I miss him so much

[cloche]

Moana, I do not understand how it is possible for you to truly love both men simultaneously. Not if we mean the same thing by the word 'love', that is. Especially since, as you say elsewhere, you "love deeply".

 

For me, deeply loving my spouse would in and of itself prevent me from entering into an affair in the first place; not because it would not feel good to have an affair, but because to do so would necessarily involve knowingly harming the person I love. And this, whether or not I get caught.

 

For me, deeply loving my affair partner would necessitate seeking a path that eventually led to being with her always, and legitimately so; sharing our life together openly with our children, family, and friends. Or to put it another way (contrapositive): I could not live happily within the confines of an indefinite secret affair if I truly loved her.

 

But then I'm just a silly old romantic idealist - what do I know about loving deeply?

 

Moana, it seems to me that you are 'split' - google Dr Emily Brown's description of the split self - only giving part of yourself to each man, who in turn only experiences part of you. That's not what I call love.

 

If so, then unless you knuckle down and do the work to resolve this inner split that lies deep down within you, I too believe, like others here, that you will never experience what it feels like to live authentically, will never truly be happy, and as such, will continue to remain vulnerable to future affairs.

[somanymistakes]

It is possible to love more than one person. That is not what makes an affair such a betrayal.

 

If you are lying and hiding your true self from your husband, if you are putting an innocent spouse and children in danger from your activities (sleeping around is endangering others), etc - these are the worst things.

[ladydesigner]

Flower, I like how you are telling me, I will have another affair, as if you are me or know me. I shared some things, but not enough for you to decide my fate. I'm sorry to tell you, but I do sometimes miss my AP and I have never stopped loving my husband. You don't have to like it, but it's how I feel. It doesn't have to make sense to you or be "wrong" it is how I feel.

 

 

I really think that when BS come and see what OW and OM are thinking and it bothers them so much because they know that to some extent their WH or WW have related on some level to these things.

 

 

If you read most of my posts I did say I've scheduled with a counselor, but I just think it's not fair for you to "promise" that I'm going to have another A or that I'll never be happy. I still have a family, and a great job and friends. In the past 2 and a half years since NC even when I have thought about my xAP or missed him, I have also gone on vacations, and to parties and concerts. I have drinks after work with the girls, and camp with friends. I'm still happy.

 

I am reading a lot of defensiveness from this post. I'm not sure how long it has been since the A ended and NC was established but if these feelings still come up 2 years later yes there is a problem with thinking about your xAP and it is wrong on many levels. It's one thing months or a year but YEARS no.

 

Moana if your H were to have an A where feelings of love were expressed and then he ended it and you found out 6 months later that he was still pining for the AP how would you REALLY feel about it?

[freengreen]

I am reading a lot of defensiveness from this post. I'm not sure how long it has been since the A ended and NC was established but if these feelings still come up 2 years later yes there is a problem with thinking about your xAP and it is wrong on many levels. It's one thing months or a year but YEARS no.

 

Moana if your H were to have an A where feelings of love were expressed and then he ended it and you found out 6 months later that he was still pining for the AP how would you REALLY feel about it?

i was thinking about the exact thing just an hour ago when i almost typed something to ex AP after 2 months nc... what was i thinking???.. well i snapped. Gosh its really hard to have control all the time.

 

Moana, if you feel this way after 2 yrs!.. how strong did you feel when NC was raw???.. Have the feelings not subsided at all? or is it that flash phase. Like ladydesigner said, I think subconciously you have been nurturing these feelings over AP, else 2 yrs is a reasonable time for feelings to fade given their own course. Hope you get rid of them sooner.

[freengreen]

It is possible to love more than one person. That is not what makes an affair such a betrayal.

 

If you are lying and hiding your true self from your husband, if you are putting an innocent spouse and children in danger from your activities (sleeping around is endangering others), etc - these are the worst things.

 

I could have typed this myself. You put it much better thou. * thumbs up*

[DKT3]

It is possible to love more than one person. That is not what makes an affair such a betrayal.

 

If you are lying and hiding your true self from your husband, if you are putting an innocent spouse and children in danger from your activities (sleeping around is endangering others), etc - these are the worst things.

 

The problem is the second happens before the first...The lying, flat out or by omission, risking the health and well being of those that you love and depend on you all happen long before love for the AP enters the picture....Which only leaves selfish behavior and poor boundaries. That doesn't end because one stops physically seeing someone outside of thier commitment.

[moana]

Reading what I posted earlier to Flower does sound defensive, but when I read what she put I guess I felt a little attacked. I'm really trying to appreciate all the feedback here. Ok, so maybe someone can answer just this one question for me. When should I be completely over ever missing my xAP? We had an A for 5 and a half years... We have been NC for 2 and a half years. I have not missed him every single day the past 2 and a half years... most of the time when something reminds me of him I quickly dismiss him and go on with my life. He was a big part of my life for a long time... and truth be told he wrote me a song and played his guitar one time, so it wasn't a regular thing that I miss, just a good memory. Like I have said before, I have goggled and researched how long it takes to get over a break up... it usually says about half the time of the relationship but everyone is different. So please to everyone who says after 2 years something is wrong with me... when then, when is my magic date of expiration when he wont be something I once in a while miss when I think of him.

[DKT3]

Reading what I posted earlier to Flower does sound defensive, but when I read what she put I guess I felt a little attacked. I'm really trying to appreciate all the feedback here. Ok, so maybe someone can answer just this one question for me. When should I be completely over ever missing my xAP? We had an A for 5 and a half years... We have been NC for 2 and a half years. I have not missed him every single day the past 2 and a half years... most of the time when something reminds me of him I quickly dismiss him and go on with my life. He was a big part of my life for a long time... and truth be told he wrote me a song and played his guitar one time, so it wasn't a regular thing that I miss, just a good memory. Like I have said before, I have goggled and researched how long it takes to get over a break up... it usually says about half the time of the relationship but everyone is different. So please to everyone who says after 2 years something is wrong with me... when then, when is my magic date of expiration when he wont be something I once in a while miss when I think of him.

 

It's not about a time limit, it's about changing your behavior and mindset, about digging for reasons that you felt this was OK.

 

You're not doing the right things, just because you stopped having sex doesn't mean much in terms of gaining or regaining intamicy in your marriage. You still can't get honest with your husband, you are still protecting your affair, still have not made the decision to end it.

 

What I get from reading this, is your a woman looking to maintain her marriage and not Improve it.

[DKT3]

I also want to point out that you originally posted "NOT a day goes by that I don't think about him"

 

I'm not pointing this out in a call you out kind of way, but to help you understand why we conclude the things we do in your situation

[moana]

It's not about a time limit, it's about changing your behavior and mindset, about digging for reasons that you felt this was OK.

 

You're not doing the right things, just because you stopped having sex doesn't mean much in terms of gaining or regaining intamicy in your marriage. You still can't get honest with your husband, you are still protecting your affair, still have not made the decision to end it.

 

What I get from reading this, is your a woman looking to maintain her marriage and not Improve it.

 

Hahah awesome, thanks for your expert opinion DKT3.

 

 

Having a make believe A in my head, best stuff I've read yet!!

 

 

I'm going to see my counselor on Tuesday... but yes defiantly a woman looking to maintain her marriage and not improve it.

 

 

You are a keeper DKT3!!

[whichwayisup]

Reading what I posted earlier to Flower does sound defensive, but when I read what she put I guess I felt a little attacked. I'm really trying to appreciate all the feedback here. Ok, so maybe someone can answer just this one question for me. When should I be completely over ever missing my xAP? We had an A for 5 and a half years... We have been NC for 2 and a half years. I have not missed him every single day the past 2 and a half years... most of the time when something reminds me of him I quickly dismiss him and go on with my life. He was a big part of my life for a long time... and truth be told he wrote me a song and played his guitar one time, so it wasn't a regular thing that I miss, just a good memory. Like I have said before, I have goggled and researched how long it takes to get over a break up... it usually says about half the time of the relationship but everyone is different. So please to everyone who says after 2 years something is wrong with me... when then, when is my magic date of expiration when he wont be something I once in a while miss when I think of him.

 

Because when you miss him it seems so fresh, like yesterday and like you're still pining for him, enough that it's a problem and you're posting about it. However you are dealing with this or how you didn't grieve and let go enough 2 years ago, it isn't working now. Fact that you refuse to open up to your husband that you're struggling in fear of hurting him - But you're only hurting yourself more by allowing the wallow at times of missing exAP. Focus more on the pain of your husband and what you put him through rather than missing what you once had and the memories. Your H and your future counts MORE than past affair/exAP.

 

Do counseling, learn to cope with this in a healthier and better way.

[DKT3]

Hahah awesome, thanks for your expert opinion DKT3.

 

 

Having a make believe A in my head, best stuff I've read yet!!

 

 

I'm going to see my counselor on Tuesday... but yes defiantly a woman looking to maintain her marriage and not improve it.

 

 

You are a keeper DKT3!!

 

How is it make believe? It's very real, were it make believe you would not think about him every day.

 

You can be as condescending as you like, but were you looking to improve your marriage it would include being open and honest. It's totally delusional to think you can improve and continue to hide. Thus two years later you are still thinking about him every day. Same input creates the same output

[moana]

My xAP was a police officer so when I'm in our small town and see police pulling someone over, or an accident with police I think of him.... So when I say not a day goes by, it's not like I'm waking up and pining over him if that makes sense... it's just at some point in my day somethung will remind me of him. Other than the last week, I am pretty good at dismissing the thought of him.

 

With that said, I'm curious DKT3 you say to me that after 2 years I need to change my thought process... so I'm wondering if after 2 years of posting on LS and constantly reading and posting on Infedelity and OM OW forums, does that also fall somewhat in the catigory of thought process. Have you healed and if so is this part of the healing process? How does it help? Would it help me not think about my xAP to try and comment and give my thoughts to others dealing with this? If so for how long? I feel if this is what I did it would be a big part of my life, and the A would ALWAYS be on the mind... how does that work?

 

I'm not trying to be condescending, I'm trying to understand how you can call me out when you also seem to dwell in this situation by reading and commenting on a lot of A posts.

 

Am I totally off?

[ladydesigner]

It's not about a time limit, it's about changing your behavior and mindset, about digging for reasons that you felt this was OK.

 

You're not doing the right things, just because you stopped having sex doesn't mean much in terms of gaining or regaining intamicy in your marriage. You still can't get honest with your husband, you are still protecting your affair, still have not made the decision to end it.

 

What I get from reading this, is your a woman looking to maintain her marriage and not Improve it.

 

Moana you should read and re-read this post^^^^ It is not fair to your BS that you still look back at this A fondly. I'm sure your BS would think there is nothing fond about it. Have you read any books on infidelity especially 'Not Just Friends' and 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair'? They are really good books!

 

I think the reason you still think of your xAP is because of what you say:

When should I be completely over ever missing my xAP? We had an A for 5 and a half years...

 

At some point you should feel indifferent to your xAP, that means no feelings not love or hate. That is what you should strive for.

 

I have always liked the car accident analogy where a person has a great time drinking but that drinking leads to a car accident. Do you think of the good time drinking forever?

[DKT3]

My xAP was a police officer so when I'm in our small town and see police pulling someone over, or an accident with police I think of him.... So when I say not a day goes by, it's not like I'm waking up and pining over him if that makes sense... it's just at some point in my day somethung will remind me of him. Other than the last week, I am pretty good at dismissing the thought of him.

 

With that said, I'm curious DKT3 you say to me that after 2 years I need to change my thought process... so I'm wondering if after 2 years of posting on LS and constantly reading and posting on Infedelity and OM OW forums, does that also fall somewhat in the catigory of thought process. Have you healed and if so is this part of the healing process? How does it help? Would it help me not think about my xAP to try and comment and give my thoughts to others dealing with this? If so for how long? I feel if this is what I did it would be a big part of my life, and the A would ALWAYS be on the mind... how does that work?

 

I'm not trying to be condescending, I'm trying to understand how you can call me out when you also seem to dwell in this situation by reading and commenting on a lot of A posts.

 

Am I totally off?

 

Both my wife and I are here to help, not all members here are in the midst of affairs or the immediate aftermath. Some of use are years or decades out.

 

I'm healed, if not I would have never remarried her....But this thing never goes away, we can't change that, it's all in how you choose to live with it.

[aileD]

Both my wife and I are here to help, not all members here are in the midst of affairs or the immediate aftermath. Some of use are years or decades out.

 

I'm healed, if not I would have never remarried her....But this thing never goes away, we can't change that, it's all in how you choose to live with it.

 

Also it is part of healthy healing to help others that were once in your shoes.

[malvern99]

Reading what I posted earlier to Flower does sound defensive, but when I read what she put I guess I felt a little attacked. I'm really trying to appreciate all the feedback here. Ok, so maybe someone can answer just this one question for me. When should I be completely over ever missing my xAP? We had an A for 5 and a half years... We have been NC for 2 and a half years. I have not missed him every single day the past 2 and a half years... most of the time when something reminds me of him I quickly dismiss him and go on with my life. He was a big part of my life for a long time... and truth be told he wrote me a song and played his guitar one time, so it wasn't a regular thing that I miss, just a good memory. Like I have said before, I have goggled and researched how long it takes to get over a break up... it usually says about half the time of the relationship but everyone is different. So please to everyone who says after 2 years something is wrong with me... when then, when is my magic date of expiration when he wont be something I once in a while miss when I think of him.

 

Nothing happens by itself. There is no magic date of expiration if you are not actively putting the necessary work in, and believe me, it is work... hard work. The only way to succeed is to be 100% honest with yourself in your quest to find out why you had the A (protip, you had the A for internal reasons, not for external ones like my spouse did or didn't do this or that for me). That is not a one day journey. It is a process that takes time and effort. I've seen it likened to peeling an onion. Every time you think you've found an answer, ask yourself why again, until you get to the root issue.

 

One of the indicators that you are on the right path is how you view the A, because when a person is doing the hard work, it changes their thought patterns among other things. What once was viewed as a fun, exciting love filled time now gets put into its proper context. How can something be fun and exciting when it destroys the ones you love? I'll bet you DDay and the weeks and months that followed were no picnic. You had a front row seat to your spouse's pain upon discovery, and you know what caused him the pain. So the question then is, how can you miss someone who actively helped you bring that kind of pain into your life? Is the pain forgotten?

 

You keep denying the A is still going on, but I understand why people say it. Yes, you may be NC with the AP (and that's a good thing), but as long as he lives in your head, the A is not truly over. It's like you are still carrying a torch for him by reliving the "good" memories in your head, and you just leave yourself vulnerable to him. What would you have done if he had reached out to you the day before you first posted this thread? As long as you are vulnerable, you can't be a safe spouse. The only way to kill it once and forever is through 100% honesty to yourself and your spouse, accountability, and finding your why. Once you find your why and address it, you are no longer vulnerable and that is when you become safe. Good luck.

[freengreen]

Moana, I am in wait for that magic date too... but I have been through it once already ( same person, same nc) so for me it took 6 months to get over a 4 month EA .... horrible yes. But it did happen. I had come to terms that I have my own life and I aint wasting on it. But deep inside I still wished we were together. I moved on because I HAD TO , not because i felt bad about my husband.

 

Now comes the irony, he came back begging... I took him back. Rinse , repeat. This time everything except one thing is same... I want to move on and hold on to the love I have for my husband and vice versa. To sort out any insecurities in me and any issues in my family. The goal is different now. It hurts the same thou, the NC. But this time, I already feel that I aint gonna take him back. Well, he has an ego the size of a mountain, he might not come back at all. Good for everyone.

[wmacbride]

There is no expiration date for mourning, but when it starts to interfere with there areas in your life, when it's making it difficult to function, when spend time thinking about the person and it's taking time away from other areas of your life, it's a problem.

 

Just an observation, but sometimes holding on to the past can be a way of avoiding current issues.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Moana, I am in wait for that magic date too... but I have been through it once already ( same person, same nc) so for me it took 6 months to get over a 4 month EA ....

 

Now comes the irony, he came back begging... I took him back. Rinse , repeat.

 

Pardon the thread jump, but are you saying he came back in 6 months or when?

 

This is one of my lingering curiosities of NC: everyone says they all come back. In my case I find it so hard to believe since it seems xMM gave me up so easily (my perspective anyway)--autoresponder on my email account that said my account was disabled and, poof, he made no further effort.

 

Wondering...do they really ALL come back? How to know the difference between those who do and those who don't? Maybe I'll start a thread on this. :-/

[moana]

I can agree with a lot of this. Again I'm grateful for all the feed back. DKT3 I do think that's good that you and your wife are in a place you can possibly give insight and help others going through something similar.

 

 

I feel like the day I posted on here, I was already stressed out that I had been thinking of him so much. Then as the days have passed I'm kinda back to eh eff him and really dismissing thoughts of him. But coming back to read comments sucks me into it.... not so much dwelling in the thoughts of him, but dealing with what was going on with me.

 

 

I think I'm ready to move forward now

[Confused48]

Mona - if you have been on this forum for two years, it might be time to take a break. I can see you are getting lots of good advice here and are sometimes taking heed of that advice but this place can also make you stuck.

 

I'm not saying everyone here that long is stuck. Obviously a lot of the long time posters here are beyond their affairs and here to help others. You are here seeking help and after two years it may just be like continually reopening the wound.

[freengreen]

Pardon the thread jump, but are you saying he came back in 6 months or when?

 

This is one of my lingering curiosities of NC: everyone says they all come back. In my case I find it so hard to believe since it seems xMM gave me up so easily (my perspective anyway)--autoresponder on my email account that said my account was disabled and, poof, he made no further effort.

 

Wondering...do they really ALL come back? How to know the difference between those who do and those who don't? Maybe I'll start a thread on this. :-/

yeah he came back after 6 months.. when i was doing fine without him. I was like " yes!.. look he came back for me!".. little did I know for what... He is very clever guy on how to play me... in 3 weeks I was a puppet again stroking his ego over and over again. By the time I realise that I actually lost when he came back, I was deep in pain. I wanted to end it and the D Day happened. I doubt he is going to come back this time thou.

 

As much as it feels sad that your AP gave up on you without trying, you actually have been saved. Take it from me.

[Chica80]

OP. I think sometimes advice can be great and sometimes not so much.

 

The thing that will help you the most is getting professional help IC from someone who has no bias and can help you get to the root of your issues, and deal with these feelings and thoughts in a safe healthy manner.

[Bittersweetie]

My xAP was a police officer so when I'm in our small town and see police pulling someone over, or an accident with police I think of him.... So when I say not a day goes by, it's not like I'm waking up and pining over him if that makes sense... it's just at some point in my day somethung will remind me of him. Other than the last week, I am pretty good at dismissing the thought of him.

 

With that said, I'm curious DKT3 you say to me that after 2 years I need to change my thought process... so I'm wondering if after 2 years of posting on LS and constantly reading and posting on Infedelity and OM OW forums, does that also fall somewhat in the catigory of thought process. Have you healed and if so is this part of the healing process? How does it help? Would it help me not think about my xAP to try and comment and give my thoughts to others dealing with this? If so for how long? I feel if this is what I did it would be a big part of my life, and the A would ALWAYS be on the mind... how does that work?

 

I'm not trying to be condescending, I'm trying to understand how you can call me out when you also seem to dwell in this situation by reading and commenting on a lot of A posts.

 

Am I totally off?

 

I'd like to comment on this as a fWW who has posted here for now over 6.5 years.

 

I am not here to dwell. Not on the A, not on the xAP. I am here because healing from an affair - I feel both as a WS and a BS - is a journey, not a destination. While I have done a lot of hard work on myself and my marriage, there is always something more to learn. To think that I was "done" or "fixed" would be silly and also probably make me vulnerable again to the same choices. It may be unbelievable, but even seven years after my d-day I am still learning something new about relationships and people from this site that help me better understand myself and my marriage.

 

Also, I hope to help people who were in the same situation as I was. Or even better, try to encourage people to not even make the choices I made. But I understand that sometimes, the people that may ask for help yet aren't ready to listen. That is okay, I have been there. I hope this thread has given you, Moana, some talking points to take to your counselor and think about.

 

Good luck.