Qwertyqwerty Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 (edited) I've been in a relationship for 16 years, been married 6 months. Everything was great up until we came into money problems. We have always been open with each other. Anyway,we was on a night out with friends and there was a couple of men wed never met. My wife was talking with one then added him on Facebook, while we were still out, gone midnight (couldn't that of waited til the next day). It was brought up the next day. We both know each others passwords for social media so I decided to check what's been said. She had changed her password and wouldn't tell me. Should I suspect something or am I just being paranoid? Also when me and the wife text each other we put one kiss on the end,none if we're not happy but whenever she texts other men it's always 2. She puts 3 to a man I think she fancies and I thought that before I seen how she speaks with him by text. Thanks for your help Edited January 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and move to Infidelity forum Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 It has always been my motto that, people that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. My ex husband did that stuff to me all the time, never would let me TOUCH his phone, even slept with it in his pillowcase so I wouldn't grab it while he was sleeping. Needless to say, he was a serial cheater. When you are in a committed relationship with someone and they won't let you access their phone, or social media accounts, i find it a serious problem. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Whitestar Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Any sudden change in behavior especially if it involves secrecy or insistence on "privacy" I would find deeply troubling... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Qwertyqwerty Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 She insists she's not a flirt or a cheat. Even something which may seem petty (the kisses at the end of texts) she knows how I feel about this but just laughs and continues to do it. She says I need help and that I'm suffering from paranoia. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Yes you should be concerned. Question is what are you going to do? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Whitestar Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 (edited) She insists she's not a flirt or a cheat. Even something which may seem petty (the kisses at the end of texts) she knows how I feel about this but just laughs and continues to do it. She says I need help and that I'm suffering from paranoia. I believe thats called "gaslighting" - making you feel crazy for asking perfectly reasonable questions. Even if her behavior was completely harmless - which seems doubtful - she obviously doesn't care about your distress... which is bad. I think you have to tell her that this behavior has to stop or else... and be prepared to walk away from the relationship if she laughs in your face. Edited January 10, 2017 by Whitestar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whitestar Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I know when I started asking questions of my ex gf about why she had suddenly started hanging out with one of my best friends without me she managed to subtly make me feel like an awful crazy person. I went through several months thinking I was going nuts. Then she broke up with me and they were living together.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Qwertyqwerty Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 That's the thing which got me the most,I've told her how I feel and how much I still love her. She has said she doesn't feel the same as she used to but if I stop being paranoid and accusing her of things then maybe we can work it out. I expected more after being together for so long tbh. She doesn't seem fazed that the relationship could be over. Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I would be concerned. *insert Star Trek red alert sound here*. Time to have a conversation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whitestar Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 That's the thing which got me the most,I've told her how I feel and how much I still love her. She has said she doesn't feel the same as she used to but if I stop being paranoid and accusing her of things then maybe we can work it out. I expected more after being together for so long tbh. She doesn't seem fazed that the relationship could be over. In my limited experience, when someone who has been loving towards you for a long time suddenly and painfully becomes cold and distant and indifferent to your unhappiness, she has already moved onto someone else. She has transferred her loving feelings to him. You are at best a a ghost and at worst an annoyance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 No, no, nooooo... You don't tell her how much you love her. When she laughed in your face, that is when you should have told her to pack her stuff. Come on man!!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Unfortunately it's been my experience if your asking the question it's usually already too late. You may want to invest in a VAR. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 That's the thing which got me the most,I've told her how I feel and how much I still love her. She has said she doesn't feel the same as she used to but if I stop being paranoid and accusing her of things then maybe we can work it out. I expected more after being together for so long tbh. She doesn't seem fazed that the relationship could be over. Did she actually say you can work it out IF you stop accusing her of things? Do you feel you are accusing her or simply acting concerned and she's gaslighting you? You already have the password switch, her statement on her feelings, and her adding men to her Facebook while you are out and about together with her basically like her getting a guys number (blatant disrespect and boundary no no!) If a girl did that to me, I'd say "See you!" And walk. How much more do you need? Maybe it's time to call her out on her bluff as it also seems she's now hiding cards under the table as well. Yeah, it may hurt, but she's being dishonest. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whitestar Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 (edited) Most of us have been something similar and we know how horrible it is and how confused you are right now and how you dont want to believe its true but sadly it is... she doesn't love you anymore despite all your years and memories and all you can do is walk away. As I said, its horrible... Edited January 10, 2017 by Whitestar 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Qwertyqwerty Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 I think I should accept that it's over,as hard as that will be 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Money getting tight has nothing to do with your issue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I think I should accept that it's over,as hard as that will be I'm sorry that you're going through this but you have to keep things in perspective. If, in the first year of dating she was out collecting men'should phone numbers in your face and acting sneaky would you have stayed or saddled up and left Dodge? She might come back with the old retort of "You're controlling!" or "He won't let me have friends!" bUT that is b.s. in this case and dont let it bring you down if it happens. After all, how is she going to develop a true "friendship" with these opposite sex strangers she met when you were out and about? Meet up for dinners? Have long conversations? Catch movies? And do this at the expense of you two having this time? It defies logic and is grounds for an emotional affair and is deleterious given the totality of her words and sneaky actions. It's may hurt but be strong when you call her out. Don't be afraid to walk if need be. Link to post Share on other sites
Whitestar Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I'm sorry that you're going through this but you have to keep things in perspective. If, in the first year of dating she was out collecting men'should phone numbers in your face and acting sneaky would you have stayed or saddled up and left Dodge? She might come back with the old retort of "You're controlling!" or "He won't let me have friends!" bUT that is b.s. in this case and dont let it bring you down if it happens. After all, how is she going to develop a true "friendship" with these opposite sex strangers she met when you were out and about? Meet up for dinners? Have long conversations? Catch movies? And do this at the expense of you two having this time? It defies logic and is grounds for an emotional affair and is deleterious given the totality of her words and sneaky actions. It's may hurt but be strong when you call her out. Don't be afraid to walk if need be. Of course she will make you feel crazy and unreasonable when you do break up with her and she might attempt to make up with you when she sees you are serious but if you do it will only be kicking the can down the road for a few months or years. Best for you to end it now. At least you dont have kids... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Qwertyqwerty Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 We actually have 2 kids,prob should of mentioned that to begin with Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 On a side note. Why did it take you 15+ years to merry her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Qwertyqwerty Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 We always said we wouldn't get married unless we could really afford to. 16 years later we thought the time was right so set the date. It was a great day and Im glad we done it but since then everything seems to of gone wrong Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 We always said we wouldn't get married unless we could really afford to. 16 years later we thought the time was right so set the date. It was a great day and Im glad we done it but since then everything seems to of gone wrong You're kidding, right? It cost me $120 for the jp at the courthouse. You had 2 kids and couldn't commit to a certificate? She lost respect for you. At the end all she wanted was her White Dress Day. Once she got that, she changed. She has to own 100% of the infidelity but you have to own your baggage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 She insists she's not a flirt or a cheat. Even something which may seem petty (the kisses at the end of texts) she knows how I feel about this but just laughs and continues to do it. She says I need help and that I'm suffering from paranoia. It might be at the flirting stage and even only on her end but it's not good. I do not put kissy faces or anything remotely romantic to my male friends or business friends. It would be disrespectful to my husband and confuse my male acquaintances. Having been where your wife is now, she is in a bad place. You need to shut it down. She could be mad at you for making her wait 16 years and this is her way of showing power. Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Yes, kissyfaces are unacceptable for other friends. You should do what AliveAgain suggested and get a voice-activated recorder (VAR) to hide in her car. This will help you understand just how far she's gone with other men. If you ask her to be honest with you, she'll just deny it again and threaten that she'll grow more distant (really childish, disrespectful behavior by the way). Link to post Share on other sites
NHappy Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 I would be concerned. Even while going through a divorce I would provide my social network passwords to my husband. I wouldn't suggest snooping, though. Just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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