Did he ghost me or did something bad happen? Or is phone just not working!

[Redhead14]

What he is essentially doing is letting you string yourself along.

 

He doesn't know that I would be ok with this. -- You and he both already know you won't be OK with this because you were having a meltdown after only a couple of days of not hearing from him, etc.

 

You're working too hard for a guy who has already shown you how it "would be" with him.

 

And, frankly, IMO, since you ended it when you did instead of letting it play out, we don't know if he would have upped things himself anyway. I mean, since you broke up with him, it's clouded things. You pre-empted whatever he would have done at that point. He's willing to keep you on the string at least especially now that he knows you won't enforce boundaries . . .

 

But, you just never really know for sure, I guess. So, best of luck with this scenario.

[andie1969]

Indeed! Everybody can take a second to text, even if he was a brain surgeon or something.

 

There is one truth - he's losing interest (very common at 2-3 months), he's not yet sure does he wait to drop OP, so he's just slowing down contact aka the 'slow fade'.

 

In early stages of dating 'being busy' = 'being not interested enough'. Pretty much no exceptions, only 'exceptions' are when things reverse (e.g. he was more interested in someone else and the other person dropped, so he reversed his interest)

 

Agreed! I did date a surgeon for a few months and he texted me all the time! In between surgeries, right after work, in the morning, etc. He also had 4 kids he had 50% custody of, so he had the epitome of a busy schedule. There were other reasons we did not continue dating, but communication was not one of them.

[andie1969]

3.5 days (Fri-Mon), unless you count the day I saw him which was Thursday...

 

And he FINALLY got back to you after how many attempts by you to contact him? If you had stopped reaching out at all do you think he would have contacted you on his own? OP, I've been there, it f'ing hurts, no doubt. This happened with my BF about 6 weeks into our relationship. I hadn't heard from him in a day, sent a "hey what's up" type of message and he replied he wasn't sure he was ready for this, blah blah. I said ok, good luck, etc. and did not contact him again, at all. About a month later he reaches out to me and asks to meet, we do, he explains, we talk it out and have been back together for almost 2 years. If it's meant to be, it will happen, there is nothing you can do or say to make him feel or do anything he doesn't want to do. The best thing you can do is just back off, I KNOW how hard that is, I truly do.

[olivetree]

And, frankly, IMO, since you ended it when you did instead of letting it play out, we don't know if he would have upped things himself anyway. I mean, since you broke up with him, it's clouded things.

 

She broke the silence instead of letting him come around on his own, but I don't see anywhere that she broke up with him.

 

If she had, she wouldn't be getting the flack she has!

[introverted1]

It's cringe-inducing to see a middle-aged woman expend so much effort on a guy who has told her he isn't interested. You are acting like you're fighting for a long term relationship when in reality you have been hanging out for two months and he's over it. Somehow you missed a lesson most of us learned the hard way by age 25: if someone wants to walk out of your life, let them.

 

I wish I could like this more than once!

 

And, frankly, IMO, since you ended it when you did instead of letting it play out, we don't know if he would have upped things himself anyway. I mean, since you broke up with him, it's clouded things. You pre-empted whatever he would have done at that point. He's willing to keep you on the string at least especially now that he knows you won't enforce boundaries . . .

 

Red, are you confusing Bulldog with Minka? I don't think BD broke up with this guy. She's choosing to ignore the writing on the wall, and possibly the wall itself! Interesting that what you wrote in bold applies in both cases.

[hippychick3]

Agreed! I did date a surgeon for a few months and he texted me all the time! In between surgeries, right after work, in the morning, etc. He also had 4 kids he had 50% custody of, so he had the epitome of a busy schedule. There were other reasons we did not continue dating, but communication was not one of them.

 

Yep, I dated a pediatric oncologist several years ago and he frequently texted me in between patients. My brother is a surgeon, and he will often text me between surgeries.

 

There are always opportunities to send a text on any given day.

[niji]

I feel that a lot of the advice you have been receiving is just a bit premature. Why is it so many of the gals here are out for blood, eager to kick him to the curb? Cut off his balls, get the noose ready, draw and quarter him. . . .

This knowing or not knowing about the status of your relationship won't last very long, whatever is happening will become plainly obvious in a very short amount of time.

 

Ooo pick me, I know why! Because when someone is infatuated (a choice of word I use for this early stage of a relationship), they aren't able to think as logically as they would without their hormones involved. We've all been there, done that, did the things we later regret and asked ourselves how we could have been so stupid, blah blah. So while many advices are rather harsh for a seemingly innocuous crime, it's what the OP needs, because she has already given herself all of the positive advices.

 

When I was going back and forth with a love interest who wasn't so interested my best friend was giving me hell every day. My choice, as I came to her for advice, and so she gave it to me. She used very harsh words against him and I thought he didn't deserve such terms, he was "a nice man" after all, otherwise why would I even bother. The thing was, he wasn't VERY interested in me, just like the OP's man is not VERY invested in her.

 

He may be more invested, more serious in the future, but not NOW. My approach for now would be the same as everyone else - stop initiating, wait for him to come around (and he'd better show some serious interest this time). I never posted because it felt like beating a dead horse (plus so many other solid advices already I'd be repeating them anyway), but couldn't help replying to you.

 

@OP: I have never, save for once, gone back and forth with relationships before, a done is a done. The one time I did it wasn't with someone I dated but rather someone I liked, and that's the only time I regret doing something for love (or feelings/infatuation, whatever ) Just like your case, it's not that one is a good or bad person, it's that they don't have enough feelings for us, and are just wasting our times. And time seems dispensable when you're 18 until you're older with, well, not a whole lot of time left. Considering you're not 18, I'd like to think you want more out of your time.

[Redhead14]

I wish I could like this more than once!

 

 

 

Red, are you confusing Bulldog with Minka? I don't think BD broke up with this guy. She's choosing to ignore the writing on the wall, and possibly the wall itself! Interesting that what you wrote in bold applies in both cases.

 

Yep, I did get mixed up, thanks But, yeah, it applies to both.

[Lorenza]

It seems like OP got very defensive and started contradicting herself...

 

If I remember correctly, she said that she was "bawling her eyes out" during the weekend and reached out to that guy several times. Even called him from a hidden number.

 

So it was Bulldog herself who was very upset and disturbed by his behaviour. And rightfully so. People took her side and encouraged her to not tolerate that kind of crap.

 

But then he answered and suddenly it's "just 3,5 days" and telling everyone they're too harsh and unreasonable. Now she only welcomes posters who'd excuse that guy. Just pointing it out to the OP. Seems like she is at a point of her life when little attention is better than no attention.

 

One more thing - after ignoring you for 3,5 days, he came back with "I can keep seeing you, but I won't be putting any effort in". And you accept it, Op. Why? You say that it's too harsh to judge him on this one time, but by accepting you now set a new rule in your...relationship. He just saw that he can disappear and reappear with no consequences.

[GoreSP]

You have to see "I'm too busy" as meaning "this isn't important to me so I won't make time for this". Especially in dating.

 

If a guy is too busy to send me even a good night text, well I must be pretty low on his list of important people.

If he can't even bother to answer a text with at least "hey, busy, talk later" I'll assume I'm not even on this list.

[BlueRidgeMT]

It seems like OP got very defensive and started contradicting herself...

 

If I remember correctly, she said that she was "bawling her eyes out" during the weekend and reached out to that guy several times. Even called him from a hidden number.

 

So it was Bulldog herself who was very upset and disturbed by his behaviour. And rightfully so. People took her side and encouraged her to not tolerate that kind of crap.

 

But then he answered and suddenly it's "just 3,5 days" and telling everyone they're too harsh and unreasonable. Now she only welcomes posters who'd excuse that guy. Just pointing it out to the OP. Seems like she is at a point of her life when little attention is better than no attention.

 

One more thing - after ignoring you for 3,5 days, he came back with "I can keep seeing you, but I won't be putting any effort in". And you accept it, Op. Why? You say that it's too harsh to judge him on this one time, but by accepting you now set a new rule in your...relationship. He just saw that he can disappear and reappear with no consequences.

 

 

 

^^ This EXACTLY. You hit the nail on the head. I think the OP was quite rude to the people who tried to help her. As you say, she did not want to hear what is most likely the truth. And the two people who told her not to give up on the guy, she grabbed onto THEM while kicking the rest to the curb. Well, I tell you what. OP, you were dealing with this guy for the past two months? Or three months?

 

Regardless I tell you what. Come back here in 8 weeks and tell us how this 'relationship' is going. You are so confidant now that he gave you some attention that you can shrug off 90% of the people that tried to give you advice, come back here and be HONEST and tell us where this relationship is.

If it is where we all KNOW it will be, there a few certain members you should apologize to.

 

If a man TRULY wants you, or is interested in you, you will NEVER have to come on a message board asking about his behavior, wondering why he hasn't called, crying yourself to sleep. You wont have to make excuses for him, or downplay his behavior. When two people are TRULY into each other, that's not what happens. When a man really wants to get to know a woman, ( or vice versa)you will know. If you have not learned this yet, you will.

 

You are about to learn this now.

Edited January 12, 2017 by BlueRidgeMT