Is he not over her or is he just being nice?

[Gaeta]

The only reason I got involved in the first place was because he ended things with her. He told her he had fallen out of love with her and that all his romantic feelings for her had gone.

 

I was so sure he was over her because of that.

 

Is it likely his feelings for her returned then? Or did they truly never disappear in the first place?

 

Sometimes it's only when you lose something that you realized you had something special.

 

It looks like he regrets breaking up with her.

[d0nnivain]

It's kind of like buyer's remorse. Now that they are apart, he is looking back at that relationship more fondly. You looked like "greener grass" -- i.e. he had GIGS -- but now regrets the break up. Yet he does care about you. He wants both of you. He also can't bear to be the source of pain for her or you.

 

 

He's not going to stop chasing her. If she comes back, he will have to make a choice. If she doesn't, even if he stays with you, she will always be the one who got away & you will be the consolation prize.

[barcode88]

Honestly I'll be the unpopular opinion here and say his behavior IS perfectly normal.

 

You rushed into a relationship with him the second he broke up with her. I take it that you were also cheating with him while they were together.

 

He probably feels a lot of guilt (rightly so), and people usually take time to process break-ups. After I broke up with my Ex last year, I was in contact with her, and we saw each other a couple times. It can be a messy process for some people.

 

 

I would just avoid dating guys who are in relationships (don't cheat...), or when they just broke up with someone. Unless you want a purely physical relationship.

[Miss Peach]

It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I would be very wary if he's initiating THAT frequently. It sounds like he wants her back at some level.

[Ethereal]

Honestly I'll be the unpopular opinion here and say his behavior IS perfectly normal.

 

You rushed into a relationship with him the second he broke up with her. I take it that you were also cheating with him while they were together.

 

He probably feels a lot of guilt (rightly so), and people usually take time to process break-ups. After I broke up with my Ex last year, I was in contact with her, and we saw each other a couple times. It can be a messy process for some people.

 

 

I would just avoid dating guys who are in relationships (don't cheat...), or when they just broke up with someone. Unless you want a purely physical relationship.

 

I guess he did emotionally cheat, but we didn't do anything physically until after he ended it.

 

I agree that him needed to process the break up is to be expected considering we got together so quickly. I'm happy to accept that and let him work through his emotions.

 

Do you think that's all this could be, barcode88? Him simply processing the break up?

[barcode88]

I guess he did emotionally cheat, but we didn't do anything physically until after he ended it.

 

I agree that him needed to process the break up is to be expected considering we got together so quickly. I'm happy to accept that and let him work through his emotions.

 

Do you think that's all this could be, barcode88? Him simply processing the break up?

 

They could get back together. I won't lie I considered it after my last break-up.

 

His behavior isn't acceptable for the normal bounds of a relationship though, and may lead to you ending up hurt in the end. You have to decide if you're OK with that.

 

Also you have to decide if you're OK with telling him he can't see his EX to be with you.

 

 

This whole situation ends in more bad ways for you, than it does good ways.

[olivetree]

When there is overlap between two relationships or not enough time in between, there is almost certainly still feelings there.

And since he is constantly contacting her, and has a much longer history with her, those feelings are likely stronger than what he has for you.

 

The best thing to do would be to let him go.

Have more self-respect than holding on to a guy that still has feelings for another woman.

And there is even less chance that he will while you are making yourself an option.

You will only be upping your value... a value that he can't see while he is blinded by her.

[niji]

You can't demand that others do what you want them to do. He's an adult and not your child; hence you can't demand that he stops talking to his ex. You're well within your rights to demand respect, but I tend to think, if someone's heart is not with me, what does me forcing them to cease contact with another accomplish?

 

That leaves you one option, and that is to leave. After you leave, he may very well realize what he has lost. But I wouldn't want to be with a person who always looks for happiness somewhere outside of his relationship.

Edited February 8, 2017 by niji

[barcode88]

You can't demand that others do what you want them to do. He's an adult and not your child; hence you can't demand that he stops talking to his ex. You're well within your rights to demand respect, but I tend to think, if someone's heart is not with me, what does me forcing them to cease contact with another accomplish?

 

That leaves you one option, and that is to leave. After you leave, he may very well realize what he has lost. But I wouldn't want to be with a person who always looks for happiness somewhere outside of his relationship.

 

I disagree - she certainly can. He might break up with her, or resent her for it. Or if he values their relationship he will see his error and cut contact with his ex.

 

I just feel like the last option isn't very likely lol.

[Gaeta]

I disagree - she certainly can. He might break up with her, or resent her for it. Or if he values their relationship he will see his error and cut contact with his ex.

 

I just feel like the last option isn't very likely lol.

 

I think the difference is in the wording.

 

A) I want you to stop contacting your ex. That type of demands will only put a man on the defensive and you'll end up in a fight trowing passive aggressive comments at each other.

 

B) I prefer the approach of giving the man the choice. Example: I do not wish to have a BF that contacts his ex on daily basis. I am afraid I will have to move on and find myself a better suited BF. - That will have him start negotiating.

[Redhead14]

She simply makes a statement that is all about HER: "I am of the mindset that exes are exes and there is no reason to be in touch with them unless there are children involved. I am not in touch with any of my exes and would be more comfortable if you would do the same for me". And, then observe how he responds/deals with it. If he is concerned about her feelings and interested in keeping discord to at least a minimum going forward, he will stop doing that. If he dismisses her concern and/or doesn't stop reaching out to the ex, she ends it because they are not on the same page regarding these kinds of things. There is no ultimatum, no threats -- just expression of the concern and suggested resolution and then observation.

[TheTraveler]

Deep down I don't believe he is the kind of man to cheat. He's rather prude and moralistic. It took him a LONG time to leave his ex. He didn't make the decision lightly. It devastated him to break her heart.

 

Is it common for guys to have regrets months after they fell out of love with a woman... or for feelings to come back at all...?

 

I just hope what he is missing from her is his bond to her as a friend, not anything romantic.

 

'I don't think I could watch it without you.' That could be something that is said to a close friend with no romantic feelings, right?

 

He's missing that bond with her. Three years with her and 3 months with you? You're rebound girl and this relationship will not last

[Gaeta]

"I am of the mindset that exes are exes and there is no reason to be in touch with them unless there are children involved. I am not in touch with any of my exes and would be more comfortable if you would do the same for me".

 

I think something is missing in that statement. The missing part is to mention it's a deal breaker for her.

 

A lot of people make statements ' I am of the mindset that ...' and it's nowhere near meaning their relationship is in jeopardy for it.

 

Men don't read between lines. I am sure 1 man out of 2 wouldn't connect the dots that this is a make it or break it moment.

[rester]

I guess he did emotionally cheat...

 

and he still is.....

[Redhead14]

I think something is missing in that statement. The missing part is to mention it's a deal breaker for her.

 

A lot of people make statements ' I am of the mindset that ...' and it's nowhere near meaning their relationship is in jeopardy for it.

 

Men don't read between lines. I am sure 1 man out of 2 wouldn't connect the dots that this is a make it or break it moment.

 

No ultimatums . . . she needs to observe whether he accommodates her of his own will/volition. He may respond to an ultimatum just to keep her happy "in the moment" and when things calm down, he'll revert back to doing what he was doing before.

 

She keeps a mental note to herself that if he doesn't respond to her in a proactive way, she will end it.

 

If this guy doesn't realize that she is putting him on notice, he's an idiot and she's dodging a bullet anyway.

 

Men know that women don't appreciate it when their "committed" partner is carrying on a relationship with another woman in any way shape or form.

[Gaeta]

No ultimatums . . . she needs to observe whether he accommodates her of his own will/volition. He may respond to an ultimatum just to keep her happy "in the moment" and when things calm down, he'll revert back to doing what he was doing before.

 

She keeps a mental note to herself that if he doesn't respond to her in a proactive way, she will end it.

 

If this guy doesn't realize that she is putting him on notice, he's an idiot and she's dodging a bullet anyway.

 

Men know that women don't appreciate it when their "committed" partner is carrying on a relationship with another woman in any way shape or form.

 

Just for the sake of debating.

 

If a man told me he is of the mindset he prefers his GF not work for her ex (my case) I would conclude he does not like my position BUT I would not conclude it's a deal breaker. I would think he just verbalizing he is not too keen I work for my ex. If it's a deal breaker for him he'd better spell it out to me because I hate having to read between the lines and I am simply not good at it.

[Redhead14]

Just for the sake of debating.

 

If a man told me he is of the mindset he prefers his GF not work for her ex (my case) I would conclude he does not like my position BUT I would not conclude it's a deal breaker. I would think he just verbalizing he is not too keen I work for my ex. If it's a deal breaker for him he'd better spell it out to me because I hate having to read between the lines and I am simply not good at it.

 

It would be a heads up for me and would cause me to at least open a conversation to find out some specifics at least. I wouldn't just assume and dismiss as just "verbalizing" . He's verbalizing it for a reason -- he doesn't like it. It will fester or come to a head in some way if not addressed properly.

 

If he expresses a concern in a non-threatening way without an ultimatum, I will be open to discussing it further and finding a way for us both to come to terms with the situation. If he gave me an ultimatum, I'd tell HIM to hit the bricks because it demonstrates a lack of desire to work together, resolve issues between us, etc.

 

"I didn't know it was a dealbreaker" wouldn't cut it with me because if a person needs to be hit on the head like that in order to want to accommodate my needs or least discuss and compromise, I don't want them.

Edited February 8, 2017 by Redhead14

[Gaeta]

"I didn't know it was a dealbreaker" wouldn't cut it with me because if a person needs to be hit on the head like that in order to want to accommodate my needs or least discuss and compromise, I don't want them.

 

I don't call that being hit on the head, I call that being properly informed of what is at stake.

 

When my BF told me he didn't like my dog sleeping on my bed it never came across my mind this was huge to him.

 

He had to repeat it to me like 3 times before I stopped and asked: how important is this to you? and when he said it's 10/10 important and he would not be able to sleep over anymore THEN I asked OMG why didn't mention it was so important to you the first time??

 

He said something similar to you Redhead, that he makes a statement once or twice and if the person doesn't make a change then ...

 

Well that would have failed with me and we would have terminated a perfectly fine relationship because he wouldn't be totally honest with me at first. And all this because I could not gauge his discomfort with my dog sleeping on my bed.

[Redhead14]

I don't call that being hit on the head, I call that being properly informed of what is at stake.

 

When my BF told me he didn't like my dog sleeping on my bed it never came across my mind this was huge to him.

 

He had to repeat it to me like 3 times before I stopped and asked: how important is this to you? and when he said it's 10/10 important and he would not be able to sleep over anymore THEN I asked OMG why didn't mention it was so important to you the first time??

 

He said something similar to you Redhead, that he makes a statement once or twice and if the person doesn't make a change then ...

 

Well that would have failed with me and we would have terminated a perfectly fine relationship because he wouldn't be totally honest with me at first. And all this because I could not gauge his discomfort with my dog sleeping on my bed.

 

People don't mention something they don't like without expecting/hoping something will change. To me it would be very obvious . . . he doesn't like it when the dog is on my bed. If I don't keep the dog off the bed, he's not going to be getting happier about it, that's for sure. I don't want to see what the consequence would be. He told you something that made him unhappy or that upsets him, it shouldn't matter what the "degree" of upsetment is.

[olivetree]

I think you two are debating something different than what the OP is discussing.

In most cases, preferences should be stated with some clarity/degree as to how much it bothers you.

"I really don't like the dog on the bed and I can't sleep with him there."

 

However, this case is different.

He is clearly not over his ex.

Stating, "It really bothers me that you are still talking to your ex and it makes me think you still have feelings for her. If this continues, then I don't think I can be part of this relationship" is not going to work because it's not just about whether or not his behaviour (talking to ex) is inappropriate.

The feelings behind the behaviour need to change as well.

Even if he stops the behaviour, it will not stop the feelings.

[Gaeta]

People don't mention something they don't like without expecting/hoping something will change. To me it would be very obvious . . . he doesn't like it when the dog is on my bed. If I don't keep the dog off the bed, he's not going to be getting happier about it, that's for sure. I don't want to see what the consequence would be. He told you something that made him unhappy or that upsets him, it shouldn't matter what the "degree" of upsetment is.

 

If his discomfort is 2/10 or 5/10 than I will ask him to be flexible because training my 10 year old dog to not jump on the bed will be a long frustrating process and I don't want to put my dog through that to ease his 2/10 discomfort.

 

His discomfort was 10/10 so I did everything it took to slowly re-train my dog to not jump on my bed, it took over 2 months for my dog to remain on his bed through the night. For 2 months I woke up in the middle of the night, took my dog down from the bed, brought him back in his bed, told him to stay and be a good dog, then got back in bed myself, and tried to fall back to sleep. At first I had to do that 3 times a night, I would not have done that for my boyfriend 2/10 discomfort.

 

Not everything is black or white. There are different levels of discomfort you can negotiate, and there are deal breakers.

[Gaeta]

I think you two are debating something different than what the OP is discussing.

In most cases, preferences should be stated with some clarity/degree as to how much it bothers you.

"I really don't like the dog on the bed and I can't sleep with him there."

 

However, this case is different.

He is clearly not over his ex.

Stating, "It really bothers me that you are still talking to your ex and it makes me think you still have feelings for her. If this continues, then I don't think I can be part of this relationship" is not going to work because it's not just about whether or not his behaviour (talking to ex) is inappropriate.

The feelings behind the behaviour need to change as well.

Even if he stops the behaviour, it will not stop the feelings.

 

That is EXACTLY what I am debating. Redhead point is that she does not need to tell her BF it's a deal breaker to her, my point is yes, she needs to communicate how much this bothers her and it's bothering her to the point of ending the relationship if it continues. That is not an ultimatum, that is a woman stating exactly what she wants and not want in her relationship

[olivetree]

That is EXACTLY what I am debating. Redhead point is that she does not need to tell her BF it's a deal breaker to her, my point is yes, she needs to communicate how much this bothers her and it's bothering her to the point of ending the relationship if it continues. That is not an ultimatum, that is a woman stating exactly what she wants and not want in her relationship

 

I agree with you that usually people should state how much something bothers them.

 

My point is that there is no point in doing that in this relationship, because he is already showing he has feelings for his ex.

 

When someone has feelings for another person, the only non-doormat thing you can do is say, "Hey, I see that you are clearly not over your ex. I need to let this go. All the best."

[elaine567]

I agree with you that usually people should state how much something bothers them.

 

My point is that there is no point in doing that in this relationship, because he is already showing he has feelings for his ex.

 

When someone has feelings for another person, the only non-doormat thing you can do is say, "Hey, I see that you are clearly not over your ex. I need to let this go. All the best."

 

Agreed, the problem behaviour is not that he is talking to his ex, the problem behaviour for the OP, is that he still has feelings for her.

The OP can potentially fix the talking bit as long as he is willing to acquiesce to her demands, but the feelings bit is impossible for her to fix.

[Ethereal]

Is there any chance that the content of his messages to her could be purely just close friendship feelings? I would really appreciate one of you guys here pointing out the gives away that it's 100% romantic feelings.

 

And if it is romantic feelings... could those feelings go away with time?

 

I know his 3 year history with her is stronger compared to his few months with me. But as we spend more time together, I'm hoping his connection with her will fade.