Suicidial over being dateless

[someloser]

Hello, I'm a 36 year old male that's never had a girlfriend in his life.

 

I've dated here and there (when I've somehow have gotten dates) nothing has worked out. I'm super shy for some reason and cannot/will not approach anyone if you held a gun to my head and ordered me to say hi to a woman I would get shot. I'm not alone buy any means. i have friends and family and they all tell me what a great person I am. That I'm smart, funny, nice etc...

 

I have one female friend that even says I'm attractive just need to get over the shyness and stuff. They all say I have cool interest (Astronomy/cosmology/science, computer science, asian culture, classic literature, I'm even a bedroom dj) I guess I just consider myself a loser and the main driving force behind that thought is I've never had a girlfriend. Hell the only reason I'm not a virgin is because I finally got tired of my virginity and paid a hooker. Sex wasn't even that great and I faked my orgasm just to get it over with. Combine this with me loosing my job this year and I'm just end a bad place.

 

I consider myself a defective human being and honestly I just want to kill myself and get it over with. All of my friend have kids and families and relationships. I'm left to watch life's passing parade. Then all of my view points in the world are getting twisted. I see the world as a increasingly superficial place were you have to be "Christian Grey" to really succeed at anything especially relationships. Thing is I have no desire to be like that whatsoever. I don't know maybe I don't need to watch shows on Bravo lol.

 

Think Real Housewives or Vanderpump rules will make anyone feel like that. But If eel like thats what you have to be just about. And I'm not. I don't like money or I don't like that to be the focus on life because it can go real easily. I don't mind luxury and nice things (I shop at nice stores like express or banana republic when I can but at the same time don't like life to revolve around that. Just don't think I fit in today's world. I think I'm just afraid of life don't even go out to much because I don't like going out by myself, I don't drive because I'm scared I will **** up and wreck. Just scared risk in general. Probably doesn't help that I read the infidelity forums on here a lot lol.

 

I should point out I do have depression and a history with suicidal behavior been treated etc... just I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm a defective human being that needs to be sent back to the factory so to speak...via .38. I just don't know. I feel like I'm in my own personal void just fading away.

 

They don't make comedies about the 40 year old player or the guy who gets a lot of dates. They make them about people like me. Because we're ****ups who can't even get a date.

Edited January 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[darkmoon]

speaking as a depressive, ppl do not want much to do with us, get a herbal remedy containing passiflora to calm the mood if you can not get to a doctor

 

depression is a chemical imbalance, though my mood problems go back to my childhood, I know how much easier it is not to tell ppl, better for your image

 

what are your values? favourite foods?

Edited January 12, 2017 by darkmoon

[someloser]

Thank you for your response, I can see what you mean. Not only buy lack of response here but just in my life in general. Oh well c'est la vie. Such is the void. Which is cool. Is what it is. Thank you for your response though. I will try to look for that herbal remedy you suggested. It's going to be a while before I can find a doc. I use to work for the main behavioral health place here and I kind of burned some bridges when I lost my job. I wasn't a happy camper to say the least. I had been there for 16 years and poof so I kind of went off on my boss. My fault my mistake my immaturity my lesson learned if it even matters think I'm going to be dead by the end of the month at this rate. Don't want to see valentines day this year.

 

My values? That's a good question. I'm not religious or spiritual at all. Honestly I've gotten to the point where I don't even like calling myself an atheist because honestly I don't even care that much about the subject. I value intelligence, integrity, honesty, kindness, understanding, loyalty. For the most part I'm a live and let live to each their own kind of person as long as they're not doing anything super illegal or harmful (which is ironic seeing how I want to harm myself.) I don't really have any favorite foods don't get a whole lot of pleasure from eating these days. I'm mostly a meat eater though. Veggies trigger my gag reflex you would think I was doing a food challenge of fear factor if you saw me try to eat broccoli lol. I do try to eat healthy as possible within the confines of my diet though. Lots of lean meats, grains, and fruits. Must say I have a huge weakness for junk food though lol. That stuff is addictive

Edited January 12, 2017 by someloser

[pteromom]

They all say I have cool interest (Astronomy/cosmology/science, computer science, asian culture, classic literature, I'm even a bedroom dj)

 

There are SO MANY women who find this sexy! Especially at your age. This is all a bonus, not a minus.

 

I guess I just consider myself a loser and the main driving force behind that thought is I've never had a girlfriend. Hell the only reason I'm not a virgin is because I finally got tired of my virginity and paid a hooker. Sex wasn't even that great and I faked my orgasm just to get it over with.

 

This is not important stuff. Building relationships is about CONNECTION. The right person will connect with you, despite all this.

 

I consider myself a defective human being and honestly I just want to kill myself and get it over with.

Stop it. You aren't defective. You are likely DEPRESSED, but is the depression situational (based on lack of dating & what is going on) or is it clinical (coming from the inside out.) The only way to know is to get thee to a therapist who can prescribe medication. And before you balk - going on meds doesn't have to be a permanent thing. You try them. If they don't make a big difference in the way you feel about life, you STOP taking them. But I have so many friends who have done a 180 and feel "normal" now because of anti-depressants.

 

I see the world as a increasingly superficial place were you have to be "Christian Grey" to really succeed at anything especially relationships. Thing is I have no desire to be like that whatsoever. I don't know maybe I don't need to watch shows on Bravo lol.

Yeah, stop watching that drivel! There is a lot of superficial stuff in life. There is also stuff that is very deep and real and meaningful. Don't change who you are - there are PLENTY of us ladies who have no desire at all for a Christian Grey type.

 

Think Real Housewives or Vanderpump rules will make anyone feel like that.

If you are going to use a show like that to judge yourself, then judge the people on the show too. Are those the kind of women you are interested in? Fake, plastic, shallow, material, petty, catty? If not, it doesn't really matter what those kind of people would think about YOU, does it?

 

I don't like money or I don't like that to be the focus on life because it can go real easily. I don't mind luxury and nice things (I shop at nice stores like express or banana republic when I can but at the same time don't like life to revolve around that.

There are PLENTY of real women just like you. NORMAL women want security and to be able to take the kids to Disneyland, but aren't obsessed with luxury and money.

 

I don't drive because I'm scared I will **** up and wreck. Just scared risk in general. Probably doesn't help that I read the infidelity forums on here a lot lol.

Again - STOP IT.

 

Why feed your mind a bunch of negativity? If you are terrified of relationships because someone might cheat, no wonder you won't try. You gotta start trying to get out of your comfort zone!

 

1 - Read and watch things that lift you up, validate you, and connect with you

2 - Start trying doing little things differently. Walk a different way to work. Eat something new for dinner. Talk to someone you normally wouldn't. Start stretching your cocoon in preparation to break out.

 

I should point out I do have depression and a history with suicidal behavior been treated etc... just I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm a defective human being that needs to be sent back to the factory so to speak...via .38. I just don't know. I feel like I'm in my own personal void just fading away.

So if you want to end it, and you feel like you are fading away in a void, why the fear of risk? Just make yourself feel the fear and do it anyway, and who cares? Or maybe it is time for a BIG RISK, since you lost your job and are doing nothing much anyway. Buy a ticket to somewhere with hostels and do the "backpacking and finding myself" thing. Or even checking yourself into an inpatient treatment.

 

One thing is for sure - you have a lot of issues that a GOOD therapist could help with. "Been treated" isn't the answer. You aren't fixed, so you need continuous treatment until you find the RIGHT therapist.

 

They don't make comedies about the 40 year old player or the guy who gets a lot of dates. They make them about people like me. Because we're ****ups who can't even get a date.

All people are ****ups.

 

What makes you MORE of one than say:

 

- A guy who dated a lot and got married, but now is stuck in an unhappy marriage?

- A guy who has lots of material success & beautiful women, but can't find meaningful love?

- A guy who is popular but has no true friends?

 

Point is - none of us have perfect lives, even if it looks like it from the outside. Everyone has pain. Everyone has fear. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone has questions about the purpose of their life and whether they are living well.

Edited January 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting ~6

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

What do you do socially? What are your hobbies? How do you get out and try and meet new people?

 

Been suicidal loads before. Runs in my family. Many on here can relate. Do you drink or anything like that? Any drug use?

[mightycpa]

Hello, I'm a 36 year old male that's never had a girlfriend in his life.

 

I've dated here and there (when I've somehow have gotten dates) nothing has worked out. I'm super shy for some reason and cannot/will not approach anyone if you held a gun to my head and ordered me to say hi to a woman I would get shot. I'm not alone buy any means. i have friends and family and they all tell me what a great person I am. That I'm smart, funny, nice etc...

 

I have one female friend that even says I'm attractive just need to get over the shyness and stuff. They all say I have cool interest (Astronomy/cosmology/science, computer science, asian culture, classic literature, I'm even a bedroom dj) I guess I just consider myself a loser and the main driving force behind that thought is I've never had a girlfriend. Hell the only reason I'm not a virgin is because I finally got tired of my virginity and paid a hooker. Sex wasn't even that great and I faked my orgasm just to get it over with. Combine this with me loosing my job this year and I'm just end a bad place.

 

I consider myself a defective human being and honestly I just want to kill myself and get it over with. All of my friend have kids and families and relationships. I'm left to watch life's passing parade. Then all of my view points in the world are getting twisted. I see the world as a increasingly superficial place were you have to be "Christian Grey" to really succeed at anything especially relationships. Thing is I have no desire to be like that whatsoever. I don't know maybe I don't need to watch shows on Bravo lol.

 

Think Real Housewives or Vanderpump rules will make anyone feel like that. But If eel like thats what you have to be just about. And I'm not. I don't like money or I don't like that to be the focus on life because it can go real easily. I don't mind luxury and nice things (I shop at nice stores like express or banana republic when I can but at the same time don't like life to revolve around that. Just don't think I fit in today's world. I think I'm just afraid of life don't even go out to much because I don't like going out by myself, I don't drive because I'm scared I will **** up and wreck. Just scared risk in general. Probably doesn't help that I read the infidelity forums on here a lot lol.

 

I should point out I do have depression and a history with suicidal behavior been treated etc... just I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm a defective human being that needs to be sent back to the factory so to speak...via .38. I just don't know. I feel like I'm in my own personal void just fading away.

 

They don't make comedies about the 40 year old player or the guy who gets a lot of dates. They make them about people like me. Because we're ****ups who can't even get a date.

So here's what jumped out at me:

 

You claim to be super-shy, which is another way of saying you're afraid of something (you'll have to elaborate on that) but shooting yourself scares you less than approaching a woman and expressing an interest, presumably because you fear the reaction. You don't think the shooting will hurt more? It will. The funny thing about a woman who rejects you but doesn't know you is that if it happens enough, it completely loses its sting. Bullets, on the other hand, do not. Every one of them hurts. You can't get used to them.

 

Your fear is irrational on many levels. One, most women aren't monsters. Some will be interested, others won't, but there are very few who will burn you down to the ground just because you asked them out. Second, the whole "I'd rather be shot at than shot down" thing is, again, irrational. I'd suggest you have someone shoot frozen paintballs at you at close range to give you an inkling of what that's like. Third, you have experience with friends and family, even a female one, but you ascribe characteristics of people you see on TV to people you don't know. Do your family or friends act like that? Is money of paramount importance to them? Are all the men you know "Christian Grey" and all the women "Anastasia"? Doubtful at best. Again, irrational.

 

Last, this was interesting too:

 

Because we're ****ups who can't even get a date.

This is the kind of thing a guy who doesn't look for a job says about getting work. I have no doubt you can get a date, except for the part where you won't try. So the word to use is not can't, it is won't. From what you've described, this is completely your doing.

 

Unfortunately, you've chosen the wrong thing to be weird about. Deep down, a woman wants to know that her man can provide for her (and her children if that is her situation) when the sh*t hits the fan. That her guy will do whatever it takes to keep them in food and shelter and whatever when the whole world is going to hell. They "shy-guy" doesn't project that image, and so eventually, she subconsciously decides against him.

 

So the good thing is that you have only one thing to fix. The bad part is you've taken your sweet time about it, and you've waited until most suitable people have exited the dating pool. So even if you didn't have that problem, at your age, it tough anyway.

 

If I were you, I'd find a matchmaker, and just have her hook me up, a lot. I'd also get help with fixing my head.

[anika99]

Shyness can be a real killer when it comes to finding a partner. Shy girls have it easier than shy guys do but guys usually pursue the females.

 

You are simply going to have become willing to step out of your comfort zone and take steps to overcome your shyness. Consider joining a toastmasters club. They help people with overcoming their fears of speaking in public. Also consider joining a dating site and ask as many women out as you can. When you do this, assume that most are going to reject your invitation and of the ones who do accept your invitation, most will not agree to a second meeting with you. Accept that and do it anyways so that you can get practice with relating to the opposite sex.

 

When you go on these dates do it with the mindset that you have no expectations and no agenda other than to have some casual conversation with a member of the opposite. Most shy people are only shy when they care what the other person thinks and they want to impress. This is why your friends and family think you are a great guy, because you just relate to them as yourself. You're not all up in your head second guessing yourself and agonizing over what the other person is thinking of you. Your relaxed with your friends and family so they get to see the smart funny guy, the real you. So try online dating for practice. Tell yourself that you don't care what your date thinks and that even if you horribly embarass yourself the worst thing that will happen is that she will just disappear and you won't ever have to see her again. Again, don't look at it like you are going to get a girlfriend, look at it like you are going to get some practice.

[someloser]

So here's what jumped out at me:

 

You claim to be super-shy, which is another way of saying you're afraid of something (you'll have to elaborate on that) but shooting yourself scares you less than approaching a woman and expressing an interest, presumably because you fear the reaction. You don't think the shooting will hurt more? It will. The funny thing about a woman who rejects you but doesn't know you is that if it happens enough, it completely loses its sting. Bullets, on the other hand, do not. Every one of them hurts. You can't get used to them.

Thank for your response. Seems irrational yeah? Welcome tot he world of mental illness. It is irrational. But for people with depression the pain of getting shot isn't enough to scare them from the serenity of every ending if that makes any sense.

 

Your fear is irrational on many levels. One, most women aren't monsters. Some will be interested, others won't, but there are very few who will burn you down to the ground just because you asked them out. Second, the whole "I'd rather be shot at than shot down" thing is, again, irrational. I'd suggest you have someone shoot frozen paintballs at you at close range to give you an inkling of what that's like. Third, you have experience with friends and family, even a female one, but you ascribe characteristics of people you see on TV to people you don't know. Do your family or friends act like that? Is money of paramount importance to them? Are all the men you know "Christian Grey" and all the women "Anastasia"? Doubtful at best. Again, irrational.

 

It's very irrational I agree. I know most women aren't monsters but the environment I grew up in "hood" a lot of people try to live out there life like they're in a rap video. So I see a lot of people that just care about swag and image A LOT. Once I got burned and I wasn't even talking I just looked at some girl I thought was attractive and her friend immediately called me ugly and they both started laughing at me. Just for glancing. Buy you're right though. Not everyone acts like this. I need to get out of this neighborhood and expand my social circles. My friends aren't shallow. My family overall I wouldn't say is like that either.

 

Last, this was interesting too:

 

This is the kind of thing a guy who doesn't look for a job says about getting work. I have no doubt you can get a date, except for the part where you won't try. So the word to use is not can't, it is won't. From what you've described, this is completely your doing.

 

I see what you're saying here. I deficiently won't approach a woman. Though I would argue that can't/won't are one in the same in this instance. My fear is so big it freezes me. I'm my worse enemy on that front. I can get a job though. First time in my adult life I've been without work. I shouldn't be out to long though. Everybody needs and IT. Professional and academic success I'm ok at. social success not as much lol.

Unfortunately, you've chosen the wrong thing to be weird about. Deep down, a woman wants to know that her man can provide for her (and her children if that is her situation) when the sh*t hits the fan. That her guy will do whatever it takes to keep them in food and shelter and whatever when the whole world is going to hell. They "shy-guy" doesn't project that image, and so eventually, she subconsciously decides against him.

 

So the good thing is that you have only one thing to fix. The bad part is you've taken your sweet time about it, and you've waited until most suitable people have exited the dating pool. So even if you didn't have that problem, at your age, it tough anyway.

 

If I were you, I'd find a matchmaker, and just have her hook me up, a lot. I'd also get help

 

Yeah but I want more then that. Hooking up doesn't even sound fun to me. Like I said I'm not a virgin I've paid a hooker before, had a one night stand that someone hooked me up with before. Sex was horrible didn't even climax (faked it just to get it over with.) and I just felt sad and emptier afterwards. I think I would just like what everyone else seems to want a genuine relationship with someone who simply likes me for me. I also don't like the whole "alpha" thing. I equate alpha with ******* and I would rather not be like that. I just do not like that quality. I would almost choose loneliness over that. You're right I need help. Is there a way for a beta to project themselves better so that people accept and like them for them?

Edited January 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting; please use quote boxes and not bold font ~6

[someloser]

Shyness can be a real killer when it comes to finding a partner. Shy girls have it easier than shy guys do but guys usually pursue the females.

 

You are simply going to have become willing to step out of your comfort zone and take steps to overcome your shyness. Consider joining a toastmasters club. They help people with overcoming their fears of speaking in public. Also consider joining a dating site and ask as many women out as you can. When you do this, assume that most are going to reject your invitation and of the ones who do accept your invitation, most will not agree to a second meeting with you. Accept that and do it anyways so that you can get practice with relating to the opposite sex.

 

When you go on these dates do it with the mindset that you have no expectations and no agenda other than to have some casual conversation with a member of the opposite. Most shy people are only shy when they care what the other person thinks and they want to impress. This is why your friends and family think you are a great guy, because you just relate to them as yourself. You're not all up in your head second guessing yourself and agonizing over what the other person is thinking of you. Your relaxed with your friends and family so they get to see the smart funny guy, the real you. So try online dating for practice. Tell yourself that you don't care what your date thinks and that even if you horribly embarass yourself the worst thing that will happen is that she will just disappear and you won't ever have to see her again. Again, don't look at it like you are going to get a girlfriend, look at it like you are going to get some practice.

 

Yeah I do need to join some clubs to get out more. And it's all about getting out of my comfort zone. Meeting new people is a big challenge for me I honestly hate it. But I need to do it more. I've joined dating sites before was on okcupid for a while. Honestly my shyness and fear of rejection got the best of me on there. I had people ask and I couldn't even bring myself to respond. I think I had one date though. She was nice but ghosted me. Maybe I need to try it again with more of the mindset you suggested. Though I think I need some help to develop that mindset. And you're right it's like a night and day difference when I'm just with my friends and family I'm more normal silly self vs if I go to a party I get so shy I just shutdown and find a corner to hide in lol. Feel like I'm in hell at a party or a bar etc... and it's because of all the stuff floating around in my head.

[anika99]

Matchmakers don't hook people up for sex, they match people for relationships.

[someloser]

What do you do socially? What are your hobbies? How do you get out and try and meet new people?

 

Been suicidal loads before. Runs in my family. Many on here can relate. Do you drink or anything like that? Any drug use?

 

p { margin-bottom: 0.1in; line-height: 120%; } Hello, thanks for the response. I have some hobbies I'm into astronomy/cosmology (like really into it. Wouldn't mind going to school for it. Love me some outer space), Computer science, I'm into classic literature, I like studying different languages and cultures in particular Asian culture, I'm a geek. Star Trek, Star Wars, anime, video games I'm into it (anyone see that coming? ) I'm into all kinds of music my favs are electronically (trance, house etc... was even teaching myself to DJ at one point. Which is weird right? DJ's are HIGHLY social), and I'm a huge rock guy. Because of my race I listen to R&B and hip-hop but I don't relate most of it is about love or ego. Never been in love and my ego isn't worth anything lol.

 

 

Socially right now I don't do anything. I'm at that weird point where all my buddies have families. Some have moved and they're just busy being adults you know? Either way I don't get to hang out with them much. Occasional we all still get together. Mostly we talk when we're online playing a game or something. As far as meeting new people, I don't. Every time I find myself in new social situations I get scared as **** and just shutdown.

 

As far as drinking and drug use yeah I have to admit. Father time doesn't let me drink like I use too but I do drink heavily and am a pothead. Do ecstasy on occasions. With ecstasy Its like it cures my depression and for a few hours I'm feel like I'm normal socially at least all of my social fears go and I can talk normally. Not good, not good at all I know

[someloser]

Matchmakers don't hook people up for sex, they match people for relationships.

 

OH ok that's cool then lol. I'm so sorry I'm ignorant as well as new to the dating scene. When you said hook-up I thought you meant this hook-up culture people talk about. Sorry please forgive my misunderstanding. I appreciate your advice though I really do. New to the dating at 36... wow have waited to long eh? Wow.... wow... sorry just hit me what that actually means. It's going to be difficult to find someone at this juncture isn't it?

[anika99]

The only difference between you and the outgoing people that seem to easily meet people and partners is that they don't care what people think as much as you do. That's it. They are not better people than you, they have also experienced looking foolish, being embarrassed and being rejected. They just don't make a molehill into a mountain. They can laugh at themselves and accept that they won't be everyone's cup of tea. You are not a loser, you just care too much about being accepted and worry too much about what other people are thinking about you.

 

I too was painfully shy in my teens and twenties. I started to outgrow it in my thirties because I slowly stopped being so overly concerned about other peoples thoughts of me. I used to freeze up and practically become mute when in the presence of strangers. I used to analyze everything I wanted to say until it became too late to say it. It was terrible.

 

I got some CBT therapy which is really about changing our own negative thoughts and perceptions and learning to stop guessing at what others think or feel about us. This really helped me to overcome my fear of rejection and I started to become more relaxed around people. The more I relaxed the more they relaxed around me and wanted to be with me. Now I have no problems communicating with people. Conversation comes easily to me to the point that if anything sometimes I talk to much now...LOL. The voice in my head that used to say to myself "say something, anything....just talk" now says to me "why are you babbling....shut up" Haha..and I'm not a better person now I'm the same person I always was and if anything I had more going for me back then because I was young and beautiful, but people like me better now because I let them see me. They didn't warm up to me when I was so shy, not because they had some vendetta against shyness but because how could they like me when I wouldn't let them know who I really was?

 

You have to stop worrying so much about other peoples thoughts and feelings about you. I know that isn't easy to do, it takes practice and CBT will give you some tools to help you with that.

[someloser]

There are SO MANY women who find this sexy! Especially at your age. This is all a bonus, not a minus.

Thank you for you're response it is much appreciated. And thank you for the uplifting compliment. I really needed that.

 

This is not important stuff. Building relationships is about CONNECTION. The right person will connect with you, despite all this.

 

Stop it. You aren't defective. You are likely DEPRESSED, but is the depression situational (based on lack of dating & what is going on) or is it clinical (coming from the inside out.) The only way to know is to get thee to a therapist who can prescribe medication. And before you balk - going on meds doesn't have to be a permanent thing. You try them. If they don't make a big difference in the way you feel about life, you STOP taking them. But I have so many friends who have done a 180 and feel "normal" now because of anti-depressants.

 

Yeah I do need to get back on meds. I was on them for a while and just stopped taking them. But I think I need them. I think they can help stabilize my mood at least. Need therapy to help stabilize my thoughts. I can be my own worse enemy. I am my own worse enemy.

 

Yeah, stop watching that drivel! There is a lot of superficial stuff in life. There is also stuff that is very deep and real and meaningful. Don't change who you are - there are PLENTY of us ladies who have no desire at all for a Christian Grey type.

 

If you are going to use a show like that to judge yourself, then judge the people on the show too. Are those the kind of women you are interested in? Fake, plastic, shallow, material, petty, catty? If not, it doesn't really matter what those kind of people would think about YOU, does it?

 

There are PLENTY of real women just like you. NORMAL women want security and to be able to take the kids to Disneyland, but aren't obsessed with luxury and money.

 

Yeah it's something I need to stop. I guess in my twisted thoughts I watch this crap and think about how popular the shows are and see it as a look on society itself when it's simply not and I need to stop judging/comparing. Or at least redirect it back to the show like you said. Forget a tv producer's job is to sale entertainment more then anything not true reality. And you're right the people on these shows are people that shouldn't matter to me anyway because in real life I more then likely wouldn't even want to be friends with them. I use to not even watch this stuff then it became a guilty pleasure of sorts.

 

Again - STOP IT.

 

Why feed your mind a bunch of negativity? If you are terrified of relationships because someone might cheat, no wonder you won't try. You gotta start trying to get out of your comfort zone!

 

1 - Read and watch things that lift you up, validate you, and connect with you

2 - Start trying doing little things differently. Walk a different way to work. Eat something new for dinner. Talk to someone you normally wouldn't. Start stretching your cocoon in preparation to break out.

 

So if you want to end it, and you feel like you are fading away in a void, why the fear of risk? Just make yourself feel the fear and do it anyway, and who cares? Or maybe it is time for a BIG RISK, since you lost your job and are doing nothing much anyway. Buy a ticket to somewhere with hostels and do the "backpacking and finding myself" thing. Or even checking yourself into an inpatient treatment.

 

Once again you're right. I need to start trying to et out of my comfort zone. And honestly the idea of the whole backpacking thing sounds great. Would differently make me have to get out of my comfort zone in a lot of different ways. As well as doing some things that will fill me intellectually. In the meantime I think I'm going to go back to watching space documentaries and my silly cartoon shows lol. (I know family guy, bob's burgers, and american dad are silly but they make me laugh.) maybe through in a good kung-fu flick or two. (now that I list my tv interest I realize I might be more of a "guy" then I thought lol.)

 

One thing is for sure - you have a lot of issues that a GOOD therapist could help with. "Been treated" isn't the answer. You aren't fixed, so you need continuous treatment until you find the RIGHT therapist.

 

All people are ****ups.

 

What makes you MORE of one than say:

 

- A guy who dated a lot and got married, but now is stuck in an unhappy marriage?

- A guy who has lots of material success & beautiful women, but can't find meaningful love?

- A guy who is popular but has no true friends?

 

Point is - none of us have perfect lives, even if it looks like it from the outside. Everyone has pain. Everyone has fear. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone has questions about the purpose of their life and whether they are living well.

 

I hear you. I think you're right (along with others on here) and I do need to find another therapist and maybe stick with it this time. Get on some meds I compare myself to others too much and think everyone is better then me instead of looking at it from the perspective you just stated. Because everyone does have flaws and insecurities I suppose. Thanks you've giving me some stuff to think about. And I appreciate that.

[mightycpa]

Matchmakers don't hook people up for sex, they match people for relationships.

Exactly! Best match, personality-wise, if they're any good.

[mightycpa]

The only difference between you and the outgoing people that seem to easily meet people and partners is that they don't care what people think as much as you do. That's it. They are not better people than you, they have also experienced looking foolish, being embarrassed and being rejected. They just don't make a molehill into a mountain. They can laugh at themselves and accept that they won't be everyone's cup of tea. You are not a loser, you just care too much about being accepted and worry too much about what other people are thinking about you.

Wow... you're hitting on all cylinders tonight!

 

The horrible and freeing truth is that most people aren't giving you a second thought. If there's something about you they don't like, they move on, and you don't even rise to the level of a distant memory. It's freeing in that armed with that knowledge, you know you can get out there and mess up and in a week, nobody, not even the person you messed up with, will ever know.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

p { margin-bottom: 0.1in; line-height: 120%; } Hello, thanks for the response. I have some hobbies I'm into astronomy/cosmology (like really into it. Wouldn't mind going to school for it. Love me some outer space), Computer science, I'm into classic literature, I like studying different languages and cultures in particular Asian culture, I'm a geek. Star Trek, Star Wars, anime, video games I'm into it (anyone see that coming? ) I'm into all kinds of music my favs are electronically (trance, house etc... was even teaching myself to DJ at one point. Which is weird right? DJ's are HIGHLY social), and I'm a huge rock guy. Because of my race I listen to R&B and hip-hop but I don't relate most of it is about love or ego. Never been in love and my ego isn't worth anything lol.

 

 

Socially right now I don't do anything. I'm at that weird point where all my buddies have families. Some have moved and they're just busy being adults you know? Either way I don't get to hang out with them much. Occasional we all still get together. Mostly we talk when we're online playing a game or something. As far as meeting new people, I don't. Every time I find myself in new social situations I get scared as **** and just shutdown.

 

As far as drinking and drug use yeah I have to admit. Father time doesn't let me drink like I use too but I do drink heavily and am a pothead. Do ecstasy on occasions. With ecstasy Its like it cures my depression and for a few hours I'm feel like I'm normal socially at least all of my social fears go and I can talk normally. Not good, not good at all I know

 

The only thing I can possibly see that might make you a bad, and I mean terrible despicable person, is if you happen to like Star Trek more then Star Wars.

 

Nah man, you sound like someone I would hang out with. I think the difference between you and me is I wear my Hogwarts alumni shirt and when someone calls me a nerd or a dork I'm like "your goddamn right I am!" Who cares what anyone thinks? Own who and what you are. There is nothing wrong with you at all. People will respect you more for it. If you feel there is something wrong with you, others pick up on that stuff and their interactions with you will be different then they would if you just owned who and what you are. Here's a game of thrones quote that I absolutely LOVE ... Tyrion: "Let me give you some advice bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you."

 

This can be used and applied to those things you think make you different or strange or less than. Guess what, you are different and strange. We all are! That has never made anyone less than. That is the key to remember. Everyone has demons and everyone has oddities. That's called being human.

 

Now on the drug use, stay off the X. It messes with your serotonin levels. Basically you deplete all of it when you drop X and then you have none left. A load of people feel depressed on the come down and for days after when taking ecstasy. More frequent use is going to mess up how your body is delivering the chemicals. Just stay away from ecstasy. It's one of those things you do once or twice that's it IMO. Don't do it anymore. I'm not going to tell you not to do drugs at all and they are bad news, cause well, that would make me a filthy hypocrite. Just don't do THAT drug anymore. It's not worth the risk of long term health effects and especially your mental state. Honestly it's not even that good of a drug.

 

Also try and put down the bottle or get some help with this one. This is probably the worst thing you can do when already depressed is intake depressants. Be done with it. Work with someone if you need to. At least try and down the use to say once a week or twice a week. If you can't even do that, can't get through a day without booze, get some help. Get into a program or get with a support group.

[friendlyfriend]

You're in a really unhealthy state, but I'm not convinced you're not comfortable with it.

 

I once heard that 'there is nothing heavier to lift than a depressed person. And the reason is that if they don't help lift themselves up, they almost increase the weight to be lifted.'

 

I don't know what's behind your 36-year-old dilemma, but you don't seem to be helping yourself. it's more like you're just keeping count of all the crap you think life has heaped upon you.We all have to work with the hand we're dealt with, but we all make the 'soup we want to eat'. Like Terms of Endearment. If you don't like where you're at...spit it out and start over...Freedom!

 

Life is not random...there is cause and effect relationships between what you do and what happens to you. It's not perfect, but pretty dependable over the long haul. What are you doing; what are you not doing?

 

If you really want to help yourself, you're going to have to take charge of getting what you need and doing what you need to do. If you feel like a 'defective human being,' having been made this way 'by the factory,' you don't feel like you are in charge. The good news is that you are in charge! The bad news is that you are in charge! What happens will be caused by what you make happen. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!

 

You obviously have intellect, will, and emotions. Your emotions will follow your intellect and your will. Right now, it looks as if you allow your emotions to lead your life, rather than being rational and purposeful toward your goals. You become a 'meandering generality' rather than a 'meaningful specific.'

 

Other people give you positive feedback ('female friend says I'm attractive,' 'they all say I have cool interests'), but you just consider you a loser. Seems to be a real disconnect there. Listen to the positive feedback. Take it in. Believe it. Act on it.

 

If you're serious about recovery, you probably need to get into counseling, and some anti-depressant meds. Maybe get the book 'Feeling Good' by Dr. David D. Burns, M.D. Begin to build a life you want and be willing to make the efforts and changes necessary. It's called investment in yourself!

 

There are support groups through local social organizations, health organizations, civic clubs, churches, etc. Find one, join in make friends, and use them as an accountability group for your effort to progress.

Good Luck!

[gaius]

Vanderpump is supposed to make you laugh. It does when Timshel and I watch it.

 

You know you're actually made up of two separate forces. And with you it sounds like your body just is not interested in being sexual with a woman whatsoever. You're never going to win a fight with your body so it's up to you to get in touch and figure out what it does want. Before you die of old age or by your own hand. Which might be something like another man if you're busy all day watching Bravo shows without the influence of a girlfriend. That's my excuse anyway.

[someloser]

The only thing I can possibly see that might make you a bad, and I mean terrible despicable person, is if you happen to like Star Trek more then Star Wars.

 

Nah man, you sound like someone I would hang out with. I think the difference between you and me is I wear my Hogwarts alumni shirt and when someone calls me a nerd or a dork I'm like "your goddamn right I am!" Who cares what anyone thinks? Own who and what you are. There is nothing wrong with you at all. People will respect you more for it. If you feel there is something wrong with you, others pick up on that stuff and their interactions with you will be different then they would if you just owned who and what you are. Here's a game of thrones quote that I absolutely LOVE ... Tyrion: "Let me give you some advice bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you."

 

That's awesome. Though I will say while I try to like both equally, I do find my self watch Star Trek The Next Generation a lot lol. But I really do like both series though. I'm starting to embrace the geek role more though. At least I've been trying to.

 

This can be used and applied to those things you think make you different or strange or less than. Guess what, you are different and strange. We all are! That has never made anyone less than. That is the key to remember. Everyone has demons and everyone has oddities. That's called being human.

 

That's true. After working in mental health for so long you think I would realize this and see I'm no different. But I guess with this mental illness It's easy for things to get distorted. I always have told people depression is like a delusional disorder in a lot of ways.

 

Now on the drug use, stay off the X. It messes with your serotonin levels. Basically you deplete all of it when you drop X and then you have none left. A load of people feel depressed on the come down and for days after when taking ecstasy. More frequent use is going to mess up how your body is delivering the chemicals. Just stay away from ecstasy. It's one of those things you do once or twice that's it IMO. Don't do it anymore. I'm not going to tell you not to do drugs at all and they are bad news, cause well, that would make me a filthy hypocrite. Just don't do THAT drug anymore. It's not worth the risk of long term health effects and especially your mental state. Honestly it's not even that good of a drug.

 

Also try and put down the bottle or get some help with this one. This is probably the worst thing you can do when already depressed is intake depressants. Be done with it. Work with someone if you need to. At least try and down the use to say once a week or twice a week. If you can't even do that, can't get through a day without booze, get some help. Get into a program or get with a support group.

 

I hear you. I really do. What you said about ecstasy makes sense. While I love the high my come down is hard probably for the reasons you mention with my serotonin levels being depleted. Not to mention it burns holes in your brain due to the seotonin being raised so high. And it's like a friend of mines said drinking to make yourself feel matter is like stabbing yourself to make a gunshot feel better. I use to drink frequently everyday but I've been slowing down. Or I should say my body has. I'm starting to get sick when I drink anymore which making me use weed more. Either way I do think I need to find some sort of support group.

[someloser]

You're in a really unhealthy state, but I'm not convinced you're not comfortable with it.

 

I once heard that 'there is nothing heavier to lift than a depressed person. And the reason is that if they don't help lift themselves up, they almost increase the weight to be lifted.'

 

I don't know what's behind your 36-year-old dilemma, but you don't seem to be helping yourself. it's more like you're just keeping count of all the crap you think life has heaped upon you.We all have to work with the hand we're dealt with, but we all make the 'soup we want to eat'. Like Terms of Endearment. If you don't like where you're at...spit it out and start over...Freedom!

 

Life is not random...there is cause and effect relationships between what you do and what happens to you. It's not perfect, but pretty dependable over the long haul. What are you doing; what are you not doing?

 

If you really want to help yourself, you're going to have to take charge of getting what you need and doing what you need to do. If you feel like a 'defective human being,' having been made this way 'by the factory,' you don't feel like you are in charge. The good news is that you are in charge! The bad news is that you are in charge! What happens will be caused by what you make happen. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!

 

You obviously have intellect, will, and emotions. Your emotions will follow your intellect and your will. Right now, it looks as if you allow your emotions to lead your life, rather than being rational and purposeful toward your goals. You become a 'meandering generality' rather than a 'meaningful specific.'

 

Other people give you positive feedback ('female friend says I'm attractive,' 'they all say I have cool interests'), but you just consider you a loser. Seems to be a real disconnect there. Listen to the positive feedback. Take it in. Believe it. Act on it.

 

If you're serious about recovery, you probably need to get into counseling, and some anti-depressant meds. Maybe get the book 'Feeling Good' by Dr. David D. Burns, M.D. Begin to build a life you want and be willing to make the efforts and changes necessary. It's called investment in yourself!

 

There are support groups through local social organizations, health organizations, civic clubs, churches, etc. Find one, join in make friends, and use them as an accountability group for your effort to progress.

Good Luck!

 

Thank you for your response. A lot of what you said makes sense and I've asked myself if I'm comfortable in my situation everyday. I think the answer is I'm not at all. I'm ashamed of it just too scared to do anything about it too scared to live life. But I am trying to get help. I think I need too or else... I'll try to check out the books you mention. Maybe I can download them. And I'm always down for reading!

[someloser]

Vanderpump is supposed to make you laugh. It does when Timshel and I watch it.

 

You know you're actually made up of two separate forces. And with you it sounds like your body just is not interested in being sexual with a woman whatsoever. You're never going to win a fight with your body so it's up to you to get in touch and figure out what it does want. Before you die of old age or by your own hand. Which might be something like another man if you're busy all day watching Bravo shows without the influence of a girlfriend. That's my excuse anyway.

 

I can understand why you would think that after reading my responses. I must admit I don't seem to have the typical male mindset when it comes to sex. I just think a lot and I'm not turned on my meaningless and disingenuious actions. For me when I was with the hooker a few things came into play. First I hope I don't come off as being misgonysitc here just trying to be honest... but first off we're not talking about high class here. Just some stripper at a party first time second time some crack head. (I don't live in the best of areas in the city.) so wasn't really too attracted. Though stripper was alright I suppose. Still not really my type though. Second when it comes to sex the main thing I think that turns me own is knowing the women I'm with wants to be with me and wants me for me. That's obviously not the case here I was just a dollar sign to them and worse yet when it was over I was faced with the reality that I'm still alone, I'm still watching lifes passing parade while my friends get to participate in it with meaningful roles (boyfriend,husband,father, real adult) while I'm goofing around with hookers. I can be turned on sexually by a woman for example the one time, closet time I've come to having sex without paying for it came one day when I went on a date with a co-worker. She came on to me first and we started hanging out a lot. Older woman, mature, real nice and caring individual. One day when hanging out she turns on some Toni Braxton and just does this really cool strip tease, that lead to her giving me a sensual message and kissing my chest. We didn't have sex because I didn't have a condom (this was the last thing I was expecting to happen that night lol.) but that's the most I've been turned on. All that was stuff that was genuine and the fact she wanted to do that for me was a turn on. I guess it satisfied my ego in a different way then most men get theirs satisfied perhaps. I don't know. I think I just think too much.

[someloser]

Thank you everyone for your response. I'm feeling better today though who knows how long it will last. I took my original post and e-mailed it to a popular site called Dr Psych Mom. Dr. Samantha Rodman. She is a on line psychologist/life coach who post in a lot of blogs. I like here because she often tackles men's issues. More so then a lot of other people out there. She wrote back today and gave me a new perspective I didn't think about much but she said social anxiety a lot. And honestly yeah that makes sense too me. She also offered some resources to help me find a thearpist in this area for cognitive behavioral therapy and suggest I should be on some SSDI's ( i think I have that right I hope I have that right.) like prozac or zoloft. (I was on zoloft for a while.) and said that if I can a therapist she can offer to be a life coach on the phone. Was assuring stated that a lot of men go through this even if there doesn't seem to be much on it and that my anxiety/phobia was treatable with small steps such as saying hi on line to a woman on a dating site or learning to smile a women etc.... gave me some hope and a little more to think about.

[someloser]

I can understand why you would think that after reading my responses. I must admit I don't seem to have the typical male mindset when it comes to sex. I just think a lot and I'm not turned on my meaningless and disingenuious actions. For me when I was with the hooker a few things came into play. First I hope I don't come off as being misgonysitc here just trying to be honest... but first off we're not talking about high class here. Just some stripper at a party first time second time some crack head. (I don't live in the best of areas in the city.) so wasn't really too attracted. Though stripper was alright I suppose. Still not really my type though. Second when it comes to sex the main thing I think that turns me own is knowing the women I'm with wants to be with me and wants me for me. That's obviously not the case here I was just a dollar sign to them and worse yet when it was over I was faced with the reality that I'm still alone, I'm still watching lifes passing parade while my friends get to participate in it with meaningful roles (boyfriend,husband,father, real adult) while I'm goofing around with hookers. I can be turned on sexually by a woman for example the one time, closet time I've come to having sex without paying for it came one day when I went on a date with a co-worker. She came on to me first and we started hanging out a lot. Older woman, mature, real nice and caring individual. One day when hanging out she turns on some Toni Braxton and just does this really cool strip tease, that lead to her giving me a sensual message and kissing my chest. We didn't have sex because I didn't have a condom (this was the last thing I was expecting to happen that night lol.) but that's the most I've been turned on. All that was stuff that was genuine and the fact she wanted to do that for me was a turn on. I guess it satisfied my ego in a different way then most men get theirs satisfied perhaps. I don't know. I think I just think too much.

 

Forgot to add that the third reason I didn't like it was that from the get go it was just a humiliating experience for me. All of my friends have real relationships or experience (they had sex without having to pay for it with people that really liked them they had real roles in life boyfriend/husband/father/real adult) and here I am a looser virgin at 26 that had to resort to loosing his virginity to a hooker because he was too scared to say hi to a girl. When it was all said in done I just felt more pathetic.

[someloser]

Wow... you're hitting on all cylinders tonight!

 

The horrible and freeing truth is that most people aren't giving you a second thought. If there's something about you they don't like, they move on, and you don't even rise to the level of a distant memory. It's freeing in that armed with that knowledge, you know you can get out there and mess up and in a week, nobody, not even the person you messed up with, will ever know.

 

I need to learn to develop more of this kind of mentality. I find myself caring a lot about what others think.