Break-ups due to change over time, evolving, no adapting?

[LookAtThisPOst]

It's not surprising when you hear that divorces or break ups from long term relationships occur, usually due to infidelities, abuse, etc.

 

But then there's the quite often lame, "We grew apart" and if you want specifics...it's usually due to the two's tastes, attitudes, beliefs, etc. change over time which can instigate a divorce or break-up.

 

I knew of someone that married in their early 20s that when they reached their early 30s and after having a kid...apparently after that amount of time has passed...it was like they were two completely different people. Their tastes in things, beliefs, evolving (as some would call it) .

 

Is this a valid excuse for breaking up or throwing in the towel and filing for divorce? Is there no adapting to the situation or even an attempt to work on it?

[MJJean]

I'm sure many couples who "evolve" down different paths try to adapt and work it out, but the reality is that sometimes the changes are so serious that the couple are simply no longer compatible and remaining in the marriage just isn't a viable option.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I'm sure many couples who "evolve" down different paths try to adapt and work it out, but the reality is that sometimes the changes are so serious that the couple are simply no longer compatible and remaining in the marriage just isn't a viable option.

 

I don't know, how would you define "serious" in this case? People I've known when they called it off for the above reasons and when specifics were given, I was scratching my head thinking, "Really, that's the reason? Doesn't sound bad to me as I'm thinking that's what's part of being in a marriage is all about."

 

Most would be vague with the we cop out of "We grew apart".

 

Now, if the person you were married to turned out to be gay, and just coming out, just as an example, that makes sense, but most reasons, at least to me, the reason wasn't much of a big deal to be calling it off.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I'm sure it happens a lot and people just stay together out of security as well. To me, recognizing that your relationship won't be fulfilling and an amicable split is a better course of action then trying to change and adapt to a situation where there is less fulfillment in your life If both parties reach the conclusion that they would be happier to split, then I say go for it. However I think that the world and our society pushes people in to marriage for stupid reasons and I see it all to often people get married for the wrong reasons. There is only one reason imo, that is that you have chosen a life partner and want nothing more then to spend the rest of your life with that person. I think people enter in to this world with no damn clue what exactly that means. As if getting the government involved in your relationship will automatically strengthen it. Or that life is a series of check marks that need to be checked off some unknown list to create fulfillment. Marriage being one of them.

 

This is actually pretty common in the empty nesters. They dedicated 18+ years to put their kids before everything else in life. Only to wake up one day when the kids are gone to find that they don't really like their spouses all that much. It hits hard all the stuff they just ignored and all the changes each person has been through in that time span. Like you wake up and realize your spouse isn't what you thought they were cause now you don't have anyone else occupating that space in your head.

 

A lot of people, I would say most even, put their kids above everything the second they are born. I'm of the mind that my wife comes before my kids, and think these people have it backwards. After all, I chose her for my life partner. My kids aren't that, they will move away from me eventually to find their own path. So I find it more important to work on my connection with her then with my kids.

 

I think the right balance, at least for me, is to put each other first individually, and as a team put the kids first. This does a couple of things. First it shows the kids that we do in fact love them very deeply that we would as a team put them before us. Second, it shows our kids that mom and dad are a team, that we make choices together for their benefits as well as our own. Third, it shows that mom trumps the kids to dad and dad trumps the kids to mom. This is important for many reasons imo. They see that a relationship or a healthy one involves spending time together and keeping your connection with your spouse alive and thriving. They can learn from our example that it's perfectly fine that the kids are shipped off to Grandma's house for a week simply so we can go on vacation together and keep our connection strong. That leaving them at a relatives place so we can spend some alone time together is very healthy for your relationship and that frankly kids just don't come first all the time, and that is perfectly fine and doesn't mean we don't love them. Lastly I hope it teaches them that life isn't some check list. Got a diploma, check. Got in to college, check. Got a degree, check. Got a career, check. Got a wife, check. Have some kids, check. Now I can live happily ever after! Yay!! Life simply doesn't work that way, never has, never will. I think this is a big issue in today's society with marriage in particular. Like life is some sort of game that can be won with planning and a strategy of sorts. That there is some defined path to happiness. Which just doesn't work if you live your life that way. Kids need to learn that there is always work to do to achieve your end game goals. Whatever they may be. My goal is to live with my wife by my side always. That is all.

 

 

I think people to often make the mistake of placing their kids above everything else in life. Then the kids have this sort of entitlement feeling growing up that they are above all in our eyes. I don't think that is healthy for a kid personally. A false sense of entitlement is about the most unattractive thing I can think of in a person. I certainly don't want my kids feeling this way. Those are the type of kids who live with a loony toon family who thinks participation awards are a good thing. That everyone is entitled to something just for existing. Not the case at all, and I hope our example will drive this point home. It takes work to achieve whatever goal you have in mind. For me personally, a life partner is about as lofty a goal as there is. It takes serious work, from beginning to end. If they learn anything from our example it's that I hope they realize that hard work needs to be put in on anything worthwhile. I can't think of a more worthwhile endgame battle then a life partner. The rewards are beyond measure imo and I hope they see the same value in something themselves some day, whatever that may be. I hope they work as hard tirelessly to achieve whatever goal they set for themselves and I hope they see that what you want in life will never stop requiring work on your part.

 

Hopefully we teach them that life simply isn't a a check list structure in which personal happiness is gained by running down the list of society driven notions. Also I hope they learn that your spouse trumps everything else, even your own kids sometimes. I hope that they learn that hard work pays off and that hard work is what will be required of them until they die.

 

In closing I think some of the people who get divorced thought that once they got married, they were off to another check list in life to achieve their happiness. I also think that some girls are more infatuated with the marriage ceremony then their actual relationship and thus ignore glaring red flags. They leap in to a relationship without regard for anything other then posting pictures on their Facebook pages to make their girlfriends jealous. Ignoring the fact that the man they are about to marry is a pos. Many young men ignore that same red flag of their fiance uttering the words "my special day" when referring to their wedding. As if the man isn't included in the process of their own wedding and marriage. The woman in this situation basically put the wedding ceremony above her own relationship. Not the type of woman I would ever marry and certainly not surprised when those types of women end up single mothers. Not surprised when the man in that relationship either doesn't live up to his end, or the wife doesn't life up to their end of the bargain. The ceremony was what was important in the beginning for them either way. Is it strange that their relationship was on the back burner to something as pointless as a marriage ceremony and suddenly ended? Not to me. If something that stupid can put your spouse on the back burner, it's bound to happen again repeatedly. Basically those who put the wedding above the relationship. Men are equally guilty of this, although I think in a different ways. Basically people enter into marriage for the wrong reasons and society is driving this nonsensical notion that life is a series of achievements to check off some magical list to happiness. Also that kids get married way to young and have no clue what or who they are at the point of marriage and simply grow to realize they married the wrong person. Which points to your example OP.

[Popsicle]

Their "growing apart" includes them having no romantic or sexual love left for each other either.

 

Add that to not sharing any activities, interests or time together and they feel very LONELY in their marriage. And neither of them have the drive to fix it.

 

They crave for human connection again so they divorce and move on.

[SolG]

I don't know, how would you define "serious" in this case? People I've known when they called it off for the above reasons and when specifics were given, I was scratching my head thinking, "Really, that's the reason? Doesn't sound bad to me as I'm thinking that's what's part of being in a marriage is all about."

 

Most would be vague with the we cop out of "We grew apart".

 

Now, if the person you were married to turned out to be gay, and just coming out, just as an example, that makes sense, but most reasons, at least to me, the reason wasn't much of a big deal to be calling it off.

 

People grow and change. It's inevitable. However, I don't think this is the issue. I think the issue is that some relationships don't grow in pace with the individuals that comprise them. IMO there's a whole fiction out there that in a union two just become the one homogeneous entity, without enough cognizance of the actual fact that while there is only one union... it still consists of two completely separate sentinent beings.

 

When individuals grow, they need to let their partners know. And correspondingly, their partner needs want to know and accept (as opposed to necessarily like) the growth. And then they need to jointly shape the nature of their relationship to accomodate... or not.

 

However, for some that can be a really scary prospect. To show your partner that you've changed takes vulnerability and risks rejection, particularly when it comes to our darker sides that are hidden during limerance. It can seem safer to just potter on pretending you're the same, that the union is the same, and continue to revert to the same old relationship behaviours. Facades and patterns become entrenched... and there's a compounding effect that the more entrenched these become... the more difficult it becomes to reveal and share true self. And this is so damaging to the fundamental building block of intimacy; knowing and being known for all that you are. Today, tomorrow, and the day after that. It's a continuous process.

 

Conflict gets a bad wrap, but it's actually crucial for relationships. If you never acknowledge and deal with individual difference... how can the relationship grow? I think it was Pittman that wrote that couples who never fight, or are still having the same conversations they've had for years are doing themselves and each other a disservice.

 

So I don't think it's the individual changing so much that causes growing apart, it's the insidious and over time failure to maintain true intimacy in the face of individual change.

Edited January 11, 2017 by SolG

[LookAtThisPOst]

I'm sure it happens a lot and people just stay together out of security as well. To me, recognizing that your relationship won't be fulfilling and an amicable split is a better course of action then trying to change and adapt to a situation where there is less fulfillment in your life If both parties reach the conclusion that they would be happier to split, then I say go for it. However I think that the world and our society pushes people in to marriage for stupid reasons and I see it all to often people get married for the wrong reasons. There is only one reason imo, that is that you have chosen a life partner and want nothing more then to spend the rest of your life with that person. I think people enter in to this world with no damn clue what exactly that means. As if getting the government involved in your relationship will automatically strengthen it. Or that life is a series of check marks that need to be checked off some unknown list to create fulfillment. Marriage being one of them.

 

This is actually pretty common in the empty nesters. They dedicated 18+ years to put their kids before everything else in life. Only to wake up one day when the kids are gone to find that they don't really like their spouses all that much. It hits hard all the stuff they just ignored and all the changes each person has been through in that time span. Like you wake up and realize your spouse isn't what you thought they were cause now you don't have anyone else occupating that space in your head.

 

A lot of people, I would say most even, put their kids above everything the second they are born. I'm of the mind that my wife comes before my kids, and think these people have it backwards. After all, I chose her for my life partner. My kids aren't that, they will move away from me eventually to find their own path. So I find it more important to work on my connection with her then with my kids.

 

I think the right balance, at least for me, is to put each other first individually, and as a team put the kids first. This does a couple of things. First it shows the kids that we do in fact love them very deeply that we would as a team put them before us. Second, it shows our kids that mom and dad are a team, that we make choices together for their benefits as well as our own. Third, it shows that mom trumps the kids to dad and dad trumps the kids to mom. This is important for many reasons imo. They see that a relationship or a healthy one involves spending time together and keeping your connection with your spouse alive and thriving. They can learn from our example that it's perfectly fine that the kids are shipped off to Grandma's house for a week simply so we can go on vacation together and keep our connection strong. That leaving them at a relatives place so we can spend some alone time together is very healthy for your relationship and that frankly kids just don't come first all the time, and that is perfectly fine and doesn't mean we don't love them. Lastly I hope it teaches them that life isn't some check list. Got a diploma, check. Got in to college, check. Got a degree, check. Got a career, check. Got a wife, check. Have some kids, check. Now I can live happily ever after! Yay!! Life simply doesn't work that way, never has, never will. I think this is a big issue in today's society with marriage in particular. Like life is some sort of game that can be won with planning and a strategy of sorts. That there is some defined path to happiness. Which just doesn't work if you live your life that way. Kids need to learn that there is always work to do to achieve your end game goals. Whatever they may be. My goal is to live with my wife by my side always. That is all.

 

 

I think people to often make the mistake of placing their kids above everything else in life. Then the kids have this sort of entitlement feeling growing up that they are above all in our eyes. I don't think that is healthy for a kid personally. A false sense of entitlement is about the most unattractive thing I can think of in a person. I certainly don't want my kids feeling this way. Those are the type of kids who live with a loony toon family who thinks participation awards are a good thing. That everyone is entitled to something just for existing. Not the case at all, and I hope our example will drive this point home. It takes work to achieve whatever goal you have in mind. For me personally, a life partner is about as lofty a goal as there is. It takes serious work, from beginning to end. If they learn anything from our example it's that I hope they realize that hard work needs to be put in on anything worthwhile. I can't think of a more worthwhile endgame battle then a life partner. The rewards are beyond measure imo and I hope they see the same value in something themselves some day, whatever that may be. I hope they work as hard tirelessly to achieve whatever goal they set for themselves and I hope they see that what you want in life will never stop requiring work on your part.

 

Hopefully we teach them that life simply isn't a a check list structure in which personal happiness is gained by running down the list of society driven notions. Also I hope they learn that your spouse trumps everything else, even your own kids sometimes. I hope that they learn that hard work pays off and that hard work is what will be required of them until they die.

 

In closing I think some of the people who get divorced thought that once they got married, they were off to another check list in life to achieve their happiness. I also think that some girls are more infatuated with the marriage ceremony then their actual relationship and thus ignore glaring red flags. They leap in to a relationship without regard for anything other then posting pictures on their Facebook pages to make their girlfriends jealous. Ignoring the fact that the man they are about to marry is a pos. Many young men ignore that same red flag of their fiance uttering the words "my special day" when referring to their wedding. As if the man isn't included in the process of their own wedding and marriage. The woman in this situation basically put the wedding ceremony above her own relationship. Not the type of woman I would ever marry and certainly not surprised when those types of women end up single mothers. Not surprised when the man in that relationship either doesn't live up to his end, or the wife doesn't life up to their end of the bargain. The ceremony was what was important in the beginning for them either way. Is it strange that their relationship was on the back burner to something as pointless as a marriage ceremony and suddenly ended? Not to me. If something that stupid can put your spouse on the back burner, it's bound to happen again repeatedly. Basically those who put the wedding above the relationship. Men are equally guilty of this, although I think in a different ways. Basically people enter into marriage for the wrong reasons and society is driving this nonsensical notion that life is a series of achievements to check off some magical list to happiness. Also that kids get married way to young and have no clue what or who they are at the point of marriage and simply grow to realize they married the wrong person. Which points to your example OP.

 

 

This is actually pretty common in the empty nesters. They dedicated 18+ years to put their kids before everything else in life. Only to wake up one day when the kids are gone to find that they don't really like their spouses all that much.

 

Bingo on this one, I know of 2 couples, married until their early 20 years, that's pretty long time, too, that had done this.

 

This one married woman had made a lot of friends through Meetup, but lived in a small town in the outskirts...about an hour from most events in the big city. She always went to events without her husband ALL the time...I found that to be telling, but her kid was still in high school...last few years...when he went off to college...she divorced.

 

THen there was another man, now he was caught off guard by coming home to his wife of 20 years with her bags already packed. He was devastated.

 

But they say SOMETIMES when the kids leave, it actually puts the romance back INTO the marriage because they can be alone now.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Another thing I have notice, too, I was speaking with a male friend of mine as we have been on and off online dating here and there...he said he went to a recent home gathering and there was this guy I knew of that had a girlfriend that moved in with him last year.

 

Turns out they broke up and I recalled them not having been together that long...like 2 to 3 years tops...and I was like "Didn't they just move in together?"

 

I find that 3 years is now the average longevity of monogamous relationships these days....5 years tops.

[MJJean]

I don't know, how would you define "serious" in this case? People I've known when they called it off for the above reasons and when specifics were given, I was scratching my head thinking, "Really, that's the reason? Doesn't sound bad to me as I'm thinking that's what's part of being in a marriage is all about."

 

Most would be vague with the we cop out of "We grew apart".

 

Now, if the person you were married to turned out to be gay, and just coming out, just as an example, that makes sense, but most reasons, at least to me, the reason wasn't much of a big deal to be calling it off.

 

"We grew apart", IME, is intentionally vague usually because the speaker doesn't want to go into the deeply personal details.

 

Major political, religious, and fitness lifestyle shifts, for example, greatly affect how day to day life is conducted. What is not a big deal for you may be a HUGE deal for the person who has to live with it day in and day out.