What's Holding Me Back From Talking To Girls

[Dark Horse]

One of my goals in 2017 is to get better with women, i'm 22 years old with no experience whatsoever, except for being on just one date in late 2016 after a year in a half of trying online dating.

 

One problem I have is that every time I see an attractive girl even if I know her, I don't even try to talk to her or ask her out because I have a hard time coping with the fact that she's talking to other guys and dating other guys. And if you like a girl that's decently attractive, it's almost guaranteed that she's talking to other guys, dating other guys. It's just how women are, they always have options, it's like a competition. I just get paranoid with the fact that what if she's out kissing other guys, ***ing other guys. And why would she choose me? And if there's a girl I like and I see her having a good time with another guy, I get super paranoid.

 

I swear that holds me back so much. Even the girl I went on a date with was texting and snapchatting other guys. Near the end of it, she showed me her snapchat and said look at all of the guys trying to talk to me as if she were trying to boast or get an emotional reaction out of me.

 

Women have it EASY, you have no ***ing idea.

 

How do I cope with the fact that there's always another guy?

[Lilyana76]

you just have to learn to trust that if a girl is with you, she only wants YOU. If you can't trust, you won't ever find a meaningful and long term relationship.

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like you have issues over possessiveness and jealousy for people you don't even actually know and aren't even dating.

 

Possessiveness and jealousy can seriously kill a relationship so you need to nip it in the bud and learn to control your emotions.

 

Have you spoken to a therapist about this? If not I would strongly advise that you do.

[NinjaX]

Insecurity and uncertainty holds you back.

 

 

For me, I don't care how many guys a girl is talking to or dating if we are not in an exclusive relationship.

 

 

From a psychological perspective, you want a girl because you want to feel validated. Deep in your mind, you believe that if you can possess one girl to have her love you and only you, you will feel more confident.

 

 

What you need to learn is you should be the source of validation for yourself. I can see that you feel bad because you are inexperienced with women, and that insecurity is going to drive women away. Once you are at a point that you are fully confident in yourself, single or not, then you will be entering relationship with the mindset of just giving instead of unconsciously needing validation.

 

 

You're a young guy so you have time to improve yourself. Put yourself out there, date different women, learn from those experiences. It's the best way to learn.

[ZA Dater]

One of my goals in 2017 is to get better with women, i'm 22 years old with no experience whatsoever, except for being on just one date in late 2016 after a year in a half of trying online dating.

 

One problem I have is that every time I see an attractive girl even if I know her, I don't even try to talk to her or ask her out because I have a hard time coping with the fact that she's talking to other guys and dating other guys. And if you like a girl that's decently attractive, it's almost guaranteed that she's talking to other guys, dating other guys. It's just how women are, they always have options, it's like a competition. I just get paranoid with the fact that what if she's out kissing other guys, ***ing other guys. And why would she choose me? And if there's a girl I like and I see her having a good time with another guy, I get super paranoid.

 

I swear that holds me back so much. Even the girl I went on a date with was texting and snapchatting other guys. Near the end of it, she showed me her snapchat and said look at all of the guys trying to talk to me as if she were trying to boast or get an emotional reaction out of me.

 

Women have it EASY, you have no ***ing idea.

 

How do I cope with the fact that there's always another guy?

 

 

A good date would not go out of her way to show there are other guys. If she does this you need to wonder if she is worth pursuing to begin with.

 

 

The why someone should choose you is an valid and interesting question to ask but to ask it you need to be ok with who you are, be comfortable in your own skin and with that you will exhibit some confidence which I am told helps immeasurably.

 

 

The fact they have option is an issue, you are only human to think that and at that point you need to decide

 

 

a: Do I really want to date

b: If do, how do I make myself likeable and datable to the target audience I have in mind.

 

Take it from me, wondering what girls you like are doing with other guys is a huge waste of time and a hugely mentally draining. Avoid doing this.

 

 

In my opinion start with you, find reasons to feel good, find reasons to exude confidence, simply try and be happy with yourself on your own. Sure, you might not get a date doing this but you will feel better, that much I am certain.

 

 

Look around you with open eyes and not blinkers, the world creates this dating is so lovely thing but is it really. Yes, try to get dates, simply meeting people can enrich ones life immeasurable simply because we aren't designed to be loners.

[normal person]

One problem I have is that every time I see an attractive girl even if I know her, I don't even try to talk to her or ask her out because I have a hard time coping with the fact that she's talking to other guys and dating other guys. And if you like a girl that's decently attractive, it's almost guaranteed that she's talking to other guys, dating other guys. It's just how women are, they always have options, it's like a competition.

 

Of course it's almost guaranteed a girl at 22 years old is dating other guys. It's not "like" a competition, it actually is a competition. Men want women, and are biologically programmed basically to seek out as many as they can. And there are only so many. Supply and demand. If you want a woman, you have to enter the competition and compete. No one is going to give the benefit of the doubt or a participation trophy. It's a survival of the fittest.

 

The solution is to summon the willpower and courage to face your fears. Step out of your comfort zone, try new things, learn from your mistakes, and readjust your methodology until you get what you want. It will be probably uncomfortable and strenuous, but most things worth doing aren't easy.

 

I just get paranoid with the fact that what if she's out kissing other guys, ***ing other guys.

 

She's 22 -- she's definitely out banging other guys, and you need to get over it. The sooner you accept this, the better and stronger you'll be. She doesn't owe you anything. Fortune favors the bold, and there's nothing bold about crippling inaction and paranoia.

 

And why would she choose me?

 

You need to answer this question yourself. If you can't come up with anything, there's your problem. You need to give her a reason to choose you rather than just expect her to for absolutely no reason. Women don't want men with nothing going for them. There's a reason they like rich men. There's a reason they like powerful men, and there's a reason they like strong men. They all provide a better chance of survival and reproduction. There's a reason women don't like weak, unconfident, passive men -- on a biological level, they're advertising how ineffectual they are at survival and reproduction. And life's most primal urges are to survive and reproduce, not die childless.

 

I swear that holds me back so much. Even the girl I went on a date with was texting and snapchatting other guys. Near the end of it, she showed me her snapchat and said look at all of the guys trying to talk to me as if she were trying to boast or get an emotional reaction out of me.

 

Ask yourself this: why would you sit there and put up with that rather than something like telling her how disrespectful that is, and/or just leaving? Rather than assert yourself, why did you let a woman basically treat you, a grown man, like a doormat? Whatever the answer, learn from it, conquer it, and make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

Women have it EASY, you have no ***ing idea.

 

No they don't. Womens' problems are just as valid. Many of them have to sift through a mountain of undesirable, deceitful guys harboring loads of other issues before they find the right one. Look on these forums, you'll find just as many women complaining about their interpersonal problems as men. Just because they aren't the same problems yours doesn't mean they aren't valid, or that they have it "easy."

 

How do I cope with the fact that there's always another guy?

 

Realize and accept the fact that life and dating/relationships are uncomfortable, Darwinistic, competitions where the most adaptable, strong, cunning, and resourceful are typically rewarded and the inactive, passive, fearful ones who opt out of the competition are left in the dust. Then, use your fear of not getting left in the dust to motivate you to get off your butt and do something about your situation: step out of your comfort zone, try new things (such as asserting yourself as a fearless grown man), learn from what happens, and repeat the process until you get the desired results.

 

I'll save you the money on therapy. I understand that you're scared, but you can either summon the strength to conquer your fear, or let it conquer you. Those who conquer their fear, work hard, and adapt have a much better chance of success than those who don't. Most of this isn in your head. All you have to do is get a reason for women to think you're a good provider and protector, then stop being paralyzed by fear. Everything else will fall into place.

 

Sorry it's not the response you want, but it's the one you need. Best of luck.

Edited January 11, 2017 by normal person

[Chris2016]

ZA have some good advice. It's natural you have those feelings. I think also if the lady reciprocate, shows her interest, those feelings will be less.

[Miss Peach]

I've been on both sides of the fence on this... I've been pursued by men and I've picked up women. It's just different... not necessarily easy on one side of the fence.

 

I bet your attitude and lack of assertiveness/confidence is what's killing you with women. Most women do not want the non-confident, inexperienced man. I actually happen to be dating one right now but if he had done his normal routine with me or shown the negativity he used to have with me I wouldn't have given him a chance.

[GemmaUK]

Of course it's almost guaranteed a girl at 22 years old is dating other guys. It's not "like" a competition, it actually is a competition. Men want women, and are biologically programmed basically to seek out as many as they can. And there are only so many. Supply and demand. If you want a woman, you have to enter the competition and compete. No one is going to give the benefit of the doubt or a participation trophy. It's a survival of the fittest.

 

The solution is to summon the willpower and courage to face your fears. Step out of your comfort zone, try new things, learn from your mistakes, and readjust your methodology until you get what you want. It will be probably uncomfortable and strenuous, but most things worth doing aren't easy.

 

 

 

She's 22 -- she's definitely out banging other guys, and you need to get over it. The sooner you accept this, the better and stronger you'll be. She doesn't owe you anything. Fortune favors the bold, and there's nothing bold about crippling inaction and paranoia.

 

 

 

You need to answer this question yourself. If you can't come up with anything, there's your problem. You need to give her a reason to choose you rather than just expect her to for absolutely no reason. Women don't want men with nothing going for them. There's a reason they like rich men. There's a reason they like powerful men, and there's a reason they like strong men. They all provide a better chance of survival and reproduction. There's a reason women don't like weak, unconfident, passive men -- on a biological level, they're advertising how ineffectual they are at survival and reproduction. And life's most primal urges are to survive and reproduce, not die childless.

 

 

 

Ask yourself this: why would you sit there and put up with that rather than something like telling her how disrespectful that is, and/or just leaving? Rather than assert yourself, why did you let a woman basically treat you, a grown man, like a doormat? Whatever the answer, learn from it, conquer it, and make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

 

 

No they don't. Womens' problems are just as valid. Many of them have to sift through a mountain of undesirable, deceitful guys harboring loads of other issues before they find the right one. Look on these forums, you'll find just as many women complaining about their interpersonal problems as men. Just because they aren't the same problems yours doesn't mean they aren't valid, or that they have it "easy."

 

 

 

Realize and accept the fact that life and dating/relationships are uncomfortable, Darwinistic, competitions where the most adaptable, strong, cunning, and resourceful are typically rewarded and the inactive, passive, fearful ones who opt out of the competition are left in the dust. Then, use your fear of not getting left in the dust to motivate you to get off your butt and do something about your situation: step out of your comfort zone, try new things (such as asserting yourself as a fearless grown man), learn from what happens, and repeat the process until you get the desired results.

 

I'll save you the money on therapy. I understand that you're scared, but you can either summon the strength to conquer your fear, or let it conquer you. Those who conquer their fear, work hard, and adapt have a much better chance of success than those who don't. Most of this isn in your head. All you have to do is get a reason for women to think you're a good provider and protector, then stop being paralyzed by fear. Everything else will fall into place.

 

Sorry it's not the response you want, but it's the one you need. Best of luck.

 

This is it!

All I would add is that on occasions a woman may/might ask you out.

I did - it led to a 14 year RS.

Many women won't do this and me I wait for someone to be upfront with me but it ain't happening so if I like I have to do something - same as you do.

Most folk - even colleagues assume I am happily married - just based upon how I look. I am labelled as slim, pretty and intelligent..

I'm often told that I should have been snapped up both by folk who know me and have done for years and by strangers in queues too.

[ZA Dater]

Of course it's almost guaranteed a girl at 22 years old is dating other guys. It's not "like" a competition, it actually is a competition. Men want women, and are biologically programmed basically to seek out as many as they can. And there are only so many. Supply and demand. If you want a woman, you have to enter the competition and compete. No one is going to give the benefit of the doubt or a participation trophy. It's a survival of the fittest.

 

The solution is to summon the willpower and courage to face your fears. Step out of your comfort zone, try new things, learn from your mistakes, and readjust your methodology until you get what you want. It will be probably uncomfortable and strenuous, but most things worth doing aren't easy.

 

 

 

She's 22 -- she's definitely out banging other guys, and you need to get over it. The sooner you accept this, the better and stronger you'll be. She doesn't owe you anything. Fortune favors the bold, and there's nothing bold about crippling inaction and paranoia.

 

 

 

You need to answer this question yourself. If you can't come up with anything, there's your problem. You need to give her a reason to choose you rather than just expect her to for absolutely no reason. Women don't want men with nothing going for them. There's a reason they like rich men. There's a reason they like powerful men, and there's a reason they like strong men. They all provide a better chance of survival and reproduction. There's a reason women don't like weak, unconfident, passive men -- on a biological level, they're advertising how ineffectual they are at survival and reproduction. And life's most primal urges are to survive and reproduce, not die childless.

 

 

 

Ask yourself this: why would you sit there and put up with that rather than something like telling her how disrespectful that is, and/or just leaving? Rather than assert yourself, why did you let a woman basically treat you, a grown man, like a doormat? Whatever the answer, learn from it, conquer it, and make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

 

 

No they don't. Womens' problems are just as valid. Many of them have to sift through a mountain of undesirable, deceitful guys harboring loads of other issues before they find the right one. Look on these forums, you'll find just as many women complaining about their interpersonal problems as men. Just because they aren't the same problems yours doesn't mean they aren't valid, or that they have it "easy."

 

 

 

Realize and accept the fact that life and dating/relationships are uncomfortable, Darwinistic, competitions where the most adaptable, strong, cunning, and resourceful are typically rewarded and the inactive, passive, fearful ones who opt out of the competition are left in the dust. Then, use your fear of not getting left in the dust to motivate you to get off your butt and do something about your situation: step out of your comfort zone, try new things (such as asserting yourself as a fearless grown man), learn from what happens, and repeat the process until you get the desired results.

 

I'll save you the money on therapy. I understand that you're scared, but you can either summon the strength to conquer your fear, or let it conquer you. Those who conquer their fear, work hard, and adapt have a much better chance of success than those who don't. Most of this isn in your head. All you have to do is get a reason for women to think you're a good provider and protector, then stop being paralyzed by fear. Everything else will fall into place.

 

Sorry it's not the response you want, but it's the one you need. Best of luck.

 

I am inclined to agree with this even if still feel the intrinsic idea is wrong.

 

 

Ultimately OP you make a choice, try find what you want with other people or find it with yourself. What I mean by this is decided if you want to date and then go all out, if not find other things to fill that void. You cant in my opinion sit in the middle of action and inaction, I have been there and its really not a nice space to be in.

 

 

Comfort zones are mentioned often but I think do what you are comfortable with, identify who you are trying to appeal to and try adapt to someone that person may like, again I don't really agree with this but it seems to be the only way.

 

 

Another piece of advice, don't grovel, reading your post suggests to me that perhaps in your keenness to date you let things slide, don't do this, no date better than a bad one.

 

 

Perhaps be a bit more hard nosed in the way you do things but I say it again construct some sort of happy medium before you even try to date, learn about what you like in general because you may come to the conclusion dating isn't for you. Take the emotion out of it, what exactly is dating when you take that away. Its simply trying to impress someone sufficiently to form some sort of bond with them. You either subscribe to that or you don't.

[normal person]

Comfort zones are mentioned often but I think do what you are comfortable with, identify who you are trying to appeal to and try adapt to someone that person may like, again I don't really agree with this but it seems to be the only way.

 

I think the "comfort zones" and security they provide are often what keeps people from making progress and getting the things they really desire. OP can stay where he is and have the comfort of not having to face the challenges and mistakes, or he can leave his comfort zone, face the adversity, and fight for a chance at what he ultimately wants. Something like this needs to be fought for. It isn't comfortable, safe, or nice. It's a survival of the fittest.

 

 

Perhaps be a bit more hard nosed in the way you do things but I say it again construct some sort of happy medium before you even try to date, learn about what you like in general because you may come to the conclusion dating isn't for you. Take the emotion out of it, what exactly is dating when you take that away. Its simply trying to impress someone sufficiently to form some sort of bond with them. You either subscribe to that or you don't.

 

I'd disagree with the thought of "trying to impress someone." The impressing should really be a byproduct of who you are as a person rather than something set forth by design. You should be assertive not simply "to" impress someone, but because the world is a tough place to live and asserting yourself gives you better odds of making it. Consequently, that will make your more attractive as a result and may impress someone. Both might yield the same result, yes, but better to be genuine and really understand the value of the philosophy and extrapolate to other aspects of life rather than just being an actor. Granted, these things take time and a lot of trial and error to understand.

[ZA Dater]

I think the "comfort zones" and security they provide are often what keeps people from making progress and getting the things they really desire. OP can stay where he is and have the comfort of not having to face the challenges and mistakes, or he can leave his comfort zone, face the adversity, and fight for a chance at what he ultimately wants. Something like this needs to be fought for. It isn't comfortable, safe, or nice. It's a survival of the fittest.

 

 

 

 

I'd disagree with the thought of "trying to impress someone." The impressing should really be a byproduct of who you are as a person rather than something set forth by design. You should be assertive not simply "to" impress someone, but because the world is a tough place to live and asserting yourself gives you better odds of making it. Consequently, that will make your more attractive as a result and may impress someone. Both might yield the same result, yes, but better to be genuine and really understand the value of the philosophy and extrapolate to other aspects of life rather than just being an actor. Granted, these things take time and a lot of trial and error to understand.

 

I think what I am advocating the OP do is a balance, you cant just jump into the deep end and hope to swim. He need to be happy with himself first before he tries to date.

 

 

My thoughts on this so called "fight" don't mirror many others here, fight he fights you have a fair chance of winning, walk away from those you simply cannot win. We don't have cheerleaders per se here but I never bothered with those sorts of girls because I knew I had no chance, I did ask one out once and got rejected in front of an entire crowd. Hence me saying he should have an idea of the sort of person he finds attractive first and then ascertain if that is gettable and what steps need to be taken and then to decide what is possible based on what is needed.

 

 

You can live in a comfort zone and still be challenges, still face adversity you don't need to move out of that to face those things. Ultimately he needs to decide what he wants and at 22 he is lucky there is a lot of time to step back and self improve.

 

 

I disagree, you cannot fundamentally change who you are, if you are shy you are always going to be shy, you wont be the extrovert, better to accept that and try to be an extrovert when you need to be than trying to be it all the time because that isn't possible.

 

 

You and I both know examples of people who go to ridiculous superficial ends to impress people and we both know it works, being in NYC I'd imagine you have seen that. Fact is it does work, its the bait of attraction if you are prepared to do it. How many people overstate themselves on dating sites, 99.9% would be my guess. You say its survival of the fittest, perhaps so but it certainly isn't done without being superficial.

 

 

OP, the most important thing is to just keep believing, keep working towards what you want, small steps. As someone who has for the most part given up I can tell you the search does yield great memories, things you will look back on as good memories but please don't let girls walk all over you, hold your head high, be reasonable, assertive and look them in the eye as an equal.

[Sweetfish]

One of my goals in 2017 is to get better with women, i'm 22 years old with no experience whatsoever, except for being on just one date in late 2016 after a year in a half of trying online dating.

 

One problem I have is that every time I see an attractive girl even if I know her, I don't even try to talk to her or ask her out because I have a hard time coping with the fact that she's talking to other guys and dating other guys. And if you like a girl that's decently attractive, it's almost guaranteed that she's talking to other guys, dating other guys. It's just how women are, they always have options, it's like a competition. I just get paranoid with the fact that what if she's out kissing other guys, ***ing other guys. And why would she choose me? And if there's a girl I like and I see her having a good time with another guy, I get super paranoid.

 

I swear that holds me back so much. Even the girl I went on a date with was texting and snapchatting other guys. Near the end of it, she showed me her snapchat and said look at all of the guys trying to talk to me as if she were trying to boast or get an emotional reaction out of me.

 

Women have it EASY, you have no ***ing idea.

 

How do I cope with the fact that there's always another guy?

 

Illusion my friend. Men have it easy. Men just actively seek difficult scenarios.

[preraph]

You have a lot of insecurity. Secure people, men or women, aren't threatened by their date or mate talking to other people because they know their worth and they figure their date or mate knows it or wouldn't be going out with them and also that if their date or mate does flake and run off with someone else (after commitment), that now they know they're not who they hoped they'd be and are confident they can do better.

 

So don't blame women and their situation for it. Remember they have to worry constantly about getting pregnant, getting taken advantage of just for sex, and getting assaulted. This is your internal problem you should work on because no one is going to isolate themselves from the get-go just to keep from you being insecure about it.

[ZA Dater]

You have a lot of insecurity. Secure people, men or women, aren't threatened by their date or mate talking to other people because they know their worth and they figure their date or mate knows it or wouldn't be going out with them and also that if their date or mate does flake and run off with someone else (after commitment), that now they know they're not who they hoped they'd be and are confident they can do better.

 

So don't blame women and their situation for it. Remember they have to worry constantly about getting pregnant, getting taken advantage of just for sex, and getting assaulted. This is your internal problem you should work on because no one is going to isolate themselves from the get-go just to keep from you being insecure about it.

 

 

I agree, people need to put their trust somewhere.