Dazednconfused1994 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 (edited) 5 years ago i met a guy we'll call j. when we met he was set to leave for bootcamp for the army. I was 18 and he 21. We started out strong before he left. And a few weeks later I received a hand written letter from him. However I later found out her been sleeping with another girl. We broke up after that but tried to work things out. This cycle lasted a year before I moved about an hour and forty five minutes away for school. When I moved we were trying to work things out again, but I didn't believe he was serious. So within a week of moving I met d. I ended things with j for d. D and I have been together over 4 years now. However, j and I still talk and still love each other so much. A few months ago d and I wanted to have an open relationship. I slept with j and remembered how good things could be when we were together. I decided I didn't want an open relationship so I could focus on d because d and I really love each other. And we want to spend our lives together. But d said he wants to keep trying an open relationship. Which brings me to this. J and I want to spend time together even without sex or anything. We can't forget about each other or completely let go. And I don't think j wants to be in a relationship with me unless I leave d. I'm so confused and I don't know what I want. D is everything I need and always wanted. My family loves him. But j and I have loved each other so fiercly for so long. I mean it's been 5 years and we haven't even been together the last 4 but we always end up missing each other so much I want to cry. Also j had a girlfriend the last 4 years after I met d but it didn't work out and he and I started talking even more. What do I do though? How can i be with both without being able to give myself to one completely? I know I need to be with d and I want to. But I also want to try and be with j now that we're grown and adults and things are different. Please help! Edited January 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazednconfused1994 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 My senior year of high school when I spent it dating j on and off i loved him More than any other guy I had ever cared about. But he broke my heart so many times. When I met d he has always been so good to me. Except for when he cheated once a few years ago while we had only been together a few months. I later found out a r later about that through my Obgyn that I chlamydia. We got rid of it but it hurt knowing that he cheated And kept it a secret for so long. And a few months later we found out I was pregnant and had an abortion. As much as I love d, I have always loved J too. I fear I will never stop loving him. Especially since he and I still talk and want to spend time together when we can. I have never cheated on anyone but d and I have an open relationship Which allows me to be with both d and j but I want more with j without having to lose d. J has grown and matured and is a good man. And d has almost always been one of the best men I have ever known. What do I do though? I love them both so much and yet so differently. Note that d and I have been together 4 years and some months and we live together. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I can see why you're dazed and confused. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 both men have cheated on you. your current guy wants to be in an open relationship and you aren't even married...which means, he will most likely never put you first. J cheated on his girlfriend with you. These men are flawed and not healthy for you. I think you need to figure out yourself and why you are in love with men who do not treat you well and don't put you first. You have unhealthy attachments. My suggestion is not to make any decisions except to go to therapy for yourself and find out who you are and what YOU want and what kind of relationship will make you happy. My guess is it's neither of these men. Take care of you first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 When was the last time you were alone and happy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 It is possible to have a closed poly relationship in which you all admit you love each other and bond to each other seriously, rather than being 'open' to sleeping with anyone and everyone. But you all have to actually want that, and you have to be willing to work at it. Having two long-term partners is possible but it is not easy! To be fair you have to work at any good relationship. If you're easily distracted by the idea of finding something better and more perfect than what you have, you'll always end up turning your current relationships into a mess. You say you don't "think" J wants to be with you unless you leave D. That suggests you guys aren't even talking to each other. And that's kind of the first step necessary no matter WHAT you do. You all have to talk to each other about what you want and why. Why does D want an open relationship? Does he want to have sex with lots of people? Is there someone else in his life, just as there's someone else in yours? Was he afraid you'd leave him otherwise? Were you just both interested in exploring a bunch of sex stuff, swinger-style? There are all kinds of reasons, but those reasons make a huge difference in what you can and should do about it. It might be a good idea for you to step back from both relationships for a while and figure out what you really want. You care about both of these people and being near them is going to keep swaying your judgement. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Why is your husband(?) so adamant about having an open relationship? Doesn't he care you could be gone tomorrow if J asked? Who brought up the idea of an open relationship? What does he know about J and what do you know about the other person(s) he is with? Link to post Share on other sites
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