I miss him so much

[moana]

I had an A for 5 and a half years and it ended June 2014. I have been NC 100% since. I have seen him from far once or twice around town, but have never ran into him or his wife. I'm also married and confessed the whole thing to my H. The OM hurt me and I knew the only way to end it for good was to confess and close that door forever.

 

 

Here I am 2 and a half years later, not a day has gone by I don't think of him, even if just for a little bit. I have good days, really good days then some bad ones. I would never tell my H how I feel, I've hurt him enough already.

 

 

I've read posts where people ask how long it takes to get over someone, and they are about 2 months NC and I'm over here years and still missing him. WTH??? Is this normal? I miss everything, the friendship, the passion, the intimacy, him, us.... I hate myself for this. Is this normal? Am I crazy?

 

 

I'm always wondering if he's over me, If I ever cross his mind... is he, do I? Why do I care... idk but I do

 

 

Thoughts anyone?

[malvern99]

What type of work did you do on yourself in the aftermath of the affair? NC is only effective if it is total, and that takes work. If the AP stays in your head after the fact, then that is not really NC, because people have a tendency to overly romanticize the past and only remember the good times. Have you tried any thought redirection methods?

 

Are you in love with your H? If you aren't, then staying with him for whatever reason is not fair to either of you. We all deserve to love and be loved, and sometimes walking away from a marriage is the best thing to do for all parties involved. Good luck OP.

[Poppy47]

I was in an A for years.

 

I was a widowed OW and he is a MM. I am now 69 and he is 74. Age is no barrier to stupidity.LOL

 

I wouldn't continue in an A and he didn't want to leave so I have been NC now for 9 months.

 

Not a day goes past that I don't think of him either. I was missing him during the recent holidays and looked at his Face Book, to find all kinds of secret messages there for me....9 months worth.

 

I reblocked his FB page but the aftermath has been much sadness and I am still recovering from my slip up.

 

I don't think we will ever forget them, or stop missing them in some way. YOur A was a large portion of your life. You would not simply forget anybody you had been close to for 5 years. It isn't possible. It could take another 5 years.

 

I don't think your xMM has forgotten you either.

 

Maybe the holiday season got to you too. I am better when I am busy.

 

Kind Wishes,

Poppy.

[Chica80]

Did you do IC? What about MC?

 

If you reconciled w H but didn't actually work on gaining that intimacy or closeness that could be a huge reason you miss him and think about him.

 

There will be things that are unique to him, that will only be with him. We are individuals and all different. But the passion and intimacy can be developed with work and effort on both parties.

 

Maybe not. But that is something that only you can answer.

[Satu]

From my journal:

 

 

There are three main reasons why some people have difficulty 'moving on' from a relationship, even after a long time has passed:

 

1. An omitted or incomplete grieving process.

 

2. Rebound relationships.

 

3. Genuinely traumatic experiences within the relationship.

 

1 and 2 are much more common than 3.

 

 

In your case, it looks like #1 might be what's holding you back.

 

Consider some grief counselling.

 

 

Take care.

[FlemishSwanSong]

Hi Moana, I'm sorry to hear that years after the A, you are still not over your xMM. I can offer no advice as it is only months after my A and into NC. All I can say is I can say is that I do empathise.

 

I desperately want to get over my A, but still think about my xMM everyday to a larger or lesser extend (mostly larger!). Some days I know with complete certainty that he was no good and that the A was simply fantasyland, other days my mind still dwells on that fantasy.

 

I know I will not break NC and don't believe he will. Like you I wonder what his thought processes are, about the A, me and the fantasy future we both entertained. I'll never know.

 

I'm sure your xMM must still think about you and the alternative future he might have had with you, I'm assuming he elected to save his marriage (maybe with children involved). This was the case for my situation. From what I've read - male perspectives, the majority of posts suggest they think about their xMW from time to time, but mostly seem glad they made the commitment to their family, W and children. I try to bear this in mind, to help me to focus on my family in the belief that is my xMM's focus. There is no future with me.

 

Good luck getting over him, the A, the memories, fun and friendship. I for one wish I'd never let the A develop. The loss of the friendship is one of the most painful losses. Maybe try and imagine him making a go of his life with his wife and remember he choose to stay with her. Thinking about him isn't helping you move on. I need to follow my own advise too!

[moana]

Thank you all so very much, this is easily something people could get negative on quickly and I have no one close to talk to. I think counseling might be my best bet right now. Although I have never talked to him, emailed or text or anything for 2 and a half years I do allow myself sometimes to miss him then it's more than I expected. I also go through really good times where I think of the negative and when he comes to mind I'm like eh, and that can last week's. I've been in a funk for over a week and it's awful. I do love my H the itamacy is an issue and has been for years, so I completely understand why I miss that. I loved both my H and my AP during the A... I don't know if that's common but it's real. I appriciate everyone who responded and am great full for this outlet.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thank you all so very much, this is easily something people could get negative on quickly and I have no one close to talk to. I think counseling might be my best bet right now. Although I have never talked to him, emailed or text or anything for 2 and a half years I do allow myself sometimes to miss him then it's more than I expected. I also go through really good times where I think of the negative and when he comes to mind I'm like eh, and that can last week's. I've been in a funk for over a week and it's awful. I do love my H the itamacy is an issue and has been for years, so I completely understand why I miss that. I loved both my H and my AP during the A... I don't know if that's common but it's real. I appriciate everyone who responded and am great full for this outlet.

 

Not a trained therapist here- but personally I think you are still romanticizing your AP and the affair in your head. This can be just as dangerous as having the actual affair. You do really need counseling to help you move on from this. Kuddos to you for going NC but due to the addictive nature of affairs getting some counseling is an extremely important step. It is okay to admit you can't do this on your own.

 

Are you and your husband in counseling together?

 

That is a VERY long affair to just walk away from without some outside help.

[moana]

When I first confessed everything, we went to counseling for about 6 months once a week. Our relationship is really in a good place, we have fun and laugh and touch base with each other to see what is going on, if there are any feelings. Just yesterday he said he feels good, that we have come a long way. I agreed but inside I think of my AP all the time and have been missing him so much lately. I have hurt my H enough and wont hurt him by telling him this. I agree when I'm missing him I tend to just think of the good and the fun things about us. In the end I really think he was talking to someone else and when I called him out he was angry and broke it off with me. I know my gut was right, even though I'll never know for sure if that makes sense. When I'm in a good place it's because I focus on that, the ending the way things ended.... I think after this long I need to talk to someone because I truly thought I would be ok. The sad thing is sometimes I am ok.

[malvern99]

The fact that the A didn't end on your terms may be a part of the problem OP. If you don't mind me asking, why did you confess? Confessing was definitely the right thing to do, but what were your motives behind confessing?

 

This may sound a little harsh, but please take it in its intended spirit. Your relationship with your spouse can't be in a good place if you are pining for someone else. It only seems like it is in a good place because your H does not know the truth. As long as he is in the dark about the true state of his marriage, the 2 of you will continue to play make believe. Now, you can try to fake it till you make it, but as your story demonstrates, that only leaves room for the ghosts of the past to keep haunting you both. The only thing that can excise those ghosts is truth and communication. There can be no more secrets if you intend to truly get to a better place. I won't lie to you and act like telling your H the truth will be easy. It will totally suck, but it is only from a foundation of 100% honesty that a relationship can be rebuilt successfully. Anything less just sets you up for failure. Good luck.

[DKT3]

What I get from reading this is you believe your husband deserves and is happy with half a wife and half a marriage.

 

Sometimes it's best to let someone go if you can't love, respect and commit to then in the way they deserve. It's been almost a decade of his life that you've forced him to share you, isn't that enough? What has he done to deserve this?

 

The problem as I see it, you've never made the decision to end your affair, so it's never ended. Maybe you haven't physically been in contact, but you've allowed yourself to use your affair and affair partner as an escape. In doing so you have very much kept it alive.

[malvern99]

Also one last thing for you to think about. The A was likely not about the AP. They rarely ever are. It was about you, and therapy will help you peel the onion back to discover why you had the affair. Once you are armed with that knowledge, it allows you to look back at that period of your life through a different lens.

 

How did the 6 months of counseling with your H go after DDay?

[ladydesigner]

What I get from reading this is you believe your husband deserves and is happy with half a wife and half a marriage.

 

Sometimes it's best to let someone go if you can't love, respect and commit to then in the way they deserve. It's been almost a decade of his life that you've forced him to share you, isn't that enough? What has he done to deserve this?

 

The problem as I see it, you've never made the decision to end your affair, so it's never ended. Maybe you haven't physically been in contact, but you've allowed yourself to use your affair and affair partner as an escape. In doing so you have very much kept it alive.

 

I agree with this. I am a fMOW but I couldn't get over my xOM for a year possibly 2 and I think a lot of it it is because it is hard to get over the AP while married and especially if the details are still being held in secret. You have not seen the pain that infidelity dishes out to the BS (this would be your H). By keeping this secret and mourning your AP in silence and to keep that flame going for the AP is why it is taking so long. Have you been in any kind of therapy for this?

[moana]

Confessing the A was me deciding to end it for good. Wrong probably... but it's worked, the A ended and we never spoke again. Missing him I feel I can't help so I don't really consider it cheating, in fact if I is what I need to move stop then that's my next step. I'm not going to reach out to him nor do I want to start a new affair, I can't help that I miss him. He was a part of my life for a long time.

 

The counseling with my H went really well we saw our counselor separately then at times together. My H and I "check in" with each other all the time and the other day he said it will always be there, but it's much better as time has passed.

 

I'm not proud of thw affair, but I did it, it happened. Being here on this website has made me realize lots of people have affairs so I know I'm not alone. I'm not trying to justify the A or say it was ok, because I know it's not. When me and my AP decided to go through with it, we made a decision to have a happy home life with our spouses and our kids and what we had was our own little world. So when I came home everyday my life was family, so was his... I will agree that I probably took it hard because it didn't end on my terms. I knew he slept with his wife, I was with my husband. We had an agreement it was strictly an affair.

 

I can see where one might say during the A I was only giving my H half a wife, and maybe somewhat... but I wasn't coming home and giving him the cold shoulder and being a bitch, I was happy and had fun nights and still had a connection with him. Believe it or not I wa's in love with 2 men at the same time. Sure if I had his permission and my AP wife's permission this would just be a polyamorus love, but it was a betrayal and I acknowledge that.

 

Although I am greatful for the response and advise at the end of the day I will do what's best for me and my situation so I won't ever tell my H I miss my AP, I will not contact my AP, I will seek IC. I guess it's just nice sometimes to relate to someone, to know I'm only human and there are people who listen without judgement.

[whichwayisup]

Confessing the A was me deciding to end it for good. Wrong probably... but it's worked, the A ended and we never spoke again. Missing him I feel I can't help so I don't really consider it cheating, in fact if I is what I need to move stop then that's my next step. I'm not going to reach out to him nor do I want to start a new affair, I can't help that I miss him. He was a part of my life for a long time.

 

You can't help it but you CAN be proactive and not let yourself think of him everyday and allow yourself to wallow in the missing him feelings. Fact that he's still on your mind daily makes me wonder how emotionally attached to you to your husband. Yes you love him, but where's the passion and only wanting to want him? You should consider it cheating, a form of cheating. your H would not be happy at all if he knew. Maybe you should tell him this way you can see his pain and reaction instead of holding on to your ex affair partner.

[DKT3]

You can't help it but you CAN be proactive and not let yourself think of him everyday and allow yourself to wallow in the missing him feelings. Fact that he's still on your mind daily makes me wonder how emotionally attached to you to your husband. Yes you love him, but where's the passion and only wanting to want him? You should consider it cheating, a form of cheating. your H would not be happy at all if he knew. Maybe you should tell him this way you can see his pain and reaction instead of holding on to your ex affair partner.

 

Your correct in my opinion...Her pining for other man is no different than remaining in the affair. Her behavior is no different. While involved she controlled information not to not hurt her husband but to maintain status quo. Just as she is now, holding on to AP is her escape and keeping her emotionally invested.

 

Until she is willing to discuss all aspects of the affair then she will never have true intimacy in her marriage. Until she gets honest with her motives for not doing so, she will continue to do using the "I don't want to hurt him" excuse. Reality is she doesn't want to detach totally from mm, if she did she would have...2 years

[Lady2163]

I miss the MM quite often as well. Posting on here - and checking out other forums can help a bit, but you are kind of just doing something that keeps your mind busy. Though, there's a few on here I genuinely like and enjoy.

 

Have you thought about calling your counselor or finding a new one? Just to have someone to talk to can help.

 

It is natural to think about them and miss them. XMM really was a good guy ('cept for that whole affair thing), so I don't have to try very hard to immortalize him. Of course he was a good guy. That's why he's been married for 30+ years and kids are all healthy, happy and successful. He's relatively happy.

 

Good luck. It does get easier.

[ShatteredLady]

My very favorite thing to do is sit up drinking & talking until the sun starts to rise in the morning. I've done it with close friends female & male (purely platonic) & I've done it with lovers & of course my husband.

 

I find the written word so lacking, particularly this kind of communication. We assume that we know what others will be reading when we write our words but both sides of the 'conversation' bring their own lexicon & life experiences.

 

 

Having said all of that can I ask in what way you think about & miss him? Rather than beating around the bush...I'm wondering as I read this if it's some forum of either PTSD or mourning. In my experience the 2 are kind of similar & over years can be more of a mental illness than a 'thinking about'. Or...the 3rd option is lamenting. Do you fantasize, rerun treasured moments with a sense of loss, a heavy heart?

 

There are things that I desperately want to get out of my head. Sometimes I'm ok. I truly am. Then the slightest thing can trigger me & it's kind of a physical reaction. My heart HURTS, actually hurts, like my chest has been bruised & it pumps too hard against it.

When it's really bad I find it hard to catch my breath. No matter where that thought journey starts it ends with depression & tears. On occasion I deliberately have to tell myself off for having "I'd rather not be living' thoughts. I think that's a kind of PTSD & antianxiety & antidepressant (low dose) medications have helped tremendously in the past.

 

My only brother took his own life. (I recognize this is very different but...) Although I was in shock & brokenhearted I knew him so very well that I could completely understand his actions. There was a devastating, strange calm about the whole thing. I never went through the stages of grieving although at times I feel some of them. It's like I went from shock too acceptance.

I think about him all the time but I don't mean I dwell on his suicide (although sometimes I do) there's is a tremendous sense of loss BUT that's more tied to my bouts of depression (caused by number 1) when I'm basically feeling sorry for ME because I need him so much.

I can't help but imagine what he would be doing, how he would laugh, what he would think of all of life's events. I picture him there with me. My mind plays through so many of our 'stories'.

 

That I KNOW I hold onto. I say that I have no choice, it's just something that happens but I know that if I really wanted to push it away, with a LOT of work I could.

 

Lamenting, feeling a sadness & darkness at the end of memories is a form of depression for me. It's focusing on something because my mind isn't truly in the present. I'm not 'in the moment'. I know this because when the veil of depression lifts & I'm immersed in what I'm doing or planning it's not occupying my mind. I have 'go to' people & experiences when I'm feeling down about myself or when the tedious rinse & repeat of everyday life bores me into darkness. Know what I mean? The people & things I lament or merely putting a face or a story to my depression.

 

Keeping busy, planning, living & managing my depression helps tremendously with that. I'm not a naturally depressed person. I lived most of my life never truly understanding what it is. It snuck up on me. Maybe that's why I turn to lamentation? I don't know.

 

At the end of the day, isn't it like "Don't think of banana!". What's in your head? A banana!! I don't think we are equipped to simply tell ourselves to get over something & get over it.

 

 

I hope that my ramblings have at least given you something to think about & maybe get your mind onto a path that can find a solution. When I'm doing well my brain is truly my friend. I can analyze myself out of most things but when life hits me too hard or it's just getting me down I've learnt that my brain isn't my friend anymore. It has a very negative will of its own!! That's when medication & therapy can help a lot.

 

Best wishes. I know what it's like to want my thoughts to be different but be powerless to do anything about it.

[freengreen]

Wondering if he is thinking about you or not wont help. Wouldnt you want that feeling where you are completely over him?, the feeling that now you are free of his thoughts?, feeling FREE?. Work on it and acheive it.

 

If you let his thoughts come in, 10 yrs for that matter wont be enuf. Some people are praying for time, they pray for a year or just 3 extra months to live. Dont waste what you got on this, I doubt he is doing the same.

[moana]

Your correct in my opinion...Her pining for other man is no different than remaining in the affair. Her behavior is no different. While involved she controlled information not to not hurt her husband but to maintain status quo. Just as she is now, holding on to AP is her escape and keeping her emotionally invested.

 

Until she is willing to discuss all aspects of the affair then she will never have true intimacy in her marriage. Until she gets honest with her motives for not doing so, she will continue to do using the "I don't want to hurt him" excuse. Reality is she doesn't want to detach totally from mm, if she did she would have...2 years

 

DKT3, were you cheated on? Were you a cheater? I'm just curious because your responses to me come from what feels like an angry place. Perhaps you worry your H or W feels the way I do about and xAP. I've goggled and read many things about how long it takes to get over an xAP and it seems like you know I should already be over it after 2 years. Is this something I have not found to be fact or just your opinion of me?

[moana]

My very favorite thing to do is sit up drinking & talking until the sun starts to rise in the morning. I've done it with close friends female & male (purely platonic) & I've done it with lovers & of course my husband.

 

I find the written word so lacking, particularly this kind of communication. We assume that we know what others will be reading when we write our words but both sides of the 'conversation' bring their own lexicon & life experiences.

 

 

Having said all of that can I ask in what way you think about & miss him? Rather than beating around the bush...I'm wondering as I read this if it's some forum of either PTSD or mourning. In my experience the 2 are kind of similar & over years can be more of a mental illness than a 'thinking about'. Or...the 3rd option is lamenting. Do you fantasize, rerun treasured moments with a sense of loss, a heavy heart?

 

There are things that I desperately want to get out of my head. Sometimes I'm ok. I truly am. Then the slightest thing can trigger me & it's kind of a physical reaction. My heart HURTS, actually hurts, like my chest has been bruised & it pumps too hard against it.

When it's really bad I find it hard to catch my breath. No matter where that thought journey starts it ends with depression & tears. On occasion I deliberately have to tell myself off for having "I'd rather not be living' thoughts. I think that's a kind of PTSD & antianxiety & antidepressant (low dose) medications have helped tremendously in the past.

 

My only brother took his own life. (I recognize this is very different but...) Although I was in shock & brokenhearted I knew him so very well that I could completely understand his actions. There was a devastating, strange calm about the whole thing. I never went through the stages of grieving although at times I feel some of them. It's like I went from shock too acceptance.

I think about him all the time but I don't mean I dwell on his suicide (although sometimes I do) there's is a tremendous sense of loss BUT that's more tied to my bouts of depression (caused by number 1) when I'm basically feeling sorry for ME because I need him so much.

I can't help but imagine what he would be doing, how he would laugh, what he would think of all of life's events. I picture him there with me. My mind plays through so many of our 'stories'.

 

That I KNOW I hold onto. I say that I have no choice, it's just something that happens but I know that if I really wanted to push it away, with a LOT of work I could.

 

Lamenting, feeling a sadness & darkness at the end of memories is a form of depression for me. It's focusing on something because my mind isn't truly in the present. I'm not 'in the moment'. I know this because when the veil of depression lifts & I'm immersed in what I'm doing or planning it's not occupying my mind. I have 'go to' people & experiences when I'm feeling down about myself or when the tedious rinse & repeat of everyday life bores me into darkness. Know what I mean? The people & things I lament or merely putting a face or a story to my depression.

 

Keeping busy, planning, living & managing my depression helps tremendously with that. I'm not a naturally depressed person. I lived most of my life never truly understanding what it is. It snuck up on me. Maybe that's why I turn to lamentation? I don't know.

 

At the end of the day, isn't it like "Don't think of banana!". What's in your head? A banana!! I don't think we are equipped to simply tell ourselves to get over something & get over it.

 

 

I hope that my ramblings have at least given you something to think about & maybe get your mind onto a path that can find a solution. When I'm doing well my brain is truly my friend. I can analyze myself out of most things but when life hits me too hard or it's just getting me down I've learnt that my brain isn't my friend anymore. It has a very negative will of its own!! That's when medication & therapy can help a lot.

 

Best wishes. I know what it's like to want my thoughts to be different but be powerless to do anything about it.

 

ShatteredLady thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your experience with me. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine. ::hugs::

 

 

I do think in some ways it's grief. I lost a best friend, a lover, someone I talked to every day. The days we snuck off and had a day out of town or the time he played his guitar for me are what I think of that make me miss him. I can in all honesty say I can go weeks at a time and not care when he pops in my mind, I'm feeling strong and over him. Then around Christmas, my sister saw him shopping, we look a lot alike and she said he did a double take and almost smiled. I think that messed with me. I've been in this "I miss him" funk for a while now, but it's time to get back on the wagon!! If it means a counselor then that's what I'll do. I can say I don't live in these feelings all the time its just felt like a couple of weeks now and it sucks.

 

 

You write your thoughts beautifully btw

[moana]

Wondering if he is thinking about you or not wont help. Wouldnt you want that feeling where you are completely over him?, the feeling that now you are free of his thoughts?, feeling FREE?. Work on it and acheive it.

 

If you let his thoughts come in, 10 yrs for that matter wont be enuf. Some people are praying for time, they pray for a year or just 3 extra months to live. Dont waste what you got on this, I doubt he is doing the same.

 

 

Freengreen... YES!! I would love a life where I am completely over him. For a long time maybe the 1st year, my goal was to have a full day where I didn't think about him. Then after the year it more became acceptance that something would remind me of him and that's just life.

 

 

I think when I'm missing him, I do wonder if he's thinking of me too. It helps soften the blow of how I feel. Selfish much... sometimes I'm only human.

 

 

Thank you for your response I appreciate your thoughts and advise.

[Midlifecrisis1]

Freengreen... YES!! I would love a life where I am completely over him. For a long time maybe the 1st year, my goal was to have a full day where I didn't think about him. Then after the year it more became acceptance that something would remind me of him and that's just life.

 

 

I think when I'm missing him, I do wonder if he's thinking of me too. It helps soften the blow of how I feel. Selfish much... sometimes I'm only human.

 

 

Thank you for your response I appreciate your thoughts and advise.

 

Although mine was much shorter than yours and has only been over for 5 months, I also wonder if I will ever experience a day when I don't think about him. I think I am coming to accept that this is the new normal for me and that as long as the thoughts aren't interfering in my life, I can deal with it. I'd like to believe he thinks of me too. It does soften the blow.

[moana]

Midlife, I have read that an AP is harder to get over than a regular breakup because it is very "fantasy" driven, so there is more good than bad to remember. I can say that last year on his B-day it wasn't until I was going to bed that night I realized it was his B-day and I smiled because I thought I was headed towards the freedom I seek. Some days I think of him briefly and then dismiss the thoughts, other times I say, Ok, I'll just think about him for 5 min then move on. But it's really hit me hard this time... ::sigh:: I know I'll dust off and get back up. We all will!!!

[Bittersweetie]

The problem as I see it, you've never made the decision to end your affair, so it's never ended. Maybe you haven't physically been in contact, but you've allowed yourself to use your affair and affair partner as an escape. In doing so you have very much kept it alive.

 

I agree with the above. And I'm a fWW. I can totally see how I used memories of xAP to escape from the reality of my life after d-day, despite no contact. Fortunately I realized this early and took steps to minimize the thinking of xAP. Whenever he entered my head, I specifically changed my train of thought. Or I would think of something negative in relation to him, what he did, what I did with him that hurt my H. Having the negative association allowed the thoughts to fade. And to be honest, as time went on, the "happy" memories of the A became less and less happy.

 

I agree too that for a relationship to be truly reconciled, everything has to be put out on the table. My H and I talked through everything. Now, it is your choice what to share. I think talking to a counselor to find out WHY you are still stuck in this mindset years later would be a very good place to start. GL.