I miss him so much

[malvern99]

DKT3, were you cheated on? Were you a cheater? I'm just curious because your responses to me come from what feels like an angry place. Perhaps you worry your H or W feels the way I do about and xAP. I've goggled and read many things about how long it takes to get over an xAP and it seems like you know I should already be over it after 2 years. Is this something I have not found to be fact or just your opinion of me?

 

It's easy to dismiss someone as angry or whatever in order to avoid addressing what they had to say. Would it be acceptable to you for your H to miss a former lover of his? Would it be acceptable to you if he kept his true feelings for his former lover hidden from you in order to "not hurt your feelings"? Would you buy that argument at all? Dollars to donuts you would tear that weak argument to shreds, because let's be honest, you want to keep your missing AP secret not to protect your H, but to protect yourself.

 

Before you ask, I am a BS, and no I am not angry at you or projecting my situation onto you. I don't know you and I'm not interested in judging you or anything if that nature. I just think it's a good idea to look at situation from different perspectives. Walk in someone else's shoes so to speak. Good luck

Edited January 10, 2017 by malvern99

[Southern Sun]

I think it is really unfair to say that a person who ended her affair two years ago, and has been in strict NC, yet still thinks of her AP, is still essentially having an affair. It totally discounts all of the work and effort the person has put forth in getting out of the affair in the first place, as well as remaining NC during what has likely been a very difficult reconciliation effort. And while I (and anyone who has gotten out) am not asking for a pat on the back, I WILL tell you, it can be HARD. Not just because you are attached or "in love." There are all kinds of things that can keep a person feeling stuck.

 

That said...continuing to indulge in thoughts of the AP can definitely hinder full healing and reconciliation of the M.

 

I think the real question is - WHY are you continuing to think of him?

 

Affairs are weird. Your relationship was long, 5 years. But still, you never got to the reality component. So as others have said, you have romanticized this man. He never showed you his real self, in total. So there's that.

 

It ended suddenly, and you probably have regrets about how it went down. On top of that, you never got to speak with him about it. You didn't get to go back and discuss your accusations and get any closure. That can keep the wound open. But that stuff can happen in any kind of R, and you need to be able to work through that on your own...perhaps with IC.

 

I think you need to consider whether there is ongoing dissatisfaction in your M. You say you are happy. If you are, great. You mentioned a problem with intimacy. That WILL likely cause you to keep thinking of MM, if that was a satisfying part of your relationship. Thus...it needs to be addressed.

 

Finally - are you feeling personally stymied in any way? Are you enjoying your own personal growth? If you are stuck...if your own personal development is just not happening, then you may ruminate on MM. Think about what the affair represented for you...and think about how you need to be creating that in healthy ways now and going forward.

[DKT3]

I think it is really unfair to say that a person who ended her affair two years ago, and has been in strict NC, yet still thinks of her AP, is still essentially having an affair. It totally discounts all of the work and effort the person has put forth in getting out of the affair in the first place, as well as remaining NC during what has likely been a very difficult reconciliation effort. And while I (and anyone who has gotten out) am not asking for a pat on the back, I WILL tell you, it can be HARD. Not just because you are attached or "in love." There are all kinds of things that can keep a person feeling stuck.

 

That said...continuing to indulge in thoughts of the AP can definitely hinder full healing and reconciliation of the M.

 

I think the real question is - WHY are you continuing to think of him?

 

Affairs are weird. Your relationship was long, 5 years. But still, you never got to the reality component. So as others have said, you have romanticized this man. He never showed you his real self, in total. So there's that.

 

It ended suddenly, and you probably have regrets about how it went down. On top of that, you never got to speak with him about it. You didn't get to go back and discuss your accusations and get any closure. That can keep the wound open. But that stuff can happen in any kind of R, and you need to be able to work through that on your own...perhaps with IC.

 

I think you need to consider whether there is ongoing dissatisfaction in your M. You say you are happy. If you are, great. You mentioned a problem with intimacy. That WILL likely cause you to keep thinking of MM, if that was a satisfying part of your relationship. Thus...it needs to be addressed.

 

Finally - are you feeling personally stymied in any way? Are you enjoying your own personal growth? If you are stuck...if your own personal development is just not happening, then you may ruminate on MM. Think about what the affair represented for you...and think about how you need to be creating that in healthy ways now and going forward.

 

The problem isn't really missing him, the problem is just like in the active affair she continues to lie by omitting and isn't being open with her husband. The problem is she still hasn't made the decision to end the affair, the problem is she continues to rob her husband of having a wife that is committed to him 100% emotionally.

 

OP, I'm not angry at all, I just understand how these things work, it's never as complicated as people would like to make them be. Your comments to me are pretty standard for a wayward spouse who uses the deflection method to avoid facing the hard truths.

 

You made a comment that to summarize was "I don't care what everyone says or thinks, I'm going to do what makes me happy" it's a telling comment and shows the mindset that got you to where you've been the last decade, a less then ideal wife. Until you change your mindset nothing else will change. Smoke and mirrors only last for so long.

[moana]

The problem isn't really missing him, the problem is just like in the active affair she continues to lie by omitting and isn't being open with her husband. The problem is she still hasn't made the decision to end the affair, the problem is she continues to rob her husband of having a wife that is committed to him 100% emotionally.

 

OP, I'm not angry at all, I just understand how these things work, it's never as complicated as people would like to make them be. Your comments to me are pretty standard for a wayward spouse who uses the deflection method to avoid facing the hard truths.

 

You made a comment that to summarize was "I don't care what everyone says or thinks, I'm going to do what makes me happy" it's a telling comment and shows the mindset that got you to where you've been the last decade, a less then ideal wife. Until you change your mindset nothing else will change. Smoke and mirrors only last for so long.

 

 

I am truly grateful for the responses I have received on this post regardless if they were helpful or I felt judged in any way. I didn't mean to come across sassy and with a "whatever" attitude when I said I don't care what everyone says or thinks, I'm going to do what makes me happy. Where I was coming from there is basically, each marriage or person who has been affected by and A is different. Sure some similarities but each and every situation is unique just like we are as people. So when there is an insistence that I tell my H that for the past 2 weeks I've really been missing my xAP I disagree. I don't see it as cheating, my intentions are not to reconnect with my xAP, I'm having a bit of a personal struggle. I have also had many many great days. I reached out and posted on a bad one. I appreciate and am grateful for all the advice, but ultimately I'm going to do what is best for me and my situation. I realize DKT3 that for you, complete honesty and even knowing your wife might miss her xAP might be what works for you, and I can respect that. For now, what I'm learning from these responses is I do need IC. I want to be a good wife, a happy person, and move on from this... I'm a work in progress.

[somanymistakes]

the problem is she continues to rob her husband of having a wife that is committed to him 100% emotionally.

 

The problem with framing it like that is that this line of thinking can lead to unhealthy relationships too.

 

Having a child, or a career, or even a hobby, anything that takes up any portion of your time and attention and emotion, can be seen as not being 100% devoted to your husband. Yes, it's ridiculous, but there really are spouses who see it like that and jealously attack anything that might be a rival. That is not how love should work.

[DKT3]

I am truly grateful for the responses I have received on this post regardless if they were helpful or I felt judged in any way. I didn't mean to come across sassy and with a "whatever" attitude when I said I don't care what everyone says or thinks, I'm going to do what makes me happy. Where I was coming from there is basically, each marriage or person who has been affected by and A is different. Sure some similarities but each and every situation is unique just like we are as people. So when there is an insistence that I tell my H that for the past 2 weeks I've really been missing my xAP I disagree. I don't see it as cheating, my intentions are not to reconnect with my xAP, I'm having a bit of a personal struggle. I have also had many many great days. I reached out and posted on a bad one. I appreciate and am grateful for all the advice, but ultimately I'm going to do what is best for me and my situation. I realize DKT3 that for you, complete honesty and even knowing your wife might miss her xAP might be what works for you, and I can respect that. For now, what I'm learning from these responses is I do need IC. I want to be a good wife, a happy person, and move on from this... I'm a work in progress.

 

Not really, what I want is a wife willing to share, one that I know won't hide things from me that impacts my life. This behavior lead her to her affair.

 

 

As far as me worrying about her missing him....Nope never crossed my mind, and here is why. I divorced my wife, she had every opportunity to go to her AP who was single and very much wanted a life with her.

 

Listen, your struggling with this, that much is clear, but your doing the same things, so nothing will change. I'm guessing you think your husband would be done if you were open with him. Maybe he would, but what's the alternative? Secrets create the need for more secrets, which creates an emotional distance the more you feel you can't share the more you drift away, the more likely you are to repeat this situation in 5 or 10 years.

[Southern Sun]

I wonder if ANY marriage could reconcile if a former wayward must confess to their BS every single time they think about the AP, or more specifically, have the feeling that they miss that person. The BS truly must be a pretty special person to be able to hack THAT.

 

As a matter of fact, I think every BS is different. There are some, having been told the full matter of the affair, who would not want to know this stuff, DKT. They would not want to be the WS' emotional tampon in regard to the former AP. They would want the WS to work that crap out with a friend or a therapist, but otherwise, they would not want to hear it. This is assuming of course that the WS if fully onboard with reconciliation.

 

And then there are those like you, who would want to know every thought. So we probably can't assume all are alike.

[wmacbride]

Midlife, I have read that an AP is harder to get over than a regular breakup because it is very "fantasy" driven, so there is more good than bad to remember. I can say that last year on his B-day it wasn't until I was going to bed that night I realized it was his B-day and I smiled because I thought I was headed towards the freedom I seek. Some days I think of him briefly and then dismiss the thoughts, other times I say, Ok, I'll just think about him for 5 min then move on. But it's really hit me hard this time... ::sigh:: I know I'll dust off and get back up. We all will!!!

 

Reading your words indicates a big part of your problem.

 

It really sounds have overly romanticized the A, and have allowed yourself to fixate on it by placing it in its own special grouping that is very different than other romantic relationships. . That may feel good at the time, but it slowly poisons a person and their other relationships.

 

I can't really give any advice other than to try and see the situation for what it is. Brush off the rainbows and unicorn poop:laugh: and take a really hard look at what you are doing.

You may feel that you love(d) tow men, and maybe you do. The issue is that is not what your husband signed up for. He expected you to remain faithful to him, and you haven't. Whatever the reason, you had an A, and in the aftermath, you are still being dishonest. While the action of cheating is painful, it's the dishonesty that is so much worse.

 

When I read your posts, I'm getting the vibe that it rally isn't the OM per se that you love(d) but more the feeling you had when you were with him. Why is that? Is there something your husband does/doesn't do that could help?

 

I understand why you want to keep this to yourself and that you don't want to hurt your spouse, but by not being honest with him, you are robbing him of a big piece of you. Bu hiding your feelings and not address them, you are allowing them to take hold and maybe even grow.

 

I understand that your are mourning a loss, but it's been a long tim for it to still be affecting your life. To me, this would indicate that your coping mechanism isn't working,and I hope you can find one that does.

[DKT3]

I wonder if ANY marriage could reconcile if a former wayward must confess to their BS every single time they think about the AP, or more specifically, have the feeling that they miss that person. The BS truly must be a pretty special person to be able to hack THAT.

 

As a matter of fact, I think every BS is different. There are some, having been told the full matter of the affair, who would not want to know this stuff, DKT. They would not want to be the WS' emotional tampon in regard to the former AP. They would want the WS to work that crap out with a friend or a therapist, but otherwise, they would not want to hear it. This is assuming of course that the WS if fully onboard with reconciliation.

 

And then there are those like you, who would want to know every thought. So we probably can't assume all are alike.

I don't need to or want to know, but I want her to be willing. There is a huge distinction.

 

My wife is willing to discuss any and every aspect of her affair should I ask. Ive rarely asked much about the affair, only about her thoughts from time to time. With those she is open and honest.

 

Here is the thing, in order for the BS to truly accept this is there new normal is to be given the information, should the information be leaked, or they find out down the line it could be a huge set back or even deserves the last straw.

 

If you truly love your spouse then you give them the opportunity to decide for themselves what they need to know.

[moana]

Not really, what I want is a wife willing to share, one that I know won't hide things from me that impacts my life. This behavior lead her to her affair.

 

 

As far as me worrying about her missing him....Nope never crossed my mind, and here is why. I divorced my wife, she had every opportunity to go to her AP who was single and very much wanted a life with her.

 

Listen, your struggling with this, that much is clear, but your doing the same things, so nothing will change. I'm guessing you think your husband would be done if you were open with him. Maybe he would, but what's the alternative? Secrets create the need for more secrets, which creates an emotional distance the more you feel you can't share the more you drift away, the more likely you are to repeat this situation in 5 or 10 years.

 

 

DKT3 I'm really trying to understand you here, but I'm confused. I said, "I realize DKT3 that for you, complete honesty and even knowing your wife might miss her xAP might be what works for you, and I can respect that." to which you say, "Not really, what I want is a wife willing to share, one that I know won't hide things from me that impacts my life. This behavior lead her to her affair." So is there a difference? Complete honesty... willing to share?! Potato Potato?

 

 

I'm surprised it has never crossed your mind that she my miss him, I sometimes miss my childhood much less someone I loved. If my H was the one who had an A I would very much think that he sometimes misses it. But again to each their own we are all unique like I said and so it sounds like you and I just don't relate on this subject but based off other comments others do relate to me... so I know its relatable.

 

 

You say, "Listen, your struggling with this, that much is clear, but your doing the same things, so nothing will change." What am I doing the same? Talking every day with my AP, meeting him and renting hotel rooms? Nope, a lot has changed actually, strict NC for 21/2 years!!! That's huge for me.

 

 

I actually don't think my H would be done with me, I think in a way he would understand because it was 5 years of my life, I'm human and I love deeply... I DO think it would hurt him, and why would I want to do that again? When we as a couple have come so far. Me as an individual mostly but not 100% so I'm working on it. I don't think me missing him right now is going to lead to secret on top of secret.... if anything I don't want to dwell here, I want to move forward, heal and move on.

 

 

No one knows the future, so idk what will happen in 5 or 10 years... I could die tomorrow. So for now I will take things one day at a time. But please DKT3 enlighten me with your facts and knowledge of my unique situation.

[DKT3]

DKT3 I'm really trying to understand you here, but I'm confused. I said, "I realize DKT3 that for you, complete honesty and even knowing your wife might miss her xAP might be what works for you, and I can respect that." to which you say, "Not really, what I want is a wife willing to share, one that I know won't hide things from me that impacts my life. This behavior lead her to her affair." So is there a difference? Complete honesty... willing to share?! Potato Potato?

 

 

I'm surprised it has never crossed your mind that she my miss him, I sometimes miss my childhood much less someone I loved. If my H was the one who had an A I would very much think that he sometimes misses it. But again to each their own we are all unique like I said and so it sounds like you and I just don't relate on this subject but based off other comments others do relate to me... so I know its relatable.

 

 

You say, "Listen, your struggling with this, that much is clear, but your doing the same things, so nothing will change." What am I doing the same? Talking every day with my AP, meeting him and renting hotel rooms? Nope, a lot has changed actually, strict NC for 21/2 years!!! That's huge for me.

 

 

I actually don't think my H would be done with me, I think in a way he would understand because it was 5 years of my life, I'm human and I love deeply... I DO think it would hurt him, and why would I want to do that again? When we as a couple have come so far. Me as an individual mostly but not 100% so I'm working on it. I don't think me missing him right now is going to lead to secret on top of secret.... if anything I don't want to dwell here, I want to move forward, heal and move on.

 

 

No one knows the future, so idk what will happen in 5 or 10 years... I could die tomorrow. So for now I will take things one day at a time. But please DKT3 enlighten me with your facts and knowledge of my unique situation.

 

It's not that complicated, do I think my wife fantasize about OM? Nope. If she were do I believe she would tell me? Yep

 

We found that not being open and honest is why our marriage got to a bad spot.

 

Do I need my wife to tell me she thinks a guy at Starbucks was hot? Nope

 

The our marriage is in a great place because we have gotten comfortable with the uncomfortable conversation, because of this I have no fear that she would ever go back to allowing issues to feaster into anger and resentment. Is it hard to hear some of the things she tells me now? Of course it is, at the same time I appreciate the honesty.

 

I believe that my wife has my best interest at heart even when it conflicts with her self interest.

 

So no I don't worry about her dreaming fondly of OM, if she did, I trust that she would tell me, because she loves me enough to allow me to decide, we don't make unlaterial decisions anymore.

[Jemima1234]

Hi

I feel your pain. I absolutely do not think you should tell your husband you still have these struggles - to me this is utterly normal and no need to hurt him more!! You aren't doing anything wrong - you are trying to do right and move forward. You can't help how you feel!! My counsellor is very clear my husband doesn't need to know everything I think and feel- that's not helpful. That doesn't mean I can't and shouldn't share things but it's not wrong to not to!

 

Saying all this - I had an affair years ago which lasted over 2 years. I was heartbroken when it ended. I reconciled with my husband (as much as possible - lots of issues there then and still are), I worked to gain forgiveness, I was complete NC. But years down the line had another affair with the same person!!! And only now have I gone to counselling and realised I never dealt with anything. I buried my pain and my feelings rather than confront it head on. So you need to do that- go for counselling or whatever you need, let yourself feel this and then let yourself be free and move on

[ladydesigner]

I wonder if ANY marriage could reconcile if a former wayward must confess to their BS every single time they think about the AP, or more specifically, have the feeling that they miss that person. The BS truly must be a pretty special person to be able to hack THAT.

 

As a matter of fact, I think every BS is different. There are some, having been told the full matter of the affair, who would not want to know this stuff, DKT. They would not want to be the WS' emotional tampon in regard to the former AP. They would want the WS to work that crap out with a friend or a therapist, but otherwise, they would not want to hear it. This is assuming of course that the WS if fully onboard with reconciliation.

 

And then there are those like you, who would want to know every thought. So we probably can't assume all are alike.

 

Yep this!!! x1000 take that noise to the therapist office!

[ladydesigner]

It's not that complicated, do I think my wife fantasize about OM? Nope. If she were do I believe she would tell me? Yep

 

We found that not being open and honest is why our marriage got to a bad spot.

 

Do I need my wife to tell me she thinks a guy at Starbucks was hot? Nope

 

The our marriage is in a great place because we have gotten comfortable with the uncomfortable conversation, because of this I have no fear that she would ever go back to allowing issues to feaster into anger and resentment. Is it hard to hear some of the things she tells me now? Of course it is, at the same time I appreciate the honesty.

 

I believe that my wife has my best interest at heart even when it conflicts with her self interest.

 

So no I don't worry about her dreaming fondly of OM, if she did, I trust that she would tell me, because she loves me enough to allow me to decide, we don't make unlaterial decisions anymore.

 

Hmmmm I think most WS's think about their AP's for some time after the A ended if there were feelings involved. I don't think that part ends overnight as much as us BS's want it to. While I didn't want to hear if WH was missing her, I did get to read broken NC texts of him missing her so I know he did. I know I did when I had my first A 8 years ago. I do think there should be somewhat of a timeline for this and the WS should be working on this with a therapist too and actively working on redirecting the thoughts.

 

OP over time if these thoughts do not start to diminish then I would be concerned. They do eventually go away it takes some of us months and some of us years, but I think eventually they go away. When i think of my xOM now I have no feelings whatsoever, completely indifferent, that is what you want to strive for! Best of luck to you!

[malvern99]

So no I don't worry about her dreaming fondly of OM, if she did, I trust that she would tell me, because she loves me enough to allow me to decide, we don't make unlaterial decisions anymore.

 

That is the key to recovery. Giving up the desire to make unilateral decisions about the marriage. When a fWS becomes the gatekeeper of what their BS should or shouldn't know about A related things, it means they have not given up control of the outcome. The moment a fWS recognizes that their spouse is an adult who has to the right to and is perfectly capable of making decisions for themselves with all the relevant information is a huge moment in recovery. It is through moments like this that trust begins to be rebuilt.

 

A fWS doesn't have to tell their BS every time a thought of their former AP occurs. I don't think anyone is saying that. However, if it gets to the point where the thoughts of the former AP are so overwhelming they make it difficult for the fWS to focus on the here and now and be present for large chunks of time, then yes, I feel the BS has a right to that information so that he or she can make their own decision on how to move forward.

[cloche]

 

I do think in some ways it's grief. I lost a best friend, a lover, someone I talked to every day. The days we snuck off and had a day out of town or the time he played his guitar for me are what I think of that make me miss him. I can in all honesty say I can go weeks at a time and not care when he pops in my mind, I'm feeling strong and over him. Then around Christmas, my sister saw him shopping, we look a lot alike and she said he did a double take and almost smiled.

 

Lucinda ?

[moana]

Jemima1234 thank you so much for your response I know also form things I've read and even when I was in C at the beginning that it's normal.... sometimes it just feels stronger than other times.

 

 

Ladydesigner, I strive for the day I can feel indifferent towards him. I was married young (not to my current H) and we just grew up and grew apart, no cheating or super horrible things, just maybe too young to know better. We have children together so I have to see him sometimes, and I can honestly say I feel indifferent towards him, I never miss him or think of him. It was a chapter in my life and that's all. Someday that's how I want to feel about my xAP.

 

 

The day I posted that I was missing him so much, I had been feeling that way for about a week, but not 24/7. When I'm home, or busy I'm ok, its that space in-between when everything slows down I think of him. I decided a couple days ago to work on diverting my thoughts when time was slow, and I have been, and I do feel better. I mean he still comes and goes from my thoughts but I don't allow him to dwell there. I know I was letting him all last week which is what got me to the point of posting. I've made an appointment with a counselor and start next Tuesday!!

 

 

Cloche-Sorry not Lucinda

[Bittersweetie]

I'm surprised it has never crossed your mind that she my miss him, I sometimes miss my childhood much less someone I loved. If my H was the one who had an A I would very much think that he sometimes misses it. But again to each their own we are all unique like I said and so it sounds like you and I just don't relate on this subject but based off other comments others do relate to me... so I know its relatable.

 

I miss nothing about my xAP or my affair. Maybe it is because I see it as a larger picture: everything I did with xAP, said to xAP, felt about xAP was a blatant disrespect to my husband, my marriage, and myself. It was a huge knock to my own personal integrity.

 

Maybe when these feelings come up, look at in a bigger way? Not that you're missing the person or the feelings...but look at it as the choices and actions you took. Do you regret those choices? How do you feel about how those choices made your husband feel? How do you want to move forward in life, in terms of living authentically and with integrity? How does continuing to think about xAP fit in with those goals?

 

I'm not asking for answers, but something to think about, things I thought about in my time after d-day.

[Confused48]

I hear you when you said earlier that you felt good that you didn't think of you xMM on his birthday. That is a good sign.

 

This, not so much:

 

Some days I think of him briefly and then dismiss the thoughts, other times I say, Ok, I'll just think about him for 5 min then move on.

 

I agree with DKT3 that allowing yourself to have lengthy thoughts about the OM is cheating. You are willingly doing something you know would hurt your H (or you would tell him about it) and then you don't tell him. You build more walls between yourself and your H. You prevent the re-growth of intimacy with your H.

 

I think it goes to far to say it is the equivalent of continuing the affair. But is is very disrespectful to your H, damaging to your marriage and hurtful to even yourself.

 

It is inevitable that you will think of your xMM. It is optional to allow those thoughts to continue. I'm a BS and had the problem of mind movies, if you know what that is. My counselor told me, and I realized it was true, that if the mind movies went on for more than a few seconds, it was bc I was giving myself permission to do that. She made me realize I had the option to limit this and I took it. You should as well.

 

The Buddhists have a saying: Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Stop allowing yourself to think of him, ever. Go NC in your mind too and you will find peace.

[Iamhisflower]

TRUE remorse & reconciliation (through IC) mean you 100% get that everything about the A/AP was wrong. Period

 

Oh boy.

 

 

We get that you might have 1 or 2 warm & fuzzy thoughts about your AP. If you are doing the work & truly remorseful- 99% of your A thoughts should bring you to your knees in shame.

 

Moana, i can promise you, you will have another affair. If you don't get to the root of your issues (now) you will never be happy. You can not say "I miss AP sooooo much, our chats, our friendship.....in the same breath as "I love my husband" no, no, no! Uhg, your poor husband. This is not reconciliation, this is deceit al over again.

Edited January 12, 2017 by Iamhisflower

[moana]

TRUE remorse & reconciliation (through IC) mean you 100% get that everything about the A/AP was wrong. Period

 

Oh boy.

 

 

We get that you might have 1 or 2 warm & fuzzy thoughts about your AP. If you are doing the work & truly remorseful- 99% of your A thoughts should bring you to your knees in shame.

 

Moana, i can promise you, you will have another affair. If you don't get to the root of your issues (now) you will never be happy. You can not say "I miss AP sooooo much, our chats, our friendship.....in the same breath as "I love my husband" no, no, no! Uhg, your poor husband. This is not reconciliation, this is deceit al over again.

 

 

Flower, I like how you are telling me, I will have another affair, as if you are me or know me. I shared some things, but not enough for you to decide my fate. I'm sorry to tell you, but I do sometimes miss my AP and I have never stopped loving my husband. You don't have to like it, but it's how I feel. It doesn't have to make sense to you or be "wrong" it is how I feel.

 

 

I really think that when BS come and see what OW and OM are thinking and it bothers them so much because they know that to some extent their WH or WW have related on some level to these things.

 

 

If you read most of my posts I did say I've scheduled with a counselor, but I just think it's not fair for you to "promise" that I'm going to have another A or that I'll never be happy. I still have a family, and a great job and friends. In the past 2 and a half years since NC even when I have thought about my xAP or missed him, I have also gone on vacations, and to parties and concerts. I have drinks after work with the girls, and camp with friends. I'm still happy.

[Iamhisflower]

And I'm sure in the 5 years you were cheating, you had friends, went to concerts, vacations and out with the girls. Not much has changed, has it?

 

Wonder how "happy" your hubby has been for the past 2 years? Or how happy he would be knowing how much you miss listening to AP play his guitar?!

 

Of course I'm "bothered" that's where you and I greatly differ. I feel horrible for your husband.

[DKT3]

Flower, I like how you are telling me, I will have another affair, as if you are me or know me. I shared some things, but not enough for you to decide my fate. I'm sorry to tell you, but I do sometimes miss my AP and I have never stopped loving my husband. You don't have to like it, but it's how I feel. It doesn't have to make sense to you or be "wrong" it is how I feel.

 

 

I really think that when BS come and see what OW and OM are thinking and it bothers them so much because they know that to some extent their WH or WW have related on some level to these things.

 

 

If you read most of my posts I did say I've scheduled with a counselor, but I just think it's not fair for you to "promise" that I'm going to have another A or that I'll never be happy. I still have a family, and a great job and friends. In the past 2 and a half years since NC even when I have thought about my xAP or missed him, I have also gone on vacations, and to parties and concerts. I have drinks after work with the girls, and camp with friends. I'm still happy.

 

Infidelity isn't an isolated incident, it's the apex of a lifestyle, a mindset. When someone engages in Infidelity it's really business as usual for them on the biggest stage.

 

So when a wayward spouse comes here who has shown clearly not changed the mindset of behavior then it's obvious another affair or continued behavior is likely.

 

I believe you do love your husband and value your marriage....Just not enough to dig deeper and make true change, change that would see you be willing to share the real you with him, the willingness to be truly venerable.

[Iamhisflower]

Forgot to mention I think it's great that you have decide to talk this out in IC.

 

I know you don't see it, but theses feeling after 2 years really make you vulnerable to AP. We see it all the time.

[BluesPower]

TRUE remorse & reconciliation (through IC) mean you 100% get that everything about the A/AP was wrong. Period

 

Oh boy.

 

We get that you might have 1 or 2 warm & fuzzy thoughts about your AP. If you are doing the work & truly remorseful- 99% of your A thoughts should bring you to your knees in shame.

 

Moana, i can promise you, you will have another affair. If you don't get to the root of your issues (now) you will never be happy. You can not say "I miss AP sooooo much, our chats, our friendship.....in the same breath as "I love my husband" no, no, no! Uhg, your poor husband. This is not reconciliation, this is deceit al over again.

 

If I had a dollar for every time I have heard this. Every time I felt this.

 

Iamhisflower - This is a great post. Good for you.

 

OP - Do you realize that everything in an affair is not real, it is fantasy. I know it takes a while to get over it, but you have to realize that.

 

Your husband is still hurting so much, in a way that you will never understand and you are still thinking of your OM. .

 

You understand all the basics by now. If your OM really loved you he would be with you come hell or high water.

 

But for your husband, Hell and High Water came and he is still with you.

 

Please love him or divorce him, do that for him...