How should I deal with boyfriend's childish behaviour?

[Lovezen_30]

Whenever my boyfriend is under a lot of stress (he's recently unemployed), he regresses to acting like an adolescent. We are both 25. Most of the time he is a really thoughtful partner. Last week, he spent 3 days looking after me while I was sick and despite the illness we had a really nice time together.

 

The first annoying incident was a couple of months ago - during an afternoon out, he started acting very childish and annoying. When I finally asked what was up, he admitted he was stressed lately about the fact his employers weren't paying him the full wage he was owed. He's been more or less fine since then.

 

But this week he is moving out to a friend's house temporarily and been attending job interviews. He has never once said he is stressed about all this though he must be. Last night we went on a date and he acted like an *ss for most of the evening.

 

I'm talking petted lip, putting on loads of annoying voices, publicly tickling me, saying things to wind me up...it carried on to this morning at which point I said 'I'm totally serious - I want to date an adult not a manchild'. He said he wants to cook dinner for me next week, but I find myself putting off seeing him because of this! Can someone help me understad what is going on here and how I can deal with it in future?

[IfonlyIknew]

How long have you been with him? Doesn't sound like great compatibility. If you're annoyed with the little things now just wait till later.

[umirano]

I have never behaved this way, nor do I know anyone who did. Maybe he subconsciously tries to push you away?

 

You can always give him an ultimatum and break up if he keeps acting like a 6yo. I'd see that as totally reasonable.

[Redhead14]

Whenever my boyfriend is under a lot of stress (he's recently unemployed), he regresses to acting like an adolescent. We are both 25. Most of the time he is a really thoughtful partner. Last week, he spent 3 days looking after me while I was sick and despite the illness we had a really nice time together.

 

The first annoying incident was a couple of months ago - during an afternoon out, he started acting very childish and annoying. When I finally asked what was up, he admitted he was stressed lately about the fact his employers weren't paying him the full wage he was owed. He's been more or less fine since then.

 

But this week he is moving out to a friend's house temporarily and been attending job interviews. He has never once said he is stressed about all this though he must be. Last night we went on a date and he acted like an *ss for most of the evening.

 

I'm talking petted lip, putting on loads of annoying voices, publicly tickling me, saying things to wind me up...it carried on to this morning at which point I said 'I'm totally serious - I want to date an adult not a manchild'. He said he wants to cook dinner for me next week, but I find myself putting off seeing him because of this! Can someone help me understad what is going on here and how I can deal with it in future?

 

You've made him aware that his behavior is a problem for you. Now, you sit back and observe whether he makes an effort to correct the problem. If it happens again, you remind him that this is unacceptable to you and you will not tolerate it. If it still continues, you end the relationship. When you create a boundary, you may need to reinforce it at least once or twice because habits are hard to break (he needs to demonstrate effort at least) and then enforce consequences if it continues.

 

If this is how he behaves under stress, the next time it happens, you tell him that you will let him process whatever he's dealing with and that he should call you when he's collected himself and behave in a mature way. That is the consequence of his actions. He needs to feel some consequence at least in order to learn . . . But if you have to keep reminding him over and over, end it. It just means he won't change or doesn't want to make an effort for you.

 

By the way, how long have you two been seeing each other?

Edited January 12, 2017 by Redhead14

[Lovezen_30]

You've made him aware that his behavior is a problem for you. Now, you sit back and observe whether he makes an effort to correct the problem. If it happens again, you remind him that this is unacceptable to you and you will not tolerate it. If it still continues, you end the relationship. When you create a boundary, you may need to reinforce it at least once or twice because habits are hard to break (he needs to demonstrate effort at least) and then enforce consequences if it continues.

 

If this is how he behaves under stress, the next time it happens, you tell him that you will let him process whatever he's dealing with and that he should call you when he's collected himself and behave in a mature way. That is the consequence of his actions. He needs to feel some consequence at least in order to learn . . . But if you have to keep reminding him over and over, end it. It just means he won't change or doesn't want to make an effort for you.

 

By the way, how long have you two been seeing each other?

 

Thanks Redhead (fellow redhead!). We have been together for 4 months, this is the second time I've seen this behaviour. His explanation was that it happens when he is feeling 'high energy' - I just find it unacceptable.

 

It's strange because just last week we spent several days holed up together all day every day because we both got sick. And it was great! We looked after each other & I think this was a positive sign. Then he pulls that annoying behaviour this week When he acts like this, it strips me of any sexual attraction I might have towards him.

[Lovezen_30]

How long have you been with him? Doesn't sound like great compatibility. If you're annoyed with the little things now just wait till later.

 

Yeah but what woman would be compatible with such annoying behaviour? I am thinking the same as you. Most of the time he's a totally mature, reasonable human being...but when he acts like this I can't bear it.

[smackie9]

This is a learned coping mechanism from childhood. When he was growing up, like so many little boys do, act up and do stupid things to burn off energy and stress. He never grew out of it. This is something a therapist could address. BUT in the meantime, have a conversation with him....it seems that just talking things out calms the behavior, so just tell him, next time he feels he has some anxiety/stress....even a tiny amount to vent/talk it out with you....because that is what adults do to get through the stressful times.

[kendahke]

The first annoying incident

 

...was when you needed to tell him that you're not dating a manchild. When you didn't clarify that in that moment, that meant you would be fine with him acting out because you will stay.

[Gaeta]

This is a learned coping mechanism from childhood. When he was growing up, like so many little boys do, act up and do stupid things to burn off energy and stress. He never grew out of it. This is something a therapist could address. BUT in the meantime, have a conversation with him....it seems that just talking things out calms the behavior, so just tell him, next time he feels he has some anxiety/stress....even a tiny amount to vent/talk it out with you....because that is what adults do to get through the stressful times.

 

It's exactly it.

 

He probably does not even realize he's doing this.

 

Make an agreement together that when he starts this behavior you gently inform him 'hon you are doing it right now'. And at that moment he stops and breath in a few times. That will stop him in his track before he gets all worked up and become unstoppable. Don't let it escalate.

[Redhead14]

Thanks Redhead (fellow redhead!). We have been together for 4 months, this is the second time I've seen this behaviour. His explanation was that it happens when he is feeling 'high energy' - I just find it unacceptable.

 

It's strange because just last week we spent several days holed up together all day every day because we both got sick. And it was great! We looked after each other & I think this was a positive sign. Then he pulls that annoying behaviour this week When he acts like this, it strips me of any sexual attraction I might have towards him.

 

This is the time for you to really start focusing and addressing issues like these. You are in the evaluation phase which includes observing his ability to meet your needs and for him to demonstrate that those things are important to him.

 

What is his dating history? What caused the end of any prior relationships? (What does he SAY was the cause of them).

 

And, I would be careful about "withholding" sex. I get you may be a little put off of him sexually, but sex should never be used as a weapon in a relationship. I mean, you don't want that to come off as a tool of manipulation. What you can say if he's wanting to be intimate at a time like this is "you know, Xname, I don't like your behavior. I love you and enjoy having sex with you but right now, I'm just not in the mood because of that behavior. Can we just cuddle tonight?" He needs to know that his behavior affects you in a really negative way. It turns you off.

[elaine567]

OK but is his "high energy" due to stressful situations augmented by a little "medication", if you get my drift?

[Lovezen_30]

This is the time for you to really start focusing and addressing issues like these. You are in the evaluation phase which includes observing his ability to meet your needs and for him to demonstrate that those things are important to him.

 

What is his dating history? What caused the end of any prior relationships? (What does he SAY was the cause of them).

 

And, I would be careful about "withholding" sex. I get you may be a little put off of him sexually, but sex should never be used as a weapon in a relationship. I mean, you don't want that to come off as a tool of manipulation. What you can say if he's wanting to be intimate at a time like this is "you know, Xname, I don't like your behavior. I love you and enjoy having sex with you but right now, I'm just not in the mood because of that behavior. Can we just cuddle tonight?" He needs to know that his behavior affects you in a really negative way. It turns you off.

 

This is really helpful, thanks. His last relationship ended due to 'long distance' according to him. She broke up with him over the phone 8/9 months in. I don't get the impression his past relationships have been as serious as some of mine...don't know for sure.

 

No, I don't and never have withheld sex. But I felt turned off for the first time ever after this behaviour...so that could be a good thing to do.

 

I must say that he demonstrates that my needs are important to him the vast majority of the time. Vast isn't the same as all though and he needs to realise how significant this behaviour could be for our relationship.

[Lovezen_30]

This is a learned coping mechanism from childhood. When he was growing up, like so many little boys do, act up and do stupid things to burn off energy and stress. He never grew out of it. This is something a therapist could address. BUT in the meantime, have a conversation with him....it seems that just talking things out calms the behavior, so just tell him, next time he feels he has some anxiety/stress....even a tiny amount to vent/talk it out with you....because that is what adults do to get through the stressful times.

 

He doesn't talk to me about his stresses at all (once said 'I don't want to burden you with it'). But then he burdens me with another type of behaviour and that's worse!

 

I am reluctant to bring it up when he doesn't because I don't want it to seem like I think he can't handle things.

[Redhead14]

This is really helpful, thanks. His last relationship ended due to 'long distance' according to him. She broke up with him over the phone 8/9 months in. I don't get the impression his past relationships have been as serious as some of mine...don't know for sure.

 

No, I don't and never have withheld sex. But I felt turned off for the first time ever after this behaviour...so that could be a good thing to do.

 

I must say that he demonstrates that my needs are important to him the vast majority of the time. Vast isn't the same as all though and he needs to realise how significant this behaviour could be for our relationship.

 

Vast isn't the same as all though and he needs to realise how significant this behaviour could be for our relationship -- Yes, he does need to know that. You can sit down with him and tell him how this behavior affects you and offer your support. Tell him that you realize that that behavior is how he deals with stress/high energy but that there is a healthier/better way to deal with it when it comes to you and the relationship between you two. Remind him, that he can come and talk things out when he's got a problem or something is causing him to be stressed and offer ways to help if you can. Tell him what it is you would rather see happen . . . he likely doesn't know any other way because he's been doing that for so long.

 

Women very often tell a guy that he's doing something wrong and that he needs to fix it, but they don't offer suggestions or tell them what would work for THEM.

[smackie9]

He doesn't talk to me about his stresses at all (once said 'I don't want to burden you with it'). But then he burdens me with another type of behaviour and that's worse!

 

I am reluctant to bring it up when he doesn't because I don't want it to seem like I think he can't handle things.

This is why COMMUNICATION IS KEY. If you let him understand that you are not fighting against him but cooperating with him, and make some agreement on how to handle it, he will learn and adapt to a new way of handling stress....retraining his brain.

 

If you are just going to stick your head in the sand because he may get a little butt hurt then this relationship is doomed. Maybe just call it now before it really starts to hurt you bad after you have invested too much in this relationship.

[Lovezen_30]

This is why COMMUNICATION IS KEY. If you let him understand that you are not fighting against him but cooperating with him, and make some agreement on how to handle it, he will learn and adapt to a new way of handling stress....retraining his brain.

 

If you are just going to stick your head in the sand because he may get a little butt hurt then this relationship is doomed. Maybe just call it now before it really starts to hurt you bad after you have invested too much in this relationship.

 

No, if he is willing to acknowledge the problem then I am happy to work on it.

 

But first, he needs to acknowledge that it is a problem worth taking seriously. I'm not about to start correcting his behaviour as though he were a child though - I am an adult and need to be with an equal partner. He needs to realise that no woman will be attracted to this regressive behaviour (I hope!).

[GemmaUK]

I suspect he did this as a kid - same as another poster.

What that did for him was likely got him told off (he got attention when he wanted it - just any attention will do for some) and then when he is upset the universe is to blame for everything - incredibly childish!!

 

I would suggest being blunt and telling him you are losing sexual attraction for him when he behaves like this.

He needs to realise you are not his Mum.

Right now he is putting you into the bracket of 'Mum' when he is stressed. He goes into wind up mode and wants to have negative attention - it's better than opening up and talking OR closing up and getting no attention right?? WRONG!!!!

 

The thought in the future of any stressful scenario - house buying, job changes, parental illness..etc...beggars belief!

I wouldn't stick that out.

I'd be gone.

[Gaeta]

No, if he is willing to acknowledge the problem then I am happy to work on it.

 

But first, he needs to acknowledge that it is a problem worth taking seriously. I'm not about to start correcting his behaviour as though he were a child though - I am an adult and need to be with an equal partner. He needs to realise that no woman will be attracted to this regressive behaviour (I hope!).

 

To him this behavior is acceptable, to you it's not, therefore it's up to YOU to show him how much unacceptable it is for you. If you just stand there with angry eyes it just teaches him it's fun it makes you do angry eyes at him.

 

If you really want to convey this is not acceptable when he does it just leave, right there on the spot, no negotiation, go back home and don't pick up his call till he sends a message saying he realizes he needs to change that.

[preraph]

I don't know if you can change it. All you can do is get away from it. I hate childish people.

[bachdude]

I'm not buying the whole, "I behave this way because I'm stressed" business.

 

 

It's not just the stress. He has it in him, stress or not, and it will come out at different times.

 

 

Look, I think you need to realize that this is part of his personality and what you are essentially saying is you want to change this aspect of his personality. Let's just be honest about it.

 

 

Now, that doesn't mean you have to be ok with it or that you have to like it. Of course not.

 

 

In just think you need to realize that there may in fact be a woman out there who has the same sense of humor and same sense of fun as he does.

 

 

So when you talk to him about it, I don't think you have the right to call him a "man-child" or speak for all women on the matter. Gosh, I have known women with a total playground/raunchy sense of humor who liked to belch and might really like playing along with him.

 

 

Asking him to tone it down is valid. But telling him or implying that there is something wrong with him is not. He is who he is.

[Gaeta]

This guy is 25 years old, he does not need a therapist, he just needs to mature and it's normal to need maturing at 25. It's a habit he can work on and change (tone down), but he has to want to. The heart of the problem is there, does he want to offer you the best of him and quit this. If not, move on.