Almost out from retroactive jealousy but there is one more thing

[JCVD]

Hi happy new year, RJ hit me like a train after I had "the talk" with my girlfriend about past relationship (she only got one relationship during 6 month at highschool, not a big deal you may say but you know what it is).

 

 

After 2 month of struggling with that condition i started to read 2 book about RJ and they helped me a lot (Retroactive Jealousy: Finally, I'm Out by Joshua Fletcher; Overcoming retraoctive jealousy by Zachary Stockill)

After 5 month of works I think I'm almost out from that s**t but something keeps me in it even if I'm much more better than some month ago.

 

 

My girlfriend lose her virginity with her "first boyfriend" even if it was to do like everybody an I understand it at 20 years old you want to experience sex. After all the works I have done like mindfulness, re-adjusting thoughts, obeserving the thoughts for what they really are forgiveness for her and myself etc... I can now observe the thoughts (if I have some) and feel nothing. But the last thing which keep me in is that she gave her virginity to her ex and without speaking about intrusive thoughts or something else I now that THIS HAPPENED and that's what is keeping me in.

 

 

Does any one have any suggestions ? How to get over that and finally beat that retroactive jealousy.

 

 

Sorry for my bad english Wish you the best

[central]

Were you a virgin when you got together? If not, then you have a double standard, but I commend you for trying so hard to work through it. Even if you can't get past this and break up with her, almost anyone else you date could trigger the same issue. It's simply not realistic to expect otherwise - and of course, anyone else you date could have exes that are bigger, or better, or handsomer. That does NOT matter. What matters is that they are choosing to be with you now, and vice versa.

[JCVD]

Were you a virgin when you got together?

I tryied one time but I didn't even finish.

The fact is that i came 6 month to late, she wouldn't knew this guy

[road]

This is why you do not ask a woman about her past relationships.

 

 

Exceptions:

Are you a single mom - because raising another man's kid is a deal breaker for some men.

She's 40 and has not been married or had a BF - why, was she into women before, or other issues that need to be avoided.

She's 40 and has been married 3 time already - has she been the BW 3 times or the WW 3 times.

 

 

To have those issues dealt with, the new BF does not need to know is he the best in bed, has the best equipment, was he the best looking, makes the most money, what age she had her "gift box" opened, how many times it was opened, or how many different men got to open her "gift box".

[smackie9]

sex is just sex.......take it off that pedestal you have it on.

[Poutrew]

sex is just sex.......take it off that pedestal you have it on.

 

 

Smackie9, usually I like the stuff you post, but this is nonsense. As soon as I read it, the old saying that a woman would be just as likely to give me a bj as shake my hand came to mind and I know for a fact that that isn't true...

[smackie9]

No you are taking it out of context. Sex is simple natural an act of pleasure to be enjoyed, not hold it under glass to be looked at and and only handled by the museum curator. You are making it out to be more than what it is.

[road]

sex is just sex.......take it off that pedestal you have it on.

 

Smackie9, usually I like the stuff you post, but this is nonsense. As soon as I read it, the old saying that a woman would be just as likely to give me a bj as shake my hand came to mind and I know for a fact that that isn't true...

 

Not even comparing apples to oranges. Giving a handshake is not the same as giving a handjob.

[Poutrew]

No you are taking it out of context. Sex is simple natural an act of pleasure to be enjoyed, not hold it under glass to be looked at and and only handled by the museum curator. You are making it out to be more than what it is.

 

No, I'm not. Animals enjoy sex - last week I sprayed water on a pair of dogs humping on my driveway. Animals are slaves to their DNA programming. Humans don't have to be, if they make the effort. If sex were only enjoyable, then there would be no posts on this board of people complaining that their partners are not putting out... So, you stated an opinion as if it were a fact, and I simply made note of it. BTW, I am interested in applying for the job of the museum curator of which you spoke. Where might I apply?

[moebius]

No you are taking it out of context. Sex is simple natural an act of pleasure to be enjoyed, not hold it under glass to be looked at and and only handled by the museum curator. You are making it out to be more than what it is.

 

Well, sex is also an intimate thing that most people only share with a reduced number of other people. Almost everything you do with your partner you also do with yours friends. Except sex.

 

When a virgin gets into a relationship with a non-virgin and they have sex, the virgin is giving something that the other one isn't: 100% exclusivity of use, guaranteed.

 

Some people won't give a s**t about that. Some people will. No one can tell them they shouldn't care about the past. They shouldn't feel like they feel. Caring about this is impractical for sure. But it's legitimate still.

[big dog]

Smackie9...if sex is what you say it is then what special does a married couple or even 2 people in love have ? Nothing. They will have nothing or feel nothing they haven't had with others. It will very much lessen their relationship... for life. They may not let it get them down like retroactive jealousy does. But if it's "only sex" then they'll be missing out on a lot in life.

[Clockwork]

Look forward my friend, look forward. The past is the past. The world would be a better place if we all waited to have sex with our one true love. There would be less drama, no unwanted pregnancies, no broken families, etc. I get it.

 

 

But neither my wife or I were virgins when we met. She was pretty innocent in high school but had a couple of years before we met where she had a little fun. It was before we met, no big deal. In fact, how do you get over retroactive jealousy? You learn how to use it. Turn it into a fantasy. I often imagine my wife having sex with someone before we met and how lucky I am to be the guy who has had her since and any time he wants. I don't know about you, but I use her past experience as a turn-on, not a turn-off. Try it sometime.

[viatori patuit]

I had no idea this was even a recognized condition.

 

I am even more surprised as I suffer from this condition. Not to hikack the thread, but now I know this exists it opens a whole world of questions for me.

 

Everything in my relationships has been predicated on mitigating this condition. Now I wonder if those same rules harm the relationship. Are there guidelines for dealing with this?

[preraph]

I think you need to grow up and realize everyone is different and that's okay.

[fireflywy]

My advice is to harken back to Yoda on this one.

 

"FEAR leads to anger... Anger leads to hate... Hate leads to suffering."

 

I believe that jealousy, anger, frustration, etc all have a basis in FEAR.

 

We get angry at insults because we fear embarrassment or blows to our constructions of ourselves or how people may view us. We get frustrated at things because we fear loss of control or fear that our own abilities are insufficient to make progress. We angrily react to situations that pop up in relationships because we fear the damage of heartbreak, loss, loneliness, etc.

 

So many things can be ties to fear.

 

I believe your situation is the same. You are most likely afraid that her past encounters may mean that somehow you won't measure up to her experiences, another guy (maybe his looks, money, education, personality, etc, etc) and are afraid of heartache, a blow to your ego, or a challenge to how you perceive yourself or your role in the relationship. My advice in overcoming your jealousy is to, when that emotion/anger wells up, step back, take stocj of yourself, and ask yourself, "Hey, I'm having a reaction, what am I afraid of here?" Once youve identified what youre afraid off, you have more control over your actions and feelings in almost any situation.

 

Now, this doesn't mean that you can always make it go away. This doesn't mean that you having control over yourself will prevent you from being hurt if something doesn't work out in some area of your life. This doesn't mean you will be immune to constructive criticism to always remain static as an individual. This doesn't mean you can control the actions of another person.

 

What it DOES mean is that, like a child being afraid of the dark, you can realize that over 70% of your fears are dumbfounded and ridiculous. This will allow you to move beyond them (even jealousy) and partially transcend old negative reactions to things.

 

I think, if you do this you will realize (to use an another sci-fi reference)....

 

That you must not fear (which causes jealousy) because fear is the mind killer (and a relationship killer in many ways). That succumbing to it brings total obliteration (or inaction, immobility, stagnation, destruction with a partner). That you will face it (by finding out why you're afraid and how it has a role in your jealousy issues) and allow it pass over you and through you (see it for what it is....aka an emotional response to something rather than a reality), and when it has passed you will turn your inner eye to see its path. Where it has gone there will be nothing because only you remain (aka it's an emotion and your fears/jealousy were unfounded.)

 

To do anything less will eat you up with hate and then cause you and others to suffer because you either treat them wrongly or allow your fear/jealousy to keep a part of you hidden and thus rob others of something special you bring to the table. (In this case you being a good, loving partner in a relationship.)

 

Good luck.

Edited March 3, 2017 by fireflywy