When you still love each other but real love ain't enough

[Leigh 87]

First off, I am not asking anyone advice. I don't need to be told what to do (obviously I need to move out, go no contact and grieve. I get it.)

 

What I am sorely needing right now is to listen to other people's stories who have suffered a break up that didn't really have a natural end. Not as in a death where you were strong until the end. I am speaking about the type of break ups where the chemistry and lust and the right "feelings " are still present, yet you had reasons other than lack of love that drove you apart.

 

It is really frustrating. With all my other break ups, I absolutely knew they were not some great love of my life. I got over two of them right away and they died a natural death for me despite both men being in love with me, one hopelessly so. Then there was one guy who I was in love with but didn't feel the same way about me, who I wanted to be together with still (but always knew deep down wasn't the One I would grow old with). But that lingering longing for him dissipated quick and I used him as what I didn't ever want ever again (dude who wasn't that into me and used me for his convenience).

 

This time was different. We are BOTH still in love and love one another enough. Things just didn't work due to our own personality defects. 2 exes were still in love with me when it ended. I was still in love with one when it ended. This time we are both still in love and it ended.

 

I am doing fine, I am the most confident I have ever been in all aspects of my life. This is hardly the end of the world for me. I am a positive person and enjoy being alive.

 

Now I am curious. Has anyone been through a break up like this ? We both still believe we were the loves of each other's lives. Or at least one of the great loves. It is definitely a relationship that will likely be thought of as the/one of the great loves.

It is funny. Right now time apart is exactly what we both feel like! It is the mourning that is going to be the killer here; we had an extremely secure and loved up relationship, we REALLY believed we would grow old together.

We are grieving the loss of such a warm and secure thing we had going, in addition to the spark we will probably always share.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So please, now is the time to vent about your breakup and share with me any similarities.

 

But the way, I am 30 and have dated around and slept around a lot. Have had 4 relationships lasting a year or more. What I am most bummed about is that I know how rare it is to get the instant spark and lightening strike . The magic type of chemistry. AND also be compatible. It is akin to a lotto win.

I thought we won relationship lotto. The men I felt excited about and had the dreamy chemistry with, weren't into me or unsuitable. Of course this leaves all the men who were good for me and into me, as being the men I was never crazy in love with nor could I get giddy with excitement over them.

 

I feel really lucky that I have had two relationships with that chemistry and one of them, the most recent one, we also had fairly decent compatibility too.

 

 

 

 

 

This is the quite before the storm... I feel great now but we all know I will flip flop all over the place in the weeks and months to come.

 

Reading your experienced will sure help.

 

Thanks in advance those who are willing to share.

Edited January 9, 2017 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

To edit: while I am going to read them all, I am lost interested in those of you who were still in love... both will in love with each other and had to break up due to outside factors.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did you break up?

 

I gather there were external factors, but what were they? I think that would help us to provide good feedback as there might be others who've been in the same boat.

[samantha_t85]

It would be helpful if you could explain the circumstances surrounding your break-up.

[PrincessWarrior1]

TBH I didn't really read the whole thing as I am trying to decompress w my pepperment tea. However in my personal experience real love is enough. However sometimes in relationships, one person gives up for whatever reasons and the other person tows the line, which makes it totally not fair and chaotic for lack of better words.

 

However, you can take a break to regroup and replenish yourself. I have done that also until I started to miss the person enough or had the strength the give some more. But if the other person is plain out a taker, it's never enough and it is just a toxic attachment. There is never any growth just straight up usury to the point where you have no choice but to let go and move on w your life for your own health, well-being, and sanity.

 

What is meant to be will be, if you need a break sweetie, just take it!

[Leigh 87]

He is a former drug addict.

 

I just figure that not one gets it all. I got the great love and chemistry and we got along so well and we're compatible in regards to the biggies like kids, home ownership and marriage. He seems loyal to a fault. I just figured you don't get the ten chemistry coupled with great compatibility very often, if at all in a lifetime.

Providing a recovering addict has held a full time job for years, even during relapses, then I was fine with dating an addict.

 

While he has always held a stable job, he did relapse while with me. He wants a clean life and he reached a point where he knows he cannot even use occasionally and also change a decent life. Despite his addiction, I don't believe he is in danger of becoming a full blown junkie. After ten years he hasn't, but relapsing was scary. He went on a week long binge.

 

Basically, the worst I feel that will happen is he will have the occasional relapse where he then knows to stop. Rinse and repeat.

 

So it is not just his prior addiction, although it is the main driving force behind it. Although it is his addiction that I believe, made him into a moodier, meaner person. He is a nice guy but at times he is a bit too harsh for my liking. Just the way he disciplines the dogs for instance by smacking them. Although my dad was the same and my dad had a nasty streak despite being a good person.

 

The prior addiction, the fact he thinks life is so boring and listless without drugs, and the fact we have total breakdowns of communication.... are the reasons for

our end:(Things got bad. Very bad. But we both never stopped loving each other or feeling in love and lusting for one another. We are both very flawed and had too many silly breakdowns in communication where we argued intensely over something we both actually agreed upon.

 

Ultimately, despite having similar outlooks on life and being compatible in areas such as finances, marriage and kids, and having a great ability to make each other laugh ----- The repeated arguments and the fact that dating a former addict is never the same or as easy as dating a non addict ----- caused our demise.

 

One does loose some admiration and respect for the other after repeated intense arguments. Thee is definitely still love there though.

[Leigh 87]

TBH I didn't really read the whole thing as I am trying to decompress w my pepperment tea. However in my personal experience real love is enough. However sometimes in relationships, one person gives up for whatever reasons and the other person tows the line, which makes it totally not fair and chaotic for lack of better words.

 

However, you can take a break to regroup and replenish yourself. I have done that also until I started to miss the person enough or had the strength the give some more. But if the other person is plain out a taker, it's never enough and it is just a toxic attachment. There is never any growth just straight up usury to the point where you have no choice but to let go and move on w your life for your own health, well-being, and sanity.

 

What is meant to be will be, if you need a break sweetie, just take it!

 

 

 

I will thanks. We both frankly want to be single. We have like... ZERO desire to be in a relationship lol. We both have that outlook right now yet our love has not died and we are still IN love also, although definitely not the same as before the admiration and respect had drastically been cut back:(

 

It is purely our love that made us try and stay together. We have looked at our relationship for some time and said okay this ain't working....lets take a much needed break up and what'll be will be. Neither of us have any desire or attachment for an actual relationship. We didn't prior nor do we now. We did however love the feeling of falling head over heels in love and getting to come home to a best friend.

 

We believe our relationship may be salvageable but honestly, a break up is still a break up. We need time apart. Most couples who break up probably don't get back together so....

 

Drug addicts even the recovering ones who hold a job, are notoriously difficult to live with.

 

Trust me when I say that real love ISNT enough when it comes to addiction.

 

I fcking hate drugs now. I never was one to use them beyond my younger experimental times, but now I am even dead set against even experimenting. They ruin lives. After seeing the less they left my guy in.... a nice guys life, basically ruined. He goes through the motions and the initial high of falling in love made him happy but many recovering addicts never feel that life is worth living without getting high. Even months after using or years after last using.

 

I will never get involved with a recovering addict again.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're right that love isn't enough when it comes to addiction.

 

I would argue, though, that he isn't a former addict - he's not clean if he's been relapsing. While he might not be using every day, he is still using when he shouldn't be touching drugs at all. He is still addicted.

 

Remember the above when you get nostalgic. His drug addiction might be "tolerable" enough now when you have no legal or family ties to him, but imagine what it would feel like if you were married to and had children with him. You were right in recognizing that his usage is serious, and it will cause major problems. No child deserves to be brought up in that type of environment, and a marriage would suffer tremendously. Emotionally, financially, and even legally if he wound up on the wrong side of the law.

 

Unless he is in treatment, it is unlikely your relationship is salvageable. I would not even entertain the idea of getting back together at this point. Your best bet will be to do what you know you need to do - go No Contact and give yourself time to heal.

 

You say he got moody and things got bad. Can you give an example? Was he violent with you?

[Lorenza]

In my oppinion, love is nothing without a stable, solid ground. It's like a flower, pretty to look at and behold for a moment but without it, it will wither eventually. You still love him NOW, but such love wouldn't thrive without a good foundation of healthy, responsible choices. So I'm glad you're taking responsibility for you life and future and quitting this relationship for a VERY valid reasons. Add a couple of more years of dealing with his relapses and worsening moods and your love and chemistry would mean nothing.

[Leigh 87]

You're right that love isn't enough when it comes to addiction.

 

I would argue, though, that he isn't a former addict - he's not clean if he's been relapsing. While he might not be using every day, he is still using when he shouldn't be touching drugs at all. He is still addicted.

 

Remember the above when you get nostalgic. His drug addiction might be "tolerable" enough now when you have no legal or family ties to him, but imagine what it would feel like if you were married to and had children with him. You were right in recognizing that his usage is serious, and it will cause major problems. No child deserves to be brought up in that type of environment, and a marriage would suffer tremendously. Emotionally, financially, and even legally if he wound up on the wrong side of the law.

 

Unless he is in treatment, it is unlikely your relationship is salvageable. I would not even entertain the idea of getting back together at this point. Your best bet will be to do what you know you need to do - go No Contact and give yourself time to heal.

 

You say he got moody and things got bad. Can you give an example? Was he violent with you?

 

 

I am in the fence about treatment. I believe addicts either recover entirely, recover to a functional level where they hold down a decent job but relapse maybe one every few years, and then there are those junkies who die or are homeless.

 

Many don't recover. Recovering isn't uncommon though, either. Many studies suggest that just as many recover without treatment providing they quit for the right reasons and know that they mud never use again.

 

Many addicts think the can just use responsibly. Not my ex. He learnt that he can point blank never use. He actively chooses a clean life with stability over the drug induced binges he knows that await if he tried to ever use even as a one time thinng.

 

I am actually pretty optimistic regarding his willpower and drive to stay clean. He is honestly a working person, I know he would not let himself become destitute. He would eventually get his act together before that happened.

 

Even if it means relapsing a few times, I know he will do what it takes to stay employed. I guess I just don't want to be sucked into his vortex of depression that arises from many addicts

 

Treatments vary and are not always effective. People need to want to quit and for the right reasons.

 

He has never hurt me physically but he had a bit of a sailors north with the barrages of swear words he used. I would say he was verbally abusive but never physically. And he always felt ashamed and disgusted after any outburst.

 

I am open to reconciliation if he proved after a year or more, that he is committed to recovering and valued life clean.

 

We met when he was one year clean. Again - he ALWAYS was a hard worker and held a job for the decade long addiction.

 

I hate that the high from shooting up disguisting drugs felt better than a life with me. Nothing compared to the high. Nothing I do can compare to how nice that high feels for him.

 

Life without drugs is a watered down version for him.

[Leigh 87]

In my oppinion, love is nothing without a stable, solid ground. It's like a flower, pretty to look at and behold for a moment but without it, it will wither eventually. You still love him NOW, but such love wouldn't thrive without a good foundation of healthy, responsible choices. So I'm glad you're taking responsibility for you life and future and quitting this relationship for a VERY valid reasons. Add a couple of more years of dealing with his relapses and worsening moods and your love and chemistry would mean nothing.

 

Well you never know what the future holds for him. Let's pray that he recovers. People do all the time.

 

My greatest wish is that he recovers. And learns to enjoy life clean. He did enjoy it while he fell hard for me in the beginning. But after that high haunch naturally occurs during that very early stage of the relationship, he went back to hating life without drugs.

 

My first wish is that he recovers. That is what would make me the happiest.

 

Whether we got back together or not is secondary and not my first wish.

 

Of course we all secretly hope our love story reads like the notebook and they change and come after you declaring euro u dying love. LOL.

 

And that is the point of this thread actually, we had real love and it didn't die prior to breaking up. This obviously means I need to stay stronger than if one of both parties fell out of love when it comes to no contact !!!!

[ExpatInItaly]

It's good that he can hold down a job. But that isn't enough, in my opinion. When you consider the long-term prospects, someone who is a recovering addict and still binges is not going to be able to provide much stability or healthy love even if they are not using every day and still working.

 

I say that because verbal abuse is still abuse. It's still unhealthy and destructive, both to you and any children you two may have had.

 

Drug use is still drug use, and not something any child should be exposed to. It comes with a number of other problems, including time and money taken away from the family to be spent on drugs. It comes with unstable moods and erratic behaviour, as a result of the substance in use. That is difficult for any partner to withstand, let alone a child who have no say and no ability to leave.

 

You're already seeing problems, and you hadn't been together all that long, relatively-speaking. He might want to be clean, but his relapsing suggests his methods aren't working and he isn't capable to doing it on his own.

 

You are absolutely doing the right thing in breaking up. If you hate drugs and drug use and want a happy and healthy family someday, then this is not the man for you. He's not ready for it yet, and you are wise to extricate yourself now before it deteriorates any further. Good for you, Leigh.

[elhacedor]

Hello! I feel I'm going through that kind of breakup right now. I already told the story of my relationship and my breakup in my thread, so I will not do it again here.

 

My ex girlfriend and I had that kind of relationship; great chemistry, mutual love and admiration, similar interests and goals. For the first time in my life I had such strong feelings for someone who reciprocated them.

 

Now, I know that I’m not in my ex’s head, but I’m positive that she feels the same way. The last weeks, when she already decided to break up but we still lived together, she was devastated as if she was the dumped. And now, even if we are in NC, I know through a mutual friend that she still loves and misses me. And, although she is a serial dumper, it’s the first time in her life that she breaks up with someone she still is in love with.

 

For me, this is extremely frustrating. I always thought that when you truly love someone, you do not break up with him. Unless, of course, your reason is telling you to do so because you think the relationship is objectively toxic.

That, apparently, is what she thought. Our differences of personality led us to fight, and that made her think that we do not have a future together. So she said that, even if we love each other, we were both wasting our time being together.

 

I did not agree. I think we would only have been wasting time If we had known that a perfect relationship was waiting for us in the future. This might be the case, but we all know how difficult is to find such a natural and requited love... Last weekend, I went to a friend’s birthday party. She turned 30. My friend and some other girls were complaining about commitement-phobic Tinder guys they use to date, and how difficult it seems to find true love. That talk made me very sad.

 

So I saw no reason to break up with my ex, and that's why I feel so frustrated now. I don’t want to fall out of love with her, and I don’t want her to fall out of love with me. It seems so… unnecessary. And yet I know we have to (and eventually will), since she decided to go back to her country (she even moved her flight earlier, to avoid the “temptation” of staying with me) and start no contact.

 

I had a lot of unrequited loves in my life, and I never had problems to move on. In this case, I’m having quite a difficult time.

 

I would like to have one more chance to fight for this, but there is no option but to suffer, and eventually forget.

[Leigh 87]

It's good that he can hold down a job. But that isn't enough, in my opinion. When you consider the long-term prospects, someone who is a recovering addict and still binges is not going to be able to provide much stability or healthy love even if they are not using every day and still working.

 

I say that because verbal abuse is still abuse. It's still unhealthy and destructive, both to you and any children you two may have had.

 

Drug use is still drug use, and not something any child should be exposed to. It comes with a number of other problems, including time and money taken away from the family to be spent on drugs. It comes with unstable moods and erratic behaviour, as a result of the substance in use. That is difficult for any partner to withstand, let alone a child who have no say and no ability to leave.

 

You're already seeing problems, and you hadn't been together all that long, relatively-speaking. He might want to be clean, but his relapsing suggests his methods aren't working and he isn't capable to doing it on his own.

 

You are absolutely doing the right thing in breaking up. If you hate drugs and drug use and want a happy and healthy family someday, then this is not the man for you. He's not ready for it yet, and you are wise to extricate yourself now before it deteriorates any further. Good for you, Leigh.

 

I don't care for kids.

 

Never have.

 

I am a dog person. Opening a dog shelter has been my dream since I was a child.

 

Never did marriage or kids cross my mind.

 

However with him, the love was intense enough to shake up my bio block. However eithout HIM, specifically him (or another great love ) I literally have zero urge of having kids.

 

I was only open to a love child. Having kids has never been something I felt the inclination for outside of some great love.

 

So yeah. Absolutely NO pressure here for me to want stability or kids; I will inherit a decent house and am halfway through a podiatry degree. I don't need a family nor a man in order for me to live my dream of overseas travel and rescuing dogs once so own some land.

 

I genuinely love this person and we have a special connection and he makes me laugh a lot. I loved coming home to him.

[Leigh 87]

Hello! I feel I'm going through that kind of breakup right now. I already told the story of my relationship and my breakup in my thread, so I will not do it again here.

 

My ex girlfriend and I had that kind of relationship; great chemistry, mutual love and admiration, similar interests and goals. For the first time in my life I had such strong feelings for someone who reciprocated them.

 

Now, I know that I’m not in my ex’s head, but I’m positive that she feels the same way. The last weeks, when she already decided to break up but we still lived together, she was devastated as if she was the dumped. And now, even if we are in NC, I know through a mutual friend that she still loves and misses me. And, although she is a serial dumper, it’s the first time in her life that she breaks up with someone she still is in love with.

 

For me, this is extremely frustrating. I always thought that when you truly love someone, you do not break up with him. Unless, of course, your reason is telling you to do so because you think the relationship is objectively toxic.

That, apparently, is what she thought. Our differences of personality led us to fight, and that made her think that we do not have a future together. So she said that, even if we love each other, we were both wasting our time being together.

 

I did not agree. I think we would only have been wasting time If we had known that a perfect relationship was waiting for us in the future. This might be the case, but we all know how difficult is to find such a natural and requited love... Last weekend, I went to a friend’s birthday party. She turned 30. My friend and some other girls were complaining about commitement-phobic Tinder guys they use to date, and how difficult it seems to find true love. That talk made me very sad.

 

So I saw no reason to break up with my ex, and that's why I feel so frustrated now. I don’t want to fall out of love with her, and I don’t want her to fall out of love with me. It seems so… unnecessary. And yet I know we have to (and eventually will), since she decided to go back to her country (she even moved her flight earlier, to avoid the “temptation” of staying with me) and start no contact.

 

I had a lot of unrequited loves in my life, and I never had problems to move on. In this case, I’m having quite a difficult time.

 

I would like to have one more chance to fight for this, but there is no option but to suffer, and eventually forget.

 

 

I am really sorry that you're sad. You're in good company.

 

I am turning thirty this Friday. I am sure your friend and her friends of similar ages are all busting to find or right in order to be able to start a family. I am so thankful that I don't want those things. Heartbreak is crappy enough without worrying about having to hurry up and find a guy in a set time frame:lmao:

 

I am also usually averse to longer relationships. I favour variety and feel stifled being confined to one person when u can feel chemistry and the instant ,quickly with more than one. The exception for me was the ex I wrote about on her years ago with whom I was co dependant on due to my life being devoid of purpose.

 

This guy is another exception. But for the right reasons this time. I PREFER being single and love the freedome but he is special and I purely just wanted to enjoy him rather than any desire for a partner per say. He felt the same. Not at all relationship orientated but with us it seemed natural and obvious.

 

I know it is so hard to find that special spark you either feel or you don't. The one that doesn't grow over time. And to have it coupled with emotional depth AND for them to actually reciprocate? Very rare.

 

Most of my instant sparks felt the spark but never felt deeper emotions accompanied with it.

 

Only two had feelings for me and me them. In over a decade or serious dating.

 

I know it seems impossible now but, we will move on. I think we will still feel a bit in love with them while at the same time learning to be okay apart. Only falling equally as hard for a new partner will stop us from feeling in love. I don't believe EVERYONE just stops being in love and loving someone. I think people just learn to live without them.

 

I think the good news is that our in love feelings will definitely be less intense and very manageable. We will stop crying about them. The feelings will become very mild in the sense that they will be dormant and only set off when we think about them or our memories that tear us up.

 

Meeting the next big love our our lives will change this, but not everyone or even many people, end up with a partner who they have the magnetic chemistry with and the in love feelings for AND great compatibility that lasts.

 

Maybe our exes will come back but that isn't something we can count on.

 

Let's just be happy that we got to gel real love and that we aren't stuck in those relationships that settled for each other without the big love.

[Sweetfish]

I will thanks. We both frankly want to be single. We have like... ZERO desire to be in a relationship lol. We both have that outlook right now yet our love has not died and we are still IN love also, although definitely not the same as before the admiration and respect had drastically been cut back:(

 

It is purely our love that made us try and stay together. We have looked at our relationship for some time and said okay this ain't working....lets take a much needed break up and what'll be will be. Neither of us have any desire or attachment for an actual relationship. We didn't prior nor do we now. We did however love the feeling of falling head over heels in love and getting to come home to a best friend.

 

We believe our relationship may be salvageable but honestly, a break up is still a break up. We need time apart. Most couples who break up probably don't get back together so....

 

Drug addicts even the recovering ones who hold a job, are notoriously difficult to live with.

 

Trust me when I say that real love ISNT enough when it comes to addiction.

 

I fcking hate drugs now. I never was one to use them beyond my younger experimental times, but now I am even dead set against even experimenting. They ruin lives. After seeing the less they left my guy in.... a nice guys life, basically ruined. He goes through the motions and the initial high of falling in love made him happy but many recovering addicts never feel that life is worth living without getting high. Even months after using or years after last using.

 

I will never get involved with a recovering addict again.

 

 

If he goes to treatment... a new person will emerge and you will actively seek the man before and he will be gone. You were in love in an instant in time and now you want more and probably want to have a family.... this is exactly why you said you say your 30.. it is a underhanded way of saying... my clock is ticking and i want kids with this guy soon.

 

But you know the drugs gotta go.

 

So your either stuck with the nice boring dudes or the lightening attraction of chaos.

 

Funny how you demand people to share your story in the initial post and left out something so vital.

[ExpatInItaly]

Who initiated the break-up?

[Leigh 87]

If he goes to treatment... a new person will emerge and you will actively seek the man before and he will be gone. You were in love in an instant in time and now you want more and probably want to have a family.... this is exactly why you said you say your 30.. it is a underhanded way of saying... my clock is ticking and i want kids with this guy soon.

 

But you know the drugs gotta go.

 

So your either stuck with the nice boring dudes or the lightening attraction of chaos.

 

Funny how you demand people to share your story in the initial post and left out something so vital.

 

U can feel lightening attraction with decent men that last.

 

I don't want a family. I don't want kids. I wanted to explore it with him, specifically, but it is more to do with true love than me actually wanting kids. It is called a love child;it is when you never otherwise wanted kids but loved someone so much that u couldn't help but want a mini you.

 

Some people are literally only half way maternal. My mum felt the same. They never longed for a family but they loved each other so much that they wanted to create a mini them. They both maintain that they would have been equally as fulfilled and happy without a family. Although of course the love Me a great deal and loved the parent route too.

 

I am exactly like my parents. If I meet the right guy and we have money great, one child is palatable. Def not more than one:sick: But if I meet the love of my life, who isn't an addict, after I am 40 then wi know I will love just as happily SANS kids.

 

It is not a case of boring dudes with no spark or bad boys who you're excited about. I know people who felt the indent fireworks with good dependable men. I will never settle for the sake of having kids lol:sick: I have so many dreams before having a family even enters the picture.

 

Believe it or not, popping out expensive kids and settling for a partner for life with whom u share no real passion for, isn't every 30 year olds cup of tea. I can assure you, that would be a prison sentence for me.

 

I have had loads of decent family orientated men want to date me but didn't waste their time since we know a life of them wouldn't make me happy. The sex was good too. I just didn't feel compelled to want to stop exploring other men. I was far happier single and dating than I was tied down to the prior men who may have been better options than the current addict.

[Leigh 87]

Who initiated the break-up?

 

It is still pending. It is totally mutual.

 

But we are in love so I have not yet loved out. That would make it all final.

 

We aren't ready to never talk again.

 

Don't worry, I am getting there and have more or less mourned the end of the relationship; I am just not ready to say goodbye to his presence in my life for ever.

 

He has done so well to hold down his dream job and better his career(he changed careers and has been very successful at it ) all without treatment. If he can come this far without aaaaany help (he has no family or friends) then imagine how well he could do with help?

 

The thing is....he may be a different person then and not be in love with me anymore right?

 

Seems cruel but maybe if he truly recovered with the aid of help, he will then be too high calibre for a 30!year old podiatry student. He is hot with a decent job so he will prob move on to someone better than me if he got his sht together

[Leigh 87]

We had the initial spark before we even knew about each other's jobs or position in life, so I do hope if he got help and did better than he is currently doing, that he wouldn't then subconsciously think wow I am now able to attract a better quality girl than 7/10 looking (with make up lol) podiatry student.

 

I will def be sticking to no contact when I am ready (in order to avoid seeing him with someone better than me:sick:)

 

Although this man swears he never wants to date again;he thinks it is ME or no one!

 

I want to think our love was genuine and timeless rather than it be a case of "well we are both doing crappy in life so this is why we are attracted to each other "

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, is he willing to seek treatment?

[Leigh 87]

Well, is he willing to seek treatment?

 

I believe once I leave he will do it if he knows that is the only instance whereby I will reconsider reconciliation. He does genuinely wants to get better, I know that much, he just doesn't believe treatment helps.

 

Treatment doesn't always help. It take the right doctor. And they are usually the super expensive ones. Maaaaany treatments don't work and it does take seeking several types of treatments to finally click.

 

I believe he will only seek treatment once I move and cut contact and he has to live without me. Again - he isn't averse to getting better and overcoming his addiction. It is the fact he doesn't believe treatment will help him.

 

When I move I will assume it is finished for good though. I am not loving because I think we'll maybe he will come back. I understand I need to block that out and strictly move because I want to commit to no contact in order to prevent a the likely miserable life I would have with an addict.

 

When I talk about him getting better it is something I hope for him first and foremost above any sort of getting back together.

[Leigh 87]

Well, is he willing to seek treatment?

 

He has said that he would get treatment if it meant not losing me.

 

Although things have since become strained due to how I felt about his addiction and the issues it caused....so now he would let me walk rather than seek treatment since the relationship isn't peachy anymore. He porn wants to be single and without the bullcrap fights

 

When things were blissful he would have sought treatment immediately upon hearing that I would leave if he forgoes treatment.

 

I do think we had something genuine that could be reignited if he sought treatment but honestly I hope I can move on and he also moves on is successful and drug free !

 

Getting back together is coincidental;if we both moved on, felt positive and were in the right space for a relationship after having successfully lived without one another AND the other people we dated lead us back together.

 

I never believe in breaking up and thinking it is okay, we will get back together. It should always be a break up independently of what happens or what you think could happen in the future.

[Sweetfish]

U can feel lightening attraction with decent men that last.

 

I don't want a family. I don't want kids. I wanted to explore it with him, specifically, but it is more to do with true love than me actually wanting kids. It is called a love child;it is when you never otherwise wanted kids but loved someone so much that u couldn't help but want a mini you.

 

Some people are literally only half way maternal. My mum felt the same. They never longed for a family but they loved each other so much that they wanted to create a mini them. They both maintain that they would have been equally as fulfilled and happy without a family. Although of course the love Me a great deal and loved the parent route too.

 

I am exactly like my parents. If I meet the right guy and we have money great, one child is palatable. Def not more than one:sick: But if I meet the love of my life, who isn't an addict, after I am 40 then wi know I will love just as happily SANS kids.

 

It is not a case of boring dudes with no spark or bad boys who you're excited about. I know people who felt the indent fireworks with good dependable men. I will never settle for the sake of having kids lol:sick: I have so many dreams before having a family even enters the picture.

 

Believe it or not, popping out expensive kids and settling for a partner for life with whom u share no real passion for, isn't every 30 year olds cup of tea. I can assure you, that would be a prison sentence for me.

 

I have had loads of decent family orientated men want to date me but didn't waste their time since we know a life of them wouldn't make me happy. The sex was good too. I just didn't feel compelled to want to stop exploring other men. I was far happier single and dating than I was tied down to the prior men who may have been better options than the current addict.

 

Its our biological nature to reproduce.. that is the whole reason people love each other..

 

Even the LG community want children because its in the biology of humans. You have sex to reproduce...

 

The bond to this man is your biological connection because you feel safe with him completely. If you truly love him you would be at his side in his darkest moment., but logically both of you know its not the right kind of love. Its a toxic love and the ups and downs feed the connection. The not knowing the next turn os exciting.

 

You said it... you've slept with a lot of guys... meaning you've been actively searching for a connection.

 

Honesty, i think most of these guys can't tame you.. and once you have the one up.. they are done.

 

This is my opinion..

[Leigh 87]

Its our biological nature to reproduce.. that is the whole reason people love each other..

 

Even the LG community want children because its in the biology of humans. You have sex to reproduce...

 

The bond to this man is your biological connection because you feel safe with him completely. If you truly love him you would be at his side in his darkest moment., but logically both of you know its not the right kind of love. Its a toxic love and the ups and downs feed the connection. The not knowing the next turn os exciting.

 

You said it... you've slept with a lot of guys... meaning you've been actively searching for a connection.

 

Honesty, i think most of these guys can't tame you.. and once you have the one up.. they are done.

 

This is my opinion..

 

Not everyone regrets not having kids. Plenty of people are happier without kids. That is a fact.

 

And most of our relationship was without this drug drama. We fell in love wayyyyyyy before aaaany drama with drugs occurred. Our love was founded and build on stability. Then it got out of control but the love is real, it is not a product of instability.

 

You are talking to someone who knows alllllll about the right and wrong types of love. I know very well that some love is based on instability.

 

I haven't moved out because I want to be there for him. I stood there with him during his darkest moments. He was high and hallucinating. I used the little money I had and booked a hotel room because he wanted to go hide from the world.

 

I had a fcking podiatry exam collage the following day after having to see him and deal with him all fcked up. And I didn't have any inclination to leave him. I knew he wanted to get better and that he chose a life with me and could try and never use again. They ALL TRY to not use without getting help.

 

I risked failing very important exams and spending thousands to repeat the units, in order to hold this guys hand when he was in a positively scary state.

 

Prior to this there had been no outbursts and everything was dreamy. We fell in love based in certainty and stability. It sadly is ending because it isn't so stable with his addiction and urges and the moody person it turns him into.

 

It has taken months and months to make me want him to seek help before I even consider a relationship with him again.