How do you move on when you share children?

[Gibrale]

My fiance and I were together for 3 years, we broke up in November. For 5 years he has been dad to my son. He isn't my sons biological father but he is the only father my son has known. They are very close. To my ex-fiance, that is his son. My sons biological father is in the picture, but barely and my son doesn't consider him a father. When my fiance ended our relationship we decided to maintain their relationship because it's better for my son.

 

My ex-fiance is a great dad to my son and he wants to continue that. My son is a lot happier having my ex-fiance in his life. The issue I have is that it has been hard to see him every time he comes to pick up my son. We set up a schedule that works for both of us. Every time he picks up my son and drops him off it hurts. I hate seeing him and not being able to have him. It's like my heart breaks every time, over and over. I just want to touch him and tell him to come inside, kiss him, talk to him. Every time I see him I still have this hope that he will change his mind and want to try again. There have been so many times that he has come and I've started crying.

 

On two occasions when he came inside I didn't want him to leave at all. I stood in front of the door to try and get him to stay knowing he wouldn't physically move me. Begging him to stay and crying. Both times my son was in bed asleep, but I'm still not proud to admit that. It's turning my into a crazy person.

 

How do you get use to seeing your ex all the time, and still move on from the relationship?

[Homer J]

Time. You need to find something to keep you busy also. My D was final in September. Its hard to think of my ex possibly seeing someone else, even just as friends if I dwell on it. Breathe, it gets easier. Him seeing you cry is only going to drive him away more. If you break down after he leaves then so be it.

[Mr. Lucky]

My fiance and I were together for 3 years, we broke up in November. For 5 years he has been dad to my son.

 

How was he "dad" to your son for 2 years before you were together?

 

Regardless, it's like many other things in life - you put your kids first. If it's good for them, you make it at least tolerable for you.

 

Many of us have the opposite problem, co-parenting means interacting with an ex we'd rather not see. You tough it out in your child's best interests...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The_Onceler]

It is hard.

 

For me, I am torn emotionally. I am VERY angry at my ex, not only for the impact that our split will have on our kids, but because I did NOT want us to split. Sure, we had our difficulties, but I really thought that we were getting better and better, and would continue to work on our relationship. So, I too feel an emotional setback whenever I have to see my ex.

 

So, what works for me? Our kids are school age, so most of the time, we don't exchange the kids directly - one of us puts them on a bus in the morning, and the other of us picks them up after school.

 

Of course, this won't work for you, and it doesn't always work for us. One rule that I instituted is that my ex shall not come to my home again. When we have to hand them off in a face-to-face meeting, I insist on either a neutral location, or I go to her new place. There are too many psychological pitfalls associated with having all four of us together in our family home (I kept the home). It hurts me, and it upsets the kids as well. I have found that the same issues do not arise when I have to go to her place. It does not feel like "home" to any of us (at least not in the same way - not a home where the kids expect to see me, or where we have shared memories).

 

Also, while we have to "talk" (we use text and email only - I almost never actually speak to her anymore) about stuff related to the kids, I won't allow myself to go beyond that. I won't engage her in any small talk or banter, and I won't engage her in any conversations about my own life. If it doesn't have to do with the kids, then it is none of her business.

 

And vice versa.

 

For you, since you WANT to have him in your life (but he wants out?), these things will run counter to what you think you want, but doing them will certainly help you move on.

 

Can you arrange to bring your child to him, rather than have him come to where you are? And rather than drop off in person, can you perhaps use an intermediary, like one of your family members?

 

Most important: time. As others have said here, time will certainly help. Good luck!

[mikeylo]

Why did you guys break up ? How old is your son ?

[Gibrale]

Time. You need to find something to keep you busy also. My D was final in September. Its hard to think of my ex possibly seeing someone else, even just as friends if I dwell on it. Breathe, it gets easier. Him seeing you cry is only going to drive him away more. If you break down after he leaves then so be it.

 

I figured "time" would be the main answer. Sometimes it sucks when there isn't anything else you can do but wait. I've been trying to keep busy so I don't think of it as much, especially when my son is gone and I don't have him as a distraction. Sitting at home, totally alone, is hard. I know that he's gone on a few dates with someone else and that's really hard.

 

You're right about crying driving him away. When I have cried he's wanted to take a step back. I have to get that under control.

 

How was he "dad" to your son for 2 years before you were together?

 

We were really close friends before we went into a relationship. My son was 2-3 when my ex-fiance came into my life and even though we were just friends he was really good with my son. My son clung to him.

 

It would be easier (for me) to completely walk away from my ex-fiance but I know it's better for my son to have him. That's the only dad he's going to have, I can't take that from him because of my own mistakes.

 

 

 

I have thought about doing exchanges at my sons school, but right now he doesn't keep him overnight. So he could pick him up at school but I would still have to see him when I get my son back. It is a good thought to avoid him coming here. This is where we lived together and I'm so use to having him here. It might be better to meet somewhere else.

 

I do still want to have him in my life. It feels like it would be easier if we totally hated each other. I don't hate him, and he doesn't hate me. There is a lot up in the air and he's not totally 100% sure that he's done with the relationship. Probably 70% sure that he's done. So there is this little bit of hope that I can't let go of.

 

Why did you guys break up ? How old is your son ?

 

My previous thread is here.

 

He learned about my past, which involved more sexual partners than he thought I had and sex videos. My son is 9.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do still want to have him in my life. It feels like it would be easier if we totally hated each other. I don't hate him, and he doesn't hate me. There is a lot up in the air and he's not totally 100% sure that he's done with the relationship. Probably 70% sure that he's done. So there is this little bit of hope that I can't let go of.

 

Then your choice seems even easier. I'd make sure my hair was combed, teeth brushed and with a smile on my face I'd get through it, knowing it may benefit both you and your son long-term. Doesn't seem like there's much down side to hanging in there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Simple Logic]

My fiance and I were together for 3 years, we broke up in November. For 5 years he has been dad to my son. He isn't my sons biological father but he is the only father my son has known. They are very close. To my ex-fiance, that is his son. My sons biological father is in the picture, but barely and my son doesn't consider him a father. When my fiance ended our relationship we decided to maintain their relationship because it's better for my son.

 

My ex-fiance is a great dad to my son and he wants to continue that. My son is a lot happier having my ex-fiance in his life. The issue I have is that it has been hard to see him every time he comes to pick up my son. We set up a schedule that works for both of us. Every time he picks up my son and drops him off it hurts. I hate seeing him and not being able to have him. It's like my heart breaks every time, over and over. I just want to touch him and tell him to come inside, kiss him, talk to him. Every time I see him I still have this hope that he will change his mind and want to try again. There have been so many times that he has come and I've started crying.

 

On two occasions when he came inside I didn't want him to leave at all. I stood in front of the door to try and get him to stay knowing he wouldn't physically move me. Begging him to stay and crying. Both times my son was in bed asleep, but I'm still not proud to admit that. It's turning my into a crazy person.

 

How do you get use to seeing your ex all the time, and still move on from the relationship?

 

I followed your previous thread. Honestly, I hoped this situation would be resolved by you and your x reconciling. I still not sure it will not, but I see the current situation being problematic. As time passes, your x will eventually find another woman. His relationship with you son is going to be problematic in a new relationship, especially if he were to marry and have his own children. Likewise, at some point you need to move on. Your x coming to pick up a non biological son is not good for your future relationships. I believe you should give this to the end of May. If the two if you have not reconciled, it is time to end the daddy/son arrangement for obvious reasons.

Edited January 17, 2017 by Simple Logic

[road]

I followed your previous thread. Honestly, I hoped this situation would be resolved by you and your x reconciling. I still not sure it will not, but I see the current situation being problematic. As time passes, your x will eventually find another woman. His relationship with you son is going to be problematic in a new relationship, especially if he were to marry and have his own children. Likewise, at some point you need to move on. Your x coming to pick up a non biological son is not good for your future relationships. I believe you should give this to the end of May. If the two if you have not reconciled, it is time to end the daddy/son arrangement for obvious reasons.

 

Neither in a relationship no need to end dad son relation. There is no set time to recover for a BH.

[Simple Logic]

Neither in a relationship no need to end dad son relation. There is no set time to recover for a BH.

 

There is no dad son relationship. There an ex fiance's son relationship. While there no time limit to recover, realistically if things have not changed after 7 months it will be time to move on and not live on false hope.

[BetrayedH]

There is no dad son relationship. There an ex fiance's son relationship. While there no time limit to recover, realistically if things have not changed after 7 months it will be time to move on and not live on false hope.

 

There's also no BH (betrayed husband) here.

 

I agree with you that there needs to be a time limit. It IS just a matter of time before either the exF has a relationship (and this will be problematic) or the OP has a relationship (and this will be problematic). And in neither case are we talking about protecting her son's access to a biological father.

 

This is a completely abnormal scenario and not one that is ultimately going to be healthy for her son. Without a paternal hond that is either biological or legal, we are just watching this trainwreck unfold in slow motion and allowing more time for bonds to form that will eventually be broken. Younger children adapt more quickly. The longer you let this go, the worse it is likely to end.

 

And this is besides how unhealthy it is for you.

[Gibrale]

Then your choice seems even easier. I'd make sure my hair was combed, teeth brushed and with a smile on my face I'd get through it, knowing it may benefit both you and your son long-term. Doesn't seem like there's much down side to hanging in there...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That's something that I have to try and work on more. There is this part of me that thinks if I do that he's going to think I've moved on, which I don't want. Being a hysterical, crying mess isn't any better though. I need to get my **** together.

 

I followed your previous thread. Honestly, I hoped this situation would be resolved by you and your x reconciling. I still not sure it will not, but I see the current situation being problematic. As time passes, your x will eventually find another woman. His relationship with you son is going to be problematic in a new relationship, especially if he were to marry and have his own children. Likewise, at some point you need to move on. Your x coming to pick up a non biological son is not good for your future relationships. I believe you should give this to the end of May. If the two if you have not reconciled, it is time to end the daddy/son arrangement for obvious reasons.

 

This wasn't an easy decision to come to. It's not conventional, but it's what is best for my son. My ex-fiance wanted to adopt my son, had he been able to do that, legally he would be his son as well and we'd still be doing this. To my ex-fiance, my son is his son. A piece of paper doesn't determine that. We have talked about it and he has no intention of "abandoning" my son when another woman comes into his life. If said woman wants him to separate himself from my son and I, she is not the woman for him - his opinion. Of course that could change, but even if he was the biological father that could change. Heck, my sons biological father is a complete deadbeat. My ex-fiance is choosing to be involved, which says more IMO than a man who is "forced" to be involved.

 

To my son, that IS his dad. As hard as this is for me and though it may affect a future relationship I may have, he's more important.

[mightycpa]

I have to admit, this guy's a saint. For him to stick around, that's really stand up.

 

However, I take it your son is now 7. Let's say Mr. X Fiance meets some other woman in a year or two, and they get serious. There's a better than even chance that she's going to have some problems with this pseudodad/son relationship, especially if they have kids of their own. Because to her, this relationship is really nothing more than a tether to you. There's no biological connection, no adoption connection, nothing other than 5 years continuity in his life.

 

You'd better hope she's as big of a saint as he seems to be, because even though that's what he says now, it might be a lot harder to say when that is not in the abstract.

[doyathinkso]

One foot in front of the other. Keep on keeping on.

There may be healing. There may not be.

Nobody can see into the future, but hope can be your beacon.

[Whodatdog]

This seems like a trainwreck to me, for sure. He could very likely meet another woman and get in a relationship. What if he gets a job offer that forces a move? I really dont see any good ending for this.

[stillafool]

We have talked about it and he has no intention of "abandoning" my son when another woman comes into his life. If said woman wants him to separate himself from my son and I, she is not the woman for him - his opinion.

 

If he meets and gets with another woman I can understand him not wanting to be prevented from seeing your son but that will be him and your son's relationship and has nothing to do with you. So it isn't that that said woman can't separate him from you, she can, but not from your son if your ex still wants to be a father figure to him.

Your son will be spending time with her as well.

 

Does your son's father pay child support?

Edited January 18, 2017 by stillafool

[TheWoman]

I have to admit, this guy's a saint. For him to stick around, that's really stand up.

 

I do not think this is true. Children are not a burden, they are lovely, enjoyable, innocent little beings. The ex obviously has formed a bond with this 5 year old and enjoys spending time with him. Its not a burden to spend time with him, 5 year olds are great - wait until he is 14 and see how they get on!

 

However, he is not the childs father and he does not want to continue the relationship with the childs mother. So sadly he no longer has a place in their life.

 

The child and the mother are a unit. If he were the childs father perhaps they would have stayed together through what may have just been a rough patch in their relationship, for the sake of their child. But they didnt, and the child is not his anyway.

 

It is very sad but the situation is not healthy. Taper off the contact slowly, replace it with other activities and people, and let everyone move on. It is making you unhappy and children pick up on that. You need to heal and this is not helping.

[doyathinkso]

Don't listen to the downers. They are NOT blessed with prescience.

[ChevyCamaro]

I'm definitely not an expert on this but I think you've got 3 option:

 

-Give him time and see if he eventually changes his mind. This could take well over a year.

 

-You give him an ultimatum that he either has to accept both of you or no one.

 

-If he leaves you you should try to find a man who already has kids. I've heard from other divorced men with kids that they would prefer to date women who have children themselves. If you look for a man in Northern or Central Europe they will usually not care if you participated in sex videos when you were younger (they will probably even like it). It's such a different/liberal attitude to sex in (Northern and Central) Europe compared to the US and many other "white" countries outside of Europe. Two polar opposites.

[mightycpa]

I do not think this is true. Children are not a burden, they are lovely, enjoyable, innocent little beings. The ex obviously has formed a bond with this 5 year old and enjoys spending time with him. Its not a burden to spend time with him, 5 year olds are great - wait until he is 14 and see how they get on!

Here's my thinking on this. He has to know where this is headed. Eventually, assuming she's not Quasimodo, she'll find another man. They may move. He may banish the guy. Chances are that exBF is temporary, and his stint is of unknown duration.

 

The child is 5 years old. Not old enough to remember him if he leaves, but old enough to feel the loss. In reality, this guy has elected to stick around until he's replaced, which he almost surely will be. He, however, is old enough that he'll never forget this kid, and will always feel the loss when he's given the heave-ho, or at least cut out of the daily routine.

 

You even counsel a weaning. Good for the kid, but tough on the guy.

 

He's a saint, because he is doing this to his almost certain detriment. The easier decision is to cut it off now. The hard one is to hang in there and wait for the pink slip until it arrives.

 

Some 5 year olds can be a real pain too and are far from innocent. Most aren't, but don't kid yourself.

[whichwayisup]

I hope your ex fiance wakes up and realizes he's walking away from a good family unit and a woman who loves him, as well as a little boy who thinks of him as a father. It's a shame he just can't take time and do counseling so he can be with you. You didn't cheat on him and your past is your past... You made some bad decisions and I guess he just can't get over it.

 

My concern is, when he starts dating someone else on a serious level what happens then? Will he still be involved with your son? If so, will it be just short visits? Are you prepared to have another woman around your son? This is something you two need to talk about.

[Gibrale]

I know that most people would probably kick the man out of their life totally. I know it would be easier, for me. At the end of the day that is my son's dad... Maybe not biologically... maybe not legally... but that's his dad. It's the only dad he has known and the only man he see's as a dad. Genetics or a signed piece of paper don't change how my son feels about him.

 

My ex-fiance wanted to adopt him, and we tried to make it happen. We couldn't, but had that been successful this wouldn't even be a question. A biological or legal father can still vanish or walk away. He can still disappear when he gets a new family. Genetics aren't going to stop that... If anything, I feel like there is less of a chance of that happening. He is choosing to be in my son's life. There is nothing forcing him to be there. And he feels the same. That is his son and he's scared of me kicking him out of our lives.

 

Of course I don't want another woman in my son's life, but my wants shouldn't trump my sons. Parenting is hard. It would be another person to love my son, that's how I try to look at it. If he meets a woman who wants me and my son out of his/their life then I hope he handles the situation properly. At some point he will meet someone else, maybe he already has. It's clear he doesn't want a relationship with my anymore. I'm invisible to him now. It would be really hard for me and that makes me want to just run but that involves ripping my son away from his dad.

 

Just because I could kick him out of my son's life, doesn't mean I should.

[ChevyCamaro]

I know that most people would probably kick the man out of their life totally. I know it would be easier, for me. At the end of the day that is my son's dad... Maybe not biologically... maybe not legally... but that's his dad. It's the only dad he has known and the only man he see's as a dad. Genetics or a signed piece of paper don't change how my son feels about him.

 

My ex-fiance wanted to adopt him, and we tried to make it happen. We couldn't, but had that been successful this wouldn't even be a question. A biological or legal father can still vanish or walk away. He can still disappear when he gets a new family. Genetics aren't going to stop that... If anything, I feel like there is less of a chance of that happening. He is choosing to be in my son's life. There is nothing forcing him to be there. And he feels the same. That is his son and he's scared of me kicking him out of our lives.

 

Of course I don't want another woman in my son's life, but my wants shouldn't trump my sons. Parenting is hard. It would be another person to love my son, that's how I try to look at it. If he meets a woman who wants me and my son out of his/their life then I hope he handles the situation properly. At some point he will meet someone else, maybe he already has. It's clear he doesn't want a relationship with my anymore. I'm invisible to him now. It would be really hard for me and that makes me want to just run but that involves ripping my son away from his dad.

 

Just because I could kick him out of my son's life, doesn't mean I should.

 

Like I said, you should probably try to find another man who's got kids himself -- if your ex-fiance wants to leave.

 

Other than that, have you really tried to talk to him about your situation and history? I read your 1st thread where you talked about your past and there's some pretty tragic stuff there. Maybe if you really sat down with him to have a talk -- where you're perfectly honest about everything -- it could lead to a better situation and understanding on his part? Without him really knowing all the details you can't really expect him to change his mind about you. And he is involved in your son's life and all of that so he should maybe really try to fix things together before making a too rushed decision.

 

And what did he really think anyway before he met you, you being a single mom with a so-called biological lowlife "dad" who abandoned his son. He was either too stupid or naive to realize that there's a history there. And he told you himself that he didn't want to know anything. You don't need to be a brain-surgeon to figure out that most young single moms often have pretty difficult past.

 

But anyways, you should try to have a serious talk with him (maybe even include your son in some of the "talk") before just considering everything to be over. After all, there is a kid involved and HE was the one who initiated everything about adopting him and so forth. And HE was the one who wanted to marry you and create a family. It would be a little bit different if no kid was involved.. but now that there is -- he should think a little more outside of the box and logical.

 

Even though I completely understand how he feels and don't blame him for it, it's still irresponsible to just walk away now and abandon everything he built up.

[Gibrale]

If I ever decide to date again, yes I assume I'd probably date men who have kids. Right now dating isn't even on my mind. It's on his apparently, since he's dating to some degree... but it's not on mine.

 

I have tried to talk to him. He doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want to hear it. He's done... All he ever cared to know regarding my son was that the biological father was not involved. He asked how long our relationship was and why it ended, but didn't want more details. Some single moms might have a difficult past, definitely not all, but this isn't what he expected. I'm trying to put the thought of us possibly ever getting back together totally out of my mind.

[ChevyCamaro]

If I ever decide to date again, yes I assume I'd probably date men who have kids. Right now dating isn't even on my mind. It's on his apparently, since he's dating to some degree... but it's not on mine.

 

I have tried to talk to him. He doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want to hear it. He's done... All he ever cared to know regarding my son was that the biological father was not involved. He asked how long our relationship was and why it ended, but didn't want more details. Some single moms might have a difficult past, definitely not all, but this isn't what he expected. I'm trying to put the thought of us possibly ever getting back together totally out of my mind.

 

What do you mean he doesn't want to talk about it? It's not a question of "want or doesn't want" -- you must disclose everything even if he wants to leave. I can guarantee you that his mind and feelings will change if you tell him everything about your past. Dump the psychatrist charlatans and act from your inner "spirit".

 

And your attitude is very "faithless". Wasn't it jesus who wept because the people he met had so little faith in general and in the ability of themselves?

 

"With faith you can move mountains" and "he who has shall be given more, while he who doesn't have much, even what he has shall be taken from him".

 

By your emotions and "faith" you create the environment around you and what you will receive in life.