Girlfriend lost attraction to me because I was insecure. How do I overcome that?

[StevenP]

Hi everyone,

 

25 male. So I've posted a bunch about the breakup, but this post is more about what lead to it. Unfortunately, I was so insecure in my relationship that I acted clingy, jealous, and possessive, which led to my girlfriend of almost a year leaving me. Although not a long relationship, I turned a girl that was falling for me into a stranger, and I'm frankly repulsed by my behavior. I want to know if anyone has experienced this in the past, and what they did to overcome it? I'm currently seeking help from a cbt therapist, and reading a book on dealing with self-esteem. I'm really mad at myself for how I acted, and I feel awful that I turned someone I loved off.

 

Guys and girls, what ways can I improve myself to rewire my brain, and make me more confident? I used to be in awesome shape a couple years ago, but since then let myself go. I used to get good grades, but recently have been slacking off. So my plan is to work harder at the things I neglect in life, and hope that makes me more confident and less likely to become so emotionally dependent on another person. All advice is appreciated, thank you!

[Mumbles]

Win at things.

 

Success breeds success as they say.

 

Try engaging in things that will challenge you, but that you have a prospect of succeeding at. It could be anything and it mostly depends on your personality.

 

I know this clinginess thing as I suffered it to a large extent as a young man - you're right on the money insofar as its effect on women. by and large, its not what they want in a partner. They, using horrible large generalisations here, want a strong and directed man who is going somewhere ... the 'somewhere' doesn't really matter, honestly, but you need to be going _somewhere_.

 

Get fit and strong, your physicality will translate into the mental realm as well. Involve yourself in things like boot camps, man against nature type things (this probably works for women too, but its surprising how well it works for men, as a generalised group). Go abseiling, skydiving, take up surfing ... whatever - get out of your head and into your body.

 

Always remember that men are built of testosterone. I'm not talking silly alpha male type things here, but promote, within yourself, your maleness, and win at things - women will be magnetically drawn to this as what they, in general, don't want is another women who just so happens to live inside a male shaped body.

[Satu]

As stated by Mumbles.

 

 

Confidence is born in the doing of things.

 

 

Take care.

[BrokenBranches]

2 months out of a similar situation. She never directly said anything about me being insecure or whatever. But i was. It's funny, she was not too long ago as well, crying to me that she's scared i'll leave her.

 

Personally, i don't think i did anything too bad to feel bad about. At most i would talk to her once in a while that i was upset. But i was upset because she'd ignore texts (like all day. i don't mean for 5 hours or some ****), flake on dates, stop having sex with me, or asking about my life. All things that shouldn't happen in a healthy relationship and would drive any person mad.

 

My biggest regret is knowing i let it happen for so long and putting to much faith in her words rather than her actions. Now moving forward, i believe i'll be better at recognizing when to end a relationship and recognizing what my limit is for someone to treat me so poorly. So try and learn and recognize these things for future relationships.

 

Lastly, i know i wouldn't have been so upset by her actions if i had a full time job and other reliable friends. I had too much down time and i looked forward to hanging out with her too much. I recognized this even when i was with her, but i never got anything done about it. So i do feel really bad about that. I think things could've turned out much better.

[StevenP]

I know exactly what you mean. The amount of times I tried to break up with this girl but couldn't was unbelievable. Too emotionally dependent to call it quits when I saw the signs that things weren't going well. I can relate to you in the sense that my girlfriend would also do things to make me feel undesired. It wasn't intentional, but her actions didn't reflect those of someone in love, and I loved her, so it created an insecurity in me from the beginning. She would never seem excited to make plans with me, hardly invited me out with her friends, and didn't really seem all that head-over-heels for me, even though we spent every day together. My friends all tell me that I've always been very confident, which I admit I have, but that this girl made me lose it. I don't know if it was her per se, but I think the timing wasn't right for a relationship. I think I need to become whole in mind and body again before getting into a serious relationship.

[BrokenBranches]

I don't know how this forum work, and if that's a response to me or to OP.

 

I spend between 1-3 days a week with my gf. Started to be a majority of that time was for a couple hours before bed and then sleep/sex. One of those times would usually be in a group setting. Rarely saw her on a friday or saturday night too. Of course the first months we saw each other 4 or 5 times, sex every time, etc and if we didn't see each other for 2 or 3 days we'd really miss each other. It got to a point where i felt like i was always missing her, because it could be 4 or 5 days and we barely talked in between those times. She was off and on between being really excited to see me and not. That just ****ed with my head more.

 

Our last week, for like 3 days she ignored me all day. I was really upset. Then one day she asked to hang out, said she missed me. But by that time we only had like 30 minutes to hang out because she had something to do after, but it was SOOO important that i come over even for 30 min. Like a ****ing idiot (a huge regret), i went over even though i was pretty annoyed with her, because i really missed her. I got there and she was all over me, yet didn't ask me anything about how i've been. Then she had the nerve to say how great it his hanging out when she's not ready for bed. Like she ****ing forgot that we were friends that enjoyed doing stuff together.

 

Ok i'm venting now lol.

 

Lastly, i too have never felt this way in a relationship. Partially i think because she's the strongest i've felt about any girl, i was attracted to her the most, and wanted to be around her the most. I've never felt so insecure. She made me feel SO CRAZY And Confused! I was constantly doubting if i was being ridiculous or not, expecting too much of her or not. I still have my doubts. In a previous relationship, it was my GF that complained to ME that i didn't put in effort or make her feel wanted. She threatened to leave me if i didn't get my **** together and that scared me to bits. I definitely implied that with my ex-gf, but i wasn't firm enough in giving her an ultimatum and she walked all over me. ah regrets.

[StevenP]

I don't know how this forum work, and if that's a response to me or to OP.

 

I spend between 1-3 days a week with my gf. Started to be a majority of that time was for a couple hours before bed and then sleep/sex. One of those times would usually be in a group setting. Rarely saw her on a friday or saturday night too. Of course the first months we saw each other 4 or 5 times, sex every time, etc and if we didn't see each other for 2 or 3 days we'd really miss each other. It got to a point where i felt like i was always missing her, because it could be 4 or 5 days and we barely talked in between those times. She was off and on between being really excited to see me and not. That just ****ed with my head more.

 

Our last week, for like 3 days she ignored me all day. I was really upset. Then one day she asked to hang out, said she missed me. But by that time we only had like 30 minutes to hang out because she had something to do after, but it was SOOO important that i come over even for 30 min. Like a ****ing idiot (a huge regret), i went over even though i was pretty annoyed with her, because i really missed her. I got there and she was all over me, yet didn't ask me anything about how i've been. Then she had the nerve to say how great it his hanging out when she's not ready for bed. Like she ****ing forgot that we were friends that enjoyed doing stuff together.

 

Ok i'm venting now lol.

 

Lastly, i too have never felt this way in a relationship. Partially i think because she's the strongest i've felt about any girl, i was attracted to her the most, and wanted to be around her the most. I've never felt so insecure. She made me feel SO CRAZY And Confused! I was constantly doubting if i was being ridiculous or not, expecting too much of her or not. I still have my doubts. In a previous relationship, it was my GF that complained to ME that i didn't put in effort or make her feel wanted. She threatened to leave me if i didn't get my **** together and that scared me to bits. I definitely implied that with my ex-gf, but i wasn't firm enough in giving her an ultimatum and she walked all over me. ah regrets.

 

Hey sorry, I didn't know how to reply directly, I'm OP. I know exactly what you mean, and like others have said in some of my other threads, sometimes the girl is the main source of the problem and not you. Sometimes two people aren't aligned in what they want exactly, and it creates a disparity that leaves one person horribly insecure and the other thinking everything is fine (cause they are getting what they want, but the other isn't). This is exactly what happened with me and you. I would give up everything for this girl (my problem), but because she didn't know how to love properly, it made me insecure. I didn't have the same issue as yours though. Her and I spent every day together, but I loved her and she didn't love me because we were fighting a lot and it didn't make her feel safe. Problem was, the whole act of her not showing her love made me insecure, which led us to fighting all the time! It was a vicious circle I'm glad I'm out of, but still miss her as a person. These girls don't make you feel valuable, and in turn makes you want to cling more, afraid that they will leave you whenever the opportunity arises (which it did, and probably because she found someone else). The best thing to do now is to work on yourself and become better, and hope to find someone that actually invests in you and doesn't use you just for the thrill/ride/experience of a relationship. My ex gave me hope but also told me to move on, and that one day she would consider giving me a chance. The worst part about all that is that I know time heals wounds, and that we'll likely not be interested in each other then. Anyways, thanks for your advice everyone, keep them coming, I'd love to hear about more ways you have overcome insecurity/lack of confidence

[StevenP]

2 months out of a similar situation. She never directly said anything about me being insecure or whatever. But i was. It's funny, she was not too long ago as well, crying to me that she's scared i'll leave her.

 

Personally, i don't think i did anything too bad to feel bad about. At most i would talk to her once in a while that i was upset. But i was upset because she'd ignore texts (like all day. i don't mean for 5 hours or some ****), flake on dates, stop having sex with me, or asking about my life. All things that shouldn't happen in a healthy relationship and would drive any person mad.

 

My biggest regret is knowing i let it happen for so long and putting to much faith in her words rather than her actions. Now moving forward, i believe i'll be better at recognizing when to end a relationship and recognizing what my limit is for someone to treat me so poorly. So try and learn and recognize these things for future relationships.

 

Lastly, i know i wouldn't have been so upset by her actions if i had a full time job and other reliable friends. I had too much down time and i looked forward to hanging out with her too much. I recognized this even when i was with her, but i never got anything done about it. So i do feel really bad about that. I think things could've turned out much better.

 

Same here. A lot of our initial fights led to her coming back crying, afraid that I'd leave her as well. That's how it works though, and that's how taking relationships for granted starts. No motivation to change because you feel the other person will be by your side till you do. No, many times men and women have a last straw in these situations but you don't see it coming. That's what happened to me, by comparison one of our smallest fights led to our breakup, but it was probably because she premeditated it. "One more fight, I swear, I can't take it anymore, it'll be over"... and so it goes

[mightycpa]

Hi everyone,

 

25 male. So I've posted a bunch about the breakup, but this post is more about what lead to it. Unfortunately, I was so insecure in my relationship that I acted clingy, jealous, and possessive, which led to my girlfriend of almost a year leaving me. Although not a long relationship, I turned a girl that was falling for me into a stranger, and I'm frankly repulsed by my behavior. I want to know if anyone has experienced this in the past, and what they did to overcome it? I'm currently seeking help from a cbt therapist, and reading a book on dealing with self-esteem. I'm really mad at myself for how I acted, and I feel awful that I turned someone I loved off.

 

Guys and girls, what ways can I improve myself to rewire my brain, and make me more confident? I used to be in awesome shape a couple years ago, but since then let myself go. I used to get good grades, but recently have been slacking off. So my plan is to work harder at the things I neglect in life, and hope that makes me more confident and less likely to become so emotionally dependent on another person. All advice is appreciated, thank you!

You were probably clued in to how she was responding to you, and it was clear that she didn't like you nearly as much as you liked her. So you reacted poorly. I'd be willing to bet you had never been in that situation before. You were like the bug in a spider web, stuck and terrified, dreading the moment the spider would decide to come over and kill you. You knew it was coming, you just didn't know when. So you did whatever you could to stop it.

 

I don't think you need all the hocus-pocus therapy nonsense. What you needed was the experience. Well, now you have it.

 

It's a safe bet that next time you find yourself in love with someone who is not reciprocating, that you'll hang on to your self-respect and walk away.

 

We make mistakes when we're young. That's how we learn and how we gain control of ourselves. Don't sweat it unless it becomes a habit with you. Then it might be worth the trouble to figure out where all this comes from. But once does not a pattern make.

[StevenP]

You were probably clued in to how she was responding to you, and it was clear that she didn't like you nearly as much as you liked her. So you reacted poorly. I'd be willing to bet you had never been in that situation before. You were like the bug in a spider web, stuck and terrified, dreading the moment the spider would decide to come over and kill you. You knew it was coming, you just didn't know when. So you did whatever you could to stop it.

 

I don't think you need all the hocus-pocus therapy nonsense. What you needed was the experience. Well, now you have it.

 

It's a safe bet that next time you find yourself in love with someone who is not reciprocating, that you'll hang on to your self-respect and walk away.

 

We make mistakes when we're young. That's how we learn and how we gain control of ourselves. Don't sweat it unless it becomes a habit with you. Then it might be worth the trouble to figure out where all this comes from. But once does not a pattern make.

 

I think she didn't like me the same way, but I also think she didn't properly know how to. She had been used to men who treated her poorly or never committed to her, and I think it made her put up a wall. I tried to break that wall but it wasn't working. At one point in the relationship it just looked like all she wanted to do was have sex, and believe it or not that in itself made me insecure. I was like, why does this girl only care about sexual things? I was looking for more romance but it didn't seem like she was that romantic. Anyways, I'm going to go to therapy just so that in the future I have a spine and walk away. This issue has also crept up in past relationships. I don't want to be jealous of past partners, I don't want to ask my girlfriend questions that are none of my business, I don't want to be needy or need validation anymore. I don't want to believe women are scarce to me and that every one I date is "the one". I want to gain confidence in myself and make myself happy, so that if a girl leaves, it's not the end of the world. The last 3 weeks have been pretty unbearable for me, but now I'm seeing the light. I'm happy that I don't have to worry about how much someone else likes me. You're right in the spider web analogy, and that this was my first time in this situation. I should've seen the signs early but she kept telling me that she was falling for me, and her actions showed she really liked me. I can't help but think if she really liked ME, or the idea of a boyfriend who finally wanted her... I think her insecurity in relationships made this whole thing really confusing and I'm still trying to put together the pieces. She broke up with me by just saying it wasn't working. It wasn't, but I was really working hard on making it work. I went to see a therapist for her (she told me to), and did many other things to try and make her happy/stay. It looks like she was pretty controlling though, so good riddance I guess even if it's hard to see.

[Jj66]

Learn to be a man and don't worry so much about your relationships. Concentrate on your career, cultivate some active hobbies, be there for your family and your buddies. Be the best man you can be.

 

You might find that after you learn to be a man that all the silly relationship drama evaporates. Your relationships will end on good terms. They will end when you figure out you are not right for each other, or someone has to relocate, not because of a silly fight or because someone cheated. You won't find yourself getting into relationships with crazies because you will have a low tolerance for drama. You are aware that you don't need to be in a relationship to have self worth and you will also know that it really is easy to find someone else if that's what you want.

 

I only regret it took me until my 40s to become a man. I married a domineering woman and that stunted my growth. My father was passive and not the best role model for how to be a strong man, but he did instill integrity, hard work, and dedication to his family so I didn't have start from square one.

[Miss Peach]

For self-esteem I really like Natalie Lue's blog Baggage Reclaim. I found that really helpful.

 

I can understand where you're coming from. I dumped my ex for being insecure. I didn't have so much of an issue with the insecurity as I did picking fights, withdrawing, and acting passive aggressive rather than talking to me. In the end I didn't want to be with him because I couldn't picture a future with him acting like that.

 

My current BF is pushing my buttons right now and I'm sure if I dump him he will claim he didn't see it coming too.

[StevenP]

For self-esteem I really like Natalie Lue's blog Baggage Reclaim. I found that really helpful.

 

I can understand where you're coming from. I dumped my ex for being insecure. I didn't have so much of an issue with the insecurity as I did picking fights, withdrawing, and acting passive aggressive rather than talking to me. In the end I didn't want to be with him because I couldn't picture a future with him acting like that.

 

My current BF is pushing my buttons right now and I'm sure if I dump him he will claim he didn't see it coming too.

 

Thanks for the reply from the other side, even though it hurts to hear. I'm trying to become a better person, and taking this as a learning experience. I guess my ex didn't see a future with me acting the way I was, but perhaps leaving the door open for the future means she believes I can change over time? Regardless I've moved on, but I'll always think of her as an option in the future once all the dust has settled. I don't know, I know I said I didn't see it coming, but I guess I did. I just thought we'd work through our issues together, as I was trying to overcome them with her. I guess she didn't believe that I could fast enough, and the pressure was getting to her. This is a pretty hard hit to my self-esteem in general, I feel a lot of guilt for ruining my relationship with her, she was really sweet and definitely had good chemistry. Can't force someone to love you though, and it can definitely drive you mad if they don't. I'll look into that book once I'm done reading the 10 I already have haha. Not to mention homework from my CBT therapists, which I'm unsure I need on the count my ex drove me to feel as insecure as I did. We'll see.

[normal person]

Unfortunately, I was so insecure in my relationship that I acted clingy, jealous, and possessive, which led to my girlfriend of almost a year leaving me. Although not a long relationship, I turned a girl that was falling for me into a stranger, and I'm frankly repulsed by my behavior.

 

If you want to figure out how to overcome you're insecurity, you first need to ask yourself why you're insecure to begin with. Once you can admit that to yourself (like your job isn't great, you feel emasculated, you have abandonment issues, etc) then you can take the necessary measures to deal with those things and hopefully gain the confidence you're seeking.

 

Best of luck.

[StevenP]

If you want to figure out how to overcome you're insecurity, you first need to ask yourself why you're insecure to begin with. Once you can admit that to yourself (like your job isn't great, you feel emasculated, you have abandonment issues, etc) then you can take the necessary measures to deal with those things and hopefully gain the confidence you're seeking.

 

Best of luck.

 

Hey, thanks for the reply, I appreciate you finding the thread in the depths and responding. Yeah, I definitely have abandonment issues. My therapist and I are sorting through them now, and so far so good. My mother was horribly neglectful when I was younger, and I often had to take care of my younger brother alone while she was out drinking. I can't really place why that makes me feel the way I do, but apparently it makes people behave similarly to how I did. I'm also generally insecure because I'm 25 and still in university (despite there being many older people in my class), and not really feeling great about where I am right now, but I'm confident things will get better. I know I'm a smart guy, and have tons of potential, just currently going through a quarter life crisis. I know I'm gonna come out the other end. I'm very social and have no problem making friends, in fact, I've been told I'm one of those people that people "radiate towards". Girls like me, my friends respect me, but I can't seem to respect myself.

 

Just to check in with everyone, I'm feeling a lot better these days. My sadness about the relationship ending has transitioned into disappointment. I feel a lot of guilt for how I treated my ex but I hope she's happier now, even if I never see her again. I needed this to happen to change, so I guess there's a silver lining to everything, and chalk this up to the universe testing me and forcing me to grow. No other way to look at it.

 

- Been in the gym every day for the last 5 weeks (used to be in EXTREMELY good shape, lost it over the course of the last couple years and especially in this relationship).

 

- Diet is phenomenal, perfect even. Tracking all my calories and macros, eating like an athlete)

 

- Spending more time with my friends and family. However, decided to cut my toxic Mother out of my life for the time-being, as she was using this break up against me to make me feel worse about myself.

 

- Started the semester.. Not really working as hard as I'd hoped cause I've been in a funk for a while, and probably focusing too much on regaining social life and physique, but it's coming.

 

- Seeing a new therapist that really gets my problem, and has actually been giving me CBT homework which is helping me understand everything.

 

- Reading self-help books, and just books in general.

 

- Started a journal coming up with business ideas

 

- Organized a photoshoot to have some professional photos taken for my LinkedIn Profile (Accounting student, so trying to get a commerce-related job).

 

- Bought new clothes.

 

- Going on dates with other beautiful women, even slept with one, but unfortunately she's falling for me at the wrong time, and I'm not ready to commit any time soon.

 

 

So that's what I've been up to for 5 weeks, hoping for more to come.

 

If anyone has anymore advice or relatable experiences I'm following this thread closely.

 

Take care

[mightycpa]

I was looking for more romance but it didn't seem like she was that romantic..... I don't want to be needy or need validation anymore. I don't want to believe women are scarce to me and that every one I date is "the one". I want to gain confidence in myself and make myself happy, so that if a girl leaves, it's not the end of the world. It looks like she was pretty controlling though, so good riddance I guess even if it's hard to see.

Maybe it's just the way that you say it, but it sounds to me like "being in a relationship" is the number one consideration for you, and who that's with is somewhat secondary. Hopefully, it's obvious why that is completely backwards.

 

The bolded one in particular jumps out at me. Validation should come from within. That eliminates neediness, because rather than you "needing" her approval and adoration, you evaluate whether or not she's meeting YOUR NEEDS, which is a completely different mindset, and where you really want to be. When you can honestly say "being alone is better than being with her" then you've arrived.

[StevenP]

Maybe it's just the way that you say it, but it sounds to me like "being in a relationship" is the number one consideration for you, and who that's with is somewhat secondary. Hopefully, it's obvious why that is completely backwards.

 

The bolded one in particular jumps out at me. Validation should come from within. That eliminates neediness, because rather than you "needing" her approval and adoration, you evaluate whether or not she's meeting YOUR NEEDS, which is a completely different mindset, and where you really want to be. When you can honestly say "being alone is better than being with her" then you've arrived.

 

I agree. I want to get to that point. This girl made me so unhappy at times by not reacting appropriately to my behaviour, that I threatened to break up with her a lot. I mean, her communication skills were so poor that it was heartbreaking. Sure I had insecurity issues, but she was unwilling to solve them as a team, and I felt that if she reacted better we would have overcome it. Instead she got annoyed, which is very understandable, but her actions perpetuated the insecurity. Because I was so dependent, I couldn't even go through with leaving her and within an hour would call her apologizing for my mistake. If I had a spine at the time, and felt secure with myself, I'd leave her in a heartbeat. She had horrible back pains that made dating her literally impossible. She couldn't sleep in the same bed as me cause of them, she couldn't watch a movie, she couldn't play sports or do that much physical activity, and the sex was getting very boring (she couldn't give oral cause of a jaw issue, couldn't go on top cause of her knees, etc0... All my friends thought she was the biggest princess and that I should've left her, but I loved her besides all that and paid the price in the end...

 

Sucks

[Miss Peach]

Our last week, for like 3 days she ignored me all day. I was really upset. Then one day she asked to hang out, said she missed me.

 

This sounds to me like you were in the dog house for something...

 

It looks like she was pretty controlling though, so good riddance I guess even if it's hard to see.

 

I don't know your entire story but it sounds like there is an unhealthy dynamic and both people have a role in things.

 

I also recommend reading the books Attached (or at least google it for an explanation). It sounds like you became anxious and she was an avoidant.

 

Thanks for the reply from the other side, even though it hurts to hear.

 

I know in my case, I talk about an issue a 1-3 times. I assert a boundary. When a guy isn't behaving I keep that boundary. If it persists I drop the guy. Some women will nag a long time and others won't. It usually depends on how bad the situation is for them, how long, how much love/respect there is, etc.

 

In my case, my BF is acting disrespectful and taking me for granted. I pointed it out and said if it happens again he wouldn't be the priority in my life. He is acting better now but he's on thin ice because not only do I worry about him being a push/pull guy, but I also saw disrespect, jealousy, and some other things I don't really want to deal with. I know I'll have no problem finding another guy. He will struggle a lot more trying to find another woman.

[StevenP]

This sounds to me like you were in the dog house for something...

 

 

 

I don't know your entire story but it sounds like there is an unhealthy dynamic and both people have a role in things.

 

I also recommend reading the books Attached (or at least google it for an explanation). It sounds like you became anxious and she was an avoidant.

 

 

 

I know in my case, I talk about an issue a 1-3 times. I assert a boundary. When a guy isn't behaving I keep that boundary. If it persists I drop the guy. Some women will nag a long time and others won't. It usually depends on how bad the situation is for them, how long, how much love/respect there is, etc.

 

In my case, my BF is acting disrespectful and taking me for granted. I pointed it out and said if it happens again he wouldn't be the priority in my life. He is acting better now but he's on thin ice because not only do I worry about him being a push/pull guy, but I also saw disrespect, jealousy, and some other things I don't really want to deal with. I know I'll have no problem finding another guy. He will struggle a lot more trying to find another woman.

 

 

understandable. I know my mistakes, and feel my ex probably felt the same way you did. I however have no trouble finding other women, so that's not really something my I worry about either. Both of us definitely had a role, and the dynamic was awful, still a lot of love between us though, and maybe some time apart and maturity can help if we still want to work it out in the distant future.

[preraph]

Sounds like you have some low self-esteem, so you are always thinking someone won't stay with you unless you monitor them to be sure they don't have a chance. You know, a real confident man or woman (and truly there aren't too many of them) will leave the door wide open and figure if the person leaves, now they know that about them and can always get someone else.

 

To work on self-esteem you have to usually do therapy and find out how you got it. Often it's parents who instill it, but it can be bullying or any number of things and usually it's more than one thing that piles on. But it's good to understand if what you considered a normal mom was actually quite a critical one or that sort of thing, and then start working your way out of it.

 

You can naturally build self-esteem (one you know why you have it) from working towards goals and accomplishing them. You cannot get self-esteem from just having a girlfriend, and that's how you end up clinging to them, when you're relying upon them to feel worthy. You rely on yourself and start to have accomplishments in life, even small ones like being able to support yourself for a year, and you start to have a better opinion of yourself and your capabilities and expect more of others..

 

Good luck.

[Trinity_84]

Learn to be a man and don't worry so much about your relationships. Concentrate on your career, cultivate some active hobbies, be there for your family and your buddies. Be the best man you can be.

 

You might find that after you learn to be a man that all the silly relationship drama evaporates. Your relationships will end on good terms. They will end when you figure out you are not right for each other, or someone has to relocate, not because of a silly fight or because someone cheated. You won't find yourself getting into relationships with crazies because you will have a low tolerance for drama. You are aware that you don't need to be in a relationship to have self worth and you will also know that it really is easy to find someone else if that's what you want.

 

I only regret it took me until my 40s to become a man. I married a domineering woman and that stunted my growth. My father was passive and not the best role model for how to be a strong man, but he did instill integrity, hard work, and dedication to his family so I didn't have start from square one.

 

I am a woman but this is so true for us as well. I guess we grow up with the "prince on a horse coming to rescue us" bull**** and we neglect our own self worth when a man shows us some love.

 

But some of us go through that and realize it's not for us. We are not princesses that need to be rescued. We want to build our own lives, our own castles, our own kingdoms, and maybe one day we'll find someone to share it with, not give it to. But it takes experience, painful ones sometimes.

[StevenP]

I am a woman but this is so true for us as well. I guess we grow up with the "prince on a horse coming to rescue us" bull**** and we neglect our own self worth when a man shows us some love.

 

But some of us go through that and realize it's not for us. We are not princesses that need to be rescued. We want to build our own lives, our own castles, our own kingdoms, and maybe one day we'll find someone to share it with, not give it to. But it takes experience, painful ones sometimes.

 

That's the hurdle I'm facing right now. You can't place your worth in someone else's hands. Men and women both face this issue equally, although I've found that it comes out in different ways (Prince on a horse vs. Mother/therapist figure for men). I found that I didn't really feel dependent till I fell in love, but realized that's probably the only situation where the insecurity will manifest itself, so I think it's important to have some relationship failures to learn from and grow.

 

I'd like to thank everyone for all the insight. As time passes, I'm growing more and more confident and self-resilient, and slowly getting over the breakup. I realize I made some huge errors, but despite being many things, I'm not a quitter. I've been working hard with my therapist on dealing with my attachment issues, and really focusing on being alone. I never realized it, but I hated being alone. Before when I lived at home (moved out when I met girlfriend), I always had some company. Now that I'm 100% autonomous, I'm really learning to be my own man, and it feels pretty good. Ya I think about her still, but she's gone, and if she wants the improved me in the future I'm not closing any doors. I'm putting on my horse blinders and only looking forward.

 

I'd still love to hear your stories about overcoming insecurity, or just examples in general.

 

Thanks!

[StevenP]

It's her fault. Why does the male get blamed for bad female behavior?

 

Why is it her fault?

[StevenP]

Hi everyone, just wanted to say thank you for all your advice. Good news.. I managed to reunite with my ex. We bumped into each other and she saw how much I've changed, and how much introspection I've done. I'd like to thank everyone who contributed to this self-realization, and can't appreciate you enough. I'll continue to post and keep you updated on my issues and see if they've been resolved.

[preraph]

Self-esteem is something that goes back to childhood, so it isn't as easy as reading things to fix it. You need to understand the source or sources. Often, it's our parents. Sometimes it's being bullied, although a person with really good self-esteem wouldn't be as apt to be bullied. So it starts early.

 

Then it can turn into insecurity. We don't trust that someone will just want to stay with us because of our low self-esteem, so we feel we must constantly be on the lookout. If it makes you feel any better, most of us have some degree of insecurity and self-esteem issues, maybe concentrated in one aspect of our lives at least. But when it reaches the point where you feel you have to monitor someone because you can't trust that they aren't out to sneak around on you, that is clearly a big relationship ruining problem. You can't monitor anyone enough to prevent someone from cheating, to begin with. That's illegal. And if that's all you're doing, then you're not happy anyway, so what's the point?

 

A secure person knows that if this person flakes on them, they can find another, so they leave the door wide open. A secure person figures what quicker way to find out what the person is made of than to give them enough rope to hang themselves. Then if they stay, it's not because you coerced them into it. It's because they want to.

 

It may take therapy to get to the root of your insecurity. It would certainly be enlightening, though knowing doesn't always change anything. For example someone I know was attracted to guys who would push her away, and it was clear it was because she had been abandoned by her father. So she was attracted to that because she felt the need to conquer that situation and find someone and fix it. Of course, that doesn't work. It just makes you tolerate bad behavior to keep someone not that great around you.

 

So it manifests different ways. If you can, at least do some therapy and find out how this started for you, and then you try to adjust your behavior.

 

And it is true that accomplishments you do on your own will build self-esteem. But that childhood root cause needs to be sorted out, too, to stop the pattern.

 

Good luck.