lovesick1 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Hi, I am a 27 y/o male engaged to a 24 y/o female and I experience severe, debilitating relationship anxiety. It is to the point where I don't sleep right, I am completely irregular, I get painful knots throughout my stomach, and I am often very hostile and nagging as a result. We live together and are to be married in 3 months. Last night she was out of town and is returning today. It was the first night in two weeks I've awoken refreshed after a full night's rest, had regular bowel movements, and felt at peace. The woman I am with is very loving, giving, and vulnerable. I read that anxiety can incur as a result of a feeling of emotional indebtedness, and I should practice gratitude. So I have, deliberately, sat down and meditated over why I am grateful for my partner. This is a very difficult thing for me to do, because when I think of her I am suffocated by feelings of anxiety. We met a little over a year ago, and before this I felt fully in charge of my life. I had a growing business, the support of community, a strong work ethic, regular sleep patterns, many positive habits, and more. When we met I fell hard for her. We had a very powerful intellectual and sexual connection. Yet, slowly at first, then faster and faster, my work completely fell apart. I put all my focus into the relationship on the basis of the belief that God was calling me to love this woman. As a result, I now live at home while my parents are in England until March, with a 400% cut in pay ($40/hour down to $9), waiting for us to get marred in April. I think it's very clear where the anxiety comes from. My life has been completely upended and reoriented on the basis of the belief that God wants me to love her. Yet the process has caused so much stomach-twisting anxiety that I have 3 times since our engagement expressed major doubts about moving forward. Each time we have paused for a bit, the feelings subsided, I felt renewed in my commitment, and slowly the anxiety returned. My parents tell me to listen to my gut, and if I feel this way I shouldn't have to feel as if I must marry. In fact, they strongly caution against it as my dad divorced a woman with whom he also experienced similar anxiety before they married. Can anyone relate to this or offer advice? Link to post Share on other sites
samantha_t85 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Hi, I am a 27 y/o male engaged to a 24 y/o female and I experience severe, debilitating relationship anxiety. It is to the point where I don't sleep right, I am completely irregular, I get painful knots throughout my stomach, and I am often very hostile and nagging as a result. We live together and are to be married in 3 months. Last night she was out of town and is returning today. It was the first night in two weeks I've awoken refreshed after a full night's rest, had regular bowel movements, and felt at peace. The woman I am with is very loving, giving, and vulnerable. I read that anxiety can incur as a result of a feeling of emotional indebtedness, and I should practice gratitude. So I have, deliberately, sat down and meditated over why I am grateful for my partner. This is a very difficult thing for me to do, because when I think of her I am suffocated by feelings of anxiety. We met a little over a year ago, and before this I felt fully in charge of my life. I had a growing business, the support of community, a strong work ethic, regular sleep patterns, many positive habits, and more. When we met I fell hard for her. We had a very powerful intellectual and sexual connection. Yet, slowly at first, then faster and faster, my work completely fell apart. I put all my focus into the relationship on the basis of the belief that God was calling me to love this woman. As a result, I now live at home while my parents are in England until March, with a 400% cut in pay ($40/hour down to $9), waiting for us to get marred in April. I think it's very clear where the anxiety comes from. My life has been completely upended and reoriented on the basis of the belief that God wants me to love her. Yet the process has caused so much stomach-twisting anxiety that I have 3 times since our engagement expressed major doubts about moving forward. Each time we have paused for a bit, the feelings subsided, I felt renewed in my commitment, and slowly the anxiety returned. My parents tell me to listen to my gut, and if I feel this way I shouldn't have to feel as if I must marry. In fact, they strongly caution against it as my dad divorced a woman with whom he also experienced similar anxiety before they married. Can anyone relate to this or offer advice? I'm sorry, I'm finding this very difficult to understand. What are you anxious about? That she is going to leave you, or cheat on you? That your marriage will eventually fail? Is this an anxiety rooted in an actual event or thing that she said, or a negative interaction that occurred between you? What is your relationship like otherwise? You haven't provided us with any background. I'm sorry to say that you do not sound even remotely ready for marriage. No relationship should completely sink every other facet of your personal and professional life. On the contrary; if anything, it should strengthen them. But I think more detail and clarity is needed here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesick1 Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 The relationship is very stressed. We live together out of financial necessity, we spend vast amounts of time together and have few friends, we decided to get married as doing so was the only way we could be together that supported our moral views. Yet making that decision has caused me to feel plagued with anxiety. I don't think about us being married, I just assume it is right. She couldn't be more certain of the decision, which is partly why I question it so little. I only feel better when the commitment has been removed. Link to post Share on other sites
samantha_t85 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 The relationship is very stressed. We live together out of financial necessity, we spend vast amounts of time together and have few friends, we decided to get married as doing so was the only way we could be together that supported our moral views. Yet making that decision has caused me to feel plagued with anxiety. I don't think about us being married, I just assume it is right. She couldn't be more certain of the decision, which is partly why I question it so little. I only feel better when the commitment has been removed. You just assume it is right? Why? You seem to be one of those people who thinks things just happen rather than realizing you have a modicum of control over your destiny. I think you know this is a horrible idea. You're not in an emotional place to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 You need therapy before you decide to marry or not marry. As I understand your post, you were doing well in life when you met this woman and then you decided to make her the center of the universe while letting the rest of your life go to hell under the misguided belief that God was telling you to mess up your life for the sake of having this woman. That is all your doing and you need to figure out why you can't have a healthy balanced life that includes work, social life and romantic life. Everyone who works has people in their lives whom they love, spouses, children, family. That's no reason to not be successful at your job. As a matter of fact having loved ones is usually be a huge incentive to work hard so that we don't disappoint or become burdensome to our families. Postpone the wedding, focus on getting counselling and finding gainful employment. Let your gf know that before you can marry you need to sort out your problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I think it's very clear where the anxiety comes from. Yes. Despite your efforts to blame the relationship, the anxiety comes from you. Man up and end your engagement to this young lady, even if this is the right girl for you, you're in no position or condition to commit to marrying her or anyone else. Most people find the process of engagement and matrimony to be joyful and affirming. More distressing than your anxiety is the sense you feel powerless to make major decisions affecting your own future. This is something that needs to be addressed in counseling... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesick1 Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 I called off the marriage this morning. I'm certainly not one of those people who thinks things just happen to people, I know you have to make everything happen. We've actually been getting counseling for over a month now. Whenever I mention the anxiety I'm told it's because of my unwillingness to commit, and that if I commit the anxiety will subside. Well, I did, and it's only grown worse. I know that I have to get back in control of my life again. I know the anxiety is a result of feeling no control, and I feel no control because I sacrificed the entire life I had worked for for another. We simply didn't have any other options and we were both that committed to making it work with us Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Are you still talking to your ex-girlfriend? Do you think she may be the cause of your anxiety? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesick1 Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 Are you still talking to your ex-girlfriend? Do you think she may be the cause of your anxiety? No. I cut off any and all communication with her. She has hardly crossed my mind at all. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Maybe if you explained why you had to 'sacrifice everything' to be with her we would understand & be able to help more. Why couldn't you work & be with her? Link to post Share on other sites
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