Is this worth a try?

[SJ69]

Hey all. So I'm in a pretty weird situation... my ex girlfriend and I dated for 1 1/2 years in high school, from junior to senior year, and broke up because I was too immature. I cheated on her quite a few times and wasn't worthy of her. Since this, all I have really thought about was finding a girl like her, I think because I still feel guilty and miss what we could've had if I wasn't so stupid. Anyway, every year while we're on college break she usually sends me a text and we get on the subject of the relationship. She also adds me on social media then proceeds to delete me a few weeks later only to add me again at a later time. Yesterday I saw her at the gym, this was the first time we had actually seen each other in months, she then later that night adds me on social media and sends me a chat. The conversation was mainly about the old relationship with a bit of flirting but she made comments like "I'm only a smart a to you because you're the most deserving," and "I let it go I just like reminding you of how crappy you were," just things like that but in a friendly tone I guess and today she told me to have a good day. Maybe I'm thinking too far into it, but I do still have feelings for this girl and I want to at least try something but I don't know how nor if it's even worth it or if that's where her heads out or how to even start the conversation to get a shot... I'm just genuinely confused and she does this same thing every year like it's some sort of game. Any advice?

[DarrenB]

By the sounds of it you probably were incredibly immature, let's not forget the fact that you cheated on her on more than a few occasions. I'll have to be honest with you and say that she definitely made the correct decision in leaving you.

 

Whereas I believe self-development can be made fixable to some situations in regards to relationships, breakups and reconciling, I don't think the actions of which you have done are fixable. Atleast to salvage anything in relation to her.

 

To be quite honest, I'm surprised she's keeping in touch... maybe there's no hard feelings I suppose. I think through trial and error, you've probably developed and moved past everything, but it's not worth it. By not worth it, I'm not saying that she's not worth it, more so the fact of hurting her again isn't. Unless there isn't any significant change, don't continue talking to this girl and conversing with each other. You are the one who made the abrupt decision to deceive her on multiple occasions and various other things, therefore you will have to admit, acknowledge and understand that some things aren't going to work in your favor, and rightly so in this scenario.

 

I think she's keeping in touch purely because she's in a forgiveness stage where she doesn't feel the need to hold any conflicting feelings, resentment or hurt against you anymore. But as far as reconciling, please don't bother. Because the chance of doing exactly the same thing/s that you've already done is not worth hurting someone and putting them through more burden repeatedly.

[sandylee1]

I think you should stick to a friendship and nothing more with her. It's best she has a relationship that starts on a clean slate and doesn't have the memories of your serial cheating.

[Steve_H]

Hey all. So I'm in a pretty weird situation... my ex girlfriend and I dated for 1 1/2 years in high school, from junior to senior year, and broke up because I was too immature. I cheated on her quite a few times and wasn't worthy of her. Since this, all I have really thought about was finding a girl like her, I think because I still feel guilty and miss what we could've had if I wasn't so stupid. Anyway, every year while we're on college break she usually sends me a text and we get on the subject of the relationship. She also adds me on social media then proceeds to delete me a few weeks later only to add me again at a later time. Yesterday I saw her at the gym, this was the first time we had actually seen each other in months, she then later that night adds me on social media and sends me a chat. The conversation was mainly about the old relationship with a bit of flirting but she made comments like "I'm only a smart a to you because you're the most deserving," and "I let it go I just like reminding you of how crappy you were," just things like that but in a friendly tone I guess and today she told me to have a good day. Maybe I'm thinking too far into it, but I do still have feelings for this girl and I want to at least try something but I don't know how nor if it's even worth it or if that's where her heads out or how to even start the conversation to get a shot... I'm just genuinely confused and she does this same thing every year like it's some sort of game. Any advice?

 

So you were a creep when you were together and now you talk about finding a girl "like her". Not about winning HER back specifically.

"Since this, all I have really thought about was finding a girl like her"

So are you saying your past actions have limited you in finding a new girlfriend?

 

We all suffer from a sense of regret and longing after the demise of a relationship but the question always needs to be asked: do I just miss being loved?

What, specifically do you miss about your ex? Because you mention absolutely nothing about her; just that you want to reclaim her.

And the fact that she deletes you so soon after adding you suggests you're not behaving like the man she wants you to be. Even though she feels something for you, although it may be only friendship. But it seems you can't even sustain that.

I'm glad you feel like you WERE too immature, but your post suggest you may not have moved on from this state - at least to her.

You don't talk about your behaviour in these situations - only hers. I think that is important. Until you have examined and can honestly admit to your role in any relationship dysfunction, you can't hope to tackle the problem.

 

Post a reply telling us how you stuffed up and what you did wrong. Until you can admit to your own short-comings you can't grow and win your ex back. Not that I think you really want to.

 

Because you then go on to say you don't know if she's worth it??!!

"I want to at least try something but I don't know how nor if it's even worth it "

 

So what is your measure of worth? What would another person have to BE to make them WORTH your effort? Do you understand how arrogant this sounds?

It doesn't sound to me like you know why you even want to be in ANY relationship. And you have no feelings for this girl except to validate your own self worth.

 

 

You don't even know how you feel about your ex and yet you're digging for hidden meaning. What you are trying to do I guess is seek for self-validation.

She was someone who for a period enhanced and validated your feelings of self worth. Now she's gone and no-one is giving you this feedback.

That is what you are chasing, not the girl herself.

Take some time out to stop seeking validation from others and focus on personal growth.

 

Sorry for the harsh words - this is just an opinion

I wish you all the best

Steve

Edited January 14, 2017 by Steve_H