Am I in a toxic relationship, should I leave?

[Growingcynical]

I've been with my partner for 7 years, and would describe our relationship as bi polar. When it's good, it's amazing. When it's bad, it's torturous.

 

My partner has OCD, so suffers from obsessive thoughts and is hugely analytical about everything. Because of the depth of analysis, he feels he is never wrong. After all, he analyses and sees more than the average person therefore he is right. I can't remember a single argument or disagreement where I've been right. If I have a valid complaint it somehow gets analysed until it ends up that I'm wrong.

 

I'm far from perfect, as are we all. But the slightest thing that would result in most people saying 'you were a bit of a tw&t there' is turned into an all night row and analysis into what was REALLY behind that remark or action. It's never the case that I was tired / stressed and snapped at him because he is nearest - it's evidence of my lack of respect for him / why would I be like that if I loved and respected him etc.

 

Every one of his friends and family joke I've got the patience of a saint putting up with him. And none of them have a clue about the dozens and dozens of times he has pushed and pushed an issue from being a minor incident to being almost crisis point. Most of our rows continue for hours, days and rarely stop until I'm sobbing in a heap on the floor as he asks the same questions over and over - 'how could you say / do that if you really loved or respected me?'

Once I'm sobbing on the floor, he will be satisfied that I truly understand how deeply I upset him and we can reconcile. Then he apologises for upsetting me and acknowledges he feels more deeply than most people. He acknowledges most people would barely notice whatever it was I did, but to him it's a catastrophic hurt... until the next time. I know it's the OCD, I know when he's in a rage or doing this it's driven by the anxieties of the OCD but he can not stop until he sees me sobbing on the floor.

 

I keep thinking it'll get better when... he was addicted to prescription painkillers so for 2 years I said it'll be better when he's off them (he's been off them 4 years now). His relationship with my son was rocky to start, I spent years saying it'll be better when they get along when he's older. He currently works long hours in a job he hates so I'm currently repeating to myself it'll be better when that contract ends in may.. am I kidding myself??

[Grathblagg]

Yes, you are in an unhealthy relationship. Should you leave? Not without first demanding that you and your husband go to MC first.

 

What you and your husband are dealing with is pretty common with OCD and ADHD men.

[Growingcynical]

Thank you Grathblagg. I've suggested he get help with the OCD in the past when it's been really bad. He had CBT years ago which helped a lot but he feels he knows the techniques so there's nothing new they can teach him so refused to see the dr. He wouldn't entertain MC as there's 'nothing wrong' with our relationship.... he honestly sees his reactions to things as correct, if sometimes a little stronger than most people. He feels it's not that there's a problem with our relationship that needs fixing although he has acknowledged that this could cause problems for the relationship, if that makes sense?

So I guess I've kinda answered my own question. He won't get help to change so it's down to me to either accept the bad to keep the good and quit whining or get out of it.

[Grathblagg]

Thank you Grathblagg. I've suggested he get help with the OCD in the past when it's been really bad. He had CBT years ago which helped a lot but he feels he knows the techniques so there's nothing new they can teach him so refused to see the dr. He wouldn't entertain MC as there's 'nothing wrong' with our relationship.... he honestly sees his reactions to things as correct, if sometimes a little stronger than most people. He feels it's not that there's a problem with our relationship that needs fixing although he has acknowledged that this could cause problems for the relationship, if that makes sense?

So I guess I've kinda answered my own question. He won't get help to change so it's down to me to either accept the bad to keep the good and quit whining or get out of it.

 

Yes. If he continues to deny that your relationship is suffering, at least partly due to his behavior, and does not desire to seek professional help with you in order to work on your relationship, you should prepare yourself emotionally and financially for an exit in an honorable fashion. If you take the steps to distance yourself emotionally in preparation for a new phase of your life, it may be the impetus for him to decide that he needs to take steps to keep you. Unfortunately, that's a double-edged sword, as by then, you may be at the point where you don't want to keep him.

 

Even if the shock of potentially losing you causes him to wish to improve your relationship through hard work (and you still want to live your life with him), it is often the case that one falls back into old patterns of behavior after the threat has subsided. You will have to be on guard against this, and not let him off of the hook too easily.

 

It is not easy to change someone who does not want to be changed. It is much easier to leave no stone unturned before getting into a relationship.

[Mittens]

Big fat NOPE to all of what he is doing to you. Not happy until you are sobbing on the floor? He may have OCD, but that's adding pleasure in humiliating you to the mix.

 

My ex H had a physical problem that affected our marriage. It was fixable with a circumcision...he spent 15 years refusing to have the op. 15 long bloody years...in the end I couldn't take it anymore. He honestly couldn't see what a major problem it was causing, even when I ended up having a termination because he couldn't use condoms properly and the morning after pill failed...and he was the one who adamantly didn't want children. I also got sick of his mother blaming me for her lack of grandchildren - she wasn't shy of saying it to my face. Wish I'd had the guts to tell her the truth, but she was dying of cancer and I didn't feel like I could be that cruel. If I could go back I would tell her all...

 

Anyway, the most telling part of your story is that like my ex, he doesn't see that there is a problem...which means there is no solution. Tell him you are leaving. Don't put up with his crap any longer. Don't let him humiliate you anymore than he already has.

[Growingcynical]

You've both hit the nail on the head I guess. To improve the relationship his behaviour and how he handles stressful situations needs to change. And I can't do that only he can.

We've had a couple of talks about where we are going, when I've told him that I love him deeply but I can't keep going on like this and I believe it's damaging for us both. The last one, around October last year he did acknowledge that he can see why I struggle and he'd be devastated to lose me. We made a few adjustments to our future plans to reduce pressure on him but he still refuses further cbt or counselling.

I'm thinking I've made it this far, the final line in the sand will be after May. His contract ends, our financial situation is such that he doesn't need to work immediately so there's zero pressure on him. If he's the same then I have to conclude it's him, not the external pressures that 'make the ocd really bad'.

[whichwayisup]

He needs to do continue with counseling, weekly and be on medication. His OCD is way off the charts.

 

And, you two need to not live together. Doesn't mean breaking up. He needs to fix himself so he can be healthy. Staying enables him and nothing will change.

[lightnsalt]

So sorry your are experiencing this, but there are solutions. Many OCDers can be helped with therapy and medication. It is the only way. Without it, they will drive their family away from them. He must be made to understand this.

[Downtown]

He feels he is never wrong.... He honestly sees his reactions to things as correct, if sometimes a little stronger than most people. He feels it's not that there's a problem with our relationship that needs fixing....

Cynical, you seem to be describing symptoms for OCPD (OC Personality Disorder), not for OCD (which is an anxiety disorder). I say this because OCD is described as invasive, stressful, time-consuming habits and obsessions that are intended to reduce the obsession-related stress. OCD symptoms thus generally are regarded as ego-dystonic because the OCD sufferer experiences those symptoms as alien and repulsive. This is why there is a greater mental anxiety associated with OCD.

 

On the other hand, OCPD symptoms -- though they are repetitive -- are not linked with repulsive thoughts, images, or urges. Rather, OCPD characteristics and behaviors are said to be "ego-syntonic" because the sufferer views them as being suitable and correct (i.e., as consistent with his natural way of thinking). Even so, the main features of perfectionism and inflexibility still can result in much suffering in an individual with OCPD due to the associated need for control.

 

Another difference is that, with OCD, the compulsive behaviors are driven by a strong desire to alleviate the anxiety caused by intrusive thoughts -- but with OCPD, those compulsive behaviors are driven instead by the fear of being negatively evaluated by others as “imperfect” or “incompetent.” This OCD-OCPD distinction is discussed at AnxietyHouse.

[testmeasure]

My entire family over thinks things and attempts to fine tune optimization. When you've done a decision tree or process of elimination backward and forward several times, it does get harder to think you could be wrong. I'm familiar with that. It's kind of the opposite of emotionally over reacting to something others wouldn't even notice. Over thinking and losing perspective are two different things. The over thinking I'm familiar with would hopefully detect the loss of perspective and compensate. Over thinking with a blind spot for loss of perspective would be a nightmare.

 

The only suggestion I could give would be to steer the systematic analytics toward the disproportionality or loss of perspective.

 

Another possibility to consider is that the disproportionate reaction to something others wouldn't even notice is a control tactic. Not a oversight or mistake. If losing perspective is an emotional control blanket, it's probably immune to the light of reason.

 

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Edited January 17, 2017 by testmeasure

[Thesadexpat]

Yikes! That sounds awfully familiar. My husband is the same - over analyzing things like crazy and being extremely mean and critical towards me. He is never ever wrong. Granted, I make mistakes but to him a small mistake turns into a 2-day brawl. All is the same minus the OCD diagnosis and the fact that your husband apologizes for making you feel that way. For me, if I want reconciliation, I will have to apologize. Like you when it's good it's great but how things can turn so easily by one small thing is so unsettling.

 

So while I don't really have wise wisdom to tell you, just know that there is someone else going through something similar. I'm so sorry you are going through this as I know how it feels and it's just awful. I'm in the same boat in the decision-making process.