winterblossom Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 (edited) The trigger of our divorce: he lied to me multiple times about another woman - someone who he cheated with before he met me. He let me slap him in exchange for forgiveness. I also punched him another time. I was verbally mean to him as well for a few months. He filed for divorce and got a restraining order against me. A little background: During our relationship, he was very attracted to me. He said he was happy just to see me, but I did not feel the same way. I loved many things about him. I also disliked a few things about him. I kept my discontent within myself, partially because of my own problems and partially because he would get very defensive every time I was unhappy. This, together with taking care of babies 24/7, eventually led me to depression. His lying and gas-lighting became the last straw to break me. I was a kind person in my whole life, up until a few months before the divorce. Lately, I have been working towards reconciliation, and the relationship between my ex and I have dramatically improved. We are on friendly terms again. My question is: should I work on getting back together with him? My children want us to get back together, but my biggest concern is that my ex is a dishonest and manipulative person. Here are a few things that concern me: 1. He was the third person in another relationship (many years ago) and he does not feel like he did anything wrong. 2. He lied to me about another woman multiple times. He knew I would break up with him if I knew the truth, so he lied and blamed me for forcing him to lie. (Just to clarify: he did not physically cheat during our relationship.) 3. He got a restraining order against me during the divorce and kicked me out of the house. He kept me away from children for 2 weeks and still tried to keep them away in our first court meeting. The judge gave him firm no answer, despite his side trying very hard to come up with ridiculous reasons that were completely based on his imagined fear. A few weeks later, he asked me to (go against the restraining order and) go to his house to take care of children so he could go to the movie theater with his parents. 4. He also asked for more than his entitled assets during divorce. I agreed to it so he would dismiss the restraining order. 5. In the first few days after he filed divorce and kicked me out, he said I am a good mother as long as he is not around me, but nevertheless, he fought for full custody and tried to keep children away from me. 6. He did not want to pay me alimony (although he eventually agreed to pay for a short period of time). I gave up my career to raise children a few years ago. His top two choices of job at that time was: choice 1: his dream job in a location where I could not get a job that matches my education level, or choice 2: a job in a big city where I can easily get a dream job, while he would need to work extra hard for a job that's not very satisfactory to him. We chose his dream over mine. 7. A few days ago, he told me he would keep children away from me as much as possible because he thinks I am a violent person. But now he is asking me to help take care of children during his time too, because he is behind at work and he is running out of vocation days. Thank you for your patience in reading. Edited January 11, 2017 by winterblossom Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 why are you reconcilling ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author winterblossom Posted January 11, 2017 Author Share Posted January 11, 2017 why are you reconcilling ? He has many good qualities . For example, he is a hard-working and patient person. He is very good with children. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 The trigger of our divorce: he lied to me multiple times about another woman - someone who he cheated with before he met me. He let me slap him in exchange for forgiveness. I also punched him another time. I was verbally mean to him as well for a few months. He filed for divorce and got a restraining order against me. My question is: should I work on getting back together with him? I wouldn't consider it unless you've BOTH addressed the issues in your marriage. Way too much drama, ego and tension. What's been done to improve your relationship skills? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author winterblossom Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 (edited) He does not talk to me much these days unless if it's related to children. He is opening up to me more and more though. I see the good and bad in him, and sometimes they seem contradictory. This contradiction is the worst part. If he is only good or bad, I can decide what I would do easily. Should I move on and find someone else? Or should I make effort for us to spend time together? He does not want to find someone else, and he is willing to spend time with me and children together sometimes, although he has not expressed any interest in getting back together. I don't know his 'manipulation' is a product of his conflict feelings, or he genuinely likes to 'manipulate' people. Or does it even matter? 'Manipulation' might be a too strong word. I don't even like describing him using such a strong negative word, although I don't know a better word that describes my concern right now. At some point, I though we could work things out if he is willing to. Now I am having some doubts, because I feel like I cannot trust him 100%. Edited January 12, 2017 by winterblossom Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 He does not talk to me much these days unless if it's related to children. He is opening up to me more and more though. I see the good and bad in him, and sometimes they seem contradictory. This contradiction is the worst part. If he is only good or bad, I can decide what I would do easily. Should I move on and find someone else? Or should I make effort for us to spend time together? He does not want to find someone else, and he is willing to spend time with me and children together sometimes, although he has not expressed any interest in getting back together. I don't know his 'manipulation' is a product of his conflict feelings, or he genuinely likes to 'manipulate' people. Or does it even matter? 'Manipulation' might be a too strong word. I don't even like describing him using such a strong negative word, although I don't know a better word that describes my concern right now. At some point, I though we could work things out if he is willing to. Now I am having some doubts, because I feel like I cannot trust him 100%. Huh??? He does not talk to me much these days / He is opening up to me more and more He does not want to find someone else / he has not expressed any interest in getting back together So many contradictions in your post it's hard to follow. I'd guess the first step would be getting some clarity on what it is you want. That's the only side of the equation you control... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author winterblossom Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 He does not talk to me much these days / He is opening up to me more and more We used to not talk at all. Now, we talk a little, mostly about children. He does not initiate conversation unless if it's about children. It's mostly me asking him about his work etc, then he would respond. He does not want to find someone else / he has not expressed any interest in getting back together He does not want to date, and he does not think we can get along. He just wants to be single, is what he said. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 T A little background: During our relationship, he was very attracted to me. He said he was happy just to see me, but I did not feel the same way. I loved many things about him. I also disliked a few things about him. . Again why do you want to reconcile if you do not feel the same about him as he does about you? Also why did he have to get a restraining order against you? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 He does not want to date, and he does not think we can get along. He just wants to be single, is what he said. He's not interested in reconciliation. He would have to want you back in order for this to work and it doesn't seem like he does. I think it should be more than he is good with the kids and a hard worker in order for you to want him back. It should be because you are in love with him and want to spend the rest of your life with him even after the kids are grown and gone. Anything less, is not acceptable in my book. Link to post Share on other sites
Author winterblossom Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 Again why do you want to reconcile if you do not feel the same about him as he does about you? Things have changed, because now I know our problems started with bad communication and trust issues. What I don't know is if such things can be overcome. Also why did he have to get a restraining order against you? Because I slapped him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 So he let you slap him in exchange for forgiveness and then got a restraining order against you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author winterblossom Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 So he let you slap him in exchange for forgiveness and then got a restraining order against you? Short answer is yes. Although this answer would be kind of misleading. He did not get a restraining order right away. He was sincere about forgiveness exchange at that time. But it turned out that I still did not forgive him and I was mean to him verbally for some time. He filed a restraining order two months later. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 He did not get a restraining order right away. He was sincere about forgiveness exchange at that time. But it turned out that I still did not forgive him and I was mean to him verbally for some time. He filed a restraining order two months later. Your answer to this question: "Is ex husband being a manipulative person?" is "yes"... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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