Impossible to find 'the one' in a mega city?

[blueberrymuffin]

So recently I've been thinking, is it near impossible to find somebody nice to have a long term relationship with in a giant sized city? Let's say New York. My theory is there are just so many people out there men just aren't interested in committing to an average woman. Some better women will be along next, right? My mom is from a small city and all of my cousins are married. My dad is from where I live, which is huge, and only two of my cousins are married. There has to be link right? I really want to meet a nice guy and settle down and I'm kinda wondering if I'm just searching in the wrong place. People come here to work and then leave when they want the yard and the picket fence. It is just so impersonal. No body talks in line, or even smiles at each other. You go online meet someone once and that's it never hear from them again. I am convinced it's the attitude of 'she was nice but there's something juicier round the corner'. Where my mom is from is so different, people talk to you. And my theory is because it's small people meet some body nice and give it a chance because there aren't a billion people just living on the next block so you don't automatically think someone better could be your next tinder date. Would moving somewhere smaller make the chances of finding love better?

[angel.eyes]

What are you doing to connect with people right now? In real life?

 

Whatever is holding you back now, is going to hold you back in a small town too. In fact, it's usually more difficult to find someone appropriate in small towns since the pool of options is much smaller.

[preraph]

You may be right. But what I've found is that a guy will shop and shop for the hot one but then at a certain age (for some of my circle, it was around 30), the guy starts being ready to marry and then he may pick the next person who comes along, which is NUTS, by the way, but I've seen it too many times to discount the possibility. The idiot guys I knew played and played and then when they decided they were going to get too long in the tooth to attract a young woman, they found someone who knew how to cook. And that was about the only good thing you could say about their choices. Neither stayed with them.

[fireflywy]

Or it could be that people in smaller places settle for the best that they can get. It's all perspective.

[normal person]

While there is some truth to the "something better always right around the corner" theory, not everyone has that mentality, your odds of finding "the one" are better where there are more people. If you're in a small town with only a handful of single people, those are your only options, like this great post pointed out:

 

Or it could be that people in smaller places settle for the best that they can get. It's all perspective.

 

Not to mention, if you're good enough for the guy, he'll want to stick with you. If the person really subscribes to the notion of "something better right around the corner," then under circumstances where there wasn't, the guy would stick with you due to lack of other options, and you would be settled for, which is not what either of you wants and I suspect is a large reason the divorce rate is so high.

 

My theory is there are just so many people out there men just aren't interested in committing to an average woman.

 

Well, the whole culture and competitive nature of megacities like NY is not advantageous for people who are content to be "average." Things are incredibly expensive, everyone is desperately trying to get ahead and get what's best for themselves. That's why you see people work 12 hour days and then put in another hour at the gym. That's why people work nights and weekends. It's not really a welcoming atmosphere for "average" people who couldn't care less about those things. Most people in Alpha, Beta, or Gamma world cities need at least some drive to fight and survive just to live there. You can put your money on those people fighting and competing for the best partners too. The way around it is (seemingly) to do what everyone else does: work harder, faster, smarter, etc than everyone else to ascend above "average."

[Jj66]

The problem is that the whole concept of the one is flawed. It's easier to maintain this fantasy when you have a million choices. You are always looking for something better, i.e., "the one" and casting off those who might be good for you. If you have finite choices, you are more likely to choose the best of your available choices. If you have infinite choices there will always be someone better than what you have now...

[Sweetfish]

Or it could be that people in smaller places settle for the best that they can get. It's all perspective.

Nailed it!

[SwordofFlame]

Well, the whole culture and competitive nature of megacities like NY is not advantageous for people who are content to be "average." Things are incredibly expensive, everyone is desperately trying to get ahead and get what's best for themselves. That's why you see people work 12 hour days and then put in another hour at the gym. That's why people work nights and weekends. It's not really a welcoming atmosphere for "average" people who couldn't care less about those things. Most people in Alpha, Beta, or Gamma world cities need at least some drive to fight and survive just to live there. You can put your money on those people fighting and competing for the best partners too. The way around it is (seemingly) to do what everyone else does: work harder, faster, smarter, etc than everyone else to ascend above "average."

 

As a fellow New Yorker, I certainly agree with this. It's pretty much the reason many New Yorkers get married and have kids extremely late in life when compared to Middle America.

[Gaeta]

My theory is there are just so many people out there men just aren't interested in committing to an average woman. Some better women will be along next, right?

 

Your theory is flawed, it implies that all men of NY are above average and can have their pick among women available to them. Reality is only 10% of population look Hollywood amazing and the rest of the population is average or below average.

 

Unless there are 10 women for each men in NY I doubt an average guy can catch himself an above average GF. Maybe you shop for a man in a boutique you cannot afford. Look for a nice average man is my advice.

[SwordofFlame]

Your theory is flawed, it implies that all men of NY are above average and can have their pick among women available to them. Reality is only 10% of population look Hollywood amazing and the rest of the population is average or below average.

 

Unless there are 10 women for each men in NY I doubt an average guy can catch himself an above average GF. Maybe you shop for a man in a boutique you cannot afford. Look for a nice average man is my advice.

 

I wouldn't say there are 10 women for each man, but the ratio in NYC does significantly favor men IF you're a professional looking to date a professional.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Not to mention, if you're good enough for the guy, he'll want to stick with you. If the person really subscribes to the notion of "something better right around the corner," then under circumstances where there wasn't, the guy would stick with you due to lack of other options, and you would be settled for, which is not what either of you wants and I suspect is a large reason the divorce rate is so high.

 

Is it really "settling" if you're the product of the environment (small town)? I read an article that said people who grew up in towns are likely to have more successful marriages because they are more than likely to WORK on their marriages when there are no other options.

 

Of course, there are articles that are divided on this, but what I found interesting is how big cities people are less likely to marry than in smaller cities.

 

But this web sites more about liberal cities vs. conservative cities. Like if you grew up in a town in Idaho and move to Chicago.

 

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2015/05/15/upshot/the-places-that-discourage-marriage-most.html?_r=0

 

Notice on this site, if you mouse over the map, it shows percentage points of LESS likely to marry to MORE likely to marry

 

It's a county-by-county map and what's real funny is that in my county... I'm in a county that, if you grew up here, you're more likely to get married by the age of 26, but the bordering county where there's a large city, there's a -4 chance of being married.

 

This county (with the big city) sticks out like a sore thumb on the map, with surrounding counties with more rural cities highlighted with "If you grew up here, you'll MORE likely to get married than LESS likely...in the next door county WITH the big city in it.

 

 

Personally, I think the problem is with peoples' fickleness and the "Grass is only greener" syndrome that allows them to think something is BETTER around the corner and in all actually, I think that's a cop out that people use to justify exploring their options indefinitely.

 

These kind of people can't make up their minds anyhow, so...they are probably not even relationship worthy, much less marriage worthy.

[Dark Horse]

People in small towns usually get married quicker and are less likely to be college-educated. Both of my parents and grandparents grew up in small towns and the majority of my cousins were married before they even reached 25. In fact, the oldest was 27 when he was married and that's considered old where he's from. But he was smart to wait, no need to rush to get married.

 

Imagine your in a clothes store which is the only clothes store in town and you only have a choice of 5-6 different dresses. You're less picky because you don't have a ton of options to choose from, you take whatever you can get. Now imagine having 1000 different dresses to choose from, now all of a sudden you're more picky and choosy.

[LookAtThisPOst]

People in small towns usually get married quicker and are less likely to be college-educated. Both of my parents and grandparents grew up in small towns and the majority of my cousins were married before they even reached 25. In fact, the oldest was 27 when he was married and that's considered old where he's from. But he was smart to wait, no need to rush to get married.

 

Imagine your in a clothes store which is the only clothes store in town and you only have a choice of 5-6 different dresses. You're less picky because you don't have a ton of options to choose from, you take whatever you can get. Now imagine having 1000 different dresses to choose from, now all of a sudden you're more picky and choosy.

 

If you think about it, when it comes to dating selections, people are more spoiled in bigger cities than in the smaller ones.

 

Now imagine having 1000 different dresses to choose from, now all of a sudden you're more picky and choosy.

 

True, but it says a lot about a person that goes against the grain and they are yet, still, not picky regardless of numerous amounts. I would hold that person in high regard.

[Enigmatic Zero]

Yeah, I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, but just being honestly blunt for the sake of giving genuine advice. Woman who date the "real" jerks are either really young and grow out of it as they get older (like someone else mentioned) or that they aren't exactly the type of female you want in your life, either, if that's her type.

 

However, you shouldn't be so judgmental about "jerk guys" in general. What may appear to be a jerk is just a guy being proud of his confident nature and the way he keeps himself up attracts certain women who look for that "swag" in his steps. Considering you admitted to being holed up, I don't think it's fair to judge someone when you haven't at least tried to go out and get to know women you like. You'll find that there are so many accepting girls out there of "good guys" when you're allowed to take it slow with them and know each other. The stereotype of "women only date bad boys" is a rather dying one, and they give genuine guys equal chances these days, because these are the mature ladies who know they deserve a good man, and know themselves that a good man deserves a fine, compassionate lady. I learned this the hard way during recent times, for while I'm an introvert, I now know the importance of at least getting out your cave and attempt to involve yourself with others and their lives when you discover any similarities you share with them.

 

I have a cousin who's probably one of the nicest guys I know (nicer than me, that's for sure), and he's younger than me. Yet, this guy's getting married to the love of his life soon with a newborn kid. They've been together since high school. Nice guys certainly don't finish last like people say they do.

 

I'm trying to be more outgoing myself, and while I'm not particularly looking for romance (I just want more friends for now), I can tell you from personal, unhealthy experience that being holed up in a room will get you nowhere, whether you're an outgoing person or not.

Edited January 13, 2017 by Enigmatic Zero

[WitlessFool]

If you think about it, when it comes to dating selections, people are more spoiled in bigger cities than in the smaller ones.

 

I have to agree. I made a post a few days ago saying I was moving to a smaller city in the US. I've lived in a large city in Europe my whole life and worried about the dating scene in my soon to be home.

 

It seems the pool is smaller but I'm hoping for positive experiences. I'm ready to settle down.

 

OP, I've had some great long term relationships but yes I've also found a lot of looking for the next best thing in larger cities.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Another thing about smaller towns, is that people in marriages or relationships there know that if they do divorce/break-up, that they won't find anyone else or it'll be really hard.

 

In cities where options are plentiful, it's easy to wuss out of marriage or relationship.