Can this work?

[Animinx]

Ok so I've been with my ldb for nearly 8 months. He lives in Canada, I'm in Australia. He's my first long distance relationship. He's 24 and still a virgin. I'm 26 and not a virgin. Our relationship was typical when we first met. There was a lot of lust and Skype camming when we first met when we weren't hanging out watching movies etc. Amazing, fun and very sexual, I felt very desired and wanted during the honeymoon faze which lasted about four months. Then we started to get serious and started planning to meet. The sexual side died down quite a bit but romantically our relationship has grown. I'm currently still planning my first trip to Canada to meet him. (Keeping in mind that the first few months we were dating he had somewhat a lot of privacy. He still lives at home, but he was staying in a cottage adjacent to his parents home. But recently had to move back into their house. So the privacy has dropped to almost no privacy.)

 

My bfs behaviour has changed drastically.. About four months ago my bf really started losing interest in skyping to have 'cam sex' and basically doing anything sexual with me. Doesn't like receiving nudes or sexting but he does occasionally lightly flirt.

 

He told me he was bored one time during the middle of a 'sex' session, which resulted in me getting quite upset and having to leave for a bit. We spoke about it after and he apologised etc but I can't help but think about that all the time now and it feel like its because I'm not attractive enough. He says that he does find me stunningly beautiful and attractive but it feels like a chore and that it takes forever. Including the fact that someone could walk in at any moment so it's annoying and he can't enjoy himself anyway. He tells me that he thinks about me romantically all the time. But does not think about me while masturbating. He says he masturbates to porn to get over the feeling quickly. 'No intimacy attached just so he can come and it's over'. But then never initiates anything sexual with me.

 

I understand he has little to no privacy and he doesn't want to start something h can't finish but he doesn't even seem sexually frustrated at all. He talks a lot about our future and about having kids etc which is a great sign but I can't help but think he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. Am I wrong to think that he should at least desire me sexually? I've never dated a virgin before this guy so maybe it's just inexperience in the physical world that doesn't help him understand why I am so frustrated. Plus it doesn't help that he is always making remarks about hot girls he sees on tv/movies etc. And gets frustrated and embarrassed when he sees that I am uncomfortable with that, but only because he doesn't say the same stuff about me at all really. I wouldn't care if our sexual relationship was more existent. Being a virgin he thinks sex is very taboo and doesn't understand why everyone enjoys it or why it's important. It's more just wanting to feel desired by him more then anythin.

 

I just don't understand the drastic change. He does seem quite stressed and depressed though because he's going though a few changes in his life. He wants to get a proper job and get his own place on top of wanting to apply for uni this year. Plus he's stressed about being prepared for my first visit. I just hate that I make him stressed out. The thing is everything else about our relationship is amazing, he is loving and caring. We never fight and we are always honest and open about everything and I trust him. We have so much fun together and he really does make me happy. I just want to know his behaviour is normal for our situation and I should just stay strong till we can meet and start a real physical relationship together and not worry just yet about our sexual chemistry. Please let me know what you all think and if you have any suggestions to pull through this.

[GunslingerRoland]

You guys live almost as far away from each other as possible, he's just now thinking about starting university... who is moving where? Or is this relationship just going to go on like this indefinitely? He's getting bored of it, and understandably so.

 

But even with that, if he doesn't seem that attracted to you, and you haven't even met yet, how much more do you want to invest into this relationship?

 

Why not find someone closer?

[Music13]

Maybe you should just both wait to see each other in real before having "online sex". It's not the same in real and he is a virgin. Maybe he just wants to do things properly.

I too am in a LDR. We did had close moments together before meeting but it stopped when he told me he wanted to do things as it would be in real. He didn't want to force anything and he wanted to wait until we did it in real before thinking of sexting etc.

If it's your first LDR, I think you should take it into consideration. Things are different than in real life. Don't force anything. If he isn't comfortable with doing it, don't mention it. It's normal to be frustrated but you cannot force someone to do things he doesn't want.

It probably has nothing to do with you, nor the way you look, nor the attraction he has for you.

And if after a while, you're completely unhappy with it, then you know what you have to do. LDR are challenging. This is not the only frustration you'll have. You have to ask yourself if it's what you really want and if it's what you're ready to do for him.

[stillafool]

It sounds like he is looking at you more of a best friend than a gf. IDK it would seem him being a virgin that sex would be one of his top interests. Are there other girls where he is and do you think he has attraction to one of them? Something is up that's for sure.

[Animinx]

It sounds like he is looking at you more of a best friend than a gf. IDK it would seem him being a virgin that sex would be one of his top interests. Are there other girls where he is and do you think he has attraction to one of them? Something is up that's for sure.

 

Yes I have felt that before and even mentioned how I was feeling, he says that he loves me more then a friend and we constantly talk about our future and how we're going to live our lives together. I plan on moving to Canada on either a working or studying visa. I just want to meet him first of course. Everything is the same in our relationship it's just sexually he has gone cold. I want to trust him that there is no one else he is talking to, he promises there isn't. He just says that he is bored of 'camming' that it's hit it's peak. I think it is because he wants me there with him And that he can't really do much sexually with with his family around.

[Animinx]

You guys live almost as far away from each other as possible, he's just now thinking about starting university... who is moving where? Or is this relationship just going to go on like this indefinitely? He's getting bored of it, and understandably so.

 

But even with that, if he doesn't seem that attracted to you, and you haven't even met yet, how much more do you want to invest into this relationship?

 

Why not find someone closer?

 

I understand what you are saying, I just feel that lack of intimacy really is the biggest issue we have, you can really only get to know someone so much online until you hit a wall because physically intimacy is the next step in a relationship and you need to be physically close. Not just about sex I mean, but just being with the person day to day. I'm planning on meeting him middle of feb, so next month so we don't have to wait much longer. Then we have spoken about me moving to Canada to work or study sometime in the next year. He says he is attracted to me it's just he wants me rl not online. I think he gets frustrated that he cannot actually touch me etc when just having online 'sex' so he'd rather not feel frustrated and bored so he avoids it. But just doesn't know how to say that to me.

[foxgener]

Ok so I've been with my ldb for nearly 8 months. He lives in Canada, I'm in Australia. He's my first long distance relationship. He's 24 and still a virgin. I'm 26 and not a virgin. Our relationship was typical when we first met. There was a lot of lust and Skype camming when we first met when we weren't hanging out watching movies etc. Amazing, fun and very sexual, I felt very desired and wanted during the honeymoon faze which lasted about four months. Then we started to get serious and started planning to meet. The sexual side died down quite a bit but romantically our relationship has grown. I'm currently still planning my first trip to Canada to meet him. (Keeping in mind that the first few months we were dating he had somewhat a lot of privacy. He still lives at home, but he was staying in a cottage adjacent to his parents home. But recently had to move back into their house. So the privacy has dropped to almost no privacy.)

 

My bfs behaviour has changed drastically.. About four months ago my bf really started losing interest in skyping to have 'cam sex' and basically doing anything sexual with me. Doesn't like receiving nudes or sexting but he does occasionally lightly flirt.

 

He told me he was bored one time during the middle of a 'sex' session, which resulted in me getting quite upset and having to leave for a bit. We spoke about it after and he apologised etc but I can't help but think about that all the time now and it feel like its because I'm not attractive enough. He says that he does find me stunningly beautiful and attractive but it feels like a chore and that it takes forever. Including the fact that someone could walk in at any moment so it's annoying and he can't enjoy himself anyway. He tells me that he thinks about me romantically all the time. But does not think about me while masturbating. He says he masturbates to porn to get over the feeling quickly. 'No intimacy attached just so he can come and it's over'. But then never initiates anything sexual with me.

 

I understand he has little to no privacy and he doesn't want to start something h can't finish but he doesn't even seem sexually frustrated at all. He talks a lot about our future and about having kids etc which is a great sign but I can't help but think he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. Am I wrong to think that he should at least desire me sexually? I've never dated a virgin before this guy so maybe it's just inexperience in the physical world that doesn't help him understand why I am so frustrated. Plus it doesn't help that he is always making remarks about hot girls he sees on tv/movies etc. And gets frustrated and embarrassed when he sees that I am uncomfortable with that, but only because he doesn't say the same stuff about me at all really. I wouldn't care if our sexual relationship was more existent. Being a virgin he thinks sex is very taboo and doesn't understand why everyone enjoys it or why it's important. It's more just wanting to feel desired by him more then anythin.

 

I just don't understand the drastic change. He does seem quite stressed and depressed though because he's going though a few changes in his life. He wants to get a proper job and get his own place on top of wanting to apply for uni this year. Plus he's stressed about being prepared for my first visit. I just hate that I make him stressed out. The thing is everything else about our relationship is amazing, he is loving and caring. We never fight and we are always honest and open about everything and I trust him. We have so much fun together and he really does make me happy. I just want to know his behaviour is normal for our situation and I should just stay strong till we can meet and start a real physical relationship together and not worry just yet about our sexual chemistry. Please let me know what you all think and if you have any suggestions to pull through this.

 

 

You are not dating. You haven't even met! You are living in a fantasy where you expect to get sexual gratification (online) and it got boring after a while. Simple.

[Animinx]

I understand what you are saying, I just feel that lack of intimacy really is the biggest issue we have, you can really only get to know someone so much online until you hit a wall because physically intimacy is the next step in a relationship and you need to be physically close. Not just about sex I mean, but just being with the person day to day. I'm planning on meeting him middle of feb, so next month so we don't have to wait much longer. Then we have spoken about me moving to Canada to work or study sometime in the next year. He says he is attracted to me it's just he wants me rl not online. I think he gets frustrated that he cannot actually touch me etc when just having online 'sex' so he'd rather not feel frustrated and bored so he avoids it. But just doesn't know how to say that to me.

 

Plus he has said a few times that if sex is what it's like when you cam together then he doesn't think it's that great. I've tried to explain how amazing sex really is rl but he obviously won't know until he's tried it rl. I'm trying to cut him some slack and relax until we meet rl because I feel everything's going to be much better and different then.

[RecentChange]

Would you move to Canada in the near future? Like within the next 12 months? Would he move to Australia in the same time period?

 

If not - a half way around the world long distance relationship is a waste of time.

 

Surely there are suitable men in your hemisphere.

[Animinx]

You are not dating. You haven't even met! You are living in a fantasy where you expect to get sexual gratification (online) and it got boring after a while. Simple.

 

You may not believe in 'Online Dating' but that does not matter as I do, and thousands of people are in LD relationships, so I believe in my relationship. I have been in a few relationships in my life and so far besides lack of physical intimacy, this has been the happiest and most fulfilling one yet. We are in a relationship and we are in love and we both believe it is worth it. I am simply trying to make sure that this behaviour is normal in a Long Distance relationship considering it is my first one.

[Animinx]

Would you move to Canada in the near future? Like within the next 12 months? Would he move to Australia in the same time period?

 

If not - a half way around the world long distance relationship is a waste of time.

 

Surely there are suitable men in your hemisphere.

 

 

I understand there are many men in my area that I could date. But I am in love with my boyfriend and I want this to work.

 

Yes I would like to move to Canada within the next year. I am visiting in February for a couple of weeks as you need to obviously visit the country before you can apply for a studying/working visa. We are constantly talking about and planning a goal to end up living together in the same country. We both want to make this work. I just want some advice on how to better maintain the frustration of lack of intimacy and making sure that everything is pretty normal for our situation.

[Animinx]

Maybe you should just both wait to see each other in real before having "online sex". It's not the same in real and he is a virgin. Maybe he just wants to do things properly.

I too am in a LDR. We did had close moments together before meeting but it stopped when he told me he wanted to do things as it would be in real. He didn't want to force anything and he wanted to wait until we did it in real before thinking of sexting etc.

If it's your first LDR, I think you should take it into consideration. Things are different than in real life. Don't force anything. If he isn't comfortable with doing it, don't mention it. It's normal to be frustrated but you cannot force someone to do things he doesn't want.

It probably has nothing to do with you, nor the way you look, nor the attraction he has for you.

And if after a while, you're completely unhappy with it, then you know what you have to do. LDR are challenging. This is not the only frustration you'll have. You have to ask yourself if it's what you really want and if it's what you're ready to do for him.

 

Thank you for your response, I am glad that I can talk to someone in a similar situation. I have been thinking a lot about the situation and I agree with you. I feel we should just wait until we can meet rl and experience things face to face. It seems to cause too much frustration and sadness trying to have it any other way, I think my boyfriend is worth the hard work and a little bit of patience. I agree that this has been the most challenging thing I have had to face so far in life. But I know all this waiting is going to be beneficial for us in the long run. Thank you for your advice.

[justwhoiam]

You may not believe in 'Online Dating'

You can date LD, but it'd imply that you at least know who the other person is and you've met in person at least once.

 

thousands of people are in LD relationships

Does that make you feel better? Thousands of people get catfished, but I wouldn't want to be among them. Your approach is a bit presumptuous and presumptive. You are writing in a LDR forum, and most of us are in a LDR, so not against it.

 

I believe in my relationship

Good luck.

 

I am simply trying to make sure that this behaviour is normal in a Long Distance relationship considering it is my first one.

I'm not sure there's a normality in a relationship. I can tell you what I think.

My random thoughts about what you wrote are the following.

Most guys have enough drive to pursue what they want. When a guy doesn't have that drive, you can see it in different aspects of his life. You can detect it. He's a virgin, and in itself it might not mean much. Like, he didn't meet the right girl. But there might be more to it. Like he doesn't have enough sexual drive. He doesn't have any curiosity, or not enough for the opposite sex. I don't know the guy, so it's just a feeling, but he might not have much enthusiasm, even regarding other things. And that would probably ruin the mood, like it already happened. You claim he's in love with you, but he didn't jump on a plane to come see you. Instead, you're planning to go where he lives to meet him, settling for zero effort on his part. And you'll also need to put in enough money to do so. It's like playing chess with yourself, what gives? But if that makes you happy and you are OK with moving all the pieces, knowing a part of you will lose anyway, then go on with it. When a "relationship" survives just because only one in the couple is making the effort, then you have your answers.

[Animinx]

So I had a discussion with my boyfriend today after finally having enough of the way I have been feeling. I put my foot down and simply asked him what was wrong with him lately.

 

He basically admitted that his attraction for me has faded quite a bit in the last maybe four months because of a picture I had sent him a few months back that he did not find me attractive in. I had taken a picture when I was on a holiday of me in a hotel. It was of my lower half (I was naked but wearing a top). He admitted that the whole time up until seeing that picture he had not seen my full body standing up and he was worried because he didn't find it attractive and that he felt there was something wrong with him. But for many months previously he would gush over my beauty and my body and whenever he saw me on cam (clothed or naked) he was completely interested and turned on by me. I guess I was laying down most of the time so the angle is much more appealing I don't really know.

 

This has completely shattered my self esteem and I even debated breaking up with him today as I don't think I can look at our relationship the same. I really don't want to spend the rest of the time till we meet being self conscious about what he has said.

 

He still wants me to come to Canada because he feels like he has seen this whole situation wrong, that he really does love me and wants to have a relationship with me. He told me he wants to see me in person and to make sure that all these feelings are just lack of intimacy and that the picture had just been morphed and gave off the wrong idea about my body as photos can sometimes do that. I will admit it made me look much shorter then I am rl. And it was not the best photo due to the quality lighting etc but still I feel very judged by him now as I have always had self esteem issues about my lower half. Keeping in mind I have lost about 50 kilos in the last two years so I have a little bit of cellulite and stretch marks but previous boyfriends have always said that I am gorgeous naked or not.

 

But his opinion has made me look at him in a different light now. He was really upset the whole time he was telling me all this, saying he hates that one little flaw of mine has put him off being sexual with me, and that the biggest issue is that he is very scared that when we meet he is not going to be attracted to me at all, me having spent so much energy and time to meet him, for him to just not be interested, breaking both of our hearts. He has even said that sex isn't important, that he could go his whole life without it. I have no idea what to do, I love this man with all my heart. But I guess I have never had a man point out my flaws like that before and I don't know if I can get past this. I am just feeling really depressed right now.

[SeenNotHeard]

Sorry to hear this OP. I would walk away. He sounds superficial IMO and the fact that one picture would have such an impact does not bode well for this relationship. Since he has had limited sexual experience might it be fair to assume he has his idea of how a women's body should be perfect like it is portrayed in many porn clips? It is hard having never really met but still your self-esteem has taken a big hit. I would walk. Sorry.

[Animinx]

Sorry to hear this OP. I would walk away. He sounds superficial IMO and the fact that one picture would have such an impact does not bode well for this relationship. Since he has had limited sexual experience might it be fair to assume he has his idea of how a women's body should be perfect like it is portrayed in many porn clips? It is hard having never really met but still your self-esteem has taken a big hit. I would walk. Sorry.

 

Thanks for your comment, after quite a few hours of thinking about everything I really do believe he just has this idea in his head of how women should look sexually because he has never actually been intimate with a woman before nor had a chance to experience it with someone he loves. For his whole life he has only had porn as a way of release. He does not associate sex with love, or with someone he loves, just women who are paid to look the way they do, for quick sexual satisfaction. Which I feel has affected him sexually. Apparently every girlfriend he has ever had he has had the same problem. He feels really upset that he has hurt me or that he has that 'shallow' opinion about women.

 

He says that he thinks everything about me really is stunningly beautiful but he just wants to see all of me in person. Which I can understand. This is really hard and I know a lot of people are going to think I am silly for doing this but I truly think I should stick this out. I want to give him the chance to see me in the flesh and show him what being in a relationship is really like. Not just sex, but every aspect. Because when you truly love someone and spend time with them. You know their flaws are there but you don't think about it. It doesn't matter. What he said hurt, but I think that now I understand more that we can fix this. I adore this man I just never realised how hard it is to date a virgin.

 

He is a virgin in many ways not just when it comes to sex. He is quite immature and doesn't really know how to handle a woman. He just has very little experience with women in general. Sometimes he just doesn't think about what he is saying. Pretty much every relationship he has ever had has been online. And they never met up. I truly believe we both deserve the chance to decide when we meet face to face how we really feel. Sex with someone you love is a completely different situation. And I feel this is the right thing to do. I love him and I don't want to leave. I am going to try to look past the things he has said and wait to make my final decision. This trip to Canada is going to be my first out of my country so it won't be a complete waste if we end up not staying together after we finally meet. I am excited to have this holiday but I will just have to wait it out. Thank you everyone for your advice. I will let you know how it goes after we meet.

[justwhoiam]

He rejected you. You want to force something that is starting on the wrong foot. You are underestimating rejection early on. There needs to be attraction for a love relationship to work, if you want to feel loved. Even with your flaws. At this point, you really sound desperate, to fly to the other side of the world to meet this guy who's meh about you. Do you value yourself so little?

[ExpatInItaly]

He's over it, OP.

 

You can justify or rationalize his lack of interest all you want, but he told you himself he's not really into it anymore. It's not because he's a virgin either. I would call it a day on this. Don't cling on when he's already walking out the door. You will wind up more hurt than you already are.

 

For the future, please don't go discussing love and kids and all of this before you have ever even met someone. It creates false intimacy and it's not a good sign. You need to keep some perspective and not get so attached prior to the first meeting, which is where you went wrong here, girl.

[5x5]

Well your long distance relationship with him, with respect to sex was little different than pornography. Absent actually meeting him in person and actually kissing him, having sex with him etc, there's no way you can develop any substantial physical connection.

 

Even if he wasn't a virgin, Skype sex versus real sex is certain to gets very old and very boring very quickly.

 

At the end of the day your efforts with him are largely complete waste of time. The best thing you could do is cut your losses and spend your time developing real sexual relationships, with people you can physically touch.

 

That said you seem determined to press on, so good luck.

[Chris516]

You are not dating. You haven't even met! You are living in a fantasy where you expect to get sexual gratification (online) and it got boring after a while. Simple.

That is saying that an LDR can't exist in any context.