Lost and Obsessed.

[RatherNotSay]

I didn't believe in love. I didn't know I'm capable to feel how I felt, or to fall so deeply in love that everything you do and every thought that passes by an image of her appears right infront of me.

 

It all started as a love story, at first I didn't want anything serious, I just wanted to have fun, where she was madly in love with me. Before getting together with "HER" (lets call her "HER"), we both were in a committed relationship. But the moment we met, we started kinda cheating on our ex's, (it was because i wasn't in-love with the girl). We started running away from everything that is bad in this world and in the middle of night, just to hug each other. Just to stare at one another. This went on for quite some time, till we both decided its enough and we should stop seeing each other. ( Because we didnt want to hurt our partners). Well, that didn't workout, we last maybe one week without contact. Actually, she was the one so attached at first, and she couldn't get enough from me. And yes, it felt good. Still, not love, only good.

 

So, finally, I didn't want to continue lying etc, so I broke up with my partner and so did she, so we could be together. And we lived her last semester in college together and I swear it was a fairy tale.

 

We literally spent more than 10 hours together every single day, most of the times 24h. And I swear, when I went to the bathroom and went back to her, I would miss her.

 

At first, I didn't want this to be serious, because I can't love or I had never fallen in love, I didn't know I'm capable to. I'm a hard person, specially with feelings, (so you can imagine how hard writing this is for me, but I'm tired.)

 

I started feeling something for her, and when I did, things started to get bad.

The semester was about to finish, "HER" graduation is in a week, and she wants me to meet her parents.

 

I wanted to do nothing but make sure that she would have the best semester of her life, if not the best 4 -6 months. Doing that, I believe it made my happiness to depends on her.

 

Its graduation time, I've met the parents. I loved them and they loved me.

Her parents are strict. and when it was 12 am and her father told me to take his daughter and bring her home safe, this was the first time I ACTUALLY FELT SOMETHING INSIDE. It snapped. Couldn't resist it. Was this what they call a butterfly feeling? I mean, I know I loved her before meeting her parents, but what was that extra feeling that I felt? Did I fall in too deep?

 

****.

 

Yes, I've never loved before, and this, what I felt, everything in me, every inch of my body craves "HER". I got addicted, obsessed with her. I tried to hide it, I tried to love her less. I couldn't. ...

 

I should mention also, SEX had a huge part in this. Having sex with her, with her goddess body, and the most beautiful face I had ever seen made my situation even much worse. She was my first..

 

Ceremony ended, she's traveling, and no more US, no more "HER". I start to panic, but hide perfectly, airplane is taking of in a bit, I want to cry.. but no I won't. I've never cried before, you won't see me crying.. she cries (ALOT and my heart ****ing hurts), she hugs me tight, don't let me go, .. she leaves and as I watch her leaving I know.. I'm ****ed.

 

The soon I went back home alone, my knees feel weak, I don't know what to do, I swear I couldn't hold myself together. I felt so weak I fell on the ground, didn't cry yet, got up, went and rolled a joint and smoked.

 

When she arrived, I contacted her, told her I'm fine, and we will for sure meet once again. How fool was I..

 

With time, troubles everyday, jealousy, (both sides) things started to go really bad, I can't sleep unless I smoke, it was my last semester I needed to pass. I thought to myself, even if you are feeling like ****, you will do better than everyone else, weirdly enough I did.

 

Every ****ing single day I wake up in, I look to my side I don't find her my heart ****ing breaks in two. She starts to distance her self, she starts telling her self this won't work. I know I ****ed up sometimes, but you ****ed me up. She starts noticing how attached I am to "HER". SHE KNOWS this was my last semester and I needed her, I wanted her. She knew she was my everything (I made her my everything), and without her I have nothing.

 

I swear, everyday I would think she would come and surprise me. She didn't.

she rather go visit other places than surprising me, she started to distance her self even more, in a way, that puts me in a hook. Everyday she would give a sweet word, and the next day breaks my heart.

 

It was my last exam, last final. As I was writing, I could swear I can smell her, I even saw glimpses of her waiting for me at the door to hug. Couldn't focus anymore, finished the exam early and went outside looking for her, I felt crazy.. I kept following a ghost, past images of her. She didn't come.. Neither to my graduation nor to see me before I travel. She decided we shouldn't be together anymore.. it's unhealthy,, you are unhealthy to me. She gets her parents to talk to me.. the people who loved me to tell me to leave their daughter alone. This ****ing broke me into a million piece.

 

But, I stepped on my heart, didn't reply back nor insult and left her alone.

Within a week, she starts to contact me again tell me she misses and and she wants me back. I wish I told her **** YOU ****K OFF. Guess what ? I went back with a blink of an eye. And the very next day, shes say, I was wrong leave me alone (SO ****ING COLD). THIS was when I started to go crazy. for the past year, my heart was broken every single day. And I felt like she didn't ****ing care not one bit.

 

Sometimes I hallucinate, daydream for hours about her. I'm so attached/obsessed about her.. not a single second passes without feeling pain, not hurt no, PAIN.

 

And yes, I cried. I cried often. I would hold it in, and when she says something ****ed up like leave me alone, I would fall apart.

 

I won't lie, I didn't trust her.. this is because I loved her I didn't trust, I knew how she is, how her brain operates, she honestly can't be trusted.

 

How can I trust her ? She cheated on "HER" ex with me, And the thought that she could do that on me too killed me. I knew she loved me (at first, later that was only taking advantage of me)

 

 

It was messed up. VERY. FINALLY, we meet. for the first time in a year, we meet in the same country we fell in love together in.

 

I told her I've missed her, I still love you, and I want you. She says I love you too... And I've missed you.. 5 seconds later.. no we wont be together.

I smiled.. she still doesn't know how I feel towards her, the pain.. I said ok, lets just spend some time together. And surely enough we spent the night, and she whispered to me **** the world I want you.

 

THE VERY NEXT DAY, she gets a call from her family. A few seconds later, she starts yelling at me, calling me names, wishing she never met with me again, wishing I would just disappear from her life and start yelling and screaming at me, and I was just standing still, she picks up her things and leaves, just before leaving, I ran inside and fell apart. I've never cried like this before, I started breaking things, punching the wall, I wanted this feeling to go away, I broke my fingers, cut my leg and what made it worse she was there to witness it all. She wanted to stay make sure I wont hurt myself more.

When I calmed down, she wanted to leave. I told her I want to see you tomorrow.. (I pity myself) she says don't pressure me, its not fair..

I stay quite for a second and reply: "no, it's not"

.

 

She left, and we never spoke since then which was on (Aug/2016).

 

And for the past almost two years (there's this itch in my skin that I need to hear from her. She has a ****ing tent in my brain and living and ****ting in there.

 

From time to time, the itch starts to irritate me, I need to talk to her. BUT I cant. The state she saw me in, I can't forgive myself for. I tried hanging out with other women, NOTHING WORKS. Only when I'm high I feel good.

 

She was my place to be, I ran from every ****ed up thing going on in my life to her, I didn't express anything to her, just watching her smile was more than good enough for me.

 

I was and still am truly deeply ****ed up and in love with her.

 

Even though she was the love of my life. BUT NOTHING is worth feeling how I'm feeling, AND I WISH I COULD, I WOULD, take it all away, just if I can go back in time, and ignore seeing or meeting her.

 

I would take it all away.

 

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST. BUT I'M GETTING TOO DEPRESSED AND STUCK.

I've lot my identity and my ability to be who I am. All because I fell in love.

 

I wish I never have.

[preraph]

The pressure of obsession will run off most people. It's too much pressure. It's unbalanced and heavily weighted toward the obsessed, and any unbalanced thing between friends or lovers just usually can't last. That's why obsessers hide it as long as they can, but usually people can tell because there's red flags. Once the obsesser goes off, then it usually just has to end. Because at that point, it's nothing the receiver can or wants to grasp. It veers into uncharted territory.

 

You're going to have to get in touch with your self-discipline to deal with this and not let yourself lose touch with reality. If you start having trouble confusing your dreams and fantasies with what is really going on, that becomes disassociation and you'll need help. If you can't accept reality through self-discipline and making yourself move on, that too you will need help for.

 

I've been there, so I know. You need to make yourself refocus and build some new memories and neural pathways that don't have her in them.

[RatherNotSay]

It's scary.. this thing I'm going through

 

I loved how you described it, this feeling.. You've honestly been through that? How did you move on from such a feeling? Time isn't helping obviously, I tried many types of distractions but still.. the feeling is the same, same pain, same dreams, and same visions.

 

I tried admitting, realizing I do have a problem, addiction (she's my addiction), still nothing works.

 

I don't think I can get help.. i need to do this on my own; And I'm only able to express this way here

Anyway, I rly appreciate your reply !!

[preraph]

My situation wasn't the same, but I was obsessed and didn't understand what was going on (went on for 3 years -- he would always come around and people thought we were an item, but he wouldn't sleep with me, so a bit different.) Years later, he told me he'd had erectile dysfunction from a childhood incident. It was very confusing because he wouldn't go away after we'd fight. And he'd tell me I wasn't quite his type or something like that, then I'd be crying, and I'd think he would go away now, but he wouldn't. It drove me crazy. You know, I was having trouble sleeping and would dream about it all night and one day walking to work, I realized I couldn't tell what had actually happened and what was a dream. I knew I was disassociating because I had read a lot of psychology at that point, and it scared me into starting to will myself to just accept that I must be imagining that we had a relationship or had very different ideas what a relationship was and to just shove it all aside and make myself stop thinking about him and it.

 

I had a good social life, so I leaned on that for distraction and then any time I'd think of him, I'd make myself think of two bad things for every good thought. I just kept doing that. I convinced myself it was me that was crazy and imagining this relationship and I moved on to a new relationship. But he still kept coming around, but I really did move on emotionally from him and ended the obsession, if only to kind of throw it onto the new guy. It was hard.

 

A decade later, I would visit him while in Hollywood where he now lived. He'd asked me to drive him to the airport when he moved there and I told him no, didn't want to get emotional and backslide. He married and had a baby and during the visit, with his wife in the room, he told me about his problem (ED). It lifted a weight from me. Another decade went by before I read my diaries I'd kept during this time, and I knew I wasn't imagining the relationship, but I had kind of damaged myself by accepting that it had to be me who was crazy and delusional, and I was a little crazy, but I was not delusional! We had a relationship and he was the one with the bigger problem.

 

I always still love the ones I did love, but I really did end the obsession. It took a while to heal of course and put myself back together, decades, really. He became (or continued being) an alcoholic and divorced and came to visit during a time I was kind of in love with another old flame. This was when I was nearly 50. We'd first met in our 20s. He was open to getting together, but I had moved on and he had a kid and lived across the US from me and I wasn't at all ready to relocate or have a kid around, really, not at this stage in my life anyway. He sobered up briefly and that's when he visited, but by the next time he was in town (his parents lived here), he was drinking again.

 

I finally got real about him, but it took every bit of willpower I had and really wanting to get past it. It's self-discipline. You have to be strong and want it.

[RatherNotSay]

I can very much relate to what you have said, what had actually happened and what was a dream..

Sorry for bringing it up again, but were you hurt ? (Obviously you were) But I mean the worst type of hurt, like I feel pain in my heart and I would do anything to stop it. Is it normal ?, I've rarely been scared before in my life, and this feeling been there for quite sometime now.

 

But you're right, it will need every bit of will power, and I have to be strong and want it. I just didn't know I'm capable to love someone this much, didn't know I can be weak to someone this much.

 

This is, the obsession "love", its an addiction. And it's the worst type of addiction.

[anika99]

Okay, well first of all you didn't cheat on your ex because you didn't love her, you cheated because you have it in you to cheat and deceive. So does the girl you left your ex for which is partly why relationships that are borne from cheating rarely survive. Because they are rife with distrust and drama from the start. The Romeo and Juliette love you are describing is actually more obsession than love. It was never sustainable. I think realizing that this isn't really love would help you let go and get over the fantasy.

[preraph]

I can very much relate to what you have said, what had actually happened and what was a dream..

Sorry for bringing it up again, but were you hurt ? (Obviously you were) But I mean the worst type of hurt, like I feel pain in my heart and I would do anything to stop it. Is it normal ?, I've rarely been scared before in my life, and this feeling been there for quite sometime now.

 

But you're right, it will need every bit of will power, and I have to be strong and want it. I just didn't know I'm capable to love someone this much, didn't know I can be weak to someone this much.

 

This is, the obsession "love", its an addiction. And it's the worst type of addiction.

 

Yes, I was hurt. I was hurt badly and during most of the time this was going on. I was hurt and it took a piece of me. It helped when I found out what was going on but that was long after I had to make myself move on. Even though he had ED, he was still crushing on and pursuing other women. I guess I was like his "old shirt." He admitted he leaned on me all those years later, and again he did have interest, but he was running from something inside him. Whether him going after a couple of very attractive women was genuine or whether it was a safe thing for him to pursue because it was unlikely they'd accept him so he'd never have to face his ED, I will never know for sure. But he was obsessed with two women over the course of his involvement with me. One simply didn't reciprocate and the other got involved but humiliated him (she was nuts anyway) and broke him. This happened after I'd already moved on to the next man and that had ended and he came over wanting comfort and stayed a couple of days during which time his room at the apartment he shared caught on fire and appeared to have been lit with a valentine I'd sent him in the past. His roommate thinks he did it leaving a lit cigarette, but unless he was totally lying to me about the timing, I think she did it. Because he was at my house when it supposedly happened, unless he was lying to me. Then he moved to Hollywood shortly after. He was a puddle on the floor those couple of days, crying, and in the middle of it, he had an epiphany (I cared but I was having trouble working up a lot of sympathy) and said "Oh, God, this is what I did to you, isn't it?"

[RatherNotSay]

Its funny how someone can confuse love with obsession and other messed up feelings.

 

Its just if I hear her name or even do any kind of activity, actually, shes there in my mind almost 24/7

 

but how you describe the situation is very .. blunt? and somewhat eye opening, I'll try looking at it the way you described it and see how things go. Maybe you're right, its all in my head, I just need to realize it (see it).

 

Still, its really hard m8. And thanks !

[RatherNotSay]

Yes, I was hurt. I was hurt badly and during most of the time this was going on. I was hurt and it took a piece of me. It helped when I found out what was going on but that was long after I had to make myself move on. Even though he had ED, he was still crushing on and pursuing other women. I guess I was like his "old shirt." He admitted he leaned on me all those years later, and again he did have interest, but he was running from something inside him. Whether him going after a couple of very attractive women was genuine or whether it was a safe thing for him to pursue because it was unlikely they'd accept him so he'd never have to face his ED, I will never know for sure. But he was obsessed with two women over the course of his involvement with me. One simply didn't reciprocate and the other got involved but humiliated him (she was nuts anyway) and broke him. This happened after I'd already moved on to the next man and that had ended and he came over wanting comfort and stayed a couple of days during which time his room at the apartment he shared caught on fire and appeared to have been lit with a valentine I'd sent him in the past. His roommate thinks he did it leaving a lit cigarette, but unless he was totally lying to me about the timing, I think she did it. Because he was at my house when it supposedly happened, unless he was lying to me. Then he moved to Hollywood shortly after. He was a puddle on the floor those couple of days, crying, and in the middle of it, he had an epiphany (I cared but I was having trouble working up a lot of sympathy) and said "Oh, God, this is what I did to you, isn't it?"

Well, you did love him, for you to put up with him and knowing the he had ED.

 

I can't say I know how he feels, but I can say I might understand why would he try to hit on other women, trying to prove something, or maybe run away from something, and maybe its all related to his ED problem.

 

You must have had loved him, knowing you moved on actually gives me strength. But, did he love you back ? The way you loved him.

[preraph]

Well, you did love him, for you to put up with him and knowing the he had ED.

 

I can't say I know how he feels, but I can say I might understand why would he try to hit on other women, trying to prove something, or maybe run away from something, and maybe its all related to his ED problem.

 

You must have had loved him, knowing you moved on actually gives me strength. But, did he love you back ? The way you loved him.

 

No, not the way I loved him. But he wouldn't go away and it often felt like he didn't want me but didn't want anyone else to have me.

When I met my new love, which was serious but also didn't work out (still friends 30 years later though) and he first saw me out with him kissing in a music bar, he literally jumped up and walked on tables to get to where I was at. But then he didn't know what to do once he got there. But that was his impulse. I think he had to solve his childhood abuse/ED problem before he could love someone in a healthy way, and that was his wife, but then he let alcohol destroy that.

[LoverOfDance]

@rathernotsay I've been there as well. I've loved and obsessed over someone who didn't love me. For 5 years, I woke up every morning thinking of him and I saw his face everywhere I went. I thought I would never get over him. It honestly felt impossible and it felt like time wouldn't help.

 

Time honestly ends up doing the trick but you have to help time as well. If not, you won't move on. You have to completely leave her in your past because that is where she belongs. Your broken heart right now is like an injury/wound. If you keep touching it, it will never heal. Stop making contact with her because every time you do, you reopen the injury in your heart. Let your heart heal. Don't ever contact her again. I believe that is the only way to heal.

 

 

On another note, that girl is completely bonkers. She is very immature and has serious issues. If you ask me, I'd say you dodged a very large bullet.