Dating my married boss

[sweets93]

DISCLAIMER: I am fully aware I am wrong in this situation and amnot justifying my actions. However, I am posting here in search of advice from those who have been in similar situations. SO if you have nothing but cruel comments to make, take them elsewhere.

 

So, here is my story.

 

I am a 23yo woman and I have been the OW in an affair with my boss for a few months now.He is 15 years my senior. It started of as innocent flirting, and working in a kitchen, I didn't think much of it, as this is how we all are with each other. I had spent time with him and his wife just the three of us, as well as in a group setting, so I really just assumed it was nothing.

Over time he began to confide in me, and I in him, and we grew to be rather close friends. He was there for me everyday with phone calls and support when I was going through some serious personal issues and had to take a leave of absence at work. Through all this, there was an undeniable chemistry and connection growing between us.

One evening I offered to let him crash at my house, as he was closing(11pm) and opening the following morning(6am) and was without his car bc it was in the shop. One thing led to another and so began the beginning of our physical relationship. Since then I see him at work everyday, and see each other outside of work around 3 nights a week. Sometimes it is just for a few hours of quality time at my house, some times he spends the night, sometimes we go out on dates to dinner/drinks/movies/etc.

At first it was all just fun and excitement. But overtime my feelings for him have grown, and he says his have as well. He always tells me about how his marriage has been falling apart for years, and how he feels so confused since meeting me. He tells me that he loves me often, and how he wishes we had met sooner. In my heart I know he will never leave his wife of 15 years. Over the past week, I have begun to feel very depressed about this. It upsets me each time he leaves, hurts to think of him going home to lay next to his wife. Hurts to realize that I will never be put first in his life.

I have been open in discussing these feelings with him. He has apologized profusely, and says he never expected things to become this emotionally involved, on his end or mine. He tells me how much he cares about me as a person, and has offered to end things amicably with me if that is what I wish. He reiterates to me that he is confused about what to do with his marriage, but that he understands that it is selfish and unkind to expect me to wait around while he gets his affairs in order. He has offered to remain close friends and continue to be a person I can lean on for support, or to end our personal relationship/friendship entirely and just be professional to one another at work-whichever scenario is my preference.

 

At this point I am just confused and heartbroked and not sure how to proceed. Any advice, encouragement, or similar stories are welcome and appreciated.

[Friskyone4u]

The first thing you can do is read some books on infidelity, and you will quickly find out what the percentages are for successful long term relationships when cheaters get together. The information is out there if you want to bother finding it.

 

I think you are better off exploring the facts yourself because it is obvious you are not going to listen to anyone on here, which is fine.

 

You will also find out the percentage of men that leave their wives and families for the OW. And this forum will provide you with a brigade of ladies who have lost years of their life sitting around.

 

Now, you are obviously convinced you are unique so maybe you will be one of the less than 10% who ride off into the sunset with the new soulmate. If you want to take that gamble go right ahead.

 

Now if you consider the factual information and statistics you will read if you bother mean , so be it.

 

Notice I did not say a word about the moral implications of what you are engaged in. You know and don';t care so no one needs to bother going there.

 

I guess you are looking for some Prince Charming stories. Hope you find it

[Purepony]

He's just playing you to score

Hats off to the guy for scoring with a younger woman

 

He knows why he's doing is wrong and he leads you on by continuing this affair

[sweets93]

I am not sure what in my post implies the fact that I think I am "special and unique" and will be one of the 10% that will walk away from an affair with my prince charming(btw the percentage is MUCH lower then that if you want to throw the number around).

 

Maybe I did not make it clear in my story, but my intention is to end the affair. I am just not sure how to proceed.

[Purepony]

Find another job

Change your number or block his number

Block all possible contact points like email or social media etc

Take some time to recover

And find someone who will be on your side they thick n thin

[sweets93]

As much as I would like to find another job, that is absolutely not possible. I am a cook as well as a single mother with no contact or support from my child's father. In this industry almost every job requires nights and weekends, and offers no type of benefits. Where I am employed now I work m-f 9-5 with benefits good enough to rival any corporate company. I simply cannot give up with stability for me and my child. He is in a management position, with one other employee being his equal, and two other employees having seniority over him. I want to end this in a way that will not be revealing to those higher-ups, as I do not wish for him or myself to lose our jobs. I have also been employed there for four years, he has only been there for one.

[SolG]

Hi Sweets. I'm always sad when I read a story where someone so young is involved in such a mess.

 

To put a little science around it... self regulation is driven by the prefrontal cortex (higher functioning) exerting control over the subcortical regions (emotion and reward). And the prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed until around age 25. This doesn't absolve young people of responsibility for their wrongdoings... but it seems to me particularly predatory for an older MM/W to target someone this young who is yet to develop all their physiological defences. It is literally more difficult to navigate complex moral and emotional issues such as an A at such an age.

 

I think you would be best off reverting to a professional only relationship with your boss. It will hurt of course, but you'll recover. But the longer you leave it, the more hurt there will be.

 

You are so young with so much ahead of you; most likely including a real life partner.

 

Are you close to your mother? If my daughter were in such a predicament I would like to think that she would turn to me for unconditional love and support to help her through it.

[waterwoman]

"how he wishes we had met sooner"

 

Blimey! Much sooner and it would have been illegal. It's so sad to see someone as you as you caught up in this.

 

How to end it? First of all an honest conversation with him. If he cares about you as much as he says he will understand that this relationship is hurting you far too much to continue. Then if that doesn't work tell him that you will inform his wife if he doesn't back off (IMO she should know anyway but that's neither here nor there)

[sandylee1]

It seems complex because emotions are involved, but if you look at the situation practically, you'll realise the options are :

 

To carry on having the affair. You'll get more emotionally involved and it will be harder to recover eventually. He won't end it because he now has a wife and a girl on the side to satisfy him. Also consider that the longer it goes on, the more likely you are to get found out.

 

Will you be okay with all the insults that come your way? You need this job, but when people are horrible and label you as a home wrecker how will you feel about going to work everyday?

 

When people say "and she even knew his wife and was friendly with her. Stay far away from her."

 

Who do you really think will come out of this worse if all is revealed?

 

 

 

OR

 

End the affair and save yourself a lot of hurt down the line.

 

 

If you stay in the affair, then you eliminate your chance of finding a decent available man. You're just 23 and you could have a good relationship with someone else and be much happier than you seem right now.

 

I'm not sure how you thought it was a good idea to suggest that a married man sleeps over at your place, regardless of what time he was starting work. That was highly inappropriate, but I was a bit naive when I was younger, so maybe that's just what it was.

[sandylee1]

I just saw that you intend to end it.

 

You proceed by saying... it's over and you want to keep it professional. I suggest you also look for another job in the meanwhile.

[Friskyone4u]

OK, if you want to know how to proceed on how to end the affair, that one is SIMPLE.

 

STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM. Men enter affairs for sex, and no that does not mean he does not care about you, but he will stop pursuing you once he actually believes you are having no more sex with him.

 

If you want to end the affair, there is no pill you can take to make it nice and easy. You have do grit your teeth and do it, and there is plenty of confirmation of the forum you are on here to show you that.

[elaine567]

Agree with friskyone4u - YOU need to stop the sex and mean it.

NO kissing or cuddling or the odd hug, no "confusion" or being easily persuaded to say yes, just NO, NO and NO.

 

He will not like it, he may get angry, he may try to black mail you, he may beg, he may plead, he may make declarations of "love", he may even make (most likely) false promises to leave his wife, but if you do not falter, he will get the message.

 

He is a cake eater, he likes the status quo, he likes the "extra", but it is making you miserable and it will continue to do so, so forget about him and his "feelings" and instead chose YOU.

[notmyselfnow]

As much as I would like to find another job, that is absolutely not possible. I am a cook as well as a single mother with no contact or support from my child's father. In this industry almost every job requires nights and weekends, and offers no type of benefits. Where I am employed now I work m-f 9-5 with benefits good enough to rival any corporate company. I simply cannot give up with stability for me and my child. He is in a management position, with one other employee being his equal, and two other employees having seniority over him. I want to end this in a way that will not be revealing to those higher-ups, as I do not wish for him or myself to lose our jobs. I have also been employed there for four years, he has only been there for one.

 

He's your boss, and you had an affair with him. Aside from any emotional issues (you will not be able to recover from the affair while still working with him) your job is done. That is a consequence of what you did.

 

You should start looking for a new job now. If it is uncovered, you will be fired, you will lose any chance of a good recommendation, and your reputation will be ruined. You should start looking for a new job now, and hope you find one before your affair becomes public knowledge.

 

You got played by a man who isn't confused at all about what he wants. He wants a piece on the side, and he got it.

[Backornot]

Sweets - I recommend you read, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. In it she explains in great detail how people that work together can get sucked into affairs and how to avoid that in the future.

 

It sounds to me like your MM read the book and applied the advice in reverse to hook you. His aproach to you was a text book example of how to seduce a co-worker.

[stillafool]

As much as I would like to find another job, that is absolutely not possible. I am a cook as well as a single mother with no contact or support from my child's father. In this industry almost every job requires nights and weekends, and offers no type of benefits. Where I am employed now I work m-f 9-5 with benefits good enough to rival any corporate company. I simply cannot give up with stability for me and my child. He is in a management position, with one other employee being his equal, and two other employees having seniority over him. I want to end this in a way that will not be revealing to those higher-ups, as I do not wish for him or myself to lose our jobs. I have also been employed there for four years, he has only been there for one.

 

1. Tell him it's over

2. Stop seeing him outside of work

3. Stop having sex with him

4. Speak only when it involves your job

5. Move on with your life

 

If you follow the above you will have ended the affair.

[stillafool]

I work m-f 9-5 with benefits good enough to rival any corporate company. I simply cannot give up with stability for me and my child.

 

To preserve the stability for you and your child please do not get involved with another MM. That is the sure way to end stability for you both. You should be looking for single men who can provide stability.

[Southern Sun]

I am not sure what in my post implies the fact that I think I am "special and unique" and will be one of the 10% that will walk away from an affair with my prince charming(btw the percentage is MUCH lower then that if you want to throw the number around).

 

Maybe I did not make it clear in my story, but my intention is to end the affair. I am just not sure how to proceed.

 

That first post was overly harsh and honestly kind of random. Take the advice that helps you.

 

It's easy to get swept away in a workplace affair. I did, with my married boss as well (similar age differential too). I was older however, and married myself. But you spend so much time together, and proximity can really create affection and attachment. You see each other performing and hopefully doing things well. You are probably at the least showered and looking nice when you come into work. I know you said you are in a kitchen so it's not like you get super dressed up, but you are still showing competency and that's sexy. It happens. Especially when you allow it to.

 

I think you already know this isn't going to go anywhere good. Ultimately it will just cause pain for you, and that is really the BEST possible ending at this point. If that's all that happens, most people get out unscathed. What happens in a good percentage of these cases, however, is that more people than just you get hurt...the BS finds out, maybe other employees, MM might have to quit, YOU might have to quit (which is far more likely, BTW), etc., etc.

 

The way you describe the MM, he actually sounds like he just got caught up in your relationship too. I'm not absolving him of his actions. I'm saying that it doesn't sound like he played some crazy manipulative or predatory game with you (age difference aside...you are still a fully-legal adult). I think you are in this together, but more likely than not, you will have to pull the plug alone. Affairs usually work a lot better for MM than single OW.

 

It's just best to tell him simply that it's over and to keep your relationship professional from now on. Easier said than done, yes. But for your own sake, you should do it. And...you really should find another job. It will make your life a lot easier.