9 months out. Still regretting the mistake.

[Parker12]

Hey Loveshack community. Just wanted to get some advice over this situation I'm in if anyone possibly has anything to say towards the matter. So, my most recent ex of mine broke up with me almost approaching 9 months ago now. I feel as if I would be feeling better towards this situation, maybe even completely over her by now, had I not done what I did when she broke up with me. I'm very ashamed to admit it, but after she broke up with me, I wouldn't really leave her alone about it. I don't think it ever got to the point of begging, but it did get to the point of really annoying her. It took me awhile to finally come to this point, but after a couple of weeks of trying to get her to tell me why she felt the way she did and if there was anything I could do to change it, I finally came to my senses and came to realize the terrible mistakes that I had made. The last thing I sent her was "I was sorry for how I had been acting recently. And if she really didn't want to hear from me, I was needing to respect that decision. I just hoped that she would remember the good times we had." She responded with, "I will remember the good times, and I always forgave you, but it's for the best that we go our separate ways." We've been completely NC ever since. Don't know if this is being worded right, but this is just the one thing that I can't seem to get over. The fact that I seemingly ruined any chance of us ever being friends or anything again in the future just because of some stupid choices that I made almost 9 MONTHS AGO. The relationship wouldn't have worked out between us. And I've actually seen that for myself since we've gone NC. What I can't seem to get over is the fact that I acted such a fool towards her. I wasn't acting myself at all. And it saddens me even more to think that I've probably ruined all chances of reconciling with an old friend. I'm absolutely tired of being sorry about it, though. And was hoping to maybe get some advice from anyone who has maybe gone through a similar situation as well. Anyone else make the mistake of being the clingy ex and had trouble with forgiving yourself? If so, how did you or what would you suggest doing to get over it? I'm having the hardest time with forgiving myself for it. (Sorry if this was a little all over the place and a little overemotional too. This was quite an emotional dump for me.)

[Offspring]

It sounds like you haven't really let go of her, and in order to move on, gain some clarity, and respect yourself (most importantly), you need to let go. Nine months NC does not mean you've let go, sorry.

 

I hope you can find the strength and deatchment to do this.

[Mr Scorpio]

Two things here:

 

First, you should forgive yourself for actions which you took under severe emotional duress. It would be one thing if you harmed someone. You didn't. You probably pleaded and asked and prodded and cajoled and asked again until she got annoyed. Ok. Your brain (not your "mind") was literally flooded with panicky-chemicals that made your heart race and likely kept you awake at night. Affirmative defense. Love makes people do stupid things.

 

Second, while it is understandable that you would lament the loss of a friendship, ask yourself is that is the real issue. Do you really think you could have a healthy friendship with her? One where you aren't constantly pining? Over-analyzing every little thing. Waiting for your opportunity to win her back? Would you be upset enough about it to post here if the answers were yes?

 

Sadly she is right. It does sound as though it is the best for you two to go your separate ways. Go NC. Regain your stability. Maybe in a year from now if/when you've truly moved on you can reassess the situation. Stay away for now.

[Parker12]

I'm definitely trying my best to let go of her. I know deep down that it's for the best. I have my good days and I have my bad days with it. When I posted this thread, I was in one of my really bad days. Maybe it's some ego problem I'm just needing to get over. I don't know. I'm just not getting over the shame of how I chose to act during it. Even if it can be explained by some sort of science about the chemical imbalance of my brain at the time. I hate that I have become a poor memory to someone I used to hold very dear to me and there's nothing I can really do about it. When I said sorry all those months ago, it just seemed to make her even more annoyed at me. So, no use in saying it now or anytime again soon. Maybe I'll never get the chance to send my sincerest regrets to her. That's a very troubling thought to me in and of itself. So, I guess I'm just really struggling right now with letting go of how I made such a fool of myself with this person and how much I really let myself go during it when I should have had better control over myself. Lessons learned and everything. But it's just hard I guess dealing with the fact that I messed everything up and things are now harder than they need to be between me and her because of some stupid mistakes that I made back in the day. I know that I should let go of it, but it's still just hard I guess. And it's the stage that I'm having the most trouble with getting past right now.