i'm sooo stupid, lost the control

[whichwayisup]

You made an error in judgement. Don't do it again. He's not worth it and honestly you are worthy of someone who will treat you the way you deserve.

 

Go back to NC, it will be hard I'm sure of it, but do NOT allow this man control of your feelings. TELL yourself it was just a roll in the hay and it will never happen again! Be strong newbby!! You can do it!!

[newbby]

thanks wwiu,

you are right, i can do it.

keep it coming, its helping me loads to have all your support.

[whichwayisup]

Your welcome.

 

Just remember HE is not worth it. All your worry, energy and love isn't worth giving him. He has someone else to share his life with...You will find someone who is worthy of your time and love. Just takes time and don't hold in your feelings. Let it out, deal with the pain, but DO NOT put yourself down.

 

It pisses me off, reading OW stories, and how fragile and hurt they become as they become addicted to the feelings MM gives them. It's like a drug and the MM is needed more and more to get by. It's unhealthy and each OW deserves a man who will love JUST them. Just not a married one.

[newbby]

yes, i am a commitment phobe, i know why this relationship was addictive to me.

i just need to heal myself, and get back on track with things.

thankyou again wwiu

[newbby]

oh my god, i have blocked and deleted him, i have to.

its making me feel awful, he is, it is. i dont have any choice.

feel really awful.

[smile95]

I am sorry you are having a tough time....has he been trying to call you?

[kkat]

one thing i hate worse than anything is attempting nc and failing, thats why i am scared to even begin it. it is far worse to try and fail because it knocks your self esteem even more.

 

 

The above is why I feel that NC is not necessarily the best path for you RIGHT NOW. It may be, but just don't necessarily assume that's the case. (If someone could show me the logic, and I am not being sarcastic here, that NC is always, in every case, the best approach - I'd be very interested in learning about that).

 

 

I think that for many of us OW this is a battle against self-esteem issues as much as anything, and I am a big believer in doing what feeds your self-esteem growth path in any healthy way. For me, it has been avoiding opportunities for ex-MM to reject me, since that zaps me in a big way. I just don't know if that is necessarily the case for everyone.

[newbby]

i half attempted nc,

i tried to talk with him about it and simply said, i feel that the other day has affected our friendship and i regret it.

he just said, okay???

then he started talking about other things as he was having a hard time with a friend, i sympathised and then he said he was really angry and was going and would speak to me tommorrow.

so i said okay, i obviously couldnt continue the discussion at that point.

[newbby]

no beth, he has not been trying to call me, he has initiated a few conversations on im, as have i. the conversations on his part have been short and not very forthcoming. perhaps they have been no different, as i said before he has a very full life with many friends etc. it could be that nothing has changed but my perception.

thankyou everyone again. kkat, i agree, i am not sure if nc is best at this point, you know sometimes i feel that nc can become another power game, sometimes it can give the illusion of control but if you dont feel in your heart that you have control there, then it makes no difference.

when we were talking as friends, i could say that i had feelings about the whole thing and i did not feel that i was giving away power by doing so as i was equally verbal about the fact that i no longer wanted the a to continue, i could offer advice to him as a friend about his marriage, now i feel confused about that as i no longer know where i stand with him. what the sex meant to him i have no idea. some would say it meant nothing but that, this may be true, but what if it is not?

i feel it is not the time to discuss it with him.

maybe later, when we have reestablished the friendship, i can talk to him about it and get some clarity, when i am not feeling so vunerable. then i can make the decision again whether i think it is a good idea or not.

you see, whatever anyone may say, it was not neccessarily simply a moment of weakness. it was something that i had wondered about, since we had become very good friends with a good rapport and enjoyed each others company, i really feel this was true and not all an act on his part. i wondered whether things would be different if we slept together again. it is too early to tell whether they were or not. but if i leave things be and try to get the friendship good again then i WILL know.

it is indeed alot to do with self esteem, but sometimes people give advice as though the ow are completely weak with no self control, it is just not true.

[smile95]

NC is case by case. I always would do it and then think....if I love this man, why I not telling him??? It works differently for different people and depends on what you want the end result to be.

 

It sounds like you both love each other. It sounds like neither of you can let go. It seems as if he does want you in his life but just as a friend. Would you be content with just friends? Could do do it? Is there any talk of leaving the w?

 

It sounds like he likes to be loved by you and vice versa. But he may be trying to do the right thing here.

 

Everyone who does NC runs into the issues you are. I know ALL about self esteem issues. I have been there. I still am. For me, if he called me that day, I was so happy. My mood depended on his actions. If he said he loved me, I was so happy. If he did not call, I doubted everything and felt worthless.

 

regardless of if he has a W or not, you loved each other and it is hard. I hope that you can find a middle ground with him that does not hurt you or hold you back in life.

[newbby]

beth, thankyou for your reply.

yes, i really am content with just being friends, if he wants to work on his marriage obviously i would totally respect that. not only because it is the best and right thing to do but also because i would hate for someone to leave for me. i would hate to feel they may later resent me for the loss of wife and family set up. i also could not handle the pressure of that kind of commitment if he was to leave for me.

i do not think it is a likely outcome anyway, i just dont think it will happen.

[smile95]

It sounds like you are a very respectful woman and I commend you. Not many OW would ever say the things you just did.

 

If a frienship is all you need and want and that will nmake you happy, then I say go ahead and be friends. He is not leading you on and you are not wanting more. Just do not jump in the sac again.

 

Please try and date others though and maybe one day you will not feel you need him so much.

[newbby]

thanks beth,

of course saying and doing are two different things

obviously i have not had that much respect for his marriage if i have had an a with him, but, as i have said before, it is very hard to respect a marriage when one half of it seems, with actions and words alike, to not really want to be there.

you asked before if he had talked of leaving, he did, when we were friends, but then he also (when i voiced concerns about whether this secret friendship was hindering progress with his wife) said that the marriage was improving thanks to my excellent advice . he is clearly a game player, but then i can be too, i think everyone is.

[newbby]

kkat, i tried to pm you

[newbby]

joodee, how are you?

[angrydragon]

Hey there. Thanks for all of your kind words and support. Look, I know your beating yourself up for sleeping with this guy, but think about it, how long did you wait??? Now that says something. Either you finally totally fell for him, or you just said let's see how much further this can go. The reason I think he doesn't talk to you like before is that he is afraid. Think about it. After making love everything changes. He knows that. He just doesn't know what to do now. As for you, well your actions spoke louder that any words can. but don't kick yourself in the butt because he can't make up his mind. I know how you feel. I'll tell you about that later. All I can say is that yes it does suck(how you feel right now), but guess what? You'll be just fine. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Hope this helps!!! If you need anything(advice?), feel free to ask anytime!!!

[newbby]

thanks angry dragon,

i know you are new here and dont know my story so i will explain in brief,

we has already had a year long affair, during which i felt he manipulated me into continuing, led me to believe it was more than it was etc, in the beginning, i think he was genuinely very confused and he did leave for a while but his friends convinced him that whatever he was going through it was a bad idea to leave, he would lose his kids etc, i know this because i knew some of his friends and sat there whilst they talked about it, obviously feeling very guilty myself. after that is when he got more manipulative and i felt i lost my power and became abit weak in his company.

after discovering this forum i gathered the strength to leave and then the whole thing was on and off for a little while, he finaly ended things himself, quite bluntly. after that there was a long period of nc, during which time i got over the pain but still missed his company and i initiated a friendship.

in the beginning of the friendship he was trying to continue the a and he got very desperate about it, but then things settled down and we (in my opinion at least) got quite close, and definetly enjoyed each others friendship.

sleeping together was also initiated by me, this time.

it had been quite a while of friendship only.

i wont go into the reasons i slept with him as i am a bit confused about why but have covered most of my thoughts on it in this thread.

i read your particular thread with interest, you obviously do have feelings for your ow, i am not sure if the case is the same for my xmm and i.

i am only worried that he thinks i am hooked on him now and is retreating because of this, or as others have suggested, he got what he wanted and is happy.

in my vunerable state the few days afterwards, i did all i could to throw him off that track, however, think i only made myself look more needy, its hard to say because the way people interpret behaviour is so subjective.

the trouble is that immediately afterwards and probably this had already kicked in, i went through one of my low points, and he knew it as i said i wasnt feeling too good. although i had talked to him before when i was on a down period, my concern is that he thinks it was because of us sleeping together. if so, i must seem a very needy emotional wreck.

[angrydragon]

Your not needy. It's just the shock of what happened settling in. Kinda sucks, right? In my case, It was me who fell head over heels for the girl. You see I am not the type to use anyone, so what happened between us was real. My intentions were never to just have sex, or to even have sex at all with her. it just happened. She finally began to have second thoughts of what we had. So there I was Like a sad puppy trying to make sense of everything that had happened. Let me tell you, that sure can tire the living hell out of you!!!!

[newbby]

yes, its certainly a draining relationship.

i have finally decided the best thing to do as i was just sitting here.

the best thing to do is as little as possible, i felt okay before we slept together this time, however i am feeling now, it is because i am fearing the rejection or dealing with the automatic rejection, the one that is already set up because of the situation.

of course it will take me a little while, for my emotions to settle again, but doing nc is always to me a kind of power game, another one. i do not see the point. my feelings are such that i would probably wonder is he missing me, and he will be, eventuallly, and then what?, at another point down the road i would try to contact again. at least this way i SEE what is going on.

i will be quiet and calm and i will just observe, its the only way i will get over him, i will not do anything drastic like nc. there is no point for me, i know myself.

thankyou for talking, i just read your thread, it sounds like you have come to a decision, this is good.

[angrydragon]

Yes I did. But it's going to be very difficult. I, like you am always wondering does she think about me? Does she miss me. When she does text or email me she says she cares for me alot and that she misses me. Man it pisses me off 'cause it stirs up the emotions again!! So I know how you feel. If you ever want to talk, I have an open ear for ya!!!

[newbby]

thanks angrydragon, likewise

[joodee]

I have been working day and night for the past few days, I am very tired. I still get texts from the x-mm, and I respond back, but I don't have time right now to deal with him at all. I actually have started feeling extremely indifferent towards him, realizing that things really are not my fault, it's him with the serious problem. All I have to do is show the ex-MM that I'll talk to him and be with him whenever he wants, and he will be on it like flies are to sh^&. He would probably be around me every day. All I have to do is allow him to live a fantasy life, brush issues under the carpet, and don't ask too many questions about the W. Allow him to lying and living a double/triple/quadruple life, and we could be ignorantly happy. I don't think so.

 

I just can't help him (and me too) live a secret life away from his W, even though they haven't lived together for years.

 

On top of everything, my x-MM is a PLAYER. Big time. Reality really is setting in on what kind of person he is. And I get sick to my stomach when I think of it!

 

Hang in there, Newwby. The indifference feeling is just around the corner, and you will feel alive again!

[newbby]

i sooo hope so joodee,

the trouble is that my xmm is not trying to talk to me, he is not initiating any conversations, i am.

i felt indifferent when we were friends and the contact was much more balanced.

of course i still had feelings but they were dormant, when i wasnt doing anything more than just talking with him.

they didnt bother me as i did not feel i had given away my power.

grrrr, i have just blocked him again, i was talking to him and he said one thing and that was it, not even polite, i was speaking of nothing emotional at all, just told him of a job opportunity i might have, he did not even say it was good news or anything.

i am just sick of it, why be like this just because we have slept together, i would have been fine about it if he had acted as normal afterwards.

[newbby]

i feel soooooooooooooooo bad right now, really, really, really rejected.

he is not even speaking to me at all, this is awful

[joodee]

Find something to do! I don't have to go to work till later this afternoon, I made a list and did some errands and rehearsing, and I have stuff scheduled each half hour so I have something to look forward to. I called one of my girl friends and she's supposed to call me back, we are supposed to get together for lunch or kick back by the pool. My x-mm has been trying to get a hold of me this morning, I wish my friend would call back so I won't get tempted to talk to x-mm. I only have 4 hours to kill before I go to work, but the temptation is there, because I want live conversation with someone yet I don't want to help the x-mm live a lie.

 

Maybe if you think of it that way, that might make you feel better. Think you don't want to help him live dishonestly. And that he's acting like a jerk. I've had guys act just like the way you described. If you do contact him and he acts weird, just say "gotta go, have a nice day" and hang up/cut off communication for the day. A therapist I had suggested that, it works! You'll feel more empowered, and that will throw him off big time. You don't need to be treated like that.

 

Hope this helps. Hugs to you!