My GF has eyes for another man

[ettienne]

My GF and I have been together for 5 years, she is 28 and I'm 32. We have known each other for 12 years and been close most of that time. She has been pushing for engagement and marriage for quite a while, and I think that may have played into this.

 

I know she wants to be engaged and she is worried that it's never going to happen. There are also issues with my family (which play into me not having proposed yet) that make her uncomfortable. My GF was raped before I met her, and because of that my parents believe she is not worthy of being married (cultural beliefs). In the country they were raised in, girls who are were raped were usually forced to marry their rapist. To punish the rapist for raping the girl, he'd be responsible to provide for her and have no rights to divorce. I'm not saying I agree with it, but that is their belief. Of course, that makes my GF uncomfortable.

 

On December 10 my GF went to a party with some friends, usually I'd go as well but I had to work that night. She has been acting a bit off since that night. I've talked to her and she said nothing happened but there was a guy there who was flirting with her and she found him attractive. She said he asked for her number but she didn't give it to him. She told me what his first name was, because I wanted to know if I knew him - I didn't.

 

On Christmas I was using her phone and a Facebook notification came up. It was a friend request from a guy with the same first name, which isn't a very common name. It's actually a last name, but it's his first name. I didn't say anything about it because I didn't want to bring it up on Christmas. A couple days later I checked her phone because I wanted to see if she did anything with that notification. She accepted the request.

 

My GF isn't the type that has 2000 friends. She doesn't have a huge friends list because she only adds people she actually knows. She doesn't add just anyone. She didn't say anything about it and neither have I, yet. I was looking at her pictures and noticed that he liked quite a few of them.

 

I casually asked her about that night again and she said nothing happened and it wasn't a big deal. She was just letting me know because she doesn't like to keep any secrets. However over the last week I have noticed that she is logging out of messenger on her phone when she gives it to me or leaves it sitting somewhere. Her phone is also going everywhere with her lately.

 

Throughout our relationship she has given me no reason to doubt her. She has always been very open, honest and kind. But now I'm doubting her. She has been acting off and hasn't been up for sex. I looked at his profile and I will say he's a very attractive, physically fit guy. He's white as well, she is white, I'm black.

 

Do I confront her? Do I start snooping through her things? Am I being totally unreasonable here?

[strawberryshortstack]

I think you're right to be suspicious. Don't snoop, but do confront her. Be prepared for the worst.

[Space Ritual]

My GF and I have been together for 5 years, she is 28 and I'm 32. We have known each other for 12 years and been close most of that time. She has been pushing for engagement and marriage for quite a while, and I think that may have played into this.

 

I know she wants to be engaged and she is worried that it's never going to happen. There are also issues with my family (which play into me not having proposed yet) that make her uncomfortable. My GF was raped before I met her, and because of that my parents believe she is not worthy of being married (cultural beliefs). In the country they were raised in, girls who are were raped were usually forced to marry their rapist. To punish the rapist for raping the girl, he'd be responsible to provide for her and have no rights to divorce. I'm not saying I agree with it, but that is their belief. Of course, that makes my GF uncomfortable.

 

On December 10 my GF went to a party with some friends, usually I'd go as well but I had to work that night. She has been acting a bit off since that night. I've talked to her and she said nothing happened but there was a guy there who was flirting with her and she found him attractive. She said he asked for her number but she didn't give it to him. She told me what his first name was, because I wanted to know if I knew him - I didn't.

 

On Christmas I was using her phone and a Facebook notification came up. It was a friend request from a guy with the same first name, which isn't a very common name. It's actually a last name, but it's his first name. I didn't say anything about it because I didn't want to bring it up on Christmas. A couple days later I checked her phone because I wanted to see if she did anything with that notification. She accepted the request.

 

My GF isn't the type that has 2000 friends. She doesn't have a huge friends list because she only adds people she actually knows. She doesn't add just anyone. She didn't say anything about it and neither have I, yet. I was looking at her pictures and noticed that he liked quite a few of them.

 

I casually asked her about that night again and she said nothing happened and it wasn't a big deal. She was just letting me know because she doesn't like to keep any secrets. However over the last week I have noticed that she is logging out of messenger on her phone when she gives it to me or leaves it sitting somewhere. Her phone is also going everywhere with her lately.

 

Throughout our relationship she has given me no reason to doubt her. She has always been very open, honest and kind. But now I'm doubting her. She has been acting off and hasn't been up for sex. I looked at his profile and I will say he's a very attractive, physically fit guy. He's white as well, she is white, I'm black.

 

Do I confront her? Do I start snooping through her things? Am I being totally unreasonable here?

 

 

Ah the old hanging onto the phone like it is Grim Death Routine...it's fairy common when these things start.

 

People tend to follow the same playbook when they are in the throes of a newfound relationship, which includes gluing their phone to their hand, or deleting all their messages or even putting the dreaded password on the phone out of the blue.

 

Well if you want to snoop, obviously you will not be invading her privacy but invading her secrecy. Because those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.You can use a Dr. Fone and restore any deleted texts on her phone. It is fairly inexpensive but is it worth the headache?

 

Again, people involved in these situations rarely deviate from the script... Add a friend on social media, delete messages, delete browsing history, act aloof, downplay or minimize the interaction when the partner presses the issue, which is all part of the gaslighting effect".....then progressing to "The Talk" with the "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You"....."I'm Confused"...or "I Need Space" presentations.

 

None of these are in any particular order, but you get the idea.

 

I am always for nipping things in the bud if need be, and if further investigation is needed I am not against snooping, after all you have to now whom you are considering marrying really is. Long Term relationships are an audition for a life together, and you need to know if your partner can pass muster.

 

All that being said, my gut says here if you confront her she'll gaslight you and may give you one of the 3 presentations I mentioned above.

 

If you sit back and bide your time and investigate, you must be very very patient and play your cards close to the vest. Because after Five years together, she'll know if you are suspicious and if she knows, she will take it underground, and then you may never know.

 

For some reason, I get the sense that if you do investigate you won't like what you find and if you confront her right now you will get gaslighted.

 

A no win situation for you, so the best advice I can give you is to dump her like a bolt from the blue. I don't see anything good going down the road in this relationship. Maybe you caught it before it spiraled into an actual infidelity event, maybe you didn't but I would not wait around to find out.

 

You'll know more of what I am telling you one day when you wake up and realize you have more days behind you than ahead of you.

 

Right now you have the opposite, in that you are still fairly young.

 

No Kids?

No shared Mortgage?

 

Get out now while you can. Save the investigation, life is to short.

 

Tell her to hit the road.

[Poutrew]

I would say that your parents are right about her, but for the wrong reasons. You can bet that something happened during that party. She wouldn't be all that strange if it was only 'flirting' and only on his part. Of course, she will minimize it to you. I would bet that if you press it, the next step will be that she held his hand, then it will be they kissed...etc. The fact is if she is having an affair, it didn't happen because you haven't married her yet. She is cheating because she wants to. It makes her feel good. But really, why do you want to go to all the trouble? You aren't married to her. You have no obligations with her... just dump her.

[ettienne]

To give her the benefit of the doubt she isn't usually hit on or flirted with. She is awkward and quiet when she's out and isn't usually "open" for flirting. The odd time when someone does flirt with her she has always told me about it and acted a little bit awkward about it for the rest of the day. And that was just a guy looking at her. Not actually talking to her, flirting and light touching (arm).

 

I am worried about talking to her and getting lies or truth very slowly.

 

How do you know that rape story was real? That could be lie too.

 

To be frank, because she was branded with a gang symbol. That, and we met at a hospital where she was being treated for PTSD that stemmed from the rape.

Edited January 11, 2017 by ettienne

[ettienne]

Her rape does not excuse her cheating.

 

I never said that it did... Or that this had anything to do with her being raped, 12 years ago.

[ettienne]

People who are raped usually have messed up boundaries later on in life. I think this may have something to do with cheating.

 

Yeah that's just not accurate. Sorry.

[Alamo657]

Of course she is exhausted from waiting on your proposal, and is already opening doors to new guys.

 

Confronting will drive her away from you (because it means your relationship has no trust left), not proposing will drive her away from you (because it's not going anywhere).

 

You waited too long.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think your relationship is done anyway, OP.

 

You are hesitant to propose because you know your family won't accept her. She can't change what happened to her. So...what exactly do you envision as your future together?

 

I agree with another poster, she got tired of waiting. I'm not saying she has any right to be flirting with someone else behind your back - not at all. But I am pointing out that this relationship is past its expiration date.

 

You could confront her but I have a feeling you're experiencing the beginning of the end, regardless.

[RatherNotSay]

You have every right to be suspicious.

I say;

End it while you still can. While it's still in your hands to end it.

[Tribble]

How does your family know she was raped? Did you tell them? Does she know they know? This is a very personal piece of information. Particularly if people who judge her for it know about it. Is this the whole reason why you aren't proposing to her? Have you discussed the future of your relationship? If she wants to get married, and you do not (regardless of the reason), this relationship needs to end. Maybe she is realising this by being more open to guys.

 

No-one knows if she's cheating or even acting inappropriately - except her. She did tell you about the flirting, which is good, she didn't try to hide it. She could be having an affair or you could be seeing things that aren't there because you saw the friend request. Now is the time to really assess your relationship and if it's even going anywhere. If not, time for both of you to move on.

[ettienne]

So what, I'm supposed to propose and see what she says? You think even if she isn't cheating the relationship is doomed anyway because I waited too long. This morning I was going through her internet history and there were searching for things like "5 years no proposal". To me that says she still wants it, but is concerned it won't happen.

 

My family doesn't want to accept her, she knows it and I know it. That wasn't an automatic deal breaker. Many people marry someone their parents don't like. It shouldn't be an automatic disqualification, unless the parents have a good reason. Mine don't, at least not to me.

 

She was a bit unsure about my family disliking her because she wants a close family. They liked her before we got together. They like her as a person, not as my girlfriend or wife.

 

My family knows she was raped because we were both being treated for PTSD at the same hospital, at the same time. I was older than her and farther along than she was. I frequently talked to her and helped her, my parents met her there when they would go with me. My mom has also seen the brand mark that my GF has burned into her skin.

 

My family knows that I want to propose and stand by their decision not to support it. My GF is aware of that and she also knows it is holding me back. I don't want to completely walk away from my family and neither of us want the stress of dealing with unsupportive family. I have been trying to get my family on board with the decision.

[usa1ah]

I believe you waited to long and have made her feel like damaged goods. If you love her like you say, you should not have listened to your family. It doesn't sound like she is cheating but looking for options sense you have not proposed.

[CobraX]

My family knows that I want to propose and stand by their decision not to support it. My GF is aware of that and she also knows it is holding me back. I don't want to completely walk away from my family and neither of us want the stress of dealing with unsupportive family. I have been trying to get my family on board with the decision.

 

Look man... it's your choice. Either propose or breakup. 5 years is way too damn long. If you choose her then she should stop talking to this guy. Give it a month post proposal and if her behavior doesn't change tell her to block this guy from her Facebook. Don't be a limp rag about it, be very upfront and strong in demanding no contact.

 

This is easy so go get it done!

[DKT3]

What I get from this as you tell it, is your woman met a guy who has shown an interest in her and since you're not giving her what she needs from this relationship it's causing her to both question it and lose nterest. It does sound like she is communicating with the new guy, maybe even cheating.

 

My question for you is are you prepared to offer her what she needs? If not, maybe it's time to let her go. It's not fair for you (knowing fully what she wants) to attempt to maintain this relationship if you're going to continue to drag your feet and blame your parents for it.

 

As the saying goes, sh@t or get off the pot.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, what are really the odds that you can talk to your family into accepting her?

 

If they haven't accepted her after 5 years, what makes you believe they will now?

 

You have a choice to make, and you need to make it damn soon. She's apparently already looking elsewhere.

[lolablue17]

What ever you decide, I advice you to decide today, and let her know your decision.

[Darren Steez]

A woman wants a strong partner who not only has her back but is also her protector and able to provide.

 

My over riding feeling is if you wanted to marry her you would have done it, she knows it, you know it.

 

Not only is the traumatic event in her life haunting her but its also staining her standing with your folks, even if you did marry it will be difficult to ever bridge that gap.

 

She seems to be exploring her options because this relationship might be at a dead end.

 

Only she knows if she cheated but she doesnt see you backing up your love with commitment and you know dudes will be queuing up..

[kgcolonel]

So what, I'm supposed to propose and see what she says? You think even if she isn't cheating the relationship is doomed anyway because I waited too long. This morning I was going through her internet history and there were searching for things like "5 years no proposal". To me that says she still wants it, but is concerned it won't happen.

 

My family doesn't want to accept her, she knows it and I know it. That wasn't an automatic deal breaker. Many people marry someone their parents don't like. It shouldn't be an automatic disqualification, unless the parents have a good reason. Mine don't, at least not to me.

 

She was a bit unsure about my family disliking her because she wants a close family. They liked her before we got together. They like her as a person, not as my girlfriend or wife.

 

My family knows she was raped because we were both being treated for PTSD at the same hospital, at the same time. I was older than her and farther along than she was. I frequently talked to her and helped her, my parents met her there when they would go with me. My mom has also seen the brand mark that my GF has burned into her skin.

 

My family knows that I want to propose and stand by their decision not to support it. My GF is aware of that and she also knows it is holding me back. I don't want to completely walk away from my family and neither of us want the stress of dealing with unsupportive family. I have been trying to get my family on board with the decision.

 

When a MAN proposes to a woman, "he shall leave the family and cling to his wife". I think if you're really wanting to marry this girl, you should do so and let your family accept it or not. This is what men do.

[Try]

My family knows that I want to propose and stand by their decision not to support it. My GF is aware of that and she also knows it is holding me back. I don't want to completely walk away from my family and neither of us want the stress of dealing with unsupportive family. I have been trying to get my family on board with the decision.

So your GF knows that her being raped, and your family's view of her because of this, is holding you back because you do not want to "walk away" from you family for her. That right there tells me that if she was my daughter I would strongly be telling her not to marry you, because at the end of the day you do not have her back.

 

At the end of the day, you are just not good marriage material. I wish her luck in finding someone else that will always be there for her without question. If this other guy turns out to be that person, good for her. Until then, I would advise her to break up with you ASAP as she needs to begin any new relationship without the baggage of cheating.

[Tribble]

So what, I'm supposed to propose and see what she says? You think even if she isn't cheating the relationship is doomed anyway because I waited too long.

 

No, I don't think you should just propose. At this point, you'd be proposing to 'keep her'. This is not a good reason to propose. One of my friends did this and it did not end well. You should propose because you want to marry her and spend your life building a life with her.

 

My family knows that I want to propose and stand by their decision not to support it. My GF is aware of that and she also knows it is holding me back. I don't want to completely walk away from my family and neither of us want the stress of dealing with unsupportive family. I have been trying to get my family on board with the decision.

 

And where has this got you? You aren't going to change their mind. Right or wrong, this is what they have decided. What you have to decide is what you are going to do about it. Are you going to walk away from someone you want to marry because your parents don't approve or are you going to stand by your woman and show them you think she's worth it? It doesn't sound like your parents will disown you (although I don't know) but your time is up. You don't have time to convince them anymore. The longer this goes on, the more you are showing your gf that your parents opinion means more than your life with her. She knows this is why you aren't proposing. Not only did this truly horrible thing happen to her, it's continuing to affect her life. Poor girl.

 

Time to make up your mind.

[ettienne]

My girlfriend has been talking to another man lately and even though she says it's innocent there seems to be flirting going on. I asked her to stop talking to him and she said that was controlling and they were just friends, and if there was no trust in the relationship than we don't have a relationship. I've been watching what she says to him and she hasn't said anything that clearly points to cheating, but it is flirting. ie. him telling her how good she looks, smilies, talking about stupid things.

 

We had sex 3x last week and each time before I finished I pulled off the condom. I was behind her and we use a lot of lube so she didn't notice. If she did notice she didn't say anything. She isn't on birth control, we use condoms. It was f'ing stupid. In the moment I was thinking she won't go to another man if she's pregnant, another man won't want her if she's pregnant, and maybe my family will accept her if she is having their grandbaby. It was f'ing stupid though. I know people who have taken months of timing and planning to get pregnant so maybe it won't happen. If it does though I don't know. Condoms fail. Financially we're fine. I'll marry her. I can't tell her about it.

 

If she doesn't get pregnant I think our relationship has to end. Obviously we aren't healthy together. I feel like a psychotic woman who tries to trap a man. I don't want a kid, not like this.

[whichwayisup]

What you did was so wrong and manipulative...And you know that.

 

If she is pregnant, your relationship is still unhealthy. No innocent baby is going to magically make all the problems you two have disappear.

 

End it with her because you don't trust her. To hold her captive and hope your family will accept her IF she is pregnant will not work.

 

Please get counseling. I say that respectfully.

[ettienne]

I don't think I need counselling, I think I need out of this relationship (if she isn't pregnant). It's making me do stupid things. I know the choice I made was frickin' stupid. Pregnancy could solve our issues. She'd get an engagement/marriage which she wants.

[Space Ritual]

My girlfriend has been talking to another man lately and even though she says it's innocent there seems to be flirting going on. I asked her to stop talking to him and she said that was controlling and they were just friends, and if there was no trust in the relationship than we don't have a relationship. I've been watching what she says to him and she hasn't said anything that clearly points to cheating, but it is flirting. ie. him telling her how good she looks, smilies, talking about stupid things.

 

We had sex 3x last week and each time before I finished I pulled off the condom. I was behind her and we use a lot of lube so she didn't notice. If she did notice she didn't say anything. She isn't on birth control, we use condoms. It was f'ing stupid. In the moment I was thinking she won't go to another man if she's pregnant, another man won't want her if she's pregnant, and maybe my family will accept her if she is having their grandbaby. It was f'ing stupid though. I know people who have taken months of timing and planning to get pregnant so maybe it won't happen. If it does though I don't know. Condoms fail. Financially we're fine. I'll marry her. I can't tell her about it.

 

If she doesn't get pregnant I think our relationship has to end. Obviously we aren't healthy together. I feel like a psychotic woman who tries to trap a man. I don't want a kid, not like this.

 

What a sad update.

 

 

I already told you once this relationship was long over.

 

In what reality do you think getting her pregnant will solve your problems? You need to let her go. It has become far too toxic.When you start pulling stunts like this you have lost any sense of actual care for someone you purport to love, and are moving toward wanting to own her for your own purposes.

 

In my earlier post I gave you advice based on what you told us originally but you have gone overboard with your actions.

 

Whichwayisup is correct. You DO need some kind of counseling. That kind of behavior is disturbing. Do you live in such a culturally stunted place that people would deem this as acceptable behavior? I doubt it. You have access to the Internet so you are not living in a cave.

 

Break it off with this woman and get some help. And do it for yourself. If you don't any future relationship you are in will literally stop at the same point.