whoiamnow Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 We met 6 years ago. He had been married for 15 years. For the first five of our relationship , he told me he was never leaving. I chose to stay. Then in year 6, he told me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me. He moved out of his house and into an apartment. He said he wanted to take it slow because he was breaking her heart and tearing his family apart. He didn't want her to know about me yet. Fine. 3 months into him leaving, she finds that he has started seeing another person. Crap hits the fan. He continues to want to be gentle about the situation. So for the next few months, he plays us both, telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, telling her that he misses his family. Meanwhile, he convinces me to change careers, that he will take care of me while I open my new business. Month 9, he moves in with me. I've still only met his children (ages 10 and 6) once and only for a few minutes. We start doing work on my house. All the while, his soon to be ex is making life hell on him, keeping the kids away, calling all the time, guilt. She's entitled to her hurt but she doesn't get to use the kids. He tells me to stomach through it. That we can make it. 2 months later, he's moved back with her. My house is a shambles, I'm broke with no income trying to make it. I'm possibly going to have to go on welfare and I can't even sell my house because of all the half finished projects. She still doesn't know how long we've had an affair. She thinks I was merely a fling while he found himself. I need my house fixed and I have no money, seriously none. And I left a very lucrative job. I'm considering telling him that if he doesn't help me get my house in sellable condition, I'm going to expose him slowly and painfully. Not just to her, but to his family and his church. And I'll do it through the intimate details, the loving letters and cards, the places we went, etc... It will be an emotional bloodbath for all involved. She'll never trust him again and he will be a prisoner with all the lock down measures she uses to make sure he's not cheating again. Any advice on pros and cons of this path? Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I have a question Okay suppose yes you expose him what would happen ? Aside of them working their issues ? Would it help you in any way ? I'm sorry I'm only asking to understand and see what your motivation really is 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VicHri Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Cons? Maybe start with the legality of it... You dug your grave. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I hope you aren't seriously considering doing this, and that you're just speaking out of anger. If you do, you might find yourself living in a prison cell. Blackmail "n. the crime of threatening to reveal embarrassing, disgraceful or damaging facts (or rumors) about a person to the public, family, spouse or associates unless paid off to not carry out the threat. It is one form of extortion (which may include other threats such as physical harm or damage to property)." Take care. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author whoiamnow Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 My motivation is strictly to get my house in order. I can't begin to tell you what a disaster he left it. I don't him back and I don't want to be with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author whoiamnow Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 I don't mind taking responsibility for my wasted time. But he has culpability in this also. He helped me dig the grave with his lies and he needs to help me out of it. As I said, I was fine with the affair as long as he wasn't lying to me. As far as legality, I doubt it will ever come to that. His biggest fear is exposure. He would never subject himself to the legal system. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 If he doesn't help financially to sort out the mess in your house, revealing all still won't help you with that. I mean have you asked him for money and he refused? Doesn't he realise how tight things are? The most obvious con, is him going to the police and you being arrested. The next is everyone knowing you had an affair with a MM for 6 years and the damage to your reputation. Blackmail is a very serious crime. I know he's left you up the creek without a paddle, but perhaps you need to take responsibility for the mess you find yourself in. You trusted a man who comfortably lied and deceived to his wife for 6 years..Why? Love maybe? Unfortunately, that love and trust has cost you dearly. You might have to chalk it up as a life lesson ... or risk jail time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I doubt you will be successful trying to blackmail him. Get a shovel and start digging out of the hole you put yourself in. Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I didn't even know it was a crim Wow Yeah I'd stay away and cut my losses Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 choose your battles with care, there might be revenge paid back, lies told, if you do become self-employed, say, you might see bad reviews on-line of your work, let it go for your own protection Link to post Share on other sites
Aesc Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I'd say move on, at least for now. Sorry about your house, it will sell but at a loss. Get a roommate or rent out part of your house to gain some much needed income. Or exchange rent for repairs etc. Adversity builds strength and character. As far as keeping it together emotionally, hopefully you have friends or family to fall back on. The heart is treacherous, who can know it? Love isn't always rational and we often find ourselves in difficult situations. My only advice is that you don't give up on love. Maybe give up on a failed love, but never on finding real love. We met 6 years ago. He had been married for 15 years. For the first five of our relationship , he told me he was never leaving. I chose to stay. Then in year 6, he told me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me. He moved out of his house and into an apartment. He said he wanted to take it slow because he was breaking her heart and tearing his family apart. He didn't want her to know about me yet. Fine. 3 months into him leaving, she finds that he has started seeing another person. Crap hits the fan. He continues to want to be gentle about the situation. So for the next few months, he plays us both, telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, telling her that he misses his family. Meanwhile, he convinces me to change careers, that he will take care of me while I open my new business. Month 9, he moves in with me. I've still only met his children (ages 10 and 6) once and only for a few minutes. We start doing work on my house. All the while, his soon to be ex is making life hell on him, keeping the kids away, calling all the time, guilt. She's entitled to her hurt but she doesn't get to use the kids. He tells me to stomach through it. That we can make it. 2 months later, he's moved back with her. My house is a shambles, I'm broke with no income trying to make it. I'm possibly going to have to go on welfare and I can't even sell my house because of all the half finished projects. She still doesn't know how long we've had an affair. She thinks I was merely a fling while he found himself. I need my house fixed and I have no money, seriously none. And I left a very lucrative job. I'm considering telling him that if he doesn't help me get my house in sellable condition, I'm going to expose him slowly and painfully. Not just to her, but to his family and his church. And I'll do it through the intimate details, the loving letters and cards, the places we went, etc... It will be an emotional bloodbath for all involved. She'll never trust him again and he will be a prisoner with all the lock down measures she uses to make sure he's not cheating again. Any advice on pros and cons of this path? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I don't mind taking responsibility for my wasted time. But he has culpability in this also. He helped me dig the grave with his lies and he needs to help me out of it. As I said, I was fine with the affair as long as he wasn't lying to me. Really? If he lied to the woman he actually asked to marry and married her what makes you think that he wouldn't lie to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 choose your battles with care, there might be revenge paid back, lies told, if you do become self-employed, say, you might see bad reviews on-line of your work, let it go for your own protection Yes. I'm self employed and I have to agree with this. Besides all the other stuff everyone is saying, when you have your own business, protecting your reputation is everything. You got lucky (as did I) - this woman could have destroyed you publicly. Facebook, Yelp, with social media the possibility for destruction is limitless. Consider it a lesson learned. Move forward with your head held high. You don't need his help. I have friends who have torn down drywall and put up new walls, painted, redone bathrooms on their own. If it was a regular boyfriend who did this, there would nothing you could do to make him finish projects or pay money. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 You made a poor choice when you uprooted your life. You can't expect others to fund your way out of your poor choices. Legally blackmail is....well punishable. Legally....he does not owe you any funds to remodel your home. If you feel that his wife was wrong to use "guilt" during their separation....how does one justify blackmail? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author whoiamnow Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 Because he hadn't before. He was always very upfront and honest WITH ME in that he would not leave. She may be ok with getting lied to. I am not. He needs to pay a price for what he has done to me. As far as my reputation, it's already ruined. Everyone knows that I cheated on my husband. I made it right and got a divorce, giving him EVERYTHING. I lost my house, my friends, my church, my reputation. I paid the price. I'm still paying that price. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Blaackmail is a felony in most states. Don't do it. Have you tried getting a new job like the one you left? I'm sorry he left you in this mess but you can't do anything to make him help you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Because he hadn't before. He was always very upfront and honest WITH ME in that he would not leave. She may be ok with getting lied to. I am not. He needs to pay a price for what he has done to me. As far as my reputation, it's already ruined. Everyone knows that I cheated on my husband. I made it right and got a divorce, giving him EVERYTHING. I lost my house, my friends, my church, my reputation. I paid the price. I'm still paying that price. Don't get me us wrong, what he did to you was defintely wrong and he is an a-hole for doing it. But that doesn't change the fact that you were very reckless. Giving up a career because of someone who was nothing more than a boyfriend? Going into construction on YOUR house with expectation that he would finance it? He has no legal obligation to do so. If he hadn't gone back to his wife and you two had simply broken up for other reasons you would still be in the same situation. I get it, it sucks. Most people here are left in situations that suck. These are hard lessons to learn, but we pick ourselves up somehow and hope to never be that reckless and dumb again. Is there anyway you can go back to work? If not for the same company, maybe you can get a good recommendation from them and find a job somewhere else? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I'm considering telling him that if he doesn't help me get my house in sellable condition, I'm going to expose him slowly and painfully. Not just to her, but to his family and his church. And I'll do it through the intimate details, the loving letters and cards, the places we went, etc... It will be an emotional bloodbath for all involved. Is this really the sort of person you are? Do you do things like this regularly, or is this just some "hell hath no fury" rage talking? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Something's off. If you had a lucrative job before then you can get a mid level job now. Anyone making $100k plus can take a starter $50k position. It requires swallowing pride for a while. So did he have divorce papers in hand when he was working on your house? Blackmail will destroy him, her, and the 10&6 yo kids. Think about that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Because he hadn't before. He was always very upfront and honest WITH ME in that he would not leave. She may be ok with getting lied to. She doesn't know she's being lied to though does she? I am not. He needs to pay a price for what he has done to me. He may well do, but the blackmail route isn't the way. As far as my reputation, it's already ruined. Everyone knows that I cheated on my husband. I made it right and got a divorce, giving him EVERYTHING. I lost my house, my friends, my church, my reputation. I paid the price. I'm still paying that price. I get that you're mad. Maybe rather than blackmail, ask for his assistance as he promised to help. Although you've seen his promises don't mean that much. Then if he doesn't help, you can just tell his wife anyway. That way it's not blackmail. It's just telling his wife about your 6 year affair. You may not think it could get worse for you, but you'd be suprised. You said you've lost your house and friends .... do you want to loose your business as well? Could the BW post it all on social media and more people would knowthat didn't know before. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Because he hadn't before. He was always very upfront and honest WITH ME in that he would not leave. She may be ok with getting lied to. I am not. He needs to pay a price for what he has done to me. As far as my reputation, it's already ruined. Everyone knows that I cheated on my husband. I made it right and got a divorce, giving him EVERYTHING. I lost my house, my friends, my church, my reputation. I paid the price. I'm still paying that price. So what happens if you do blackmail him (I suggest you don't) and he doesn't budge? Then you're sh*t out of luck and possibly entangled in legal issues that will be on your record. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 You had free will. Chalk it up to life lessons and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Have you ever seen the show "Enlightened"? Yeah, she went nuts after she lost her high powered job after having an affair with her boss and absolutely no one cared. And your MM's wife won't care either. Once she finds out that you want money, she will make damn sure that you won't get a dime and she'll stay with him to boot. You....You will be alone. You always lose when you're the single OW. (at least 99% of the time) 8 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 So sorry for the situation you find yourself in but I agree that you probably just have to chalk it up to a lesson learned. Never ever let yourself become dependant on a man, especially not a cheating married man. You were involved in an affair with him for many years before he left his wife so you always knew he was a dishonest man. It doesn't matter that you believe he never lied to you, you knew he was being a deceitful dishonest person from the start. If you witnessed a man stealing from his employer for many years would you hire him to work for you just because he never stole from you? Blackmailing him is a bad idea and could get you in trouble. Also he would be a fool to play along with that. I would out myself before I would let someone blackmail me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 What did he do to damage your house? You stated he destroyed it. Demanding restitution for damage to property is one thing, black mail is another. How did your world get blown up but not his at the same time? Link to post Share on other sites
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