Is he not over her or is he just being nice?

[elaine567]

He told me he wants to keep her as a friend but talking every couple of days seems way too much for friends who were in a long term relationship a few months ago. Once a month or even once every fortnight I could accept.

 

Yes.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.

[Eternal Sunshine]

He still has feelings for her. He probably didn't anticipate that he will miss her as much as he did. Even if he doesn't plan on actually leaving you, what he is doing is inappropriate because he is still attached to her on an emotional level. There is also a level of flirting present that is especially inappropriate given that she is the ex and that she told him she still loves him 4 months ago.

[kendahke]

the lengths some people will go to see what they want to see...

 

Ok. He's not in love with her, but he needs her on some level that you can't reach within him and that is why he is still in touch with her. If you could provide what he gets out of his ex, he wouldn't be talking to his ex. That's the plain truth.

[Gaeta]

I completely agree with you and this is why I'm so confused why he talks to her so much. But I worry if I said to him what you have here he will think I'm being jealous or something.

 

He told me he wants to keep her as a friend but talking every couple of days seems way too much for friends who were in a long term relationship a few months ago. Once a month or even once every fortnight I could accept.

 

Speaking up about a concern is not being jealous.

 

And him wanting to keep her as a friend, like I said, is cruel. She is still in love with him. He is lacking empathy toward a woman that is trying to move on. He only wants to remain friends with her to ease his own guilt. If he really wanted to be nice to her, and if he really had her best at heart, he'd cut all contact with her because that's the best for her.

 

I also suspect he is getting something out of knowing she still loves him. A sick ego boost. There he is with 2 women wanting him. Think about it, she still loves him, she is certainly hurting still and there he is telling her things like 'I don't think I can watch this series without you' or 'I miss you'. What kind of sick human being does that?

[Ethereal]

the lengths some people will go to see what they want to see...

 

Ok. He's not in love with her, but he needs her on some level that you can't reach within him and that is why he is still in touch with her. If you could provide what he gets out of his ex, he wouldn't be talking to his ex. That's the plain truth.

 

What could this void she fills be?

 

I really want to know!

[Ethereal]

Speaking up about a concern is not being jealous.

 

And him wanting to keep her as a friend, like I said, is cruel. She is still in love with him. He is lacking empathy toward a woman that is trying to move on. He only wants to remain friends with her to ease his own guilt. If he really wanted to be nice to her, and if he really had her best at heart, he'd cut all contact with her because that's the best for her.

 

I also suspect he is getting something out of knowing she still loves him. A sick ego boost. There he is with 2 women wanting him. Think about it, she still loves him, she is certainly hurting still and there he is telling her things like 'I don't think I can watch this series without you' or 'I miss you'. What kind of sick human being does that?

 

Thing is, he's a really sweet, kind and thoughtful guy. He's not horrible like that at all. He must think she is over him now and just wants to be friends too?

 

I agree with ken that she must be filling some kind of void otherwise he wouldn't be messaging her basically every day. What could it be that she has that I'm not giving him?

[Gaeta]

Thing is, he's a really sweet, kind and thoughtful guy. He's not horrible like that at all. He must think she is over him now and just wants to be friends too?

 

I agree with ken that she must be filling some kind of void otherwise he wouldn't be messaging her basically every day. What could it be that she has that I'm not giving him?

 

Ethereal how old are you? have you always been and emotional slave of men you date?

[elaine567]

What could this void she fills be?

 

I really want to know!

 

Who knows?

But I guess something like the history they share or she "gets" him or, he is just very comfortable talking to her or she boosts his ego as after all she does love him.

[introverted1]

Well she told him she still loved him about 4 months ago and he just told her he was really sorry. He was over her and fell out of love and he told her he wanted to be with me.

 

I know he felt so guilty when she said it last time.

 

Could his feelings have changed in the last 4 months?

 

Didn't you two start dating around 4 months ago? Her declaration of love was made right as he was exiting that relationship?

 

Yes, it's possible that the EA he was having with you clouded his judgement/feelings about her and, now that he's had time to process (and see the reality vs the fantasy of you as his gf), he feels differently.

 

There is no GOOD reason he's touch with an ex on a daily or near daily basis.

[Gaeta]

Didn't you two start dating around 4 months ago? Her declaration of love was made right as he was exiting that relationship?

 

Yes, it's possible that the EA he was having with you clouded his judgement/feelings about her and, now that he's had time to process (and see the reality vs the fantasy of you as his gf), he feels differently.

 

There is no GOOD reason he's touch with an ex on a daily or near daily basis.

 

You're right. It didn't dawn on me that she told him she was still in love probably when they broke up but not while OP and her bf were dating. That makes a big difference.

[Ethereal]

Yes it was not long after they broke up when she said she loved him. How does it make things different then Gaeta?

 

By the way I'm 27, so not that young but I've had bad experiences with men in the past which is probably why I am the way I am. My current boyfriend, although the situation isn't good, makes me the happiest I've ever been. And I just want to make him happy too. So it worries me thinking there may be a 'void' only his ex can fill. I'd like to be able to be the one to fill it so he doesn't need her anymore. We get on so well and I compliment him more than she does so I honestly can't work out what it is that's keeping him talking to her. Sorry if i seem a bit irritable or if I'm not making sense... it's just a frustrating situation as he's initiated conversation with her again today too. I just looked.

Edited February 12, 2017 by Ethereal

[Gaeta]

.. it's just a frustrating situation as he's initiated conversation with her again today too. I just looked.

 

How can you be happy when you go through all this emotional distress almost on daily basis?

[Ethereal]

How can you be happy when you go through all this emotional distress almost on daily basis?

 

It's just knowing he messages her and my insecurities. Apart from that, he makes me very happy. He tells me he loves me all the time and gives me a lot of attention. He's perfect aside from this ex gf issue.

 

I'm considering booking an appointment with a therapist so I can discuss my insecurities. Maybe that would be a good idea?

[BlueRidgeMT]

"I didn't know it was a dealbreaker" wouldn't cut it with me because if a person needs to be hit on the head like that in order to want to accommodate my needs or least discuss and compromise, I don't want them.

 

 

 

 

 

I agree. If someone is TELLING you that they DONT LIKE something, then you KNOW that they DONT LIKE IT. Why they need to put some sort of emphasis on just how much they don't like it is beyond me too.

 

If a boyfriend told me he does not like me hanging out with an ex, no way would I think..okay...so he doesn't like it. But.. since he didn't give me a percentage or some number as to how much he doesn't like it, I will ignore it. PFFFT!!

 

I have a hard time believing people don't quite get it if their SO says they dont like something. But, since some people say they honestly wouldn't get it, then my next question would be why does someone NEED to tell you 'just how much' they don't like it? Why *WOULD* they need to beat you over the head with it? To me, if you cant respect my saying I don't like it (ESPESCIALLY when it comes to dealing with exes, etc in a relationship) then I feel like you just don't give a crap.

[BlueRidgeMT]

Yes it was not long after they broke up when she said she loved him. How does it make things different then Gaeta?

 

By the way I'm 27, so not that young but I've had bad experiences with men in the past which is probably why I am the way I am. My current boyfriend, although the situation isn't good, makes me the happiest I've ever been. And I just want to make him happy too. So it worries me thinking there may be a 'void' only his ex can fill. I'd like to be able to be the one to fill it so he doesn't need her anymore. We get on so well and I compliment him more than she does so I honestly can't work out what it is that's keeping him talking to her. Sorry if i seem a bit irritable or if I'm not making sense... it's just a frustrating situation as he's initiated conversation with her again today too. I just looked.

 

 

 

 

 

Ok...so do the knocking over the head thing that people are talking about, only because there are people who say some people have to told like that. Me personally, I think he knows deep down inside that it makes u feel bad, but he is just too attached to her. He knows u don't like it, but doesn't care enough to stop

 

So, if you are okay with the fact that he knows u don't like it, but still does it, then you will have to give him the ultimatum. Why keep checking up on him. Lay it out flat; cut the sh*t, or else.

 

But...be prepared for him to bail. Cause he could. but if he does, good riddance. U don't need a guy who is hung up on someone else.

[darkmoon]

he must block the ex, she needs no contact

 

tell her to go away, please, if you are old enough to date, then handle this efficiently, like a grown woman, the ex is coming between you, and she knows it, cheeky piece

 

look how she is getting to you, he must choose between you

Edited February 12, 2017 by darkmoon

[elaine567]

Unfortunately you were the OW he was in a EA with who he turned into a gf but he is still emotionally attached to his ex.

It is not uncommon, even married men who leave their wives for the OW, often end up going back to the wife, as the bond with the affair partner does not match up to that they had with the wife. They miss their old life, and the "excitement" of the affair can quickly wear off once it is made "official".

Here he had 3 years with her, he has 3 months with you, he is talking to her every day or every other day so I guess he is trying to get her back on side. Even if he isn't actually trying to get back with her, YOU are now the gf and she is the OW he is having an EA with. YOU have just swapped places.

 

I would love to tell you he is just being nice to her, but I do not really believe that.

[Gaeta]

I'm considering booking an appointment with a therapist so I can discuss my insecurities. Maybe that would be a good idea?

 

Seriously!! You don't need a therapist, he does.

[elaine567]

I'm considering booking an appointment with a therapist so I can discuss my insecurities. Maybe that would be a good idea?

 

YOU don't need a therapist you just need to get rid of your bf, problem solved...

Get a new one who is not still hung up on his ex.

[Ethereal]

Thanks for the support all.

 

I've been getting myself into a bit of a mess thinking I need to see a therapist as it doesn't feel normal that I keep looking at his messages.

 

Maybe you're right though, maybe I'm not insecure, maybe it's just him making me insecure because the messages to his ex are inappropriate..

 

He seems to be seeking approval from her, based on the ones I saw today. His ex mentioned how she thinks they have different tastes in things and he said 'you think I have bad taste '

 

It hurts that it still matters so much to him what his ex thinks of him when he is sharing a life with me now... I think he has good tastes and surely that's what matters?

 

I guess I've got some thinking to do over the next few days about this relationship... I'll see how V day goes.

[elaine567]

Thanks for the support all.

 

I've been getting myself into a bit of a mess thinking I need to see a therapist as it doesn't feel normal that I keep looking at his messages.

 

Maybe you're right though, maybe I'm not insecure, maybe it's just him making me insecure because the messages to his ex are inappropriate..

 

He seems to be seeking approval from her, based on the ones I saw today. His ex mentioned how she thinks they have different tastes in things and he said 'you think I have bad taste '

 

It hurts that it still matters so much to him what his ex thinks of him when he is sharing a life with me now... I think he has good tastes and surely that's what matters?

 

I guess I've got some thinking to do over the next few days about this relationship... I'll see how V day goes.

 

Very few people would feel secure about their bf/gf messaging an ex daily.

Ok maybe if he had kids. For example if the kids were having problems then daily for a while until they got sorted out, but a single guy messaging his ex for a chat... no way.

[Ethereal]

I'm so confused.

 

Another person on a forum said this:

 

"Jealousy is a pointless emotion. The only thing jealousy shows is how insecure you are. It says nothing about your boyfriend.

Good people stay in touch with their exes because their exes are nice people who they share a lot of history with. What you forget when you’re jealous of the ex is that there is a REASON they broke up. If he is with you now, trust that there is a reason he's with you."

 

It makes sense but are they just saying what I want to hear?

[Gaeta]

Hon: There is 2 kids of jealousy.

 

* Non justified jealousy

* Justified jealousy

 

Example if you are jealous that your boyfriend has female colleagues, that is unjustified jealousy and the problem is within you.

 

Example if your boyfriend puts his arms around colleagues then your jealousy is justified and the problem is HIM.

 

Sometimes jealousy is an alarm within us warning something is off and we should pay attention.

 

You pick what is normal and not normal to you and when you do that respect who you are. If for you communicating daily with an ex is not acceptable than do not date men that do that !!

 

You've got 2 choices.

 

* You accept it and stops spying on him

* You do not accept it and set him free to be with her

 

Stop being afraid of rocking the boat with him. If your relationship is as good as you say it is than it's not in danger if you express your displease. Have a little bit of a backbone for goodness sake. You think a man will love you more if you endure his disrespect?

[Ethereal]

I've spoken to him today about it all. Bad timing just before V day.

 

I saw more of his messages to her again before I spoke to him. He offered to help her install some software on her computer via google screenshare. She didn't even ask for help. He just basically jumped at the chance to help her when she mentioned it would be complicated to set up.

 

At this point I felt like he must definitely have 'more than friend' feelings for her so I told him everything I felt.

 

He said he's so sorry for upsetting me but I don't need to worry because he loves me. He said she means a lot to him but as a close friend and that's it. When I asked if he talks to his two best male friends on a daily basis and jumps at the chance to help them with their computers, he said that he would help them if they needed it, and that he talks to them almost everyday too. I've told him I need to think about things over night.

 

Should I buy what he says?

 

I have to thank you all for your advice, especially Gaeta. You've really knocked some sense into me. I don't want to be a doormat anymore.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Ethereal

[Redhead14]

I've spoken to him today about it all. Bad timing just before V day.

 

I saw more of his messages to her again before I spoke to him. He offered to help her install some software on her computer via google screenshare. She didn't even ask for help. He just basically jumped at the chance to help her when she mentioned it would be complicated to set up.

 

At this point I felt like he must definitely have 'more than friend' feelings for her so I told him everything I felt.

 

He said he's so sorry for upsetting me but I don't need to worry because he loves me. He said she means a lot to him but as a close friend and that's it. When I asked if he talks to his two best male friends on a daily basis and jumps at the chance to help them with their computers, he said that he would help them if they needed it, and that he talks to them almost everyday too. I've told him I need to think about things over night.

 

Should I buy what he says?

 

I have to thank you all for your advice, especially Gaeta. You've really knocked some sense into me. I don't want to be a doormat anymore.

 

He said he's so sorry for upsetting me but I don't need to worry because he loves me -- I think he saying some of the same things he probably was telling her before he decided to break up with her . . .

 

I'll bet dollars to donuts that she had an inkling that there was someone else in the picture when he met you and he kept telling her "she's just a friend, etc." He's playing both of you girls now . . .