Now I'm really confused about my gf intentions.

[Monel]

I have actually posted here recently about my relationship problem but there is a new development recently with my ex.Well...to cut the long story short,I’m the bad guy in my relationship in contrast to most of the cases here.I was too controlling and I admit I had mentally abused her. For me my gf was actually patience enough to give me two years but too bad I blew it.She broke up or should I say had cooling period as she claims it to be but I know that she has been telling other people outside that she has already broke up with me.The break happened because I have trust problems with her during the last moments of our relationship and when I go chasing after her,it pushes her to the point that she shuts herself off emotionally and refuses to talk about our relationship.Now I’m trying to move on with my life and addressing the issues that had caused the broke up to happen.Actually my trust for her is still not complete yet.I found out that she has been lying and keeping a lot of things from me after we broke up and I’m observing her behavior at the moment to see whether it is worth having her back in my life but I had a birthday dinner and a movie with her recently and it is not easy to be with her together without being too emotional.She is still very nice to me and also very concerned about my decision to give up my part-time studies as I wanted to concentrate on my work first.All along during the outing,she is actually trying to get me to talk and call each other pet names like old times while I’m the one who is too sad to talk about anything.After the dinner,she says she has to leave early as she has to meet someone else and sensing my dissapointment.She try to console me and suggested to hang out again next week if she is not too tired from work.On my way home,she messaged me via sms to thank me for the dinner and apologized to me and consoling me again for the part when she has to leave early. Things have been cool and going well eversince that dinner and we have IMing everyday with causal talks with no serious confrontation provided I do not mention anything about our relationship.

 

On one hand she seems to be keeping things from me but on the other hand she is also being very nice to me. I’m really confused now…but maybe wat is most important is she was faithful and truthful to me when she was with me and I shouldn’t be too concerned about wat she is doing now.From wat I know she is a nice,caring and understanding women when she is with me and I believe she is not a bad person at heart either…but I dun know,I really confused…is she playing with me and just stringing me along as a backup plan or she is really truthful and willingly to work out the relationship with me in the future after she has overcome her issues while I overcome mine?Any advice will be greatly appreciated fellows.

[Monel]

Actually I have been thinking the whole day about her whole agenda of lying to me and keeping things from me.I was beginning to believe that the lies that she told me are all white lies.Maybe she knows that I dun really trust her now and she also dun really know whether she should trust me now as that's wat she told me herself so maybe she has been keeping some of her activities from me like going out with guy friends and the likes to avoid further misunderstanding,confrontation and mistrust.If that is the case,I think our trust and communication problems is really serious as she dun even dare to tell me the truth now.

 

I have come to the decision to stop everything now,stop thinking too much,stop talking about getting back,stop showing the indication to chase her back,show her care and concern to make her feel that I'm still there for her as a 'friend' and to trust her like I used to.Hopefully it will also help her trust me back again.I feel that I should also observe her behaviour and her actions towards me.I think it will really take a lot time to rebuilt our realationship and maybe by then we would have already meet someone else in our life.She is an exceptionally strong woman and NC is not a solution here for my case .If I do NC,she will just take it that I have moved on and she will move on too so I feel that limited NC is more suitable for my case here.Meanwhile I will continue to get on with my life as normal,work on the issues that has caused the breakup and let time and fate take it's course.I hope all these is a right course and action that I should take.

[aares]

I dont understand why she lies to you...it doesnt make sense because she is nice to you and everything...I could understand her lying to you while having a rude attitude towards you but thats not the case. Have you asked her why she is lying to you? You should tell her that if she keeps lying there will be NO chance between you and her again. That might get something in her head straight. Are you lying to her? Maybe she thinks that you are lying to her and that is why she is lying to you?

 

I wouldnt let the "relationship rebuilding" between you and her last long if she doesnt stop lying and if she doesnt act like she cares about resolving the issues you two have. Do you two talk about resolving the issues, or is it just normal talk, like "how are you" "what have you been up too" sort of talk? Does she contact you? How often do you ahve contact with her? I wouldnt do NC like you said you werent going to anyways so that is good. It sounds like you have a good plan, I would stick with it.

 

On a side note...I cant believe how similar our relationships were. My ex was a b1tch to me, but for some reason she isnt a b1tch now...she is caring just like before, just like your ex is. Weird...very weird.

[Monel]

Haha aares,I already had a good talk face to face with her and have also admited my mistakes and my mental abuses towards her.She told me she can't convince herself to be back with me at the moment and she also has other problems to deal with herself,her career and her family.Nowadays I'm the one who is always contacting her and I did mention to her about why it seems like she doesn't have much to tell me about herself lately but she just told me that she is too tired from her work so I accepted her reason as I feel that she is really tired from her work,at the same time wishing to avoid rising another confrontation with her and give her as much space as possible.Most of the time,we just talk about normal stuff but the response doesn't show much interest and contents so there is really nothing much to work on.Anyway it is useless to talk to her about the lying thing.She will either has excuses to it or she will always deny it till her last breath,I will be observing her in this area whether anymore of it will takes place.I think maybe our ex is really scare of us with what we did to them in the past and their trust level towards us has gotten so low that they have to lie to us in order to avoid further misunderstandings,confrontation and our fury.I think there is a serious wall to communicate when both of us assume that we dun trust each other.

 

Anyway she sent me a funny sms just now after I told her how I feel about the things that she told me last night that once she can't live without me too in the past but as I hurt her along the way using breakups as a form of control.etc,she is already getting used to it and is capable living life very independantly without me now.The message reads like this"Don't always talk about the past if you want to work hard for the future if not you can forget about it".Right now I'm still trying hard to derive what she means by this.

 

From wat she told me she doesn't want a breakup but from the things that she said,I feel that I meant nothing much to her now as having me around or not doesn't really matter much to her.She is emotionally dead towards me but yet she still cares...well maybe it's the friends kind of care and not the sign that I'm looking for yet at the same time she still wants me to work hard and prove myself to her.It is messy...really messy,I wish I can read her mind so that I can get answer or some form of closure hehe....Yeah,I agree our case is weird indeed but wat can we do,we are the ones that spoilt the goods and now we have to be prepared to pay the price.

[aares]

How often do you contact her, by any means? I would say, depending on the contact level you have now, reduce your contact with her like you said you were going to. Maybe she thinks that you are needy if you try to talk to her all of the time, if you actually do. I understand a lot of the crap that is going on sucks to deal with because I am going thru it right now. The stuff that bothers me, I just start thinking about something else and it helps because I have the type of mind that wont stop thinking about stuff. Do whavever you can to avoid confrontation because she will get pushed away if you two keep having conflicts arise.

 

Do her excuses seem legit to you, without thinking about them too much? If she told you the truth, would you get angry and start an argument with her, or would you say, "oh, okay" and keep it in? Maybe the reason she doesnt tell you the truth is because she knows you will start a conflict with her.

 

About her message...do you dwell on the past with her? How often do you bring the past up? I believe it is necessary to think about the past as to fix the problems, but not focus on the past, if that makes sense. If you do bring the past up, talk about fixing the problems instead of getting in an argument about it. She doesnt want a breakup? You two have been broken up...maybe she means that she doesnt want to let go for good yet. I think the only think you can do right now is wait and do your own thing for a while and see how she acts. If she continues to act this way towards you without emotion, I would forget about her because she will only drag you down. There should be a point in which you will know what to do...keep after her or drop her. Hopefully that point in time comes soon.