Is it possible to improve our sex life with a wife like this?

[oldshirt]

I have a little different take on this than the other posters. I don't think either of you will be content and happy with your love and sex lives. I don't think this is a case of letting her get some sleep and then read a book on how to make her orgasm and all will be well.

 

I think you are simply mismatched and should have never married and had all these kids in the first place. What the heck were you thinking????

 

I don't see any 'happily-ever-afters' here.

 

I only see a couple, 'how-do-we-survive-untill-the-kids-are-older?s'

 

- one is be a good supportive and helpful companion and stop trying to have sex with her at all and let the poor thing sleep at night. Then ask if in exchange for leaving her alone, if you can hook up with a "professional provider". periodically until the kids are old enough they don't need 24/7 hands on care and you can divorce.

 

- the other is to basically do the same thing but see if in exchange for leaving her alone if she'd be ok with hooking up with drunk chicks in bars on your business trips until the kids are old enough that divorce is reasonable.

 

I don't see this situation as fixable to a degree that either of you will really ever be healthy and happy. Each of your personas and characters are mismatched. She will likely never be the hot, sex chickie you want, and you will likely never be the kind, caring, supportive husband and father that she needs to feel safe and comfortable.

 

It is in both of your better interests to find more supportive and compatible partners. Your obligations however is to provide a safe and supportive and loving home for your children until a time they are able to feed and clothe and toilet themselves.

 

Until then get off her back completely and help her by being a supportive coparent and farm out your sexual needs whether it be by a professional or your own hand. You've already used her all up.

 

And above all else, get yourself snipped tomorrow so this can't happen again.

Edited January 12, 2017 by oldshirt

[S2B]

Whenever anyone wants to blame another person - it's is only useful to look at how YOU are participating - and change the way you participate. Best way for change to happen.

[elaine567]

I have a little different take on this than the other posters. I don't think either of you will be content and happy with your love and sex lives. I don't think this is a case of letting her get some sleep and then read a book on how to make her orgasm and all will be well.

 

I think you are simply mismatched and should have never married and had all these kids in the first place. What the heck were you thinking????

 

I don't see any 'happily-ever-afters' here.

 

I only see a couple, 'how-do-we-survive-untill-the-kids-are-older?s'

 

- one is be a good supportive and helpful companion and stop trying to have sex with her at all and let the poor thing sleep at night. Then ask if in exchange for leaving her alone, if you can hook up with a "professional provider". periodically until the kids are old enough they don't need 24/7 hands on care and you can divorce.

 

- the other is to basically do the same thing but see if in exchange for leaving her alone if she'd be ok with hooking up with drunk chicks in bars on your business trips until the kids are old enough that divorce is reasonable.

 

 

No religious young woman with 4 kids will be happy letting her husband hook up with drunk chicks or prostitutes. She won't buy that.

 

But I do agree with "What the heck were you thinking????"

[Ele88]

You are a cheater. I hope she finds out and divorces you.

[oldshirt]

No religious young woman with 4 kids will be happy letting her husband hook up with drunk chicks or prostitutes. She won't buy that.

 

But I do agree with "What the heck were you thinking????"

 

She probably won't like it, but with 4 kids under the age of 4, she will probably agree to it to get him off her back.

[rushed]

How does she react when you ask her to try new things? "Can I tie up your wrists tonight?" "Can I try this blindfold on you?"

 

Text her a link of your favorite adult store and ask her to pick out any three items she wants, and tell her to go ahead and order them.

 

I get the embarrassment and shyness on her end. You just have to figure out different approaches.

[oldshirt]

She probably won't like it, but with 4 kids under the age of 4, she will probably agree to it to get him off her back.

 

....and with 4 young kids, she may opt for him getting his needs met elsewhere rather than her having to do and vs him simply packing up and leaving her with 4 screaming mouths to feed.

 

This is a horrible situation to be sure. But periodic visits to a working girl in exchange for him leaving her alone and not leaving her with 4 babies may be the lesser of 3 evils.

[BaileyB]

Based on what you have described, your sex life sounds pretty normal... many men may say pretty good actually.

 

Considering that this woman has spent the better part of the last five years pregnant and she will be raising four young children, you should count yourself lucky that you are getting regular sex at all. Your wife must be exhausted, never mind all the physical and emotional changes she has endured during her pregnancies.

 

If you wife is happy with your sex life, then you should be happy. Some women have a hard time getting there, from penetration, oral, fingers, or even vibrators. Nothing about that is unusual nor should it be a reflection of your performance or the quality of her experience with your sex life. It's just fact for many women.

 

I don't see what the problem is, other than the fact that she has a husband who was so selfish that he disrespected his wife and family because he wanted some wild sex on the side.

 

Dude, the problem is with you... Not your wife.

Edited January 12, 2017 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

....and with 4 young kids, she may opt for him getting his needs met elsewhere rather than her having to do and vs him simply packing up and leaving her with 4 screaming mouths to feed.

 

This is a horrible situation to be sure. But periodic visits to a working girl in exchange for him leaving her alone and not leaving her with 4 babies may be the lesser of 3 evils.

 

Believe me when I say, it would kill her. Anxiety, depression, even alcohol and drugs...

She didn't get married to have her husband cheat on her or visit prostitutes. It is not a sexless marriage. She is giving him sex.

The problem is with him, NOT her.

[oldshirt]

Believe me when I say, it would kill her. Anxiety, depression, even alcohol and drugs...

She didn't get married to have her husband cheat on her or visit prostitutes. It is not a sexless marriage. She is giving him sex.

The problem is with him, NOT her.

 

I agree the problem lies primarily with him.

 

Yes, She is "giving" him sex - but is she wanting too and is she enjoying it or getting anything out of it is the question.

 

Duty sex is often more toxic and more damaging to both parties than no sex at all, especially if it is coerced or under duress, which this might be to some degree.

 

All I am saying is given the option, she may rather he get it elsewhere rather than bugging her for it.

[BaileyB]

We don't know that she's not enjoying it. I mean really, it sounds like the sex is happening relatively regularly, different positions, oral, toys... Who's to say that she's not enjoying it? For a mother of four children under 5 years old, she seems to be doing fairly well...

 

It's not a sexless marriage. It sounds like she is giving... It may not meet the OP expectations, but it could be so much worse...

 

Tell us if we are not correct OP.

 

And, as a woman who is busy raising his children and trying to meet his sexual needs, it would hurt so badly to know that he is cheating and/or visiting prostitutes. I don't see any woman thinking that this is a reasonable solution...

 

It's easy to say but for me, if I was trying to be a good wife and raising his four children - only to learn that my husband was having an affair/visiting prostitutes... He would be out of the house so fast he wouldn't even be able to pack a change of clothes and I would be visiting a lawyer to file for divorce and request spousal/child support. That kind of behavior from a my husband and the father of my children would be totally unacceptable to me.

[carolann]

Wow...this is one of the most awful things I have read on here.

 

I feel so sad for your wife and those babies. I hope she has some support from friends and family since she doesn't get it from the man who vowed to love and cherish her. She must be absolutely exhausted, and I'd be willing to bet you aren't as good in the sack as you think you are.

 

If my husband were as selfish as you sound, I wouldn't be able to orgasm either.

[Mr. Lucky]

You know vallat, I'm trying to reconcile this:

 

I do know that our lacking sex life DID play into it. Was it the only factor? No, but it was a factor.

 

With this:

 

We have 3 children who are 2, 16 months, 4 months, and she is pregnant.

 

You seem like an intelligent guy. You've been together 54 months, your wife's been pregnant for 30+ of those. You've brought 3 small children into this world, about to have a 4th.

 

You didn't think this was going to affect your sex life? It didn't dawn on you that you and your needs would naturally move down the list a few notches?

 

And the life and family you're building together isn't worth the joint sacrifices both of you are making?

 

I'm baffled by your thought process...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vallat]

Sorry that I don't want to settle for a poor sex life like half the people here. Yes, it's not as bad as it could be. There could be no sex at all, she could be unwilling to do oral. I understand that. Of course sex dipped a little after each baby. I don't expect her to push a baby out, then get right back to sex. We did have sex shortly after, and conceived, but it wasn't frequent.

 

My wife doesn't enjoy the sex. If she was totally happy with it just the way it is, I'd probably be fine. Half the fun, if not more, is making HER happy and HER enjoy herself. I've been with a good amount of women and I haven't had problems giving them a good time. Yes, they are all different and took a learning curve, some times have been better than others, but it has never been like this. Imagine being unable to please your wife, that isn't going to make anyone feel good.

 

My wife is frustrated that it doesn't feel good. The main positions we do are missionary, her on top or spooning, there is the odd time of doggy. I'm not exaggerating, the only one that feels good is her on top with me sitting up (so sitting on the couch or sitting up in bed with her on top, not laying down). I don't know why, I don't get it, but that is the only position that actually feels good for her. Everything else feels "meh", she can tell I'm there but isn't getting pleasure from it.

 

My wife is frustrated that she can't reach orgasm from sex or oral. She says it feels good (sex only if that one position is used) but no matter how long it lasts she cannot reach orgasm. She can get almost there, then it fades. She can't do it with her hands either. With a vibrator it takes 30-60 minutes depending on the strength, and it has to be done a very specific way or she won't get there. From what I can tell, she puts it on her clit like normal, but right before she orgasms she has to move it up. I've tried over and over to do it for her, but it's so specific and the timing has to be perfect that it doesn't work.

 

So no, she doesn't enjoy sex. We have sex frequently because she thinks that's what she has to do to keep a husband. She cooks, she cleans, she raises the kids and she pleases her husband. It's what she was raised to believe and what she does. She can be totally exhausted and falling asleep, but she'll still have sex. Does she want to? I doubt it. And yes, I know her exhaustion factors into the "half assed effort".

 

Our decision to have kids was planned. It's not like we just decided to forgo condoms to see what would happen. Each of our kids were planned. My wife wanted to have them close together to get the hard part over with in one go. I was on the side of spacing them out but we went with her decision. This is our last baby and I am getting a vasectomy before it's born. We wanted 4 kids, we (almost) have them, we're done there.

 

Outside of the bedroom our marriage is great. Maybe I'm just being a selfish prick. For me it's easy, I go to work and come home ready for sex. Her day is a lot harder than mine and she works 24/7. I know it was stupid to expect the sex to get better. She is extremely reserved and shy, I thought with time she would open up and be able to express herself. That may still happen, but not while she is continuously pregnant and we have babies and toddlers running around. She doesn't have a sex drive at all right now, it's been off and on since the first pregnancy (usually off, TBH).

 

And no, I am not going to go have sex with women who aren't my wife. That is no kind of marriage and that is not something that she would ever want. "Sorry hunny, you are too bad at sex so I'm going to have to use prostitutes" isn't going to make her feel like rainbows and sunshines. I think she'd rather do it herself than let someone else touch me.

[aileD]

You already did go have sex with women who aren't your wife so don't get all night and mighty about that comment.

 

Listen if she isn't enjoying it but she WANTS to and is having problems physically then you can work with that. She needs to talk to her doctor, he their hormones checked, sometimes birth control or medications can cause this as a side effect. There are female enhancement drugs now. Maybe she needs meds for anxiety.

 

Maybe you could see a sex therapist, read some books together, read erotica together. Also if she's using a vibrator a lot she can desensitize the area, maybe she needs to lay off the vibrator for a month or two to let things settle down.

 

Maybe she feels too much pressure because this is something you obviously discuss a lot.

 

I'd say getting to the doctor to discuss this would be the first suggestion

[BettyDraper]

My experience is that men who have strong Madonna/Whore complexes always want to marry inexperienced women who have sex like porn stars. It's a completely unrealistic and ridiculous expectation.

 

You clearly enjoyed conceiving your children but you aren't mature enough to handle the negative effects of pregnancy and raising children on a woman. The last thing your wife needs to be concerned about is becoming a better sex partner when she's PREGNANT and raising THREE young children. I guess that's hard for you to understand since you admit that she has a harder days yet you can only think of your needs.

[BaileyB]

This is definitely not an uncommon problem to have. Many women have difficulty having an orgasm during sex. However, that doesn't necessarily have to mean that sex is not good or pleasurable for a woman.

 

Feeling pressure to have an orgasm or meet the expectations of a partner will most definitely kill any chance of having an orgasm. Just trying to relax into the moment can be difficult when you have little people sleeping down the hall and a million things to remember to do.

 

Perhaps now is not the right time to focus on your sex life - let's just be realistic. But, if you must, I would think a counsellor or sex therapist may help her to learn about her body and get over any hang ups she has about sex. You may also want to explore some different sex toys... There are some new and very interesting toys that have come on the market in recent years.

 

Your post shows a little more insight, but it's hard to rationalize your words with the fact that you cheated on your pregnant wife and mother of your three (soon to be four) children. If you think you are ever justified to cheat on your wife and place the stability and security of you family at risk... you've got another thing coming. If she ever learns that you have cheated, this will surely kill and any hope of an orgasm or fulfilling sex life for you and your wife, that is for sure!

 

And the hard truth is, you should tell her. You place her health at risk when you do this and she deserves to know what kind of a man she has for a husband. The kind of man who commits to her, supports her dreams for a family, but has sex with another woman because the sex at home while she is pregnant and raising your young children isn't exciting or pleasing enough. Sadly, she should really know that you are not the loving and faithful husband that she thinks you are.

Edited January 13, 2017 by BaileyB

[Lady2163]

Wow. So much to say.

 

First of all, speaking as an exOW (single), you could be the exMM I was with FOR SEVEN YEARS. He was not your age, didn't have kids so close together and I'm not going to confirm the number. But he and wife are conservative Christian and he married her hoping their sex life would improve. It never did. Their youngest child was in high school before his wife had an orgasm.

 

It rarely works to marry someone hoping they will change.

 

I never had the guts to ask him this, but I'm going to ask you - why did you marry her if the sex was so bad?

 

At least you get oral. The first time his wife tried oral, she threw up on him before her mouth even got there. After that, for some reason he could never fully relax when she tried it again. I believe him and knowing how many conservative Christians are, both he and his wife were given the same message as your wife was growing up. Nice girls don't enjoy sex. Nice men don't expect doggy style sex since it is demeaning. Or can be construed that way.

 

However, before marriage he found some nice girls who DID enjoy sex. So he was able to overcome that fallacy.

 

Your wife likes the position she does because it is stimulating her gspot. Sorry, but DUH. You are only using a vibrator on her clit? Is it a strong one? Good vibrators cost money. But, during masturbation why on earth do you not have a second vibrator/dildo inside her? It is hard to orgasm at times when it is just clitoral. It helps if the muscles/vagina have something to grip. If a dildo offends your male ego, then get a gspot stimulator.

 

My question for you is: what does your work future hold? I've known people who still send their 11-12 year old kids to bed at 800 PM. When exactly do you expect to get to know your children? You need to evaluate your work situation. Either change jobs to be closer to home or change your home closer to work. You need to make some major changes.

 

Your work day doesn't end until hers does. You don't do chores correctly? Learn them. Make her show you again. There's a chance she may have a few OCD traits and it could help if you learn what her personal feng shui is. I'm not saying she's OCD, I'm just saying that her way of thinking may be different than what you're used to.

 

Touch her without expecting orgasm. Yours or hers. An earlier poster said it, but I will say it as well. I was a very unsatisfied wife and married the laziest man possible, he will even admit it now. He hassled me for sex for so long I finally told him we were going to have sex every day for a month. Only he was not allowed to orgasm or masturbate to orgasm. He wanted to know where the fun was in that. I reminded him that he was completely happy to have sex and not make any effort for my orgasm. She's essentially just having sex for your benefit only. Every time.

 

So, back rubs, foot rubs - again all without any sex expectations. Find out where she likes to be touched and just as important where she DOESN'T like be touched. It's a lot easier to say, "rub harder" on a should blade than on her genitals.

 

If your kids are in bed when you get home, then it should be all about your wife and your life together.

 

Have you considered sending the kids to daycare, even if for just one day a week?

[fireflywy]

I wonder if she disconnected with you because she sensed something was wrong when you had your affair?

 

You yourself said she is submissive so maybe she never had the courage to confront you and it has slowly been eating at her comfort with you because she suspects but never confirmed.

 

From a male point of view, and your defensiveness about the affair and attempts to justify it with "reasons," you come across as selfish which I'm sure is manifested in other areas of your relationship. This probably turns her off too and she only does sex out of obligation to the marriage.

 

That would certainly impact my ability to let go during the act.

 

Now, because you cheated, it's like you are having some karma dealt back at you. Perhaps it's fitting that eventually she drives you away, leaves you on the hook for support, and finds a guy who really does it for her since you've torpedoed this relationship with your behavior.

 

Now, for you honest, respectful, and faithful guys out there facing the same situation and who come across this thread in a future search (this isn't for the OP) your women could be tired, stressed, overworked with child raising. Don't be the guy in the Harry Chapin "Cats in the Cradle" song. Carve out sometime for your family, some romantic time for the two of you, and treat her to some well deserved pampering. Up the romance, up the flirtation, and let things simmer throughout the day with play before you two meet up that night. And if it doesn't work out due to circumstances that arise, don't be a whiny guy: keep trying. Then if still doesn't work, do the responsible thing and find someone you're compatible with.

Edited January 14, 2017 by fireflywy

[whichwayisup]

How she was brought up and her belief system regarding sex is ingrained deep inside her. It's going to be very difficult for her to change and be open minded without years of counseling and changing her way of processing and thinking about sex and herself.

 

If you want an exciting and hot sex life, divorce her so you can have what you want. Just be a good father to your children and provide for them. You and your wife can co parent apart. Your wife deserves a man who understands her past and her views on sex, accepts the good and the bad, makes peace with it and doesn't cheat.

 

When was the last time you just held your wife, gave her a massage, ran a bath for her, just cuddled with her and kissed her without any sex, no expectations? When was the last time you gave your wife flowers?

 

Seems you two just aren't connecting outside of the bedroom too. It is possible that you two just aren't a match for marriage.

[Lonelywife2323]

I'm not going to blast you on here like many are. Yes, I think cheating is horrible and ****ty thing to do. But, I do understand why you did it. Was it a good thing? No! I get it though. That said, your wife needs counseling. She cannot be a sexual person when she has grown up and been forced to believe it's wrong or whatever. There is no way to fix this unless the mental state that sex is dirty is erased and she is reconditioned to understand that it isn't. She stops herself from having an orgasm when she thinks about how it's a bad thing. You cannot fix this. She needs intense counseling and a safe, supportive relationship

[S2B]

Reaching orgasm is 90% mental and emotional. With a woman that has difficulty reaching orgasm you must connect on a larger scale emotionally and mentally to stimulate the brain to connect to the vagina.

 

Instead of considering cheating you could be trying ways to be more connected to your wife so she can relax and be playful with you.

 

She's exhausted I'm sure!!! Can you hire help for her on a daily basis?

 

What can YOU do to help her?

[stillafool]

Because I (stupidly) thought it would get better the more comfortable she got. I don't like to say it because it makes me feel like (and look like) the worlds biggest A-hole, but it's probably the worse sex I've had. I can think of one encounter that was worse, but it lasted a minute so in comparison it's probably not as bad. That shouldn't be how it is with my wife.

 

There is potential for it to be good, she just won't let it get there and I don't know how to help her get there.

 

I can't believe you would marry a woman who you were having the worse sex ever. Why didn't you marry one of the women you were having the best sex ever with?

[mightycpa]

Why don't you guys start with the vibrator, and when she's on the verge, you take over with your mouth? Who knows, she might like it.

 

Also, you might want to try giving her a phrase you'd like her to say, and insist that she says it to you, over and over, until it sounds like she means it. Anybody can do that, given enough practice.

 

You've got to get inventive to break her out of her shell, I guess.

[Lady2163]

Why don't you guys start with the vibrator, and when she's on the verge, you take over with your mouth? Who knows, she might like it..

 

As I woman, I don't recommend this. Changing the sensation from vibrator to tongue "when she's on the verge" is essentially hitting the reset button.