goldway90 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 So much drama for a 4 months relationship! if you find yourself playing detective in your relationship then it's already over. You simply don't trust him and i don't see the point in wasting so much time on this. The harsh truth is this guy isn't over his ex, the members here know it and YOU know it too, the only thing missing is when will you stop being in denial and just end this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ethereal Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Hello again guys. I have an update and I don't know what to think. The last couple of weeks have been amazing. My BF and I went away for a holiday and everything went so perfect. I've found myself falling for him even more... I would have put a $100 on him forgetting about the ex after how wonderful our time together was. So I was shocked to see what I did when we got back from our holiday. When he was in the bathroom, a text popped up on his phone from the ex. I wasn't even tempted to look at his messages ever again because I was beginning to feel so much more secure, but after seeing what it said I had to look... The text from her said 'I've missed you too' and I had to see what he said after seeing that, so I looked and he basically said that he wanted to say hello and apologised for being so quiet recently, that he had missed talking to her and that he had been really poorly but was better now. He said nothing about him going away with me and what an awesome time we had! Just about him being poorly and that he missed her. Wtf? I'm not going to say he's a complete liar as he did pick up a cold and have it for a few days... Something doesn't seem right though... I'm so utterly confused!!! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Your head has been in the sand. I guess you are starting to look around now. NO need to be confused, it is obvious what is going on here. He is playing you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I wonder how many WTH moment you'll need to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
EZNona Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Hello again guys. I have an update and I don't know what to think. The last couple of weeks have been amazing. My BF and I went away for a holiday and everything went so perfect. I've found myself falling for him even more... I would have put a $100 on him forgetting about the ex after how wonderful our time together was. So I was shocked to see what I did when we got back from our holiday. When he was in the bathroom, a text popped up on his phone from the ex. I wasn't even tempted to look at his messages ever again because I was beginning to feel so m'I've missed you too' and I had to see what he said after seeing that, so I luch more secure, but after seeing what it said I had to look... The text from her said ooked and he basically said that he wanted to say hello and apologised for being so quiet recently, that he had missed talking to her and that he had been really poorly but was better now. He said nothing about him going away with me and what an awesome time we had! Just about him being poorly and that he missed her. Wtf? I'm not going to say he's a complete liar as he did pick up a cold and have it for a few days... Something doesn't seem right though... I'm so utterly confused!!! So, basically right after you guys settled back in from your vacation away together, he couldn't wait to resume contact and even excuse away his absence to the Ex?? and nevermind the missing her part! Your man has extremely poor boundaries and it's clear how he could have started an emotional affair with you because of it. He is has 2 gfs right now...you and her. Be better than that and let him know that you can't be with someone who communicates like this with his Ex. It's inappropriate and makes you feel like you don't matter much to him. He needs to nip it in the bud or you're out. It really is that simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheTraveler Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 but the other day I ended up coming across some Facebook messages accidentally between him and the ex… It seems like it was the first time she contacted him in weeks as he was telling her he had really missed talking to her multiple times and told her he was worried she hated him. He also told her he thinks so much of her and would always be there for her. After seeing this part of me is worried he’s not over her completely You should be worried. This isn't good AT ALL Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ethereal Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 I asked him about it as I couldn't hold it in. Told him I saw the message and asked why he didn't mention us or our holiday. He said he didn't tell her about that incase it upset her. I asked why he cares about that and he said he feels sorry for her as she still hasn't found anyone to make her happy. I'm not sure I believe this. After all he texted her first. It's not like she texted him asking what he was doing because she didn't. He said he's really worried about me and assured me I don't need to be jealous or threatened by her because he hasn't seen her in person in months and conversations by text and FB is all it's ever going to be between them. Is that believable or BS? Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 It's BS He is not respecting your feelings. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings yet couldn't give a crap about yours. Think about that and let that sink in. Link to post Share on other sites
EZNona Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 I asked him about it as I couldn't hold it in. Told him I saw the message and asked why he didn't mention us or our holiday. He said he didn't tell her about that incase it upset her. I asked why he cares about that and he said he feels sorry for her as she still hasn't found anyone to make her happy. I'm not sure I believe this. After all he texted her first. It's not like she texted him asking what he was doing because she didn't. He said he's really worried about me and assured me I don't need to be jealous or threatened by her because he hasn't seen her in person in months and conversations by text and FB is all it's ever going to be between them. Is that believable or BS? Ok seriously?? You have brought this up at least 3 times to him now and not ONCE has he stopped chatting her up and initiating conversations. He's being totally inconsiderate. And it's clear that he doesn't really care about your feelings here because he knows it's upsetting you, yet he hasn't stopped! I don't see a good long-term match with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Empyrea Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 I asked him about it as I couldn't hold it in. Told him I saw the message and asked why he didn't mention us or our holiday. He said he didn't tell her about that incase it upset her. I asked why he cares about that and he said he feels sorry for her as she still hasn't found anyone to make her happy. I'm not sure I believe this. After all he texted her first. It's not like she texted him asking what he was doing because she didn't. He said he's really worried about me and assured me I don't need to be jealous or threatened by her because he hasn't seen her in person in months and conversations by text and FB is all it's ever going to be between them. Is that believable or BS? Yeah, that's not good. It doesn't matter if he's not seeing her in person, you've expressed that it bothers you that they communicate so often (rightfully so), and he's done nothing to change that other than just make you feel like your feelings are invalid. That's incredibly inconsiderate. YOUR FEELINGS MATTER! If he's your boyfriend, he should be making you and your feelings a priority! Not to mention that he's being downright cruel to the ex by sending mixed messages (I miss you??) and not letting her get over him properly. I don't know if he's just that insensitive and clueless or he's overly attached to her himself. They both need a break in communication DESPERATELY. Every good guy I've known, when they have broken up with a girl - even if they want to stay friends eventually, the GOOD guy has always kept a respectful distance and been careful not to send any mixed messages for a suitable period of time after the breakup (at least several months!) - it's just the decent thing to do if you're the one to break someone's heart. If he doesn't realize that, you need to convince him, or break it off. Seriously. I'm so disappointed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ethereal Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 They both need a break in communication DESPERATELY. Every good guy I've known, when they have broken up with a girl - even if they want to stay friends eventually, the GOOD guy has always kept a respectful distance and been careful not to send any mixed messages for a suitable period of time after the breakup (at least several months!) - it's just the decent thing to do if you're the one to break someone's heart. If he doesn't realize that, you need to convince him, or break it off. Seriously. I'm so disappointed. I looked at his messages and he had another conversation with her last night. I so want to believe he has good intentions, and as a friend, wants to make up somehow for hurting her. But I agree with what you guys are saying, that and my gut is telling me his interactions with her are just way too over the top. Basically, in this conversation, they were talking about some inside joke and she said it's nice that they'll always have that between them, and he replied saying they have many many things and always will, that she will always be incredible to him. Like one of you mentioned earlier, what he says to her is like a broken record. It's the same thing repeated. I swear he's told her she will always be incredible to him about half a dozen times now. He then went on to say he is not saying this for any sense of egotism or under the illusion that he is someone special, but that he'd never want to hurt her and the fact that he may have is something he always wants to make up for. She said he doesn't have to make anything up to her and she doesn't want that. Then he said it's not the reason he talks to her, he talks to her because he enjoys their chats and loves talking to her. I can't remember exactly what she said to that but I think she said that she doesn't want him to feel sorry for her and what happened between them is just a part of life, that she hopes he's happy now and if he is then she's glad. Then the convo ended with him saying she means so much to him and part of him being happy is knowing she is too. No mention of me or that he is happy with me etc. But he wouldn't would he because he said it could upset her. I need to know whether his feelings for her a truly what he swears by, that he hates that he hurt a person he was once close to. If that's what it is, then I think he's a very compassionate guy. But from the things he says to her and how he says them, I just worry he still loves her, even if he's not subconsciously aware of it? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I need to know whether his feelings for her a truly what he swears by, that he hates that he hurt a person he was once close to. If that's what it is, then I think he's a very compassionate guy. But from the things he says to her and how he says them, I just worry he still loves her, even if he's not subconsciously aware of it? So what about all the other people he hurt? His high school girlfriend, his co-worker, his cousin, his neighbor, how about all those people he accidentally or on purpose hurt along the way in his life? Does he text them they are special and will remain special to them forever and he misses them? If he was a 'compassionate' man as you think he is than you'd see him do act of generosity often, he'd help old ladies with their groceries, he'd shovel his elderly neighbor's parking spot, he'll buy an extra doughnut for the homeless guy at the corner of the street. Really you think it's compassion? It's very naive of you. Give this guy the biggest lesson of his life by giving him an ultimatum. It's her or you. I know at 150% he will pick her. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 He cares so much about her well-being, but what about yours? Apparently his ex is worth the risk and he's willing to hurt you instead. At this point you should be more important to him, but he'd lose you just to be able to be all lovey-dovey with his ex. If I read those things I'd be sick to my stomach. Your patience puzzles me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goldway90 Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Basically, in this conversation, they were talking about some inside joke and she said it's nice that they'll always have that between them, and he replied saying they have many many things and always will, that she will always be incredible to him. What a nice guy! No mention of me or that he is happy with me etc. But he wouldn't would he because he said it could upset her 100% not over his ex./s You're so naive seriously! There's no trust, this relationship is done. It's beyond me how you're still holding to this when it's clear that your bf isn't over his ex and people already mentioned this. He does love her, you're the one refusing to accept that fact and you're looking for excuses for him. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 It's sucks when you're in the relationship and can't or refuse to see what is happening but everyone on the outside can see it clearly. You're acting very naive and just refuse to see what is really happening. You have all your answers in this thread. Please reread all the posts. A few days from now you'll question something else he does. Do you really see this getting any better? He's already clearly shown you who he cares the most about and it's not you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ethereal Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 So what about all the other people he hurt? His high school girlfriend, his co-worker, his cousin, his neighbor, how about all those people he accidentally or on purpose hurt along the way in his life? Does he text them they are special and will remain special to them forever and he misses them? If he was a 'compassionate' man as you think he is than you'd see him do act of generosity often, he'd help old ladies with their groceries, he'd shovel his elderly neighbor's parking spot, he'll buy an extra doughnut for the homeless guy at the corner of the street. Really you think it's compassion? It's very naive of you. Give this guy the biggest lesson of his life by giving him an ultimatum. It's her or you. I know at 150% he will pick her. That's just it. He's the type of guy to not even hurt a fly. I don't believe he's ever hurt anyone, and definitely not purposely. He's so sensitive and timid. He's been a carer for both his dad and grandad so yes he is compassionate. This is why it's difficult. Because he's not your typical mans man. He's soft and very sweet. Honestly, if this was anyone else I'd have walked away from this relationship weeks ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 That's just it. He's the type of guy to not even hurt a fly. I don't believe he's ever hurt anyone, and definitely not purposely. He's so sensitive and timid. He's been a carer for both his dad and grandad so yes he is compassionate. This is why it's difficult. Because he's not your typical mans man. He's soft and very sweet. Honestly, if this was anyone else I'd have walked away from this relationship weeks ago. Well, he's hurting you, so... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Sometimes it is the "soft" and "sweet" ones that hurt you the most... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goldway90 Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 He's sweet and also not over his ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EZNona Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 That's just it. He's the type of guy to not even hurt a fly. I don't believe he's ever hurt anyone, and definitely not purposely. He's so sensitive and timid. He's been a carer for both his dad and grandad so yes he is compassionate. This is why it's difficult. Because he's not your typical mans man. He's soft and very sweet. Honestly, if this was anyone else I'd have walked away from this relationship weeks ago. But he's hurting you right now and I have no doubt he hurt the Ex at the time he left her for you. So, to state that he hasn't hurt anyone ever is just being love delusional. And let's say he's not in love with his Ex....but he sure is obsessed with talking to her on an extremely regular basis. How is that any better than the first concern of worrying if he has feelings for her? If a friend kept telling me the things your BF is telling his ex, I would start to think that friend felt something for me. I would certainly find it odd that they kept making these proclamations over and over again. I have question for you? Did your BF make constant loving and sweet statements like these to you while he was dating his Ex? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 If a friend kept telling me the things your BF is telling his ex, I would start to think that friend felt something for me. I would certainly find it odd that they kept making these proclamations over and over again. I agree this is not "normal" conversation stuff. If he is NOT trying to win her over, then it is a pretty cruel game to be playing on someone he just dumped. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 That's just it. He's the type of guy to not even hurt a fly. I don't believe he's ever hurt anyone, and definitely not purposely. He's so sensitive and timid. He's been a carer for both his dad and grandad so yes he is compassionate. This is why it's difficult. Because he's not your typical mans man. He's soft and very sweet. Honestly, if this was anyone else I'd have walked away from this relationship weeks ago. People that are too too nice and wouldn't hurt a fly tend to be non confrontational (very little if any arguing), propensity to lie and have a problem establishing and keeping boundaries. They don't want to be the bad guy or hurt anyone, but in the process of that in a relationship, they can end up hurting someone. This is the way he is and don't believe he could change this. It's okay to have caring, sensitive and considerate characteristics, but some people just can't strike a good balance. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 (edited) Is there any chance that the content of his messages to her could be purely just close friendship feelings? I would really appreciate one of you guys here pointing out the gives away that it's 100% romantic feelings. And if it is romantic feelings... could those feelings go away with time? I know his 3 year history with her is stronger compared to his few months with me. But as we spend more time together, I'm hoping his connection with her will fade. text and written messages are often ambiguous...how can you tell is by voice and eyes.....does you bf often drop his voice to a lower tone when talking to you...different when talking to friends....softer for you....both men and women often unconsciously do this ...it cant be controlled or hidden happens unawares.....the inner warmth i call it...or romantic feelings....i notice it all the time....can actually feel my voice lower....and my family...dead set give away i am falling for someone they go mum how long you been interested in him....or are you still on for him.......my voice changes...cant help it or control it ......and its not a love thing...its an in love thing..even when i talk about the guy i have feelings for my voice will change...my family pick it up....we are all empathetic....... a romantic love.....has an unspoken mutual empathy......for each other....they may even mirror.....voice tone....even body positions....and mannerisms.....its empathy in the physical...strong attachment does your bf voice change talking to you over his friends? check out his one sided phone conversations nothing to do with the words said....its the tone you listen out for....lower softer....romantic love....same with eyes ...eyes soften naturally when looking at romantic love....its fact...i love watching married couples....the soft chuckles...the softer voices.the whispers the soft smiles after.......the soft eyes....its when they eyes never go soft or the voice never changes. when people suffer from dep[ression for example their voices are the first to lose animation and become apathetic..mine does........there are issues to check for with voice change........my poetry often includes the words and softer still...because that is th eromantic heart of me in poetry......so check out your bfs voice ....and try and get a face to face with all three of you..go stealth style....a drink one night all together.....a coffee....a lunch at the park something non invasive and friendly....if he wants to be friendly with an ex...that means he should want you to meet her...and feel comfortable.....i have given you ways to make that comfortable happen or it will make you decidedly uncomfortable to hear softer voiees and pick up- the cues............you decide then on your own course of action....... ps when i went into the navy one area i scored highly on besides iq test......where i was a front runner..... was cues.....and body language...psychological testing for potential leaders/officers......done in front of a six man selection board of military pysches........deb Edited March 3, 2017 by todreaminblue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
4x4storm Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Seriously sweetheart I think you need to walk away from this rubbish you are not dating a man you are dating a boy with a lot of emotional baggage. I'm a guy and I was in the same situation with my ex-gf we were together for 2-3 months very similar. She had so emotional baggage it wasn't funny I would be told all the same things you are being told "I'm just trying to be nice" "I didn't want to hurt you". She got a little to close with an old crush of hers and wanted to meetup with him so I expressed my feelings on the matter and told her straight out to cut contact with him. She agreed to but I had a bad feeling she wan't genuine on it just because of her reaction it was like I was asking to switch of her mothers life support . So I broke up with her the next day but I waited by the phone for the next few days just wishing she would try to win me back ........no call. I caved and reached out no joke literally 5 minutes after we got back together she says "Well since we are back together I better cancel my plans with him!" Yep while I was waiting by the phone just wishing she would want to work things out with me she was setting up dates with him.... 2-3 weeks later she resumes low contact with him so I give her two choices cut him off or leave...3 hours of arguing on the phone she finally tells me he is a little more then just a friend to her so she decided to leave..... It's been a solid one month now of nothing this is after her telling me I was "The One" that she never connected with any guy like she has with me so at the end of the day it was all just words I feel this is the same with you. After putting the blame on myself I have now realized it's a part of immaturity on their side. They are not fully connected with their emotions they don't know what they want they are unable to move on....... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 I agree with 4 x 4 and I think the ex knows what she is doing, so do not argue with your guy but ask him to refer her to a counsellor to help with her loneliness, and mean it Link to post Share on other sites
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