bowser Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 I'm in a relatively new relationship and my boyfriend of 3 months told me last week he was having a friend come down to see him. I didn't think anything of it until I found out yesterday she's female. I don't have a problem with him having female friends but he hasn't invited me to meet her or offered to introduce me at all. I'm not naturally jealous but he has been insecure since the start of the relationship, making me feel guilty for going on nights out without him. I feel as if there's a double standard here and am unsure on whether to confront him or if I'm just being over-sensitive?
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 There IS a Huge difference between going out to do your own thing, (which is healthy), and having someone of the opposite sex (especially someone you have never met), staying at his place. It IS NOT a double standard. What he is doing is inappropriate, when being in a committed relationship. You NEED to have a discussion with him about it promptly. If he digs in his heels and lays some guilt trip about going out and having fun without him....it's would be time to call it a bubb-bye, cya never. 4
Author bowser Posted January 10, 2017 Author Posted January 10, 2017 Thank you, for the most part things are going well, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being over-emotional, I'm sure it's innocent just makes me uncomfortable!
Standard-Fare Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 You're not in a position to request that your BF alter his plans to host his friend... but you do have every right to have a conversation about it so he can ensure your comfort. Just be like "Hey, I feel a little weird about this so I wanted to bring it up." Get a sense of his history with this girl and what they'll be up to. Two reactions from him might indicate something is up to warrant paranoia: 1. He gets particularly angry or defensive about the issue, and makes you feel guilty or unfair for expressing any discomfort. 2. He makes an obvious point to prohibit the two of you (female friend + you) from interacting. (I'm not sure it will be natural or not for you guys to meet, but if you get the sense your BF's going out of his way to prevent that, it's not normal or cool.) 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 Well, it hasn't happened yet, so not to worry... If he's on the up-and-up, he will ask you to meet her when she arrives. If that doesn't happen, as Standar-Fare says, then something is going on that may be/become a problem. It is a start that he has informed you that the visitor is a girl. Did he volunteer that info or did you ask?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 It depends on the female friend I guess. Have you met her, and is there any reason to distrust him? It's all situational. If he's keeping it a secret, then you should worry.
phineas Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 If he isn't inviting you to stay the night while she is there......I got bad news for you. 6
darkmoon Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 tell him it is not him you mistrust - but her - you are a couple, do not aliente him just to appease her
phineas Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 tell him it is not him you mistrust - but her - you are a couple, do not aliente him just to appease her no, it's HIM she doesn't trust. Can't push a rope. gnomewhatimsayin?
gorf Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 I'm in a relatively new relationship and my boyfriend of 3 months told me last week he was having a friend come down to see him. I didn't think anything of it until I found out yesterday she's female. I don't have a problem with him having female friends but he hasn't invited me to meet her or offered to introduce me at all. I'm not naturally jealous but he has been insecure since the start of the relationship, making me feel guilty for going on nights out without him. I feel as if there's a double standard here and am unsure on whether to confront him or if I'm just being over-sensitive? Definitely a double standard. This is completely inappropriate in a committed relationship (assuming that is what you two have). He's giving another female a place to sleep at night. Really, look at it this way: What if he didnt use the word "friend." Would you still be ok with it? I think not. Its a safe word to keep you off his back, and if you say anything objection to it, he will use the word "insecure" aiming at you. This is complete crap and he knows better. Obviously building and keeping trust with you, the girl hes dating, isnt high on his priority list. She could easily stay anywhere or with anyone else. Not that hard for him... as a friend.. to arrange this. Or her to respect that his girlfriend might not be hot about this idea.
gorf Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 If he isn't inviting you to stay the night while she is there......I got bad news for you. That would be a good point. Aside from that, you havent even been offered to meet her. Ill bet he would be all upset if you said a guy friend was going to be staying at your place.
bachdude Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 If she is a good enough friend of his to come for a visit and stay over, then she is a good enough friend that he should WANT to introduce you to her. 2
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 Before panicking and creating all kinds of drama in your head just tell him it's cool his friend is visiting and tell him you'd love to meet her and maybe the 3 of you could go out. Then sit and listen. If he agrees all is good, if he doesn't agree to introduce you than you will have to reassess this relationship. 3
kassy Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 Just in a really undramatic way do as mentioned above, ask enthusiastically about her and how they know each other and say while it does make you a bit nervous him having another woman. Staying at his house, that you are looking forward to meeting her and getting to know her too. It's ok to acknowledge how it make you feel but don't make that the focus make the focus getting to know a good friend of his. I've been on the other end of this and had a guy friend stay when in a relationship. I know the guy, we couldn't be more platonic if we tried, and I never even considered my boyfriend didn't know him and our relationship and might be upset. I also assumed my boyfriend would be with us a lot but never mentioned that to him in our first conversation stupidly. When he pointed it out I felt like a real bitch. But we all went for dinner the night my friend arrived and had a great night and he was totally fine with it after that and the 3 of us hung out a lot and also he stayed over a couple of the nights my friend was there. So I would say don't jump to the worst case scenario unless he doesn't want you to meet her and doesn't realise when you mention how you feel that of course that's how you would feel and try to make you comfortable with it. Just don't start the conversation angry at him
kendahke Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 tell him it is not him you mistrust - but her - you are a couple, do not aliente him just to appease her that's indirectly telling him you don't trust him... directly, you're telling him you don't trust his judgement. What conversations about exclusivity, friends and expectations have you had with him?
kendahke Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 he has been insecure since the start of the relationship, making me feel guilty for going on nights out without him. I feel as if there's a double standard here and am unsure on whether to confront him or if I'm just being over-sensitive? Then this may be retaliation for you going out without him. Why are you coddling an insecure guy instead of finding a guy whose confidence in you is obvious? At the 3 month mark, you're at the point where un-sound, weak foundational relationships begin to fail. The weakness in the foundation of your relationship is a guy who is insecure and retaliates with laser focus. 1
phineas Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 Then this may be retaliation for you going out without him. Why are you coddling an insecure guy instead of finding a guy whose confidence in you is obvious? At the 3 month mark, you're at the point where un-sound, weak foundational relationships begin to fail. The weakness in the foundation of your relationship is a guy who is insecure and retaliates with laser focus. Now hold on. One of my bro's had a girl who went out without him and hung with her guy friends. Then she would tell him about every fricken dude that hit on her at the bar and would sometimes mention her guy friend tried to kiss her when drunk. clearly if you are with someone, putting yourself in those types of situations is an issue. but she called him "insecure". because she would never cheat. But, letting guys in bars who were buying her drinks put their hands on her ass was not "cheating" as far as she was concerned. so i guess it matter where OP is going out and with whom. 1
BlueRidgeMT Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 You're not in a position to request that your BF alter his plans to host his friend... but you do have every right to have a conversation about it so he can ensure your comfort. QUOTE] I don't know why she wouldn't be in a position to request that someone she is involved with (new or not) does not have some female 'friend' that she hasn't even been offered to meet stay at his place. She said she was in a 'relationship' with this guy. So she has EVERY right to want to know about that, and even request that his friend not stay there. That's just tacky. If this woman just was sooo dirt poor (then I don't even know why she's traveling) that she couldn't stay somewhere else while visiting, then HE should be telling his girlfriend to stay over also while his little friend is there. That's the respectful thing to do.
BlueRidgeMT Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 Come to think of it, I wonder if this dude is playing games with the OP. If he is insecure because she goes out without him at times, he may be trying to one up her by having this 'friend' stay with him. Especially since he hasn't even offered to make introductions. Game playing is its own separate issue
kendahke Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 Now hold on. One of my bro's had a girl who went out without him and hung with her guy friends. Then she would tell him about every fricken dude that hit on her at the bar and would sometimes mention her guy friend tried to kiss her when drunk.. that's your bro's situation, not OP's. 1
phineas Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 that's your bro's situation, not OP's. How do you know? She must be doing something to make him feel insecure about her going out. 2
carolann Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 I see his mistrust and objection to you going out without him while inviting his female friend to stay at his place a double standard and a red flag. Also, if you two are mutually exclusive then he should, at the very least, introduce you to this friend. If he values your relationship he should want to make you feel secure especially when it comes to having OS friends. Transparency is key! He may just be trying to rattle you by doing this. If that's the case, I would reassess whether to continue the relationship at all.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 I'm in a relatively new relationship and my boyfriend of 3 months told me last week he was having a friend come down to see him. I didn't think anything of it until I found out yesterday she's female. I don't have a problem with him having female friends but he hasn't invited me to meet her or offered to introduce me at all. I'm not naturally jealous but he has been insecure since the start of the relationship, making me feel guilty for going on nights out without him. I feel as if there's a double standard here and am unsure on whether to confront him or if I'm just being over-sensitive? Well, we haven't heard from the OP in a couple of days, but I revisited your original post, bowser and I see here something that I hadn't seen before. My thinking was jarred a little by what some of the others have said and appropriately so. I am not certain if a 'doubl-standard' is being applied here. Let me explain my thinking... A 'double-standard' implies that a particular principle or agreement be applied in a different way for you. Since you had no agreement or expectations regarding your going out w/o him, his actions do not further the idea of a double standard. I get the impression that you have not been telling him when you go out? Had you agreed that you would? If not, why would two people in an exclusive relationship behave in such a manner (including yourself). If you felt that you (or still feel) did not need to inform him when you partied w/o him, then why should he have to feel obligated to inform you of this girl "friend" who will be staying with him? Are you two EXCLUSIVE? Ultimately, whether you feel this is a double standard or not, believe me, he's doing this to 'get back at you!' Of course we haven't heard back in a couple of days, so who knows. If he does continue to host this gf and makes no effort to introduce you, etc. then I would think carefully as to whether you want to be in a relationship with someone like this. Just a little more of my rambling only to convey that I agree with most of the other posters here.
Lucysherman Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 (edited) Apologies. I posted in the wrong thread and am unable to delete the comment. Edited January 21, 2017 by Lucysherman Posted in wrong thread!
blueskyday Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 I think a person with integrity avoids the appearance of impropriety. Having an opposite sex friend stay with you looks bad, even if nothing is going on. And you can't be sure nothing is going on, so why would he put you in s position to worry? I personally couldn't deal with it.
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