Newly Divorced, issues with visitation for kids

[Lilyana76]

I have a big issue with my ex hub.

 

I have 3 kids with him, we were married 20 years. Since we split up 10 months ago and went through our divorce, he has been homeless. He has no where to take the kids for a weekend visit or any thing else. He claims he can't afford to get anything because he pays too much in child support (whatever )

 

Anyway... Since we split I have been VERY nice, probably too nice. I let him into my home everyday to see the kids. He has taken advantage of this to the extreme. He has stolen my house key ( one of my kids' keys) and let himself in when the kids and I aren't home, he has snooped through my computer and taken pictures of messeges on my facebook account, why I don't know since there isn't anything that interesting on there. He eats my food, uses my shower and sometimes his dirty clothes ends up mixed with my kids clothes and I end up washing it.

 

I have told him he can not come to my home any more, and he always says, "you can't keep me away from my kids", I tell him i'm not keeping him away from them and tell him he can just have them on normal scheduled visits and he throws a tantrum about how he can not afford his own place. He will stop coming by when I'm home for awhile, but he will come over if I'm at work at the kids are home. And of course the kids will let him in, its their dad.

 

What do I do? I need space from him, I need him to grow up and accept responsibility. My friends are telling me to get a protection order, but he isn't physically violent, so not sure thats possible. Plus, I really don't want my kids to think I'm keeping them from their dad if I have to take steps like that.

[stillafool]

Changing the locks is the only solution. Good luck!

[Lilyana76]

Ok, maybe I should have clarified my question better. I have obviously changed the locks and not given anyone a key.

 

My question is, how do I get him to accept boundaries? How can I get him to understand that yes, our kids live here, but this is MY home and not his to come in and do as he pleases? How do I get him to stop snooping through my things?

[stillafool]

Since you have told him this and he won't abide I would talk to an attorney at this point. Maybe legal action will get through to him. If you have changed the locks why do you continue to let him in your house. This is as much your fault as his.

[Miss Peach]

This is something I would email my attorney over or call your local police non-emergency number to get advice on. I know you don't want to get him in trouble but feeling some ramifications might be the only way to enforce it.

[foxgener]

I have a big issue with my ex hub.

 

I have 3 kids with him, we were married 20 years. Since we split up 10 months ago and went through our divorce, he has been homeless. He has no where to take the kids for a weekend visit or any thing else. He claims he can't afford to get anything because he pays too much in child support (whatever )

 

Anyway... Since we split I have been VERY nice, probably too nice. I let him into my home everyday to see the kids. He has taken advantage of this to the extreme. He has stolen my house key ( one of my kids' keys) and let himself in when the kids and I aren't home, he has snooped through my computer and taken pictures of messeges on my facebook account, why I don't know since there isn't anything that interesting on there. He eats my food, uses my shower and sometimes his dirty clothes ends up mixed with my kids clothes and I end up washing it.

 

I have told him he can not come to my home any more, and he always says, "you can't keep me away from my kids", I tell him i'm not keeping him away from them and tell him he can just have them on normal scheduled visits and he throws a tantrum about how he can not afford his own place. He will stop coming by when I'm home for awhile, but he will come over if I'm at work at the kids are home. And of course the kids will let him in, its their dad.

 

What do I do? I need space from him, I need him to grow up and accept responsibility. My friends are telling me to get a protection order, but he isn't physically violent, so not sure thats possible. Plus, I really don't want my kids to think I'm keeping them from their dad if I have to take steps like that.

 

 

He is homeless? And you want to get a protection order? Very destructive. Not just to your dynamic but also to your kids.

[foxgener]

Ok, maybe I should have clarified my question better. I have obviously changed the locks and not given anyone a key.

 

My question is, how do I get him to accept boundaries? How can I get him to understand that yes, our kids live here, but this is MY home and not his to come in and do as he pleases? How do I get him to stop snooping through my things?

 

Have the kids see their dad at grandma/grandpa maybe.

[Lilyana76]

I don't want to get a protection order because I don't want to end up hurting my kids in this situation.... my friends have suggested it though.

 

I wish the grandparent idea was one that would work, but they all live in a different state, so it would be very hard to do.

 

He came over again last night after I left for work. I hate when he's here because I never know how much he snooped through or what he stole this time. This is MY home, I shouldn't feel that my things are not safe. I just don't know how to get him to understand the boundries.

[fireflywy]

When you say it's your home, could you elaborate a bit more? Was it the marriage dwelling? Did you purchase it? Was it given to you in divorce? Or do you still jointly own and you call it "yours" because he let you stay there?

 

Some of these things will help you sort how you deal qith him legally or maybe how he views and frames things.

[Lilyana76]

Can you give info on how he's getting in? How old are your kids?

 

Who is in charge when you're at work?

 

My 14 year old daughter watches her little brothers while I'm at work, after they get home from school.

 

You will HAVE to get a protective order if you want him staying out of the home! Do that!!!

 

Why are you being his willing victim? Take action!

 

Mostly I haven't taken action because I don't want it to feel like I'm not letting the kids see their dad, I don't want my kids to be punished because he doesn't understand bounderies.

 

Can you answer questions asked if you in this thread? We need info from you to help you.

 

Have the police drop by and ask for info on what you can do. Then do what they suggest.

 

The home we live in now is mine, its my apartment with my name on the lease only. We lived in a home together but when we split he couldn't afford it on his own, nor could I. So it was sold, and now the kids and I live in a 3 bedroom apartment.

[whichwayisup]

Ok, maybe I should have clarified my question better. I have obviously changed the locks and not given anyone a key.

 

My question is, how do I get him to accept boundaries? How can I get him to understand that yes, our kids live here, but this is MY home and not his to come in and do as he pleases? How do I get him to stop snooping through my things?

 

Get the lawyers involved. Look you're a great person and kind, allowing him to spend time with the kids since he has no home to bring them to, it's great you let him into yours. He's been a dick and taken advantage, been nosy and went behind your back to sneak into your house after stealing the key. That's not cool at all. He needs his own place!

 

Doesn't he have a sister or brother, a good friend or another family member he can live with? Or rent a room? You two are divorced and he's not your problem anymore.

 

DO NOT allow him in the house anymore. Number one rule, he can pick the kids up and take them to a movie.

[whichwayisup]

I don't want to get a protection order because I don't want to end up hurting my kids in this situation.... my friends have suggested it though.

 

I wish the grandparent idea was one that would work, but they all live in a different state, so it would be very hard to do.

 

He came over again last night after I left for work. I hate when he's here because I never know how much he snooped through or what he stole this time. This is MY home, I shouldn't feel that my things are not safe. I just don't know how to get him to understand the boundries.

 

You don't have to order a PO against him, just talk to your lawyer and set up new rules with visitation. This isn't about hurting your kids, it's about him respecting, understanding YOUR boundaries. He is hurting them by his own actions (taking their keys/stealing in their home and then breaking in by using a key when no one is home!). Tell him NOT to come over anymore, be firm. NO more miss nice woman. He doesn't deserve to be trusted until he can prove he can be a good father and stay out of your personal life, let alone your home.

[standtall]

He claims he can't afford to get anything because he pays too much in child support (whatever )

 

 

That says a lot about what you think about this whole thing.... the rest is just fluff. Reveling in the fact that he is homeless, and if the kids suffer from it is ok with you. shame.

[mikeylo]

If the house was sold and money was split, where did hd use that money ? If you could buy a 3 bedroom apartment, then he too could buy atleast 2 bedroom apartment. Hd is probably stashing away money and using it as an excuse to keep coming back.

 

He knows that for the kids sake, you will let him in. Speak to your kids. They are smarter than we think.

[Lilyana76]

He finally found an apartment. So Yesterday I called him to tell him that he can no longer come to my home to see the kids, and he can start his regularly scheduled visitations.

 

He threw a fit, about how he wants to come to my place to see the children because his place is too small for all three kids. I stood firm and told him I can not trust him in my home so he isn't allowed here.

 

After our conversation he then text messaged our daughter and told her, "Your mom doesn't want me to see you guys anymore"

 

I was livid, and called him to scream at him. Now he's going to try and pit the kids against me to see if he can get his way. After a few minutes of arguing he said he had a "right to be here to see what men I'm bringing in and out of my home around his kids."

 

Long story short he confessed the reason he hangs around all the time is because he doesn't want me to move on. He wants to make sure I'm available for him if he decides he wants to come back... wtf?! It will NEVER happen.

 

I am beyond irritated, and just over his crap....

[stillafool]

Well too bad for him. He doesn't get to dictate your life. Stick to your guns and make him take the kids out for visitation.

[Simple Logic]

He does have the right to see his kids per the visitation order. That order does not allow him to enter your home. Call the police and make a report. Have the police issue him a criminal trespass notice. It is a notice that documents he has been warned not to enter your home and he will be arrested if he does. In most states trespassing is a misdemeanor, but the court will straighten him out.

 

I have a big issue with my ex hub.

 

I have 3 kids with him, we were married 20 years. Since we split up 10 months ago and went through our divorce, he has been homeless. He has no where to take the kids for a weekend visit or any thing else. He claims he can't afford to get anything because he pays too much in child support (whatever )

 

Anyway... Since we split I have been VERY nice, probably too nice. I let him into my home everyday to see the kids. He has taken advantage of this to the extreme. He has stolen my house key ( one of my kids' keys) and let himself in when the kids and I aren't home, he has snooped through my computer and taken pictures of messeges on my facebook account, why I don't know since there isn't anything that interesting on there. He eats my food, uses my shower and sometimes his dirty clothes ends up mixed with my kids clothes and I end up washing it.

 

I have told him he can not come to my home any more, and he always says, "you can't keep me away from my kids", I tell him i'm not keeping him away from them and tell him he can just have them on normal scheduled visits and he throws a tantrum about how he can not afford his own place. He will stop coming by when I'm home for awhile, but he will come over if I'm at work at the kids are home. And of course the kids will let him in, its their dad.

 

What do I do? I need space from him, I need him to grow up and accept responsibility. My friends are telling me to get a protection order, but he isn't physically violent, so not sure thats possible. Plus, I really don't want my kids to think I'm keeping them from their dad if I have to take steps like that.

Edited January 13, 2017 by Simple Logic

[40somethingGuy]

Ok, maybe I should have clarified my question better. I have obviously changed the locks and not given anyone a key.

 

My question is, how do I get him to accept boundaries? How can I get him to understand that yes, our kids live here, but this is MY home and not his to come in and do as he pleases? How do I get him to stop snooping through my things?

 

Cut him slack on child support so he can have a respectable apartment. Do you really want his/your kids to see him homeless?

[mikeylo]

Cut him slack on child support so he can have a respectable apartment. Do you really want his/your kids to see him homeless?

 

Disagree. Don't EVER volunteer to cut down on child support. Worst possible move. There is no guarantee that he will use the money to find a better apartment. A divorced person doesn't usually have best interest in mind, especially when they feel that they are losing control on ex.

 

OP, he wants to harass you and keep you upset. Good luck.

[mightycpa]

The home we live in now is mine, its my apartment with my name on the lease only. We lived in a home together but when we split he couldn't afford it on his own, nor could I. So it was sold, and now the kids and I live in a 3 bedroom apartment.

I don't really understand this. Your ex doesn't have either a rent or a mortgage, or utility bills or furniture expenses or much of anything else, to hear you tell it. You've moved into an apartment which presumably costs less. There should be MORE money, not less.

 

So the only new expense is child support, so if he can't find a place to live on whatever remains, you must either be taking a boatload or money every month, or, his income has dwindled dramatically, or he's hoarding cash.

 

I don't get it.

[Lilyana76]

Quite honestly I have no idea what he does with his money, I am not getting a huge amount from him for child support (about a quarter of his checks biweekly). I know he has had five girlfriends since we split, and I know occasionally he will rent hotel rooms for him and his current girlfriend to spend the night together in. His current girlfriend is married so they can't go to her place obviously.

 

I figure it's not my problem what he does with his money, but my problem is how it effects my kids. I'm not ok with him being homeless, but if he can't grow up and be responsible how is that my fault?

[MJJean]

Tell your children he isn't allowed in your home and why. Make sure they understand that you want them to see their father, but that is is inappropriate for him to come into your home because he does not respect your privacy as a single adult. Then have your lawyer draft a letter warning him that any further trespassing will result in a call to the police and a RO.

 

He won't respect your boundaries until you enforce them and, frankly, his behavior makes me wonder if he is mentally stable. You need to actually DO something real about his behavior before it escalates and you need to keep the kids in the loop so that they aren't so easily manipulated by him.

[winterblossom]

A divorced person doesn't usually have best interest in mind, especially when they feel that they are losing control on ex.

 

Totally agree.

 

My ex is already pretty good, compared to many horror stories I read. But even he went the level of using children to punish me.

 

He used to badmouth me in front of children (not anymore), and attempted to keep children away from me forever. He is generally a good person, but his dishonest and manipulative character still is there. I am still wishing he can change...

[Lilyana76]

Just had a conversation with the ex. He has an apartment now finally. So I asked him if he wanted to start his weekend visits next weekend.

 

His response?

 

"No there is nothing for them to do at my place"

 

ummmm....so do you want to see them at all?

 

I'm thinking he doesn't even care about seeing his kids, hes posting on Facebook about how depressed he is after i told him he can't come to my place anymore, telling everyone that I am not allowing him to see his kids. But yet when I offer them for his visitation he declines.

 

Hes just upset because he can't control and manipulate me anymore in my own place.

 

I'm so angry I could spit! The kids are going to remember this. How do i explain his behavior to them without making him sound like the idiot hes behaving like?

[MJJean]

It's not your job to make him look good. Tell them the truth. Let them now that you offered visitation at his apartment, as is common after divorce, and he declined.