Second Chance? - long post

[Steve_H]

My first post and I do it with an epic... sorry.

I also wonder if this should be in second chances?

I'm Steve -lurker and finally a poster. I've been trying to pare this down to a reasonable length for a while but I think I'm just too close to it.

So here is my long-winded scenario and eventual question:

 

 

I met 'L' online in Nov 2015 and texted and called for a month before we met. She was 39 and I 47. We lived 300+ km drive away and saw each other on weekends and some extended holidays. We took time off whenever we could for each other. She had her son during the week and he went to his Dad's on weekends. We had also both dated online before

 

We were so close and our understanding so complete before we even met that our first meeting, our 'proving', felt almost redundant. We met half-way at a country public pool and were in each other's arms very quickly; as we both expected we would be.

 

Our second date, a couple of weeks later over Xmas, was a magical five days in the country; house-sitting her friend's place. After that we knew we were in love. She was a year or so out of a 15 year marriage and I the same from a 9 year relationship; both of which were demeaning and negative; less than the sum of their parts. Both with lazy partners who used us as a crutch for different reasons.

 

For 9 months we had lovely weekends together and went away for a few great adventures in the bush. We could spend an entire day in bed together reading, eating and canoodling. We talked of having a child; we planned to buy a house together in the country as soon as I could get work in her region. We praised each other and told each other how much more positive they were than our exes. It was a relationship where the sum was greater than the parts; where we were both enhanced. I used to joke that we had a gender-role reversed relationship: she was the career-chasing financial planner and I was the passionate, heart-on-the-sleeve, do what you love, emoter. But whatever works I say.

 

Then she was forced out of her city rental and (after some encouragement from me) bought a house in the country. Which she adores and has no regrets over.

But then it all changed...

 

Being an hour's commute from the city made 'L' decide she could only host her son on weekends. And as he doesn't like the outdoors we never went anywhere much and had little of our previous private time together. I was OK with being the one always commuting and never complained that all we did was hang at her place and do house-work (I enjoy building and renovation projects and suggested quite a few). but we both noticed the stress of the change and the loss of excitement and closeness of the first 9 months and the shift in power.

 

I was playing the long-game here and told 'L' so; hanging in there until we could finally live together and start to forge a proper life. But at about the 12 month period; after 2-3 months in her new house, she ended the relationship; saying it just wasn't working and she needed to be single. This came out of the blue to me, as 2 weeks before we were talking about the logistics of me eventually moving in, 1 week before were planning our Xmas holiday and that very morning she instigated very affectionate love-making.

 

I ranted and I raged; I then apologised and sent flowers. We spoke kindly but without resolution and then I went to ground for about 5 weeks and joined the local bushwalking club, ramped up cycling to work and joined local kayaking trips. And I sent her flowers again for Xmas.

 

By the time we were in contact again on Xmas eve, she was texting me how much she missed me and how keen she was to catch up. She took time off to come and visit me in early Jan and we had two days of the most tender, affectionate, loving and passionate time together that I think we've ever had. We were in bed after 20 minutes of talking. She admitted her love for me still and how hard she had found our time apart. I reminded her later of our talks of having a child and the initial barrier she put up slowly melted and she returned to that conversation a few times.

 

But this was not to be a reconciliation. She insisted that the distance made things between us unmanageable. She also brought up an issue about me being disorganised financially (I am) when I had to transfer money to pay for dinner that night. I countered with the fact that she is selfish (she admitted so) when, whilst I was making us both tea for breakfast, she only made food for herself. It was good to get some things spoken about.

 

After pressing her as to what lay ahead after our 24 hours of passion she admitted it was up in the air and dependant on how we felt in the future and she was unsure of her decision. But that was all.

 

For the next 24 hours I (mainly) initiated a stream of passion with text and email messages hinting at my love. We all but decided to meet up so I could help her with some unfinished house renovations (which I love doing anyway) but it was all a bit one sided. So I put the brakes on (I'm learning) and waited for her contact, which came after 24 hours of silence saying she'd love me to come down.

 

I saw the specialness of the relationship and was prepared to commit to the long view - I guess more than she was. My chances of gaining a job in her region are not fantastic in my industry (GIS) but this encounter has encouraged me to focus on my career and growth strategies this year with the hope that I can improve my chances.

 

I still carry the torch for 'L' and I am not interested in 'Let go', 'Get over her', 'No contact' ... etc. I'll do that in my own time when I'm ready. I had a 'Love of my life' relationship 25 years ago and when she left after 5 years (after 2 years living in a hiking tent together) I never waited for her. I said to her "you were the one love of a lifetime and I know I'll never get this chance again". She came back 9 months later but the spell was broken and I had moved on. When I met 'L' I said to my sister "I feel like I've been given a second chance at true love". So this time I will wait...

 

I guess my question is - where do I go from here? I agree with her that the distance and the commute (almost always me) was hard. I know that the weekend only romance left us feeling particularly empty during the week.

 

I know that people (women) do this slow weaning to let themselves down easily and I particularly want to address the idea of a 'second phase' of ex re-attraction once you are back in contact and in a very loose FWB phase.

I know I need to stop 'being the communicator': I'm always the one to reach out. A month apart drove her crazy and if I want her to stop 'weaning' I feel I have to keep challenging her more than I used to. Not harshly, but gently, tell her the stuff I used to put up with is not OK. But its a tricky tightrope to walk.

 

 

 

What else should I do to fan a sputtering flame in this difficult relationship?

 

 

Steve

Edited January 12, 2017 by Steve_H

[William]

Moderator bump after moving thread from LDR ~T