When you still love each other but real love ain't enough

[Leigh 87]

I think our rationalizations are effing things up for us. Our genes just want to recombine and be put into a new individual.

 

No relationship longer than ~1.5y required for this. That covers all the courting, mating and pregnancy.

 

Everything beyond that is exercising massive self control, literally "making it work", you know?

 

If we hadn't this mindset that relationships have to last forever, the frequent and often unexplained break ups would not have this massive impact.

 

Best damn post I have read.

 

I have always secretly felt this way.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, have you moved out? I believe you and your ex will miss each other too much and get back together. We did too but the problems were still there. It takes a few rounds of breaking up before you can be strong enough to finally end it.

 

I wish this were the case.

 

Have been moved out for two nights.

 

He doesn't miss me.

 

He wants to be alone. We did fight a lot these past two weeks.

 

What problems did you have? Care to share a few? I got annoyed about his inability to get his life together also. I mean, I am glad he has a full time job that he loves. Good on him for being a functioning addict. It is twice as hard for them as it is for us.

 

I also blew all my 200k I earned and saved during my 20s on overseas travel. I simply got lucky being an only child who stands to inherit a lovely large flat in a good neighbourhood, fully paid off. Being irresponsible myself and only recently getting my life together, I was okay wi my ex partner also going through the same stage as me;we both want comfortable lives and to start being more responsible.

 

I am studying podiatry and he has his dream job and changed career since meeting me and went after what he wanted.

 

I was ready and willing to start out with no savings and to build them with him. Just small steps, like saving for an emergency vet bill for instance. Or saving for bond money if we ever got kicked out of our rental.

 

I am also saving for a mini house made of shipping crates. No seriously. I have the builder ready on stand by. They actually look quite elaborate and loft style albeit mini for one or two people. I don't believe the average Aussie home is worth 600k AUD. My mini home will be 30k AUD.

 

So I clearly have goals in the intermediate future.

 

Where as he takes life day by day. He knew I was The One for him and the right girl for him very early in apparently but he is not a forward thinker.

 

He just wanted a happy life with me and the dogs.

 

He mentioned that he would like to marry me one day. Our views on marriage match up, as we do not believe in early engagements or weddings for us personally as people change and human beings really aren't made to last together forever behind reproduction. Basically..... we want to spend years together and know it is for real prior to marriage.

 

See- we were utterly in love and super compatible. And now look at us. We are not together. He admitted that at time when he went to get me jewellery as a surprise gift, that he had thoughts of getting a ring...... is fuelled by passion and early stage feelings of a relationship wouldn't suit us as we would feel that things could so easily come undone.

[Leigh 87]

He is still not into me or feeling emotions towards me two days out

 

That is to be expected. We were furious at each other.

 

I also became super clingy due to my abandonment issues. Which he hated lol since he is affectionate enough.

 

Things were really bad so be is much happier without me.

 

Today he said that in a few weeks we can re visit things to see if we want to repair things.

 

We definitely, without hesitation, need time apart.

 

I think he will realise he is no good for a relationship and ...leave it like it is.

 

I am not sure that the love he once felt will come back enough for him to want to be in a committed relationship with me.

 

I don't think he will miss it enough to want it again. Or he would not have let me go to begin with right? Although I have left for a night or two 100 timed before and he never gave up on us. I left due to my aversion to his addiction.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I haven't been round in a bit, and I'm sorry to see things aren't going for you well right now, Leigh.

 

I really wish you would stop making some kind of link between your supposed physical non-perfection and the necessity to settle for less than what you want. But other posters have put forward more detailed, eloquent arguments to the contrary and they clearly haven't swayed you, so nor shall I.

 

Hope you feel better.

[Popsicle]

Leigh, I wish I had the answers but I don't. Time will tell, time will tell.

[Leigh 87]

I am struggling to not call him.

 

How can he just go from having a life together with me, to not even mixing me?

 

We had a life together. We were one of those couples who loved each other a lot.

 

How can he just forget that he had strong feelings for me so easily ?

 

He hasn't reached out.

 

Was so weird not receiving calls or texts. He was always great at keeping in contact.

[Leigh 87]

I haven't been round in a bit, and I'm sorry to see things aren't going for you well right now, Leigh.

 

I really wish you would stop making some kind of link between your supposed physical non-perfection and the necessity to settle for less than what you want. But other posters have put forward more detailed, eloquent arguments to the contrary and they clearly haven't swayed you, so nor shall I.

 

Hope you feel better.

 

Oh I think I am cute looking and I definitely ever have trouble finding men who think I'm very attractive, despite not being a model look alike.

 

I love my hourglass figure and small weights and curves and my smile. I feel confident that I have options.

 

I just wanted him as my option

 

We both really felt that we would grow old together.

 

We felt we had something special relationship wise.

 

We thought we were one of the lucky ones who got their ..... you know, special person that lost relationships lack (the spark and deep love and best friends, always laughing, best sex of our lives, couldn't wait to come home to each other...)

 

Addiction is like other chronic diseases. It can be managed. He was great aside from that and the ensuing moody ness occasionally triggered by the addiction.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's probably doing what we usually advise everyone to do after a break-up: No Contact.

 

It hurts to be on the other side of it, but I highly doubt you would have had a very stable life with this guy. He's not a healthy person himself, and as such, can't really offer you a healthy kind of love.

[Leigh 87]

I wish you would call. I am struggling so hard not to call you so I can hear you.

 

You always did tell me how much you loved my voice. You said I had a beautiful voice. And every week you would make remarks like wow you're looking pretty lately, you seriously keep getting prettier and prettier

 

I feel pathetic. Here wi am, having to go write here in order to make not reaching out to you feel more bearable.

 

While you're sitting there unaffected. Sociopath. Miserable addict.

 

I hope you realise that our life together was happier than a life of drugs. I cannot believe that after our close we were and how ,u had love we shared, you are just done with me and have not even looked back after two days no contact.

 

How do you do it? How can you not be grieving ?

[Leigh 87]

He's probably doing what we usually advise everyone to do after a break-up: No Contact.

 

It hurts to be on the other side of it, but I highly doubt you would have had a very stable life with this guy. He's not a healthy person himself, and as such, can't really offer you a healthy kind of love.

 

We actually had a really joyful life together.

 

We loved each other a lot. He couldn't wait to come home to me.

 

He loved me to the same extent as a non addict.

[Popsicle]

He needs space. Space is good, give him space.

If you smother him, it will be very bad.

Give him space to figure out how he feels, he knows how you feel already.

If he comes back great. If he doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be.

[Popsicle]

I wish you would call. I am struggling so hard not to call you so I can hear you.

 

You always did tell me how much you loved my voice. You said I had a beautiful voice. And every week you would make remarks like wow you're looking pretty lately, you seriously keep getting prettier and prettier

 

I feel pathetic. Here wi am, having to go write here in order to make not reaching out to you feel more bearable.

 

While you're sitting there unaffected. Sociopath. Miserable addict.

 

I hope you realise that our life together was happier than a life of drugs. I cannot believe that after our close we were and how ,u had love we shared, you are just done with me and have not even looked back after two days no contact.

 

How do you do it? How can you not be grieving ?

 

You're making a lot of assumptions about him here. What you need to do is make NO assumptions either way. Don't assume he has to be missing you and don't assume that he's over there feeling nothing. You need to give a blank canvas and let whatever he does in the future paint the canvas for you. This is truly best or else you will try to influence the outcome. Be ready for anything.

[ExpatInItaly]

We actually had a really joyful life together.

 

We loved each other a lot. He couldn't wait to come home to me.

 

He loved me to the same extent as a non addict.

 

Yes, I understand.

 

What I meant is that you won't have that consistently. You will mood swings and verbal abuse, brought on by the drug. You will have relapses and binges, because he's not clean and isn't managing his addiction. That is what is unhealthy and toxic to you.

 

When it came down to it, what did he choose - his drug or you?

 

You already know the answer.

[Leigh 87]

I almost DIED.

 

I just went for my first proper run. In the 40 degree C Aussie summer.

 

I am losing the 20 lbs I gained since I met him fast ish.

 

He helped make me a lot more confident. He was not over the top gushing which I hate, but every week he would tell me that I was l got prettier and prettier. He would tell me my body was hot and that he was happy with what he had. I felt very desirable and good about myself.

 

He was not a bad guy.

 

I feel more confident about myself now than I ever have. Prob cos I do not associate with bullies who would put me and my looks down.

 

It feels upsetting to suddenly not say goodnight or good morning anymore. One week I have a life with him and the dogs and now it is all gone.

[Leigh 87]

Yes, I understand.

 

What I meant is that you won't have that consistently. You will mood swings and verbal abuse, brought on by the drug. You will have relapses and binges, because he's not clean and isn't managing his addiction. That is what is unhealthy and toxic to you.

 

When it came down to it, what did he choose - his drug or you?

 

You already know the answer.

 

 

 

At first he did actually tell me he picked a life with me over a life with drugs. He was very clear with his wishes.

 

I guess when things turned to sht with me and the loving affections lessened and he fell out of love a little towards the end, when I stopped being the light of his life that helped him deal with the cravings,

 

Then he just wasn't strong enough.

 

At one stage he loved me enough to pick me over drugs.

 

Yes I know, he no longer does.

 

He said with his ex, his last girlfriend several years ago, he regretted his decision and begged for her back a month or two later. She had already moved on.

 

With me, he claimed that I was the love of his life, and it felt a lot more with me than it ever did before and he fell fast and remained that way (Until it all went to sh*t of course:lmao:)

 

So he went back to her and missed her heaps yet as usual Leigh 87 has an ex that doesn't come back.

 

I knew all the rest were not the Ones from day one and did not want them to come back but I have to say, I am upset he didn't do anything to make it work.

 

There is a point where he said he would do ANYTHING for me, to have a life with me, even seek professional help for his addiction.

 

He already wanted to be clean for himself, he just assumed he could recover and stay away from the drug on his own, with a happy life with me.

 

I could have really helped him, I feel awful.

[Popsicle]

I am at peace with the breakup my ex and I had. At peace in the sense that I have accepted it as something that had to happen. It's standard knowledge that an addict needs at least a year of being alone and not in a relationship in order to become strong in their sobriety. They need to focus on that and it's a daily struggle. They need to become "solid" before they can even take on a relationship. Everything he said to you before, Leigh, about choosing you over drugs was nonsense. He didn't know what he was saying. (my ex said this stuff too). His sobriety is not your responsibility, plus he needs to want it and do it on his own.

[Been]

You move waaay too fast. Your young so you'll eventually learn.

[Leigh 87]

I am at peace with the breakup my ex and I had. At peace in the sense that I have accepted it as something that had to happen. It's standard knowledge that an addict needs at least a year of being alone and not in a relationship in order to become strong in their sobriety. They need to focus on that and it's a daily struggle. They need to become "solid" before they can even take on a relationship. Everything he said to you before, Leigh, about choosing you over drugs was nonsense. He didn't know what he was saying. (my ex said this stuff too). His sobriety is not your responsibility, plus he needs to want it and do it on his own.

 

He does want to be sober on his own.

 

He was sober for over a year and a half prior to us meeting.

[Leigh 87]

We spoke on social media and we mirror each other right now.

 

We are both in love, feel we are very compatible but our own personal issues (I have a mental health condition and abandonment issues) and his addiction, made us have arguments in the end.

 

We feel WE are good together, but our issues hamper us from having ANY relationship for a prolonged period without causing some drama at some stage; in his case, it is relapsing as he did whilst with me. For me, I act badly also when I feel irrationally insecure.

 

He says he is hopeful, cannot imagine ever thinking of another woman the way he did with me and I am hopeful too. We miss each other but know being alone for now is for the best.

[Leigh 87]

We are back together.

 

He contacted me and promised to get help in overcoming his addiction.

 

What I have with him feels so perfect and unlike anything I have experienced with prior lovers.

 

You all think it is easier to go find a guy who isn't an addict .... but I am not the type of person who can ever enjoy a relationship with anything less than AMAZING sparks and chemistry, where everything just clicks and flows.

 

With him, we laugh constantly and 90%of our time is spent being silly and joking around. We also have the same life goals.

 

I don't care how likely you think it is that I will find someone else who will make me happier. I know that I WILL NEVER find someone who makes me laugh a lot, is a best friend to me, is loyal, is compatible and with dynamite chemistry and white hot attraction that does not waver after living together or the initial euphoria of firsts meeting dissipates.

 

I have it all with him and it is true love.

 

Getting the super intense feelings for a highly compatible partner is so rare.

 

Whether you care to admit this or not.. MOST people settle in one area. You all can't honestly tell me that you got the 10/10 chemistry and the magic feeling that comes along with it (the touch of their skin is electrifying) AND very high compatibility with someone who is also your best friend.

 

We all pick and choose what criteria we settle without. For instance, all of you feel happier not taking the inherent risk of dating the addicts (even the ones who remain clean) and instead, you either miss out on the instant fireworks and white hot chemical Hugh and the intense feelings that are Bournemouth along with it, or you bypass total compatibility. Although you are all sensible so I venture to guess you all picked 10/10 comparability with moderate to mild chemistry. Perhaps some of you bypassed the infatuation stage and have good but not out of this world sex.

 

Most of us have one or two bad things about your partners that ain't perfect.

 

By boyfriend being an addict is his. I have good faith that he can lead a productive life with very few relapses alongside the right help.

 

He never had nor I believe ever will turn into a junkie on the street. He hasn't yet in the ensuing years since he first became dependent and then addicted.

 

 

 

 

 

Basically, our time on earth is limited and we never know when our number is up. It is always how I have chosen to live and as a result, have travelled overseas every year of my adult life rather than getting a mortgage on some average Aussie home that is not worth the price tags.

 

It is in my nature to go after what brings me the most joy, rather then sacrifice true happiness in order to be sensible and do the right things that normal people value and hold in higher regard.

 

He is the first love of my life, do being with him is spending my time wisely as far as I am concerned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It will still be worth it even if he turns into an active addict and I end up leaving him due to him becoming destitute and refusing to seek help.

 

They say the most intense chemistry never lasts because it is built on disfuniton isnce we are subconsciously the most drawn to people that resemble our dad or parent figure, in order for us to far live our past traumas qnd fix it.

 

It just so happens that this intensity of feelings is also accompanied by true love and high compatibility.

 

If this man commits to staying clean, we could have the holy grail of the highest passion AND compatibility in the one partner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever anyone claims, I know I won't find this sort of intense connection again with a best friend. And I'll never feel the desire to be in a relationship without it.

 

 

 

 

 

Even if my time was numbered with this guy it is still worth spending more time with him. That is how good being with him feels.

 

 

 

 

 

Cue the folks who will assume the worst and qssume he will become destitute and homeless since he is an addict.

[ExpatInItaly]

You don't need to convince anyone here of your decision or prove anything to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

 

The most important conversation you will have about this reconciliation is not the one on an online forum...but the one you have with yourself.

 

So ask yourself, who are you really trying to convince - us or you?

 

I do wish you luck moving forward. Be careful, and don't ever neglect common sense and your own well-being in the name of chemistry or sparks.

[NuevoYorko]

So I know two couples, my parents and a friend of mine, who found the magic. ALL the other couples settled by my standards.

I have compassion for what you're going through because breakups are painful, but PLEASE. You don't know anything about "true love" besides your own personal experience, which is fine, but you have no place putting judgements and labels on other peoples' relationships.

No Go - the addiction part is moot sorry - I can accept an addict if they hold down a full time job and get help, and stay productive and functional. He was crazy about me mostly, smitten and was affectionate. He was only withdrawn when things started going to sht with us as a couple. Of course I would rather not date an addict but if everything is is PERFECT for me, which he was, I can overlook it.

 

Well ... the only issue you have consistently brought up about your relationship is his addiction, so evidently it isn't so moot.

 

Whether you choose to listen to and believe this or not: Addicts cannot love, because their first and foremost need is ALWAYS to feed their addiction. If they are not consciously working on staying clean and sober, they are fighting their addiction every moment. Some call this "white knuckling." They are struggling to stay off of whatever substance or behavior to which they're addicted; that struggle consumes their life and overcomes their personality and ability to be a partner or a friend. Finally they will capitulate to their urges, which is usually followed by self hatred, which involves lashing out at others and / or isolating. The whole cycle resumes again.

 

Many of us were or are in relationships with "functioning" addicts and alcoholics; people who hold down jobs and manage to pay the bills. The relationships are miserable. Using addicts can't do healthy interpersonal relationships.

 

I gather your ex bf is a truck driver? I don't know about in AU, but in the US there are random drug tests; it would not be long before a using operator would lose his license. Worse, a high person (I'm assuming he's on methamphetamines, is this right? But it really doesn't matter)driving a truck or operating other machinery is a tremendous danger to other people. He's a terrible accident waiting to happen.

 

Anyway, the bottom line of my point is that you have mentioned his being an addict and NOTHING else as the cause of your break up, so it's disingenuous for you to keep insisting that it's not a thing as long as he had a job.

 

Off the subject, but why are you leaving your dogs behind?

[No_Go]

Leigh, how many times have you been broken up in the past months? From your posts, I remember at least 3. On-off relationships are very disfunctional, ask any therapist.

 

Addicts need at least an year to be sober before engaging into relationships, actually you're doing him a bad favor - you're enabling his behavior/addiction by being with him.

 

If you really love him - let him go for now, let him go through treatment, whatever time it takes (an year is the minimum from what I've read... but that's up to the doctors). And THEN, when he's fully recovered - you can try to have a healthy relationship together.

 

Now you're just repeating the on-off cycle.

[Blanco]

My father, who's no longer alive, was the kind of guy everyone seemed to love. As a kid, it seemed like everywhere we went, he was either seeing someone he knew or striking up conversations with total strangers. He was a charmer. He had almost nothing, but always seemed to know someone who had access to things we could experience and enjoy together: Boats, planes, lavish pools, etc. He was also a hopeless alcoholic.

 

That addiction strained and broke countless things in his life: His marriage to my mother. Numerous jobs. Friendships. Family ties. My mom has told me many times that he was perfect for her aside from the drinking. But, like most people who are co-dependent with an addict, it eventually wore her down. She divorced him. But, like many relationships involving an addict, it wasn't quite over. He wooed her again, promised change; sobriety. Thing about addicts are, they really aren't the ones calling the shots. My parents eventually remarried, but it was only a matter of time before the problems stemming from addiction re-emerged.

 

I say all of this not to air dirty laundry, but to pass along a real-life example of what is often all too typical of co-existing with an addict.

[Popsicle]

Addicts need at least an year to be sober before engaging into relationships

 

I agree. There is one relationship therapist I listen to on the radio who says 5 YEARS. This makes logical sense.