity' from a marriage sucking affair is all the sneaking & lies. The betrayal of the other who hasn't had a chance to agree the rules & the dynamics of the activity. You are having an affair. You are committing adultery. If your husband knows he is either rugsweeping or preparing to divorce you. The shock of actually witnessing your partner having sex can be frozen on the mind even if you have the theory that it's just an activity. He either found it a turn-on or a divorce worthy betrayal. I would have an honest talk, like you should have BEFORE you entertained other men in HIS marital bed. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Well, here's the thing. If you didn't feel weird/bad about it, and it is an open relationship as you suggest, why didn't you tell the truth when your hubby asked? I am sorry, I am not judging, I am just trying to understand the dynamic. Has you husband been behaving normally? Maybe you explain the guy was there to help move something, not in a normal sense but in a porn, pizza delivery guy kind of way and see his reaction...? You have to talk about it so he can make decisions if you want to stay married. Maybe he wants some side action too. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 He's probably getting his ducks in a row and seeing an attorney, getting ready to serve you with divorce papers. I don't suspect that will bother you much though, based on your post and lack of remorse. Could you not bed your lover elsewhere? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 To each their own.... If it was acceptable, why did you do it secretly? To me, to do it in your own home is the very definition of careless.... And now you have been caught but show no remorse. Only time will tell whether your husband thinks this is acceptable behavior in your marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Whitestar Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 (edited) Stripped of the rationalizations, you cheated on your husband in his home and have been found out. Now, since you dont care whether or not you have hurt him, the only reason for talking to him at this stage would be to try and rationalize your cheating and persuade him to go along with it rather than do the obvious and healthy thing and divorce you. Have you considered that divorce might be the least worst option for you both ? Edited January 8, 2017 by Whitestar 5 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 (edited) There is one additional point to consider if he saw you and that is the fact that you violated his sanctuary. You brought another man into his bed and as a betrayed man I can honestly tell you that may be more hurtful to him then your infidelity. Stairs don't get wet by themselves and the fact that he just happened to be out front when you and your affair partner were done is a little too much of a coincidence. We have seen this happen here a number of times in the past and in every case it went very badly for the cheating spouse. The betrayed spouse didn't say anything until they were ready to have them served. One or two of those that went through the experience may even respond to your post. Your best hope is always honesty, if you were seen, your husband now knows you can't be trusted, your a cheater and anything coming out of your mouth means sh*t because you are a liar. It wouldn't have taken your husband much time to see that nothing but the bedding got moved, believe me, he checked. He will never get that image of you and your affair partner out of his mind. Even if he was secretly turned on by what he saw, the meaning of what you did with another man in his home will eventually hit him. Those that confess their infidelity always fare better then those that are caught. If you have an open marriage shouldn't he be told? This affects not only you but the other man and his family. Decide quickly if it's worth the risk. Talking to a lawyer may help you back into reality. Edited January 8, 2017 by aliveagain 5 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 One more point, have you wondered why he was home early? Is it possible your not as good at hiding your cheating as you think you are. Is it also possible he suspected you for a while and came home early to confirm his suspicions? How do you know he didn't call you at work and found out you went home early? Perhaps neighbours have seen other men going to your home and tipped him off? I would bet big money that your husband is the cause of your stairs being wet. The fact that you don't feel guilty for lying and cheating is a little concerning, you should talk to a professional who has experience with infidelity, this may be a sign of much bigger problems. Just my opinion but I think you have been busted. Don't complicate things even more by making more bad decisions. Decide if the marriage is where you want to be then act accordingly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Your post is unclear. Did you and your husband agree to an open marriage or not? If you and he agreed that you could have sexual contact outside of the marriage, then there was no reason to hide your activity. If you did not agree to an open marriage, you've been having affairs. Advice will be vastly different depending which. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 The OP is already using the slimy tactic of choosing vocabulary to down-play & minimize her ADULTEROUS behavior to us! We're complete strangers on an anonymous forum. Really? What are the chances of her husband getting any honesty out of her? In marriage I think most of us have those kinds of conversations. I think that sex 'can be' just sex. It could be possible to have sex with no emotional involvement. Sex could be nothing more than a fun 'activity' BUT that does NOT mean that if I came home early to catch my husband 'red handed' in OUR bed with another woman all would be hunky dory!! Quite the opposite!!! The OP is trying desperately to give the impression that this really isn't a very big deal & she has zero concerns or guilt about her adulteries over the years. I get the clear impression that this isn't the first time. If they have such an open & honest relationship why all the secrecy & lies? They can talk in theory about meaningless sex but can't be honest about her actual behavior!! Very telling. Even when she believed she'd been caught she still blatantly lied to his face. I've never known a man who would just carry-on as if nothing had happened. He must be thinking &/or planning something. Don't you think? It strikes me as most strange if he never mentions this. As previously stated, marriages are more likely to survive if infidelity is confessed rather than discovered but unless her husband is the shortest pencil in the box he's going to know that she's only confessing because she's been caught. Maybe he has his own secrets or other deep seated issues. Whatever, this is going to be eating at him. I think that the OP should have an open, honest conversation with her husband. Maybe start by asking if he wants to discuss what was truly happening when he returned home or if he wants to continue pretending that her lover was there for house work? I will advise her to REALLY reconsider the words & attitude she uses when breaking the news that she's been deceiving him so brutally for so long. It could make the difference between reconciliation & divorce but she's seems to have convinced herself that her husband wouldn't mind her entertaining other men in the marital bed. I believe that she's in for a rude awakening. Time will tell.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
VicHri Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 OP, if you really thought your husband would be okay with an open marriage than you would have no reason to lie to him about the reason that other man was there. You know damn well that he didn't agree to that and isn't ok with it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 She has been doing this so long that she doesn't even think about all the risks involved. The biggest is the health risk she has put her husband in. Oral still involves the transfer of bodily fluids, you can get an STD from simple finger insertion. Risking yourself is one thing, that's a conscious personal decision, risking your innocent spouse is another, that's a selfish decision. The longer the affairs, the more partners involved the harder it is to keep it secret and the harder it will be to explain. You can't control others, cheaters brag about their conquests, neighbours see things, it's only a matter of time. Honesty is still the best policy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 My gut feel tells me he knows or saw something, but hasn't said anything about it, which was 3 days ago now Stevie Wonder could see what was going on here. You obviously know that this is unacceptable behavior or you wouldn't have lied to your husband. If you want an open marriage, then discuss it with your husband. Theoretically, it could work, but I have never seen such a relationship end well. Is this a one way relationship, with you getting playmates or can he play around as well? What if he doesn't want an open relationship, are you still going to play? It is all fun and games while you are getting to eat your cake and have it too. Eventually, emotions get in the way and people get hurt. Does your marriage mean so little that you would hurt your husband just to have a little fun on the side? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 A few years ago certain events transpired where one thing led to another which I guess you could say evolved with me testing out this theory. Although I have not gone all the way with someone else, it has involved being naked and other activities taking place with a few guys over the years, suffice it to say. The other day I left work early, and was home "entertaining someone", it appears he was calling it an early day as well. Either you are flat out lying to us or you have a unique take on what most of us would deem "entertaining"... Were you banging this guy or not? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chaparral Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Is this someone he knew or a stranger that helped you "move" something? You've been getting in bed naked with several men but avoided actual sex? Really? You think your husband would ever believe that or if it would really matter? What's wrong with sex with your husband? You have discussed that with him too? I predict a .........................rude awakening! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 It really sounds like you've been doing mental gymnastics to justify cheating on your husband for years. This "open marriage" which seems to exist only in your mind, sounds decidedly one sided. Which isn't surprising seeing how only one spouse knows about it. You've been lying to yourself and your husband for years and it sounds like it might finally catch up with you. Can't say I have much sympathy as your rationalizations don't justify how badly you've screwed your husband over. I wish you both luck though. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Just keep doing what you are doing and you will probably find out pretty soon if he is suspiscious or not. Just stop the nonsense about trying out the theory. You are cheating , and if you supposedly openly discussed this with your husband you sit him down at the kitchen table and have told him before you did it. My guess is YOU initiated these conversations , he was not interested in open marriage, so you just went ahead anyway. And in your house shows You have no respect for him. So I guess you are looking for someone to tell you that when he catches you for sure that he will be fine with your explanation that you had talked about it. I would not bet the ranch on that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I just find it really low that you would bring men in the house rather then going to a motel. Honestly I hope your husband wises up and throws the mattress out along with you on it. Sorry but your not much of a woman and if he was smart, he would put you on the curbside with the clothes on your back and leave you there. Just pitiful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ann519 Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 Trying to explain something in a condensed form leads itself to things that can be taken out of context. The overwhelming general consensus was to just come clean and let the chips fall where they may. (I already knew that was the right thing to do, I guess I just needed to hear that out loud). We spent the whole day yesterday discussing what took place, and where things stand, and yes he had seen what was going on. Basically what evolved from our talk was that his understanding based on our numerous past conversations over the years discussing this subject and both sharing the same outlook, he was under the impression that we had an implied agreement that we were both acceptable to this arrangement if it ever arose. The general consensus was that in hindsight maybe we should have been a little more definitive, and possibly put together some kind of basic guidelines. However all things considered it appeared things had evolved fine without any. As the conversation progressed I suppose you can say we rubber stamped a handful of common sense guidelines. He mentioned that although "he had not dipped his pen into the company ink" that he had entertained the prospect on a couple of occasions. He said he had suspicions I might have progressed a little further than him. He confessed that when he observed what was going on, the voyeur in him surfaced, and he spent more time than he should have watching. We discussed if either had any issues with anything, and his reply was that he didn't, his feeling for me had not changed and I expressed the same. In all honesty I was expecting the worst, but was relieved with the outcome. There was no lack of conversation, and there were a few interesting comments and insights on both our parts that came up along the way. Thank you everyone for your insights and opinions, good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I am happy that things are working out for you, honesty is absolutely the best policy. In future, don't bring other men into your husbands sanctuary unless he gives you approval to do so. I guess you now have an open marriage, guess the term is swingers. Please put rules in place to protect each other so one or the other doesn't get to deeply involved with their lover. Not all open marriages work and it's usually because one of them falls in love with their affair partner. Jealousy hurts. Wish you both luck in your new lifestyle. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 So does this now mean your husband will be finding a new woman to have sex on the side with? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ann519 Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 So does this now mean your husband will be finding a new woman to have sex on the side with? It means if he wanted to do that previously he could have, so going forward the same applies. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 So does this now mean your husband will be finding a new woman to have sex on the side with? Does this matter? Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Did you get tested for stds? are you on the pill? Are you also emotionally involved with your AP? when was the last time you had fun with your H? Do you care about him at all? Why stay married? So if you care about your H, will you get a female friend to surprise him at your home, so that he can have some fun in your home? Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Looks like they already decided to have an open marriage. Only issue, was she was not sure she had a "real" go ahead. Looks like she did, and they are fine. For some infidelity is not an issue, and in her case looks like he does not think she cheated. So all good. I would assume that they are now officially in an open marriage, and that some rules were set. My only advise is open, honest and total communication. I wish them luck..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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