Needing the Truth

[MrsR1981]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum and desperate for some advice and support.

 

 

My story is a long one so i'll try and keep it brief, my husband of 8 years (we’ve been together 14 years) recently had an affair with a girl 27 years younger than him (he’s 47 and I’m 36). She’s been a friend of ours for 6 years and we’ve known her since she was 16!

 

 

Ihad no idea about the affair and they both completely played me for a fool, lying constantly, making out I was paranoid, they even had a kiss whilst I wasin the same room as them. It went on for months, I only found out by accident when her mum cornered my husband at a party we were at and confronted him, even then he lied. He’s blamed everyone around him apart from himself, I’ve not had a sorry or an explanation, I’ve just had to deal with this and accept it.

 

 

He even blamed me for the affair saying I had been neglecting him; my mum passed away last year and we also relocated; I have really struggled with the grief and had a difficult time accepting things, I know I had been a little off with him but I just needed his support.

 

 

When everything came out he promised me it was nothing, that he would never see her again and that she meant nothing to him, I guess I decided we would try again.This was the end of the July last year, but in August (whilst we were away on a ‘romantic break’) I found out he’d been texting her; they also had some communication in September and then I discovered a Facebook account he’d set up (in her name), so they could communicate. He’d put a very poignant quote on there about how he didn’t regret loving her and subsequently I found a message he sent to a friend saying he can’t believe he fell for someone aged 20! When I confronted him again he denied it all, said the quote was for me blah blah blah…silly me accepted this and again we decided to move on.

 

 

More recently I have my suspicions that they are again in touch – after all his promises. She has a blog account where she posts very direct quotes clearly aimed at my husband; he obviously broke her heart and she was in love with him. I stumbled across a quote on her page which he clearly has written saying he thinks about her every day, and then another quote which resembles the one he put on Facebook about ‘sharing her pain’. I am so convinced they are in touch, I’ve spent so much time, worry and money in investigating and being vigilant that the signs are too obvious to ignore.

 

 

Ireally don’t want to be made a fool of again, I need to know the truth but he’ll only lie if I ask him…what should I do? I don’t trust her either as she’d do anything for him. I don’t have many friends where we live since moving and I’m at a loss what to do. How do I finally find the truth and evidence I deserve to know?

[BuddyX]

Reread your post a few times. Make notes on how many times you found something (secret accounts, lies, texts, etc).

 

You have all you need. But, in order to catch them red handed, you might have to get a PI or VAR.

 

But personally, have to ask, why are you with him? He's constantly cheating. The affair Fog is strong with him.

[MrsR1981]

BuddyX thank you for responding, I have my 'evidence' folder of everything, but the last time I confronted him was September last year; if I've tried to bring it up all he says is "why bring it up now, we're moving on aren't we?"

 

 

He's one of these that seems to get off by making me feel inferior and I always end up apologising for nothing, when I cry he just says things like "well I'm glad you understand your part in it", I don't know the correct term for this but in a way he's an emotional bully.

 

 

I've tried the PI route, but its more email / phone contact that physical contact at the moment.

 

 

I am scared to leave him, I have nowhere to go and no friends where we are, I feel in a very difficult and sad situation.

[katielee]

polygraph.

 

I know it's scary to leave, but it's scarier yet to be disrespected.

[BaileyB]

He's one of these that seems to get off by making me feel inferior and I always end up apologising for nothing, when I cry he just says things like "well I'm glad you understand your part in it", I don't know the correct term for this but in a way he's an emotional bully.

 

I am scared to leave him, I have nowhere to go and no friends where we are, I feel in a very difficult and sad situation.

 

The term is gas lighting, but it truth it's nothing more than emotional abuse.

 

I'm so sorry. I can appreciate the fact that you have had a very hard year (having lost my mother myself) and it must be very frightening to imagine leaving him and starting a new life in your own.

 

Nobody can tell you what to do or make this decision for you. But, ask yourself if you can really see yourself staying with a man who you can not trust, shows no remorse for his behavior, and blames you for his failings.

 

You are still young - you have so much ahead of you in your life. You are much too young to stay in a marriage with a man who treats your badly. You deserve so much more than this... Don't let your fear stop you from doing what you need to do to be safe, happy, and healthy.

 

If it was me, he could have that 20 year old girl if he wanted her... I'd be filing for divorce.

[VeveCakes]

Do you have access to his phone? Computer?

 

Leaving with nothing is better than staying in this.

[MrsR1981]

Do you have access to his phone? Computer?

 

Leaving with nothing is better than staying in this.

 

His computer yes - but he's always been one step ahead of me and has various security settings on it, I've tried everything from keyloggers to iphone retrievals but he has a block on everything.

 

 

He does have an Ipad which he hides and I do not know the code, this is where I believe he is messaging her from as he knows I have no access to it.

[VeveCakes]

His computer yes - but he's always been one step ahead of me and has various security settings on it, I've tried everything from keyloggers to iphone retrievals but he has a block on everything.

 

 

He does have an Ipad which he hides and I do not know the code, this is where I believe he is messaging her from as he knows I have no access to it.

 

all of that is pretty much proof anyway...

[MrsR1981]

The term is gas lighting, but it truth it's nothing more than emotional abuse.

 

I'm so sorry. I can appreciate the fact that you have had a very hard year (having lost my mother myself) and it must be very frightening to imagine leaving him and starting a new life in your own.

 

Nobody can tell you what to do or make this decision for you. But, ask yourself if you can really see yourself staying with a man who you can not trust, shows no remorse for his behavior, and blames you for his failings.

 

You are still young - you have so much ahead of you in your life. You are much too young to stay in a marriage with a man who treats your badly. You deserve so much more than this... Don't let your fear stop you from doing what you need to do to be safe, happy, and healthy.

 

If it was me, he could have that 20 year old girl if he wanted her... I'd be filing for divorce.

 

Thank you BaileyB, and I am sorry to hear about your mum too. As time is moving on I am starting to feel really angry for what he's done and that I deserve better, I don't have the guts to leave which really makes me cross with myself as I always said from the day we got married I would never ever stay with someone who cheated on me.

 

 

The thing that worries me the most now is if I stay and we try and put this behind us, one day, I'm going to find out again he's seeing her or he leaves me because he wants to be with her and he can turn round to everyone and say "well we tried to make the marriage work but it didn't", and he gets to leave based on this and not that he had an affair...

[Mrs. John Adams]

I understand being afraid... the idea of being alone and starting over is a scarey thought for most people.

 

But you understand .. that in many ways you are already alone. Your husband abandoned you in your own home.

 

Chances are you will get your home... and the people in your life will remain in your life .. with the exception of a lying cheating husband.

 

So while the prospect of a changing life is frightening... your life is already changed. Your husband changed your marriage and your relationship. He made the decisions for you.

 

And now it's your turn. You get to take back your power and take back control of you. Scarey... yes... but at least if you call the shots you are prepared for what lies ahead.

 

One of the first steps in reconciliation is transparency. Your husband as a cheater should be willing to open himself up to you completely. Passwords to all accounts ... itineraries... phone calls etc. if he is sneaking and hiding and lying... there is no reason to reconcile.if you are afraid to confront him about these issues then you already have the answers ... it becomes a matter of being honest with yourself.

 

My advice to you would be surround yourself with a support system...and see a lawyer. Find out your rights and get your ducks all in a row. Be as prepared as you can to make this transition as easy as possible for you.

 

I want you to remember something... you owe your husband nothing. He made his choice to cheat without considering you... what it would do to you. So you certainly do not owe him anything.

 

I think you should take your folder of evidence and confront him. And his behavior will give you every answer you need. Is he willing to sit down and explain it? Is he willing to open up and give you all the information you need? Does he embrace you and show you sorrow for the pain he has caused you?

 

If the answer to any if these questions Is no then I would file for divorce. You can always change your mind... but your husband needs to see you as prepared to move on without him if he is not willing to put in the work to reconcile with you.

 

You don't need lie detector tests ... you don't need a private investigator ...

 

You have your own radar and you have 14 years with this man. You know him.

 

I want you to remember something...you did absolutely nothing to deserve this. This is not your fault. Your husband has made a choice because he wanted to.

 

Now it's your turn. Take back your power and stand up for you.

Edited January 11, 2017 by Mrs. John Adams

[MrsR1981]

I understand being afraid... the idea of being alone and starting over is a scarey thought for most people.

 

But you understand .. that in many ways you are already alone. Your husband abandoned you in your own home.

 

Chances are you will get your home... and the people in your life will remain in your life .. with the exception of a lying cheating husband.

 

So while the prospect of a changing life is frightening... your life is already changed. Your husband changed your marriage and your relationship. He made the decisions for you.

 

And now it's your turn. You get to take back your power and take back control of you. Scarey... yes... but at least if you call the shots you are prepared for what lies ahead.

 

One of the first steps in reconciliation is transparency. Your husband as a cheater should be willing to open himself up to you completely. Passwords to all accounts ... itineraries... phone calls etc. if he is sneaking and hiding and lying... there is no reason to reconcile.if you are afraid to confront him about these issues then you already have the answers ... it becomes a matter of being honest with yourself.

 

My advice to you would be surround yourself with a support system...and see a lawyer. Find out your rights and get your ducks all in a row. Be as prepared as you can to make this transition as easy as possible for you.

 

I want you to remember something... you owe your husband nothing. He made his choice to cheat without considering you... what it would do to you. So you certainly do not owe him anything.

 

I think you should take your folder of evidence and confront him. And his behavior will give you every answer you need. Is he willing to sit down and explain it? Is he willing to open up and give you all the information you need? Does he embrace you and show you sorrow for the pain he has caused you?

 

If the answer to any if these questions Is no then I would file for divorce. You can always change your mind... but your husband needs to see you as prepared to move on without him if he is not willing to put in the work to reconcile with you.

 

You don't need lie detector tests ... you don't need a private investigator ...

 

You have your own radar and you have 14 years with this man. You know him.

 

I want you to remember something...you did absolutely nothing to deserve this. This is not your fault. Your husband has made a choice because he wanted to.

 

Now it's your turn. Take back your power and stand up for you.

 

Thank you Mrs JA, foolishly I presented my evidence in dribs and drabs to him so he always had an excuse for everything I showed him.

 

 

The recent stuff with the quotes he doesn't even know I know, I'm trying to keep my mouth closed until I have concrete evidence, even one message to her and we're done, that's it.

[BuddyX]

Not to put doubt in your threats, but in one post you say "one more message and I'll leave" but in another you say "I'm too afraid to leave him".

 

Here's how you do it. But you have to be stern and show no emotion.

Sit him down. Present the evidence. Tell him he has to choose you or her. And he has to leave the house for a few days so you can clear your mind. If he doesn't. Tell him youre getting a one way ticket out of town, and he'll hear from your attorney.

 

This is serious sh*t. You can't live like this. Do the daughter test. What if your daughter came to you with this story? What would you tell her?

[ShatteredLady]

Do you have children? Do you want children?

 

I know! I'm so offended when I read OW/OM saying "He/She only stayed because of the kids!" But it does make a HUGE difference.

 

12 years ago my H had an affair with a coworker. It broke me! I'd moved from my career, family & friends, everything I knew in England to live in America, (dependent, isolated) for him.

 

Is it possible to recover from an affair when he is all loved-up & wont take responsibility? Yes! For us it was BUT when things got hard 12 years later, he dragged her back into our lives. I'm bias!! If you don't have children & you could take your share of everything & go home to your Dad - DO IT!!!

 

You now know what he's capable of. It's not just the adultery! He can be so blinkered by his "I'm the man! Look I can pull a 20 year old!!" (My H also bragged to friends like a randy teenager. It's humiliating!) that he can look at YOU in tears, breaking & FEEL NO REMORSE! That's bloody hard to ever recover from.

 

Many cheats say that they are shocked by their partners reaction on d-day. They feel immense guilt & pain seeing the anguish on their loved ones face. To continue, to carry on with the sappy messages, "I can't help myself" to NOT empathize with YOUR pain takes a particularly low kind of scum! (I'm mortified to say I'm still married to one!)

 

I used to be a huge fan of reconciliation. Even after everything I've been through I want to believe that love & dedication to marriage can get you through. I'm having a bad day! I'm in a lot of pain (my health was the reason given for my H's affair) but I can't share it. I'm terrified that my cancer has returned (can't talk about that!) I'm having triggers & want my H to hold me ("Of course I'm f**king sorry!" Is the closest I've had to an apology)....DON'T DO IT!!

 

My only sibling, my brother committed suicide. I know what's it's like to feel alone & be mourning. I know what it's like to be isolated & frightened. I know what it's like to desperately need your love who you have shared your life with. He's not really that man anymore is he?

 

You could blame it on his age...My H was feeling old & fat, his career disappointed him, blah, blah, blah! I get it! If he was a good friend all the excuses I make would work BUT he's not! He's my husband! He's the man who should love me through thick & thin. It's been 26 years of my life. I cry knowing I will never have that life long love that some others do. I truly believed we could get through anything.

 

Oh whatever. Bad day! Do YOU want to have bad days like this for the rest of your life? That's the choice of reconciliation. This will pass your mind on your death bed!

[WilyWill]

Do you have kids together? This complicates things.

 

You're young--young enough to start over without him. You deserve a decent man. It's ridiculous that he expects you to trust him after breaking your trust multiple times. If you divorce him, it doesn't matter who ends up looking better. Anyway, onlookers know that the 47-year-old who had an affair with a teenager (essentially) is the "at fault" spouse. It would be very clear to others that he's the one who is unable to grow and nurture a healthy married relationship.

[MrsR1981]

Not to put doubt in your threats, but in one post you say "one more message and I'll leave" but in another you say "I'm too afraid to leave him".

 

Here's how you do it. But you have to be stern and show no emotion.

Sit him down. Present the evidence. Tell him he has to choose you or her. And he has to leave the house for a few days so you can clear your mind. If he doesn't. Tell him youre getting a one way ticket out of town, and he'll hear from your attorney.

 

This is serious sh*t. You can't live like this. Do the daughter test. What if your daughter came to you with this story? What would you tell her?

 

You are so right BuddyX - I think what I meant was I'm afraid to leave now as I have no concrete proof of the recent stuff, the evidence I have from a few months ago I've already gone to him with and he's managed to fob me off, he's made it clear I shouldn't be 'dredging up old ground', so he's back in control (I know he shouldn't be). What I should have done is gather ALL evidence, present it to him, caught him in the act and left...unfortunately I couldn't keep my mouth shut previously and everything I found out I hit him with during arguments etc. He always has an answer - even for the obvious things, I honestly do feel like a mug. :-(

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you Mrs JA, foolishly I presented my evidence in dribs and drabs to him so he always had an excuse for everything I showed him.

 

 

The recent stuff with the quotes he doesn't even know I know, I'm trying to keep my mouth closed until I have concrete evidence, even one message to her and we're done, that's it.

 

May i please reiterate this point. You already have all of the evidence you need to condemn him. what you need now...is the evidence to reconcile.

 

Do you see the difference?

 

So what you should be looking for now...is his openness....his sincere effort to reconcile...his transparency....his sorrow for causing you pain.

 

You see....you cannot reconcile alone. You already know he cheated...that has been established and confronted. So what you need now...is a cheating husband who is completely committed to reconciling.

 

SO you need to change your prospective....from looking for one more thing and i am done....to looking for those things that he is doing to show you he is sincere in his effort to reconcile.

 

He has already provided you with every reason you need to divorce him...now you are looking for those things that you need to reconcile.

 

I know you are new here....so I will tell you that i cheated on my husband in 1983...and we have been in reconciliation every since. I made MANY mistakes along the way...but one thing i know for certain....reconciliation takes two people. and he must prove to you...he is worth that chance.

[MrsR1981]

Do you have children? Do you want children?

 

I know! I'm so offended when I read OW/OM saying "He/She only stayed because of the kids!" But it does make a HUGE difference.

 

12 years ago my H had an affair with a coworker. It broke me! I'd moved from my career, family & friends, everything I knew in England to live in America, (dependent, isolated) for him.

 

Is it possible to recover from an affair when he is all loved-up & wont take responsibility? Yes! For us it was BUT when things got hard 12 years later, he dragged her back into our lives. I'm bias!! If you don't have children & you could take your share of everything & go home to your Dad - DO IT!!!

 

You now know what he's capable of. It's not just the adultery! He can be so blinkered by his "I'm the man! Look I can pull a 20 year old!!" (My H also bragged to friends like a randy teenager. It's humiliating!) that he can look at YOU in tears, breaking & FEEL NO REMORSE! That's bloody hard to ever recover from.

 

Many cheats say that they are shocked by their partners reaction on d-day. They feel immense guilt & pain seeing the anguish on their loved ones face. To continue, to carry on with the sappy messages, "I can't help myself" to NOT empathize with YOUR pain takes a particularly low kind of scum! (I'm mortified to say I'm still married to one!)

 

I used to be a huge fan of reconciliation. Even after everything I've been through I want to believe that love & dedication to marriage can get you through. I'm having a bad day! I'm in a lot of pain (my health was the reason given for my H's affair) but I can't share it. I'm terrified that my cancer has returned (can't talk about that!) I'm having triggers & want my H to hold me ("Of course I'm f**king sorry!" Is the closest I've had to an apology)....DON'T DO IT!!

 

My only sibling, my brother committed suicide. I know what's it's like to feel alone & be mourning. I know what it's like to be isolated & frightened. I know what it's like to desperately need your love who you have shared your life with. He's not really that man anymore is he?

 

You could blame it on his age...My H was feeling old & fat, his career disappointed him, blah, blah, blah! I get it! If he was a good friend all the excuses I make would work BUT he's not! He's my husband! He's the man who should love me through thick & thin. It's been 26 years of my life. I cry knowing I will never have that life long love that some others do. I truly believed we could get through anything.

 

Oh whatever. Bad day! Do YOU want to have bad days like this for the rest of your life? That's the choice of reconciliation. This will pass your mind on your death bed!

 

 

So sorry to hear your story shattered lady - we do not have children, again I look back and think what a clever sod he's been, because I was 21 when we met (yes I see the pattern too), and he had 2 kids we never discussed it to start with, I said I'd be about 32-33 when I wanted kids and he was ok with that, yet 18 months ago he landed me with the fact he didn't want anymore kids and I pretty much had to accept that, I realise what an idiot I've been, I've spent my whole 20's with him, being a devoted wife and stepmum, I lost a lot of friends being so wrapped up in him, and i'll be honest, I'm scared of being old and looking back with regrets (and no kids :-( ).

 

 

I can see how people try and put it behind them and move on, but she lives in our village, how do I know that in 1 year, 2 years etc their paths cross again and the feelings rush back? What a 20 something yr old would want with a 50 yr old puzzles me, but like you say, its the ego boost, he denied sex with her but I know he's lying as she's been telling people they did.

 

 

Everything you say above hit true with me - I have a lot of thinking to do don't I?

 

 

Can I ask, from what I've typed above you don't think I'm being paranoid and crazy do you?

[aileD]

You don't need a reason, it doesn't matter if you presented things in drubs and drabs. They still happened

 

My husband had an affair with someone 20 years younger. The feelings are strong in those ones because well---they're acting like teens because basically she's a frickin teen.

 

My advice? Kick him out. If you want to save your marriage tell him that he needs to do more on his part to get his **** together , get over the fantasy CHILD and start working on himself and your marriage.

 

And trust me even if they end up together. It won't last. In 10 years she'll dump him for someone her own age and start her real life--right about the time she probably would anyway. And he'll have to start over for the 3rd time at almost 60

[MrsR1981]

May i please reiterate this point. You already have all of the evidence you need to condemn him. what you need now...is the evidence to reconcile.

 

Do you see the difference?

 

So what you should be looking for now...is his openness....his sincere effort to reconcile...his transparency....his sorrow for causing you pain.

 

You see....you cannot reconcile alone. You already know he cheated...that has been established and confronted. So what you need now...is a cheating husband who is completely committed to reconciling.

 

SO you need to change your prospective....from looking for one more thing and i am done....to looking for those things that he is doing to show you he is sincere in his effort to reconcile.

 

He has already provided you with every reason you need to divorce him...now you are looking for those things that you need to reconcile.

 

I know you are new here....so I will tell you that i cheated on my husband in 1983...and we have been in reconciliation every since. I made MANY mistakes along the way...but one thing i know for certain....reconciliation takes two people. and he must prove to you...he is worth that chance.

 

Gosh yes, I've never actually looked at it from this point, if I had not discovered the most recent communication I think I would very much be at this point in our relationship. But what do I do about what I know now? Surely he can't be committed to us when he still has feelings for her? What if he's waiting to go back to her after giving our marriage a go?

 

 

I realise I sound incredibly paranoid here, its self-preservation really, I'm trying to protect myself from being humiliated again

[understand50]

So sorry to hear your story shattered lady - we do not have children, again I look back and think what a clever sod he's been, because I was 21 when we met (yes I see the pattern too), and he had 2 kids we never discussed it to start with, I said I'd be about 32-33 when I wanted kids and he was ok with that, yet 18 months ago he landed me with the fact he didn't want anymore kids and I pretty much had to accept that, I realise what an idiot I've been, I've spent my whole 20's with him, being a devoted wife and stepmum, I lost a lot of friends being so wrapped up in him, and i'll be honest, I'm scared of being old and looking back with regrets (and no kids :-( ).

 

 

I can see how people try and put it behind them and move on, but she lives in our village, how do I know that in 1 year, 2 years etc their paths cross again and the feelings rush back? What a 20 something yr old would want with a 50 yr old puzzles me, but like you say, its the ego boost, he denied sex with her but I know he's lying as she's been telling people they did.

 

 

Everything you say above hit true with me - I have a lot of thinking to do don't I?

 

 

Can I ask, from what I've typed above you don't think I'm being paranoid and crazy do you?

 

No I do not think you are being paranoid, but realistic. You have some hard chooses ahead. Think about what YOU really want out of life, and how to get them. You are you enough time to have children, so maybe you need to find a guy that wants to. I think you are in false reconciliation, and you need to face that. Look, take action, life will be better. Ether decide to stay and fight that out, or leave.

 

In any case, your fears are grounded in reality.

 

I wish you luck....

[BuddyX]

I divorce 3 years ago. You know how much humiliation and embarrassment I felt? Sarcastic question. None. I was free. My piece of mind was priceless. And you know how many of my friends came out and said "bout dam time"? All of them.

 

It's easier to confront when you're a male. I get that. But you have to stay strong. Show No emotion. No crying. Keep it simple and to the point. I.e. "Are you still talking to MsX?" He says No. You show him the evidence. Tell him you are talking to an attorney (lie if you have to bout the attorney, but do make a phone call no matter what). Get up and leave the room. Do not respond. Do not talk. If he initiates something, ask him to leave.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Gosh yes, I've never actually looked at it from this point, if I had not discovered the most recent communication I think I would very much be at this point in our relationship. But what do I do about what I know now? Surely he can't be committed to us when he still has feelings for her? What if he's waiting to go back to her after giving our marriage a go?

 

 

I realise I sound incredibly paranoid here, its self-preservation really, I'm trying to protect myself from being humiliated again

 

then you realize...that if he is continuing to cause you doubt rather than giving you reason to see growth toward reconciliation...you have answered your own questions.

 

There is nothing wrong with self preservation especially when it is coming from the heart of a betrayed spouse. You fully trusted...he betrayed....it is now up to him to help you to feel comfortable again. This means doing certain things within the relationship that demonstrate to you his sincerity in reconciling.

 

See.. you are still willing to give him another chance...but he is not willing to prove to you he deserves it.

 

I cannot tell you what those steps should be...because only YOU know how you feel....only YOU know what it is that you need to see growth. But it appears to me that he is not only NOT giving you what you need...he is continuing to demonstrate to you that he has learned nothing from his infidelity....and is continuing in unacceptable behavior.

 

Gird yourself with the things necessary to protect YOU.....without regard for him. If you empower YOU...then you have the ability to not only make the right decisions for YOU....you then also have the ability to have self preservation...which is your concern right now.

 

Let me also say....you are still young....and you have no children....you can CERTAINLY start a new life without tying yourself to a cheater...a man who is obviously continuing to disrespect you.

 

Do not misunderstand me...I am an advocate for reconciliation.....but I also believe the wayward has to prove to the betrayed that they deserve that gift.

 

Has your husband proven to you in ANY way...that he deserves the gift of reconciliation? If so...please share how.

[MrsR1981]

then you realize...that if he is continuing to cause you doubt rather than giving you reason to see growth toward reconciliation...you have answered your own questions.

 

There is nothing wrong with self preservation especially when it is coming from the heart of a betrayed spouse. You fully trusted...he betrayed....it is now up to him to help you to feel comfortable again. This means doing certain things within the relationship that demonstrate to you his sincerity in reconciling.

 

See.. you are still willing to give him another chance...but he is not willing to prove to you he deserves it.

 

I cannot tell you what those steps should be...because only YOU know how you feel....only YOU know what it is that you need to see growth. But it appears to me that he is not only NOT giving you what you need...he is continuing to demonstrate to you that he has learned nothing from his infidelity....and is continuing in unacceptable behavior.

 

Gird yourself with the things necessary to protect YOU.....without regard for him. If you empower YOU...then you have the ability to not only make the right decisions for YOU....you then also have the ability to have self preservation...which is your concern right now.

 

Let me also say....you are still young....and you have no children....you can CERTAINLY start a new life without tying yourself to a cheater...a man who is obviously continuing to disrespect you.

 

Do not misunderstand me...I am an advocate for reconciliation.....but I also believe the wayward has to prove to the betrayed that they deserve that gift.

 

Has your husband proven to you in ANY way...that he deserves the gift of reconciliation? If so...please share how.

 

 

Thank you Mrs JA, I am comforted in your words that I am not at fault and he should be showing me he wants to be with me. By him messaging her he is already disrespecting me, I'm his comfy pair of slippers at home and I know I deserve more.

 

 

I honestly cannot think of any way he has proven to me that he deserves the gift of reconciliation; our romantic weekend away was tainted by him texting her, he constantly makes me cry and feel inadequate (moreso when he's had a drink), he belittles me in front of people and he tells me I need to forget it and move on - with no apology or explanation.

 

 

Another thing that springs to mind is only recently he's talked about going back in the pub where she works and socialising with our friends in there...I've told him no way is this going to happen and is he crazy! I cannot believe he'd even mention this or why he'd want to go back in, only weeks ago he was telling me he never wanted to go in there again and he never wanted to see her again, now all of a sudden he's prepared to go back in and humiliate me all over again...

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I had been a little off with him but I just needed his support.

 

He's one of these that seems to get off by making me feel inferior and I always end up apologising for nothing, when I cry he just says things like "well I'm glad you understand your part in it", I don't know the correct term for this but in a way he's an emotional bully.

 

I said I'd be about 32-33 when I wanted kids and he was ok with that, yet 18 months ago he landed me with the fact he didn't want anymore kids and I pretty much had to accept that

 

Even if you set the infidelity aside (which I'm not recommending), does he sound like the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you Mrs JA, I am comforted in your words that I am not at fault and he should be showing me he wants to be with me. By him messaging her he is already disrespecting me, I'm his comfy pair of slippers at home and I know I deserve more.

 

 

I honestly cannot think of any way he has proven to me that he deserves the gift of reconciliation; our romantic weekend away was tainted by him texting her, he constantly makes me cry and feel inadequate (moreso when he's had a drink), he belittles me in front of people and he tells me I need to forget it and move on - with no apology or explanation.

 

 

Another thing that springs to mind is only recently he's talked about going back in the pub where she works and socialising with our friends in there...I've told him no way is this going to happen and is he crazy! I cannot believe he'd even mention this or why he'd want to go back in, only weeks ago he was telling me he never wanted to go in there again and he never wanted to see her again, now all of a sudden he's prepared to go back in and humiliate me all over again...

 

 

Then sweetheart...is this the way you want to be treated or deserve to be treated? Of course not!

 

So you have given no reason to even try to reconcile other than fear.

 

BE honest with yourself and address those fears. What exactly are you afraid? and how can you help yourself...to not be afraid? What can YOU do to alleviate those fears?

 

This man does NOT deserve you...and he certainly does not deserve the gift of reconciliation. He has to prove to you that he deserves you and that he deserves the gift of reconciliation. It is not up to you to prove to HIM you deserve reconciliation. He is the one who has wronged you.

 

Now...I am not saying he will not EVER deserve this gift...but until he starts proving to you he deserves it....you are not in reconciliation and you are wasting your time.

 

Go see a lawyer....sometimes waywards need to also feel FEAR....I don't mean threaten him and not mean it. I mean ....arm yourself against him...and tell him what you have done.

 

But the important thing is...YOU are then in control of your own destiny.