Is my DD's teacher being creepy?

[noelle303]

My daughter started kindergarten this past fall and everything has mostly been really smooth. She's a really sociable, well-adjusted kid so she made a lot of friends, she loves going to school, she is perfectly on-track with everything, very intelligent and I was told that she'll soon start recieving 1st grade work (proud parent moment, sorry).

 

Generally, both her and I have fit in very well, even me making friends with some of the moms there.

 

However, the teacher's behavior towards my daughter and I has been very strange. This is a female teacher in mid-forties.

 

When school first started she was strangely insterested in my life, asking me some personal questions which I found nosey but chalked it up to small talk. She kept telling me how much she admires single parents and what they do and how hard it must be etc. and I was like....ok? But let it go.

 

Then, my daughter tells me that her teacher asked her questions about me (?!!), again personal questions about my job and whether I have a ''special friend'' and so on. I was weirded out but didn't want to cause a fuss without a proper cause.

 

Which brings me to what happened next - the kids were doing a story on their family. Now, my daughter lives with me and every other weekend she visits her father who lives with his wife and their two sons. The sons are older than my daughter because she was born when he was already married to the wife. After my daughter's story on her family, the teacher clearly put two and two together and realized this. She told my daughter that she shouldn't say these things and should leave her father's family out of it.

 

When my daughter told me this, I was furious! My daughter is a small child and I worked so hard for her to grow up unaffected by the whole situation. She's obviously too young to understand the whole ''issue'', but I am certainly not going to raise her to be ashamed of her family and origins. She did nothing wrong and she has nothing to hide.

 

I went to the principal to complain and after he spoke to the teacher she said that she stands by what she did. That it could present a problem to the other children as they get older and she also made comments on how she knew something was ''strange'' with me as soon as she met me. She called me a young sexually promiscuous (!!) girl and a ''bad role-model'' and that I will probably ''flaunt my looks'' in front of the dads at the school.

 

I am horrified by the comments and obviously don't want this woman around my child any longer. The principal suggested a change of class for my daughter, but to be frank, I don't see why my daughter needs to change classes and adjust to a new environment when she was not in the wrong here? This is a private school that I am paying and they shouldn't allow such behavior from their staff. At the very least, if they aren't going to fire her my daughter's class should get a different teacher.

 

Am I crazy or was this woman totally out of line?

[basil67]

I'm sorry this happened to you and I appreciate your anger. However, if the teacher isn't fired over the incident, I don't think it's reasonable to expect the school to disrupt the learning of two whole classes (assuming they switch teachers) because of this.

 

So let's look at other solutions. How long is it till the end of the school year where you are? Were there any witnesses to the teacher saying those derogatory things to you? Lastly, does the school have religious affiliations?

[noelle303]

I'm sorry this happened to you and I appreciate your anger. However, if the teacher isn't fired over the incident, I don't think it's reasonable to expect the school to disrupt the learning of two whole classes (assuming they switch teachers) because of this.

 

So let's look at other solutions. How long is it till the end of the school year where you are? Were there any witnesses to the teacher saying those derogatory things to you? Lastly, does the school have religious affiliations?

 

She didn't say it directly to me, she said it to the principal who (for some reason) related it all back to me.

 

The school is not religious, and the year ends in June. I really don't want to wait until then to resolve this, because I think this woman is crazy and I worry about the damage she may inflict upon my child.

[basil67]

As the Principal relayed what the teacher says, it would seem that the bigger problem here is now the Principal. Instead of working towards a peaceful resolution, the Principal is fanning the flames. Perhaps they want you gone?

 

If there is no higher authority you can appeal to, I'd suggest you remove your daughter from this toxic environment.

[RecentChange]

Honestly, it's a private school that you choose - and you could choose to take your money elsewhere.

 

I don't agree with the teachers comments, but I do not think it warrants termination either, and it sounds like the principal is standing behind her teacher.

 

So, options are to speak with the teacher and your daughter. Change your daughter's class, or change schools.

[noelle303]

I don't think the principal is behind her crazy comments, he actually seems nice, was apologetic and understanding.

 

I want to point out that we don't live in a rural/conservative area, this is a progressive, private school in one of the most liberal states. It's very strange the way she is behaving.

 

The school and the environment is great and definitely not toxic, other than this particular teacher. In my opinion, she is the problem so why should my daughter be the one to leave?

[whichwayisup]

She obviously knew who you were beforehand and went fishing asking you questions about your personal life. I find it odd that she has such a huge issue with the whole thing, it's none of her business. It's shocking that the principal repeated what she said about you, if anything that was info you didn't need to have. Unprofessional!

 

You could very well make a big deal of this and file a complaint against the teacher but don't.

 

You need to have a meeting with the teacher and the principal, talk it out and set some boundaries and rules. That teacher has no place in judging you or making life hard for your child. I'm surprised that the principal isn't taking action (suspension) against the teacher.

[noelle303]

She obviously knew who you were beforehand and went fishing asking you questions about your personal life. I find it odd that she has such a huge issue with the whole thing, it's none of her business. It's shocking that the principal repeated what she said about you, if anything that was info you didn't need to have. Unprofessional!

 

You could very well make a big deal of this and file a complaint against the teacher but don't.

 

You need to have a meeting with the teacher and the principal, talk it out and set some boundaries and rules. That teacher has no place in judging you or making life hard for your child. I'm surprised that the principal isn't taking action (suspension) against the teacher.

 

I know, I expected there to be some kind of action against the teacher, I don't understand how she can be so unapologetic about this. She is brining personal issues into her work.

 

I think I'm going to ask for a meeting with both the principal and the teacher and threaten with a complaint to the board. I don't want to change schools for this, it's really one of the best educational facilities in our area and there are actually no other private elementary schools that are near.

[MissG]

I agree. She may have known beforehand who you are, and maybe she knows your daughter's father, or his extended family. There might have been gossip that you didn't know about. Or she might have issues with affairs in general, due to her own or whatever experience.

 

Anyways - her behavior is outrageous and completely out of line. I'm worried though that the situation is not resolvable to an extent where you can feel safe. Principal seems to be backing the teacher, which is beyond sad, and if you complain to the board, I'm not sure if that's going to help. They're all somehow affiliated with each other - principal, board, teachers, the helicopter parents, the pta..... it's going to lead to more gossip imo. The teacher already demonstrates clearly that she has no boundaries. If you complain, she will be offended and her boundaries will completely disappear. This is my fear.

 

It's typical in our society, though......you have a little bit of a different lifestyle than all the other "normal" families, and you automatically get stereotyped into a certain corner. You'll have to work 100 times harder if you want to fit in. It's sad.

 

That statement: you're going to be "flaunting" yourself in front of the dads? What the hell is this.

 

I don't know what I would do. The logical thing is to file an official complaint, just like you said. If you think about the possible consequences, though, you will probably understand that this is not going to help you or your daughter in the long run. If you keep quiet, then they "win". It's just not fair. I don't know what I would do. I would probably just hang in there until June and find a different school. Or maybe you'll be happy with just a different teacher in the first grade. It'll still be the same exact school environment though. And the impression I get is that there has been gossip going around which will not go away. Regardless of who the classroom teacher is. They all know each other and they all talk. What a crazy sad situation. People are idiots. And those people educate our children. It's pathetic.

[MissG]

That reminds me of an incident in my nephew's school 2 years ago. And let me add that I'm so thankful to be childless .... for these reasons ...... My nephew got stolen from in the second month of the school year like four times in a row. It was then uncovered who it was. That kid became student of the month in that very same month. Probably due to his parents interfering .....My nephew never became student of the month in that whole year. My sister is a single parent, the father is not involved, she has three kids who are very well-adjusted and who are great students all three of them. Due to the fact that she's working a full-time job, raises three kids on her own - with the help of a nanny - and travels a lot for business - very successful career, she cannot attend every single fundraiser and she has no time to volunteer much in the schools. But she is a great mother and she does attend school events whenever she can. The boy who stole from my nephew – his parents are very much involved in the PTA. That incident got me thinking. It's not about who your kids are and how they behave in school. It's all about who the parents are and how much they are liked and how much influence they have within the school environment. And that's a public school by the way.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't think the teacher was right in doing that, I mean really, a bunch of kindergarten kids are hardly going to do the math and figure out the situation. I don't think most preteens would even realize.

 

That being said, are you really calling for the teacher to be fired over it? I'm not sure it was that extreme of a situation. I understand that it's a private school, but that doesn't mean perfection, if the teacher was reprimanded that is about all you can expect.

 

And as for the whole liberal or conservative community thing. I'm not sure this situation falls under one where even a liberal community would condone of it, it shouldn't have any affect on your daughters schooling, but you broke a moral code that is pretty universal, not just confined to "conservative" communities.

[MissG]

I don't think the teacher was right in doing that, I mean really, a bunch of kindergarten kids are hardly going to do the math and figure out the situation. I don't think most preteens would even realize.

 

That being said, are you really calling for the teacher to be fired over it? I'm not sure it was that extreme of a situation. I understand that it's a private school, but that doesn't mean perfection, if the teacher was reprimanded that is about all you can expect.

 

And as for the whole liberal or conservative community thing. I'm not sure this situation falls under one where even a liberal community would condone of it, it shouldn't have any affect on your daughters schooling, but you broke a moral code that is pretty universal, not just confined to "conservative" communities.

 

Yeah but it's not the teacher's job to judge. Her job is to remain neutral and focus on education and on the students' best interests. It's not her duty to punish the student for her parents' choices. Especially not if the student gives a presentation on her family situation. She embarrassed the child. And the mother. She has no business doing this. Also - these things happen. A M might be "separated", the H might have a R with somebody else, and then the married couple decides to work on the M and get back together. If the teacher knows the details and how things really went down, she has no right to bring that into the classroom. Seriously.

[GunslingerRoland]

Yeah but it's not the teacher's job to judge. Her job is to remain neutral and focus on education and on the students' best interests. It's not her duty to punish the student for her parents' choices. Especially not if the student gives a presentation on her family situation. She embarrassed the child. And the mother. She has no business doing this. Also - these things happen. A M might be "separated", the H might have a R with somebody else, and then the married couple decides to work on the M and get back together. If the teacher knows the details and how things really went down, she has no right to bring that into the classroom. Seriously.

 

I agree, and like I said, she should be reprimanded for it.

 

Fired for it though? No i'm sorry I think that is extreme.

 

Also the daughter wasn't punished, she was just asked to stop talking about it.

[MissG]

I agree, and like I said, she should be reprimanded for it.

 

Fired for it though? No i'm sorry I think that is extreme.

 

Also the daughter wasn't punished, she was just asked to stop talking about it.

 

Which singled her out in a negative way. And children are very sensitive to that. A teacher should know that.

[anika99]

That reminds me of an incident in my nephew's school 2 years ago. And let me add that I'm so thankful to be childless .... for these reasons ...... My nephew got stolen from in the second month of the school year like four times in a row. It was then uncovered who it was. That kid became student of the month in that very same month. Probably due to his parents interfering .....My nephew never became student of the month in that whole year. My sister is a single parent, the father is not involved, she has three kids who are very well-adjusted and who are great students all three of them. Due to the fact that she's working a full-time job, raises three kids on her own - with the help of a nanny - and travels a lot for business - very successful career, she cannot attend every single fundraiser and she has no time to volunteer much in the schools. But she is a great mother and she does attend school events whenever she can. The boy who stole from my nephew – his parents are very much involved in the PTA. That incident got me thinking. It's not about who your kids are and how they behave in school. It's all about who the parents are and how much they are liked and how much influence they have within the school environment. And that's a public school by the way.

 

Myself and my youngest son were targeted in the same way when my son was only 7yrs old. I was a single working parent and I was also poor. My son's teacher and her assistant would make a federal case over everything my kid did wrong. Even really minor things like talking during quiet time (my son was super high energy and outgoing and found it really difficult to stay quiet when he was little) would have them writing nasty letters to me and being overly punitive to my son, meanwhile my son was being bullied by several other kids and they continually turned a blind eye. In one instance some kids took his lunch away from him, took his coat and urinated on it. My son, not knowing how to defend himself, told the kids he was going to tell his big brother (my older son who was 12 and went to a different school nearby)and his brother would beat them up. He was just a little kid saying silly things trying to protect himself. The schools reaction was to bar my older son from stepping anywhere on school property, even though he himself never uttered any threats and I relied on him to pick up my younger son after school and walk home with him because I was working. So then I had to pay someone to go get him and walk him home everyday. Meanwhile the kids who were being cruel to him never suffered any consequences for their behavior.

 

The way my son and myself were treated was disgusting. The principle always acted like she empathized with me but then she would side with the teacher in her actions. I would have loved nothing more than to see that teacher be disciplined in some way but in the end the most important thing was for me to attend to my son's well being. I got my son enrolled in another school where the principle, his teacher and the other kids all immediately took a liking to him. I watched him go from a troubled unhappy little boy to a cheerful confidant kid almost overnight. Getting him out of that disgusting school was the best thing I ever did for him. So I think if the OP feels like her daughter is being negatively impacted and the school is not siding with her then she should just let her daughter change classes. The daughters happiness and well-being is the number one priority, not winning a fight with the school or being vindicated.

[noelle303]

I don't think the teacher was right in doing that, I mean really, a bunch of kindergarten kids are hardly going to do the math and figure out the situation. I don't think most preteens would even realize.

 

That being said, are you really calling for the teacher to be fired over it? I'm not sure it was that extreme of a situation. I understand that it's a private school, but that doesn't mean perfection, if the teacher was reprimanded that is about all you can expect.

 

And as for the whole liberal or conservative community thing. I'm not sure this situation falls under one where even a liberal community would condone of it, it shouldn't have any affect on your daughters schooling, but you broke a moral code that is pretty universal, not just confined to "conservative" communities.

 

Thinking back on it, I don't think even the teacher actually did the math, she probably knew already.

 

I understand that it's a universal moral code, but I meant that it's not some bible belt state where they would brand you with a scarlet A, it's a liberal area where people tend to mind their own business for the most part.

 

Myself and my youngest son were targeted in the same way when my son was only 7yrs old. I was a single working parent and I was also poor. My son's teacher and her assistant would make a federal case over everything my kid did wrong. Even really minor things like talking during quiet time (my son was super high energy and outgoing and found it really difficult to stay quiet when he was little) would have them writing nasty letters to me and being overly punitive to my son, meanwhile my son was being bullied by several other kids and they continually turned a blind eye. In one instance some kids took his lunch away from him, took his coat and urinated on it. My son, not knowing how to defend himself, told the kids he was going to tell his big brother (my older son who was 12 and went to a different school nearby)and his brother would beat them up. He was just a little kid saying silly things trying to protect himself. The schools reaction was to bar my older son from stepping anywhere on school property, even though he himself never uttered any threats and I relied on him to pick up my younger son after school and walk home with him because I was working. So then I had to pay someone to go get him and walk him home everyday. Meanwhile the kids who were being cruel to him never suffered any consequences for their behavior.

 

The way my son and myself were treated was disgusting. The principle always acted like she empathized with me but then she would side with the teacher in her actions. I would have loved nothing more than to see that teacher be disciplined in some way but in the end the most important thing was for me to attend to my son's well being. I got my son enrolled in another school where the principle, his teacher and the other kids all immediately took a liking to him. I watched him go from a troubled unhappy little boy to a cheerful confidant kid almost overnight. Getting him out of that disgusting school was the best thing I ever did for him. So I think if the OP feels like her daughter is being negatively impacted and the school is not siding with her then she should just let her daughter change classes. The daughters happiness and well-being is the number one priority, not winning a fight with the school or being vindicated.

 

I'm sorry that happened to your son, it sounds awful. But my daughter is honestly very well accepted among other kids, she has great friends, we have playdates often and she is thriving both socially and intellectually. It really is a very good school in terms of academics, as I said, the best in our area. So it's not about winning a fight with the school, it's about taking my daughter out of an environment where she is happy because the teacher can't separate her personal feelings from her work. She hasn't been actually negatively affected by the teacher as of yet and I would like to prevent it from happening.

[rester]

My daughter started kindergarten this past fall and everything has mostly been really smooth. She's a really sociable, well-adjusted kid so she made a lot of friends, she loves going to school, she is perfectly on-track with everything, very intelligent and I was told that she'll soon start recieving 1st grade work (proud parent moment, sorry).

 

Generally, both her and I have fit in very well, even me making friends with some of the moms there.

 

However, the teacher's behavior towards my daughter and I has been very strange. This is a female teacher in mid-forties.

 

When school first started she was strangely insterested in my life, asking me some personal questions which I found nosey but chalked it up to small talk. She kept telling me how much she admires single parents and what they do and how hard it must be etc. and I was like....ok? But let it go.

 

Then, my daughter tells me that her teacher asked her questions about me (?!!), again personal questions about my job and whether I have a ''special friend'' and so on. I was weirded out but didn't want to cause a fuss without a proper cause.

 

Which brings me to what happened next - the kids were doing a story on their family. Now, my daughter lives with me and every other weekend she visits her father who lives with his wife and their two sons. The sons are older than my daughter because she was born when he was already married to the wife. After my daughter's story on her family, the teacher clearly put two and two together and realized this. She told my daughter that she shouldn't say these things and should leave her father's family out of it.

 

When my daughter told me this, I was furious! My daughter is a small child and I worked so hard for her to grow up unaffected by the whole situation. She's obviously too young to understand the whole ''issue'', but I am certainly not going to raise her to be ashamed of her family and origins. She did nothing wrong and she has nothing to hide.

 

I went to the principal to complain and after he spoke to the teacher she said that she stands by what she did. That it could present a problem to the other children as they get older and she also made comments on how she knew something was ''strange'' with me as soon as she met me. She called me a young sexually promiscuous (!!) girl and a ''bad role-model'' and that I will probably ''flaunt my looks'' in front of the dads at the school.

 

I am horrified by the comments and obviously don't want this woman around my child any longer. The principal suggested a change of class for my daughter, but to be frank, I don't see why my daughter needs to change classes and adjust to a new environment when she was not in the wrong here? This is a private school that I am paying and they shouldn't allow such behavior from their staff. At the very least, if they aren't going to fire her my daughter's class should get a different teacher.

 

Am I crazy or was this woman totally out of line?

 

I would make a HUGE stink about this and continue it up the chain above the principal if needed. I've known teachers to be fired over much less and at the very least I would request a new teacher for your daughter.

 

The bolded is especially concerning. Put everything in writing if even only to yourself. Have notes and dates and times of absolutely everything. Do not trust your memory on this.

Edited January 12, 2017 by rester

[basil67]

I don't think the principal is behind her crazy comments, he actually seems nice, was apologetic and understanding.

 

I want to point out that we don't live in a rural/conservative area, this is a progressive, private school in one of the most liberal states. It's very strange the way she is behaving.

 

The school and the environment is great and definitely not toxic, other than this particular teacher. In my opinion, she is the problem so why should my daughter be the one to leave?

 

I disagree with your view on the principal. If he was truly supportive of you, he would have smacked down the teacher's private comments about you and never mentioned them to you.

[basil67]

My nephew got stolen from in the second month of the school year like four times in a row. It was then uncovered who it was. That kid became student of the month in that very same month. Probably due to his parents interfering .....My nephew never became student of the month in that whole year.

 

The Student of the Month award is likely to have come about because the child who stole stuff was generally struggling but made some really good academic or social progress that month. A lot of class recognition happens when a child does something good and that good is recognised in an effort to help turn their attitude around. It's about positive recognition rather than negative recognition.

 

It's also important to allow a child a fresh start after being punished for their mis-deed. If he continues to be treated as a thief, he will be ostracised and live up to those expectations.

[GunslingerRoland]

So I have to ask what the missing link here is. It seems like this woman knew who you were and what your history was before you ever walked into the school.

 

If you understand how she knows about you it might help you understand the situation better.

[MuddyFootprints]

It sounds as though all parents involved are successfully and proactively co-parenting.

 

I would set up a meeting with all the parents involved and identify as a unified front for your daughter's sake.

 

Nip this in the bud, now.

[MissG]

The Student of the Month award is likely to have come about because the child who stole stuff was generally struggling but made some really good academic or social progress that month. A lot of class recognition happens when a child does something good and that good is recognised in an effort to help turn their attitude around. It's about positive recognition rather than negative recognition.

 

It's also important to allow a child a fresh start after being punished for their mis-deed. If he continues to be treated as a thief, he will be ostracised and live up to those expectations.

 

I get that. However, nobody ever apologized or returned anything. Student of the month is fine for encouraging good behavior - but in this case I think an apology would've been in order. What did it teach my nephew? It taught him that stealing will be rewarded with no consequences. Not ok. My sister never said anything to anybody. She just told my nephew to not bring things to school if he doesn't want to "lose" them.

 

I get the concept of student of the month, though. It should be given to those who need it the most. In this case, though, it was misplaced, and more a "parent of the month" award.

[minimariah]

In my opinion, she is the problem so why should my daughter be the one to leave?

 

in most bullying related situations - the bullied part is almost always the one who has to leave, the bully stays. schools & the staff aren't cooperative when it comes to bullying --- it's easier to have one kid leave than it is to change a teacher for 20 other kids. that's the way school staff thinks. it is unfair - but it's just the way it is. i suggest you take this problem to the board - the teacher is ABSOLUTELY out of line and her thoughts are disturbing... she sounds as dumb as a box of rocks - if it doesn't work out, you'll have to change schools. it is what it is, not sure what else to tell you... you'll have dozen more situations like these where you'll be screwed over & treated unfairly. you lose some, you win some.

[noelle303]

So I have to ask what the missing link here is. It seems like this woman knew who you were and what your history was before you ever walked into the school.

 

If you understand how she knows about you it might help you understand the situation better.

 

It's not necessarily that she knows me, but it's possible that there are mutual acquaintances or something so she knows about the situation. I have no idea, it's just my guess. I don't even care, I just think she is nuts and has obvious boundary issues that a teacher should not have.

 

in most bullying related situations - the bullied part is almost always the one who has to leave, the bully stays. schools & the staff aren't cooperative when it comes to bullying --- it's easier to have one kid leave than it is to change a teacher for 20 other kids. that's the way school staff thinks. it is unfair - but it's just the way it is. i suggest you take this problem to the board - the teacher is ABSOLUTELY out of line and her thoughts are disturbing... she sounds as dumb as a box of rocks - if it doesn't work out, you'll have to change schools. it is what it is, not sure what else to tell you... you'll have dozen more situations like these where you'll be screwed over & treated unfairly. you lose some, you win some.

 

I know, it'd be easier if it was me being screwed over, but I feel like my daughter would be and that's what I'm having a hard time accepting.

 

I'm going to set up a meeting with them, clear the air, see what this lady's issue is and if they don't resolve it I'm going to take it up with the board.

[anika99]

I went to the principal to complain and after he spoke to the teacher she said that she stands by what she did. That it could present a problem to the other children as they get older and she also made comments on how she knew something was ''strange'' with me as soon as she met me. She called me a young sexually promiscuous (!!) girl and a ''bad role-model'' and that I will probably ''flaunt my looks'' in front of the dads at the school.

 

I know it isn't fair and I think you are in the right but based on the quote above, I would accept the offer to have my child moved to another class rather than allow her to continue with this teacher. The reason I say that is because clearly this teacher doesn't like you and I'd be worried that she will take her disdain for you and place it on your daughter. She will do it in subtle ways that you won't be aware of. Your daughter will feel it but she won't tell you about it because it will be so covert that your daughter won't be able to articulate exactly what is happening or what she feels, but it will wear her down and she will become unhappy. Normally I might say that sounds far fetched but based on her having the nerve to say such outrageous things to you I don't think it's a stretch to think she may also take her personal feelings out on your daughter. Especially since the school is clearly letting her get away with her bad attitude towards you.

 

You can call a meeting if you like, and the teacher might even act all contrite and even apologize but she still won't like you, she will probably dislike you even more just for calling her on the carpet and for that reason I wouldn't want her around your daughter. The only good outcomes are to have your daughter moved to another class or to have the teacher terminated or moved which is highly unlikely to happen

Edited January 12, 2017 by anika99