40 something and new to dating! AHHH

[Lilyana76]

I'm recently divorced, 40 years old, and entering the dating world for the first time in my life really.

 

I tried the online dating site. And that was just OKstupid. I don't mind that the pictures and the faces sometimes don't match... what bothered me was how many were there just for hookups! Or how many were already in a relationship and just looking for someone on the side. So, I stopped the online dating thing, figured if it were meant to happen I would find someone.....

 

I'm lonely, a lot of the time. I miss having someone to cuddle with, or just to be close to. I'm not talking about just sex (although yes, i miss that too.)

 

How do you reintegrate yourself into the dating world, short of a neon flashing sign over your head that blinks *SINGLE*? And please don't suggest I go back and try online dating, I don't think I have the stomach for it again.

[smackie9]

I get it, dating in mid life can be daunting...you are not there to play games.

 

Start going out dancing with your girlie friends, have them introduce you to single male friends, go to parties or events, take some yoga classes or go to the gym and meet someone there. Just go out and start having fun again. Don't give up on OLD, maybe try dating sites for more mature type people like yourself. POF or Tinder is just garbage because it's free....so aholes will use it to their advantage.

[winny]

OKStupid .. ROTFL

[winny]

Lately I have started to feel that online or in real life -- people are just degrading their values in an exponential speed.... it is so hard to find good values and character.... I am on a break from dating myself.... I needed to just get my mental peace back. And when I think of all the fun a guy can bring to your life and compare it with all the pain that may come... am like... I am totally fine alone... ha ha ha ha

[Miss Peach]

I have better luck on the free sites than the paid myself so I don't see the point of using the paid ones.

 

I've met my last few BFs through meetup groups though. I just attended events I enjoyed, talked to people, and men asked me out. I got more dates through OLD but I found more BFs through IRL.

 

The one thing I'll mention is that when I am partnered (and especially when I was recently divorced), I seem to put out a vibe that men pick up on and I don't get as much attention as when I'm single. Not sure if it's my body language, I'm more flirty, or what. But if you aren't putting that vibe out there you'll want to work on that too.

[alphamale]

How do you reintegrate yourself into the dating world,

 

try meetup.com

[BluEyeL]

I'm recently divorced, 40 years old, and entering the dating world for the first time in my life really.

 

I tried the online dating site. And that was just OKstupid. I don't mind that the pictures and the faces sometimes don't match... what bothered me was how many were there just for hookups! Or how many were already in a relationship and just looking for someone on the side. So, I stopped the online dating thing, figured if it were meant to happen I would find someone.....

 

I'm lonely, a lot of the time. I miss having someone to cuddle with, or just to be close to. I'm not talking about just sex (although yes, i miss that too.)

 

How do you reintegrate yourself into the dating world, short of a neon flashing sign over your head that blinks *SINGLE*? And please don't suggest I go back and try online dating, I don't think I have the stomach for it again.

If you go to my profile and read my first message here, I was saying the exact same words. Over 40 and dating for the first time in my life, really, my ex and I met when we were 18 yo.

 

So, i'll be 45 in a week and I'm getting remarried in July, insanely happy. Online dating, match.com. If you reject online dating at your age, it's not wise. If you have a goal, do whatever it takes that's how you'll be successful. if you don't have the stomach for it, it's understandable but you'll stay single longer. Read some books, learn a few things, get some experience and you'll be good.

 

Another option is meetup. I did it all!! Meetup, online dating, speed dating, everything. But only paid sites were fine for me. I only did OKStupid for 3 days though, too dirty for me. I met my FI on match.com. I also had a dating coach, after trying on my own for 1 year. If I met my FI in my first year of dating, I would have rejected him because I was stupid and I didn't know what I was doing.

 

first step: work on yourself. Go to therapy, read books, make sure you know what matters in a partner and go for it!

 

Good luck!

[winny]

If you go to my profile and read my first message here, I was saying the exact same words. Over 40 and dating for the first time in my life, really, my ex and I met when we were 18 yo.

 

So, i'll be 45 in a week and I'm getting remarried in July, insanely happy. Online dating, match.com. If you reject online dating at your age, it's not wise. If you have a goal, do whatever it takes that's how you'll be successful. if you don't have the stomach for it, it's understandable but you'll stay single longer. Read some books, learn a few things, get some experience and you'll be good.

 

Another option is meetup. I did it all!! Meetup, online dating, speed dating, everything. But only paid sites were fine for me. I only did OKStupid for 3 days though, too dirty for me. I met my FI on match.com. I also had a dating coach, after trying on my own for 1 year. If I met my FI in my first year of dating, I would have rejected him because I was stupid and I didn't know what I was doing.

 

first step: work on yourself. Go to therapy, read books, make sure you know what matters in a partner and go for it!

 

Good luck!

 

I am 29 but your words motivate me Thanks!

[Gaeta]

I ended up in your situation at 45. I had married my first boyfriend that I met at 17 so imagine how much I knew NOTHING about dating. It's my 20 year old daughter who had to explain the basic to me like if a man does not call back it's because he's not interested.

 

It was not easy. I learn each dating lesson the hard way but I wouldn't change it. As they say the journey to your destination is as important as the destination itself. Believe it or not you have a lot to learn about yourself and dating and online will teach you that at the speed of light.

 

Whether you like it or not in 2017 about 75% of singles have a profile on a dating site. If you reject this option you're going to search in the remaining 25% spread around in meet-ups, and karaoke nights. Good luck with that.

 

What recently single means? Are you ready to date or you're just looking to fill a void?

 

Anyway, yes online is full of people that are looking to hook-up, full of liars, cheaters, and opportunists of all sorts. There are also good people genuine in their search. I met my bf 1 year ago on Badoo of all places. My brother met his wife on a dating site and pretty much all of my friends have met their spouses or bf/gf online. Geez I even met my best female friend on a dating site lol. I was looking at my competition and asked this woman if it was just me or we had no choices of men! She replied, it was 5 years ago and we've been friends ever since and met each other's family, travel together etc etc.. So no, there aren't only bad things online.

[heyyourself]

I'm recently divorced, 40 years old, and entering the dating world for the first time in my life really.

 

I tried the online dating site. And that was just OKstupid. I don't mind that the pictures and the faces sometimes don't match... what bothered me was how many were there just for hookups! Or how many were already in a relationship and just looking for someone on the side. So, I stopped the online dating thing, figured if it were meant to happen I would find someone.....

 

I'm lonely, a lot of the time. I miss having someone to cuddle with, or just to be close to. I'm not talking about just sex (although yes, i miss that too.)

 

How do you reintegrate yourself into the dating world, short of a neon flashing sign over your head that blinks *SINGLE*? And please don't suggest I go back and try online dating, I don't think I have the stomach for it again.

 

Not all online dating guys are looking for a hook up. We look for a relationship too. But logically speaking guys who look for a relationship and marriage tend to look for a younger girl who can have babies. When you are 40+ and looking, you will of course get more hook up offers. It is a statistically reality.

[Lilyana76]

I'm really not picky. I just want someone who is employed, has their own home and car, and most of their own teeth.

 

But online I seem to get the ones that want me to take care of them, or just want a hookup.. my block list on POF is HUGE.

 

Maybe I won't give up on it so quick, but man, I guess being 40, not taking crap, and knowing what you want is unappealing lol

[kgcolonel]

I get it, dating in mid life can be daunting...you are not there to play games.

 

Start going out dancing with your girlie friends, have them introduce you to single male friends, go to parties or events, take some yoga classes or go to the gym and meet someone there. Just go out and start having fun again. Don't give up on OLD, maybe try dating sites for more mature type people like yourself. POF or Tinder is just garbage because it's free....so aholes will use it to their advantage.

 

The yoga idea is a good one....i take a class twice a week and have met (not for dating of course) several very nice people....plus it is good for the mental and physical health.

[unexpected]

I, too, found myself nearing my mid-40's and divorced. However, I'm a guy so it's a little different as it seems single woman on dating sights get swamped with getting asked out. As a guy? It doesn't really work that way.

 

However, I did get kind of lonely and started going to meetups (meetup.com). Those are a good option if you:

 

a)live in large enough population where meetup.com gives you a lot of variety

b)you are willing to put forth the time (and effort) to attend a LOT of meetups as many groups are kind of clickish and it takes some time to break into the 'inner circle'.

 

I did the dating sites, too. OKCupid and POF were underwhelming. I moved to Match.com after about 6 months of meaningless dates from OKCupid and POF. I met a woman on Match.com who had spent 4 years wading the waters of tinder, clover, okcupid, pof, etc. She ended up with what she referred to as an "endless line of dipsh*ts" constantly hitting her up on FB and texting/emailing her on those dating sites. She switched to Match.com, went out with two different guys (one being me) and we've been going for about 4 months now (which doesn't seem like much but when you're in your 40's it a refreshing surprise when nothing else has gone more than 2 dates)!

 

Good luck to you!

[oldshirt]

I'm 52 so I may be able to relate to your lack of interest in OLD more than the younger set who has always lived in a world where OLD was the norm.

 

I may be old-school, but I really believe that the best way to meet legitimate candidates is through your friends, family, social circles and shared interests and activities.

 

If a trusted friend of yours that knows you and cares about you tells you that she knows a good guy that she thinks will be a good match for you - that counts for a lot more than a dozen profile pictures and walls of text saying how they like puppies and walks on the beach and don't like negative people.

 

Birds of a feather do flock together and throughout human history and across all cultures, people being introduced by mutual friends and family etc has been the norm and highest degree of success.

 

Cold meeting strangers to find a mate is a western society phenomenon that has only been occurring for the last couple decades. Yes, we all know a few people that have hit one out of the ballpark and found a great match.

 

But being introduced by friends family and getting to know people through shared interest and activities has been producing couples for 10s of thousands of years.

[Tread Carefully]

You are not alone Lilyana. I am right there with you! I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming. So much has changed since dating in our teens. Geesh. I took a couple years after the divorce to work on myself and get to the point that I was ready to be involved with someone else. Now here I am. I moved to a new area where I don't know a soul and that hasn't turned out the way I thought it would either. I'm on the OLD sites but am finding it exhausting sorting through the good from the "wth did you just say to me??" Are you getting the 20 somethings knocking on your door there too? I think to myself what in the world am I supposed to do with you other than set you up with my daughter?? It's really good to have a sense of humor with OLD dating! LOL

 

I'm going to sign up for some of these Meetup things that everyone is talking about here. Maybe I'll meet some single women my age that will show me the ropes and help me conquer the world. Hahaha.

 

Good luck to you Lill, keep us posted!

[Chris2016]

I have better luck on the free sites than the paid myself so I don't see the point of using the paid ones.

 

I've met my last few BFs through meetup groups though. I just attended events I enjoyed, talked to people, and men asked me out. I got more dates through OLD but I found more BFs through IRL.

 

The one thing I'll mention is that when I am partnered (and especially when I was recently divorced), I seem to put out a vibe that men pick up on and I don't get as much attention as when I'm single. Not sure if it's my body language, I'm more flirty, or what. But if you aren't putting that vibe out there you'll want to work on that too.

 

What signals/green lights did you give them to be inclined to ask you out?

[Chris2016]

If you go to my profile and read my first message here, I was saying the exact same words. Over 40 and dating for the first time in my life, really, my ex and I met when we were 18 yo.

 

So, i'll be 45 in a week and I'm getting remarried in July, insanely happy. Online dating, match.com. If you reject online dating at your age, it's not wise. If you have a goal, do whatever it takes that's how you'll be successful. if you don't have the stomach for it, it's understandable but you'll stay single longer. Read some books, learn a few things, get some experience and you'll be good.

 

Another option is meetup. I did it all!! Meetup, online dating, speed dating, everything. But only paid sites were fine for me. I only did OKStupid for 3 days though, too dirty for me. I met my FI on match.com. I also had a dating coach, after trying on my own for 1 year. If I met my FI in my first year of dating, I would have rejected him because I was stupid and I didn't know what I was doing.

 

first step: work on yourself. Go to therapy, read books, make sure you know what matters in a partner and go for it!

 

Good luck!

 

Does that opener work for guys? 40 and dating for the first time ... but in my case due to lack experience, which I would never reveal. I guess that opener leads to questions.

 

I like that ... if you have a goal.

 

Can you elaborate? What difference did the dating coach make?

Edited January 10, 2017 by Chris2016

[Lilyana76]

Just a little update.

 

I decided to try online dating again.. ugh. lol

 

So far I am talking to 3 gentlemen. They all seem halfway decent, and I haven't noticed any creepy or weird tendencies in them. I have been talking to them for three days now.

 

How soon is too soon to meet up with them? I've decided to approach this as ripping the bandaide off and just getting it over with. I am meeting one tonight, and another one friday night. Is it too soon?

 

I guess at my age I just don't want to chat for a month, meet to find out we are not compatible so I just wasted a month.

 

Also an interesting thing happened at work. I was talking about one of my online dating guys to a couple of my customers, and one of my customers (who i have a huge crush on) said to me, "oh you are so pretty and you have a great personality, surely you could do better than that guy."

 

I sat there with my mouth hanging open for a few minutes, because, as i said i have a huge crush on this guy. And then thanked him for his compliments. We talked for a few minutes about dating at our age (yes, hes in his 40s and divorced as well) and he said he gave up on dating, because it was too much of a hassle and he was sick of the drama.

 

Now, I'm wondering if he was just being nice and concerned about me meeting "strangers", or if he is somewhat interested? Thoughts?

[Lilyana76]

So, I'm two weeks into OLD. I've met three men, I wouldn't say they were dates, they were initial meets.

 

The first guy, came into my evening job. (It's a social spot so I can take some time and converse). I invited him after talking for a few days, plus all my coworkers and regular customers were there so I feel safe. Like all my big brothers were around.

 

We chatted a bit, I finished up my work, then came to sit and chat with him. I noticed in the span of the 45 minutes he had been there, he had about 6 beers, and he had been stuffing money into this lotto machine like crazy. Both two big turn offs to me. There was very little chemistry and very little to talk about. He left saying he would talk to me soon, and never did. No worries on my end. Until yesterday when he messaged me saying he wanted to "bend me over"... ugh... blocked.

 

The next guy I met we met a local pub and played some darts. He was nice, good conversation. We flirted a lot. It seemed to be going well. The next day he texts me and says he would like to start an exclusive relationship. Asked if I would be his girlfriend..... Instantly I thought, Whoa slow down buddy. We just met. Can we get to know each other better first? He wasn't interested in slowing down. Needless to say, he kind of scared me off.

 

The third guy I met was very awkward and quiet. Kind of shifty. Seemed paranoid. When I asked him what was up, he finally admitted he was married and was afraid his wife would catch him talking to me..... um... bye bye.

 

So far, OLD seems like I'm just trying to spread sh*t on a cracker that keeps crumbling. As I said before, OKStupid.. NEXT!

[purrrfectlyflawed]

You have to take the good and the bad. I would have been pissed at the married guy for wasting your time. It's good to meet these guys quick and make it short so that you know what they are like.

 

 

Good luck

[NinjaX]

Well... that's dating lol.

 

 

With time, you will get better at filtering people out, but at the end of the day, the best way is really to meet.

 

 

I've learned that online dating takes time and there will be a lot of mismatches, so I go into first meets with little expectations with the goal of just enjoying whatever I can. If the date sucked, at least I get to laugh about it when I get home.

[Mrlonelyone]

Like I've said OLD is a numbers game. You may have to go on three dates a week for a year to find one person you connect with. OLD is dating the way that using a job search site is looking for a job.

[Lilyana76]

Like I've said OLD is a numbers game. You may have to go on three dates a week for a year to find one person you connect with. OLD is dating the way that using a job search site is looking for a job.

 

Good lord.. a year? ... I don't know if I have the strength lol

[Larryville]

I know sometimes in these threads I over analyze LOL!

 

Maybe I am so hyper skeptical I dig thru ever nuisance in dating profile and there are just things that stand out to me and help me NOT meet or waste time with people who just may suck.

 

I also know that from a guy’s standpoint to decide to go out with a woman is an investment in time and money. Women I guess can be a little less skeptical and just hang out with dudes.

 

I noticed in the span of the 45 minutes he had been there, he had about 6 beers

 

had been stuffing money into this lotto machine

 

The next day he texts me and says he would like to start an exclusive relationship. Asked if I would be his girlfriend

 

WTF!? LOL!

 

very awkward and quiet. Kind of shifty. Seemed paranoid

 

Now ladies can you not either see in a profile or in an initial few emails or a phone conversation or two things that would have helped you identify these things to help you decide if these dudes are event worth meeting?

 

I honestly don’t know if you ladies (regardless of age) are just more open than guys (or myself would be)

 

I’m thinking what red flags would I look for if I were on the other side of the fence? According to things I have read here on LS and issues lady friends have complained about.

 

Fish pics? I dude who would get on a dating site and post one… well…. Maybe you like outdoor types but I would not think posting a fish pic would be a good representative choice.

 

Bathroom selfies? Goes for both men and women, I instantly disregard anyone with one.

 

Body Expose’ Pictures” Goes without saying

 

In a profile the “I’m Mr. Wonderful I Am, I Am” annoying

 

Dudes stating in their profiles how much they like kissing, hugging, and how much they enjoy physical intimacy… I’m thinking this would apply to the OP and the dude who the next day said he wanted an exclusive relationship.

 

When dudes say they “are looking for a good hearted woman” red flag because an indicator that they have baggage from past relationships that is not resolved. Avoid!

 

Yes the hyper critical types like myself will not go on as many dates and overthinking is not cool I know, but I value my time, like I said women can afford to be more adventurous.

[Lilyana76]

I know sometimes in these threads I over analyze LOL!

 

Maybe I am so hyper skeptical I dig thru ever nuisance in dating profile and there are just things that stand out to me and help me NOT meet or waste time with people who just may suck.

 

I also know that from a guy’s standpoint to decide to go out with a woman is an investment in time and money. Women I guess can be a little less skeptical and just hang out with dudes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WTF!? LOL!

 

 

 

Now ladies can you not either see in a profile or in an initial few emails or a phone conversation or two things that would have helped you identify these things to help you decide if these dudes are event worth meeting?

 

I honestly don’t know if you ladies (regardless of age) are just more open than guys (or myself would be)

 

I’m thinking what red flags would I look for if I were on the other side of the fence? According to things I have read here on LS and issues lady friends have complained about.

 

Fish pics? I dude who would get on a dating site and post one… well…. Maybe you like outdoor types but I would not think posting a fish pic would be a good representative choice.

 

Bathroom selfies? Goes for both men and women, I instantly disregard anyone with one.

 

Body Expose’ Pictures” Goes without saying

 

In a profile the “I’m Mr. Wonderful I Am, I Am” annoying

 

Dudes stating in their profiles how much they like kissing, hugging, and how much they enjoy physical intimacy… I’m thinking this would apply to the OP and the dude who the next day said he wanted an exclusive relationship.

 

When dudes say they “are looking for a good hearted woman” red flag because an indicator that they have baggage from past relationships that is not resolved. Avoid!

 

Yes the hyper critical types like myself will not go on as many dates and overthinking is not cool I know, but I value my time, like I said women can afford to be more adventurous.

 

 

Don't you feel by some of these "small" judgments you could be passing up meeting someone great? I find writing profiles about myself to be tedious and try to make me look like something fantastic, when I am just me. I have no expectations in meeting up other than I might possibly make a new friend. I'm a very social person, and easily approachable, I guess I don't mind weeding through a few morons, and its a little entertaining. lol

 

I do read the profiles, especially to see what they are looking for and if we have some common interests. I figure if I bite the bullet and just meet them I'll figure out who is a d*uchebag and who isn't quicker and easier than chatting to find it out after a week or two.