Wife continuing to have affair - but still living at home

[Mindfulmadness]

First time poster, no reason even to lurk before, although I wish I had...wall of text incoming no doubt.

 

Have been married to my wife 10 years, together 2y pre wedding. Never any doubts about her before that point.

 

Relationship has always been unequal to my mind and I have often felt rather subservient to a demanding wife - had a bit of a wobble 8y ago when she wanted kids and I was concerned about the marriage but we had a great year and all seemed well through the birth of kids 1 and 2. Looking back, we'd become quite separate in our activities, so had lost a bit of personal connection, and sex became a bit of a running issue throughout. I'd felt very put upon by her over the years and become quite downtrodden and introverted. (Now this has come out, both sides of the family have been very forthcoming in how unfairly they feel she treats me even in public...)

 

Child number 3 arrived as a surprise 2y ago and since then there has been a massive downturn. Even as a stay at home mum for >1y she was struggling so the demands on me when not at work (I work 60h/wk) massively increased. This did not come as a surprise, but the masses of stress at work, home etc just led to us losing my cool a lot and so arguments and resentment developed. It's been a hard couple of years between us and for my part I have been far too critical of her.

 

Things seemed to be improving as child 3 aged, and we started counselling mid last year although I didn't feel wife was really engaged in this. She told me in Dec she felt the marriage was over and there was no point - a few weeks later (2w ago) it transpired that she'd been seeing a male friend for emotional support and so this then led to sex a "couple of times". She says she is falling in love with him.

 

Now I have said to her that I could forgive this and move on if she wants to work at this - I can understand why this happened although am obviously very disappointed in her, she's always been vitriolically condemning of people having affairs. She justifies it by saying it's the catalyst for the marriage ending, it was going to anyway. I know that we can have a good marriage again and believe in all our plans and our kids. I still love her (she says she loves me) but she says that there is no way back - she just feels too bad around me at the moment. The fact that I still suggest reconciliation means I haven't understood anything she's been saying, apparently. However I think a lot of the issue is that she is in the flush of a new relationship - in my opinion she hasn't even engaged with the counselling we arranged because of this.

 

She is struggling massively with being blamed by her family for this (her family found out about the affair and made her tell me). I am being seen as the one who wants to try - she's the one who slept with someone else during counselling.

She feels she needs to put her happiness first (not out of character) but that this means leaving rather than working on things, and the children don't seem to be much of a consideration (they'll be fine, they can be better off when I'm happier).

 

However her attitude softens occasionally, particularly when she's not seen him for a few days. She wants to go away this weekend for "thinking space" because she's "not certain", although I suspect this just means heading to the OM.

 

At home however in some ways nothing has changed. We are a good team for the kids and she continues to expect that I will pick up the slack while she is seeing friends, exercising etc. She comes back from work (I'm taking some time off) and we eat together. She still talks to me about difficulties at work (we do the same job; OM does something else) and indeed her medical probs. She talks about how we need a new car and things to do with the kids later in the year.

She says she has no plans for what to do next - I would be surprised if she has talked about moving in with this guy with 3 very small kids after seeing him "properly" for perhaps 2 months, so perhaps things have been longer although this seems doubtful for various complicated reasons - even recently she can only really have been seeing him weekly. But you never know - my suspicion is her ducks are not yet all in a row and she wanted to feel out the affair for several more months yet.

 

I am deeply in love with her and wish the marriage to continue, although I would obviously like to communicate my needs to her better. I have been a very different person since counselling illuminated things for me - we haven't been arguing at all and I have been far more chilled out. Getting more sleep has been the big thing for me.

 

So I am in a confused limbo situation. I went off the rails initially (depression, no anger) and sought help for this, am much calmer now a couple of weeks on, been seeing friends etc.

I've read the advice in the sticky and Divorce Remedy - presumably this is the best policy to pursue, if I can, given that we are still living together? Only question is, if I end up essentially facilitating her affair, how long can I realistically keep that up? I am focussing on the fact that to my mind this is a far better environment for the kids, if we stay together and succeed, and trying to keep unemotional.

[elaine567]

YOU have obviously worked out that staying married is better for you and the kids than blowing up the marriage over the cheating event.

No-one here lives your life, so if you think that is the best thing FOR YOU then carry on.

 

BUT you have to fully assess the situation, before you get in too deep.

It may be that your wife WILL leave you for the OM, or just leave, so get your ducks in a row, don't get lulled into a false sense of security and you then find she walks off with most of your assets.

Speak to an attorney, know your rights, protect your assets.

It may or may not come to a divorce, but if it does, you will be prepared.

YOU have had a warning, do not sleep walk into trouble.

[MajorOak]

Sorry you are going through this.

My ex carried on with her affair, a few days at home, a few days with him for 4 months. It neally killed me.

I eventually realise she needed help to leave our home.

I found the excellent thread below which I read and adopted, it gave me the strength to tell her to sling her sorry ass.

 

Goodluck.

 

She's having an affair, and this is an excellent thread to repost the following. Please read it carefully, and understand the new mindset you need to get into:

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[Marc878]

Marriage should be 50/50 or balanced if you do too much you can get taken advantage of and lose respect.

 

You really need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy".

 

People do tend to treat you as you let them.

[Mr. Lucky]

YOU have obviously worked out that staying married is better for you and the kids than blowing up the marriage over the cheating event.

No-one here lives your life, so if you think that is the best thing FOR YOU then carry on.

 

Agree no one should judge the OP for his choices but one can't unilaterally decide to stay married to a spouse that has other intentions.

 

At home however in some ways nothing has changed. We are a good team for the kids and she continues to expect that I will pick up the slack while she is seeing friends, exercising etc. She comes back from work (I'm taking some time off) and we eat together. She still talks to me about difficulties at work (we do the same job; OM does something else) and indeed her medical probs. She talks about how we need a new car and things to do with the kids later in the year.

 

Mindfulmadness, you can continue to pretend and play house but realize what you're signing up for. Right now you're Plan B as she test drives this new relationship and sleeps with her OM while you cook, clean and babysit. If she returns to the marriage, it will be out of necessity rather than desire.

 

Not what I could accept but you may feel differently. Agree with elaine567, a consultation with a good divorce attorney will provide you with better footing and more information. I'd guess sooner rather than later, you're going to need it. Keep posting, lots of support here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The_Onceler]

Wow. Reading your story was almost reading my own, save for a few details. I am REALLY sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I can attest - it really sucks.

 

I know that you want to save your marriage, but from where I sit (and given my current similar experiences), I truly think that any path to saving your marriage starts with first walking away.

 

It sounds as if you have probably ALWAYS taken a back seat to your wife, and that is not a good thing. Fixing this will require making changes to yourself., It will be hard to make those necessary changes while you are still embroiled in your current situation.

 

Primarily, I would guess that you don't demand respect for yourself, from either yourself or your wife. The way she is carrying on at the moment is just a flagrant indication of her disrespect. You need to teach her that you deserve respect, and you need to teach yourself. And in this situation, self respect would seem to require that you give her the boot.

 

Might you reconcile someday? Perhaps. But, again, I think you need to walk away first, to get some space and perspective.

 

I am fairly certain that my ex was or is in the midst of a mid-life crisis. When I first realized that, I rationalized that we might be able to make our relationship work again, once she recovered from the crisis. However, it didn't take long before I also realized that I would have to become a man that I did not want to be if I was going to be able to sit by, play nice, and enable her to have her boyfriend on the side.

 

I don't want to be that guy. And no woman that I would want, would want to be with that guy. Don't be that guy.

 

I worried that my kids would suffer, and I rationalized that I needed to "bend like reed" in the face of her affair and disrespect - for the good of the kids. However, now that she and I have separated, I realize that the kids are probably much better off now than they would have been. And so am I.

 

It has been hard and stressful, in so many ways, but I really think that things are better than they would have been, and the potential is there for things to be better for me than they have been in a long, long time.

 

And really, the stress is about all the wrong things. When I had to face being a single parent with 50/50 custody (which I wanted - I want my kids with me!) - my worries revolved mostly around my work and my finances. But now, I figure... if I can't perform at my current job because of the demand of being a single dad, then I can change my job. And if I have to sell my house, downsize, tighten my belt, etc... well, so what? I don't need a big house or a new car or a high-flying career in order to be a good father and to be around my children, which is what I want most in all of this.

 

I hope this was helpful, and whatever you decide, good luck!

[notbroken]

You are playing the 'pick me' game. You can't 'win' that no matter what. Even if she were to 'choose' you it just shows her that she can do anything and you will still beg her to stay. Do just the opposite as some have suggested. Tell her you have decided she is right - she should go. Now. Tell her you've decided you don't want to be with anyone that doesn't want to be with you and that YOU are 'the prize'. She doesn't get 5 months, days, or even minutes to decide. If it is not you, then you will help her pack her things.

 

Being strong may make her want you. Being weak and begging her definitely won't.

 

You can do it. You really are the prize. A cheating spouse sure isn't. Good luck.

[Jersey born raised]

What reasons has she given though out this marriage for you and for her husband alone to stay. Put aside the kids, put aside some good, some ok times. Instead why would a man want her? What is so great about being married to a woman like this day to day?

 

As to her excuse: when the chips are down that's when our action defines us. A upright person confronts and asks for a divorce. A coward sneaks out the back door.

 

Her actions (adultery) define her, your reactions define you. Being kind and understanding without saying no you where wrong these things must change to her are the actions of a child not an adult.

[Been]

It's already ended when your wife chose to cheat on you. You are just waiting for her to drop the hammer on you for some reason. Cheating is never a vaild reason or excuse for ANYONE to do it much less someone who is married WITH multiple kids. She has shown you she has no interest in anyones feelings but HERS. Not you or the kids come to mind when she is making decisions. All about her. And the fact that her FAMILY made her tell you about the affair pretty much tells me she wasn't going to tell you. DIVORCE HER

[Mindfulmadness]

Wow, thanks for all the responses. And in retrospect, probably the sensible advice I could have expected to get.

 

Major Oak - thanks for reposting that extremely good post, and The Onceler, thanks for your thoughts. I hope you don't mind me having checked out your post history - clearly you're a man with some considerable insight here

 

As it stands, firstly she was taken aback by my initial comments that I would forgive the affair (obviously if it stopped) as part of her problem was she didn't feel I loved her any more - she then realised that I did, obviously.

 

FWIW it transpires, through her friend who she's confided in (who I get on with well and who thinks she's been disgraceful) that the actual escalation from "supportive friend" to "affair" was probably only a few weeks earlier (I agree this is very hard to define though...apparently nothing physical before this) so clearly she probably hasn't had much time to figure out where she was going with this and really would not have wanted this to come out right now. (as per MrLucky's comment - "test driving the new relationship")

 

 

Since my first post above I have told her that if she wishes to still see OM, then she's made her decision, we need to start moving on, considering when to sell the house and where she is going to live. And I will be seeing a lawyer. This practicality does seem to have stirred something in her at the moment but she does not feel that she can abandon him because he is offering her emotional support which I cannot do in my current state (and apparently was no good at anyway) and her family have basically turned against her also so she has no support anywhere else. (Although she has not been seeing him in person since my previous post). Frankly, I and her family are quite concerned for her mental stability at the moment and she is not thinking at all clearly, she's a crying wreck every evening but refuses to take time off work although is having some therapy now. Adding to this of course is that she's spent the last few months weaning small child off breastfeeding (yes, she's done all this while still being a breastfeeding mother ffs) and has always gone through some emotional turmoil and bizarre thinking when she's done this in the past.

 

Don't mistake this last bit for thinking I'm excusing what she's done, she's still a mentally competent adult.

 

There's still a fair bit of backtracking from her though and clearly she wants a safety net...

 

In any case, the next step is going to be separation as I have told her this cannot go on, but what this will mean practically is anyone's guess. She tells me moving out is not an option, moving in with him is not even on the cards and frankly I don't see ultimately why this guy with 3 teenagers (he's a single father) would want to take on 3 kids under age 7 anyway but again, life is weird. So I can still see this limbo period of us both in our house, which is not likely to sell quickly for various reasons, which promises to be challenging to say the least.

[PegNosePete]

Since my first post above I have told her that if she wishes to still see OM, then she's made her decision, we need to start moving on, considering when to sell the house and where she is going to live. And I will be seeing a lawyer.

You did the right thing here. And you need to put a time limit on this thing. But either way, my advice would be to see a lawyer NOW. Or better yet, several lawyers. Initial consultation is FREE so there's really no reason not to. Plus if you let her line her ducks up, she will see all the good local lawyers, who then won't be able to see you due to conflict of interest laws. So yeah, see a lawyer sooner rather than later for advice.

 

This practicality does seem to have stirred something in her at the moment but she does not feel that she can abandon him

How long are you going to give her to choose? It seems that as you say above, she has made her decision...

 

I can still see this limbo period of us both in our house, which is not likely to sell quickly for various reasons, which promises to be challenging to say the least.

Indeed. It's a very common situation. Make up a bed for her in the spare room (why should YOU move out of the bed, you're not the one who cheated). The most important advice I can give you is as above, see a lawyer. Find out about the laws in your jurisdiction for getting a divorce whilst still sharing the same address. And certainly do not move out without consulting one!

[Mr. Lucky]

The most important advice I can give you is as above, see a lawyer. Find out about the laws in your jurisdiction for getting a divorce whilst still sharing the same address. And certainly do not move out without consulting one!

 

Mindfulmadness, about the 6th time you've been given this valuable piece of advice here. Many of us old-timers have seen numerous situations where, in their shock and confusion, a BS does something ill-advised negatively impacting terms of the eventual divorce. Make an appointment today.

 

This practicality does seem to have stirred something in her at the moment but she does not feel that she can abandon him because he is offering her emotional support which I cannot do

 

Typical cheater thinking. She blow up your marriage with an affair, then blames you because can't comfort her self-inflicted pain. Wow...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mightycpa]

Hi,

 

Something about your story strikes me. I'm going to challenge the assertion that you love her as much as you think you do.

 

I'm wondering if what you feel, which I'll stipulate is very strong and genuine, I'm wondering if that's pretty much the same kind of feeling that you get when you're dumped out of the blue. In other words, it is the surprise itself that has generated these feelings of need due to sudden abandonment. That happens in the breakup forum all the time, and I don't think it is a "suddenly you know what you've lost" thing, I think it's more about the surprise than anything else and if you'd had some time to slowly warm up to the idea, that it wouldn't have affected you as much.

 

This may or may not be true, but it is worth some consideration, and if it is true, that may affect your outlook.

[40somethingGuy]

First time poster, no reason even to lurk before, although I wish I had...wall of text incoming no doubt.

 

Have been married to my wife 10 years, together 2y pre wedding. Never any doubts about her before that point.

 

Relationship has always been unequal to my mind and I have often felt rather subservient to a demanding wife - had a bit of a wobble 8y ago when she wanted kids and I was concerned about the marriage but we had a great year and all seemed well through the birth of kids 1 and 2. Looking back, we'd become quite separate in our activities, so had lost a bit of personal connection, and sex became a bit of a running issue throughout. I'd felt very put upon by her over the years and become quite downtrodden and introverted. (Now this has come out, both sides of the family have been very forthcoming in how unfairly they feel she treats me even in public...)

 

Child number 3 arrived as a surprise 2y ago and since then there has been a massive downturn. Even as a stay at home mum for >1y she was struggling so the demands on me when not at work (I work 60h/wk) massively increased. This did not come as a surprise, but the masses of stress at work, home etc just led to us losing my cool a lot and so arguments and resentment developed. It's been a hard couple of years between us and for my part I have been far too critical of her.

 

Things seemed to be improving as child 3 aged, and we started counselling mid last year although I didn't feel wife was really engaged in this. She told me in Dec she felt the marriage was over and there was no point - a few weeks later (2w ago) it transpired that she'd been seeing a male friend for emotional support and so this then led to sex a "couple of times". She says she is falling in love with him.

 

Now I have said to her that I could forgive this and move on if she wants to work at this - I can understand why this happened although am obviously very disappointed in her, she's always been vitriolically condemning of people having affairs. She justifies it by saying it's the catalyst for the marriage ending, it was going to anyway. I know that we can have a good marriage again and believe in all our plans and our kids. I still love her (she says she loves me) but she says that there is no way back - she just feels too bad around me at the moment. The fact that I still suggest reconciliation means I haven't understood anything she's been saying, apparently. However I think a lot of the issue is that she is in the flush of a new relationship - in my opinion she hasn't even engaged with the counselling we arranged because of this.

 

She is struggling massively with being blamed by her family for this (her family found out about the affair and made her tell me). I am being seen as the one who wants to try - she's the one who slept with someone else during counselling.

She feels she needs to put her happiness first (not out of character) but that this means leaving rather than working on things, and the children don't seem to be much of a consideration (they'll be fine, they can be better off when I'm happier).

 

However her attitude softens occasionally, particularly when she's not seen him for a few days. She wants to go away this weekend for "thinking space" because she's "not certain", although I suspect this just means heading to the OM.

 

At home however in some ways nothing has changed. We are a good team for the kids and she continues to expect that I will pick up the slack while she is seeing friends, exercising etc. She comes back from work (I'm taking some time off) and we eat together. She still talks to me about difficulties at work (we do the same job; OM does something else) and indeed her medical probs. She talks about how we need a new car and things to do with the kids later in the year.

She says she has no plans for what to do next - I would be surprised if she has talked about moving in with this guy with 3 very small kids after seeing him "properly" for perhaps 2 months, so perhaps things have been longer although this seems doubtful for various complicated reasons - even recently she can only really have been seeing him weekly. But you never know - my suspicion is her ducks are not yet all in a row and she wanted to feel out the affair for several more months yet.

 

I am deeply in love with her and wish the marriage to continue, although I would obviously like to communicate my needs to her better. I have been a very different person since counselling illuminated things for me - we haven't been arguing at all and I have been far more chilled out. Getting more sleep has been the big thing for me.

 

So I am in a confused limbo situation. I went off the rails initially (depression, no anger) and sought help for this, am much calmer now a couple of weeks on, been seeing friends etc.

I've read the advice in the sticky and Divorce Remedy - presumably this is the best policy to pursue, if I can, given that we are still living together? Only question is, if I end up essentially facilitating her affair, how long can I realistically keep that up? I am focussing on the fact that to my mind this is a far better environment for the kids, if we stay together and succeed, and trying to keep unemotional.

 

Sadly, your wife knows how you feel and look where that is getting you. You seem to be letting her decide on your time if it is you or the OM. You can't possibly R if you are letting this stand. She thinks she has your replacement and may be trying to work logistics with him but in the meantime is trying to drum up courage to leave you. For her to get a knock of reality, you have to 180 and serve her papers. At some point, she is thinking of you as her doormat and even as NC isn't even a discussion. WOW. Your only hope is to serve her papers and that will at least communicate you are not her doormat. I still don't think you can R since staying away from the OM doesn't seem to be something she is interested in.

[Mz. Pixie]

I have been here a bit. I understand your situation is unique to you and painful. But it's seen quite a bit here.

 

The one thing I will tell you with clarity is:

 

Women do not love men they don't respect.

 

Period.

 

"WW your continuing to see OM while being married to me will not be tolerated"

 

"Should you continue to see OM I will consider you want a divorce and I will do everything in my power to protect my kids (if any) and my assets"

 

Next time she sees OM

 

See lawyer. Start packing up her stuff. You can't throw her out of course but I would make her think I was going to.

 

When she cries and blames you be sure and tell her you're willing to discuss your shortcomings in the marriage however it was her choice to cheat and you will not play second.

 

Then do it. If you waver she will know she can continue to do this and get away with it.

[Popsicle]

Hi,

 

Something about your story strikes me. I'm going to challenge the assertion that you love her as much as you think you do.

 

I'm wondering if what you feel, which I'll stipulate is very strong and genuine, I'm wondering if that's pretty much the same kind of feeling that you get when you're dumped out of the blue. In other words, it is the surprise itself that has generated these feelings of need due to sudden abandonment. That happens in the breakup forum all the time, and I don't think it is a "suddenly you know what you've lost" thing, I think it's more about the surprise than anything else and if you'd had some time to slowly warm up to the idea, that it wouldn't have affected you as much.

 

This may or may not be true, but it is worth some consideration, and if it is true, that may affect your outlook.

 

Right???

That's exactly what I was thinking.

 

I think people just clutch on because they don't like change, not because of love.

 

It would frustrate me too and I would find it unbelievable too if I was a wife who was crying out for help all during a crappy marriage and had a husband who was ignoring my plea's (because he could... afterall, he thinks I'm not going anywhere so why do anything hard?). Then when I announce that I'm over and out, he wants to suddenly listen and work on things now? Why would I think he'd be any different if I stayed? That's not love. Love is listening before it gets to that point.

[Popsicle]

As I read your opening post again, I just can't see how or where this can be saved. She probably feels that way too. It makes me wonder exactly how you see this can be improved?

 

If you want to just stay together in an unloving marriage where you just co-parent together for the sake of the kids, that I can understand, but if otherwise, how do you see things improving?

 

This might be the kind of thing she needs to hear from you. And it might be good for her to answer the same question.

[ShatteredLady]

Can I ask what health issues she is dealing with? How long was she a SAHM? Are you talking about maternity leave or longer?

 

To be honest I was distracted when I started reading your post. When I continued reading I forgot the title & really expected this to be an "I can't take this anymore! How do I divorce my mother of 3 under 7? 8? Year old children?". I thought it was going to be YOU who had met some great coworker.

 

I'm asking questions to get a better feel for this. You don't seem to have a lot of empathy beyond a couple of basic therapy realizations. Being overly critical & complaining about sex with a VERY young family concerns me.

 

Please don't get me wrong. I loathe infidelity & my heart breaks for you experiencing that. I agree with other posters...if she wants to work on this marriage the OM needs to go!

[Popsicle]

I have to say though that it was pretty cold-blooded that she slept with someone else while you were in counseling. It sounds like she wasn't even trying then.

 

It's also interesting to me that she continues to talk about work, the kids, med problems, and getting a new car. You can feel yourself that this is just empty chatter done just to give the appearance connectedness. Maybe this has been going on for a long while from her perspective. You know, just chatter but no real emotional connectedness

[Mindfulmadness]

All very good points again and thanks for the considered replies.

 

Firstly, lawyer appt is scheduled.

 

Yes I do still love her, even during the ****storm of the last year this has been apparent. I am fully accepting of my part in the marriage downfall and this will be my cross to bear. We've had considerable discussion over the last month or so about this (including before the affair came out) and agree that we have both been pretty crap to each other for the last few years, not really working on any positive aspects, she's made me feel wholly inadequate with her demands and criticisms, and I have done the same. However I would not have expected the affair at a time when I felt we were trying to work on problems which I'd felt were caused by small kids, piles of stress, both working, and not taking the time to nurture each other. She was at home for a year after child 3.

 

Shattered Lady - you ask about her medical probs which I think was largely a throwaway comment from me, there aren't any major ones although she is extremely stressed and anxious at the moment, but in that case it was a minor but personal issue which felt an odd thing to discuss with someone you don't really want to remain connected with.

 

I don't feel I could ever have considered an affair myself though even when I was at my most frustrated with her.

 

It would frustrate me too and I would find it unbelievable too if I was a wife who was crying out for help all during a crappy marriage and had a husband who was ignoring my plea's (because he could... after all, he thinks I'm not going anywhere so why do anything hard?). Then when I announce that I'm over and out, he wants to suddenly listen and work on things now? Why would I think he'd be any different if I stayed? That's not love. Love is listening before it gets to that point.

 

I think we have both been ignoring each others' pleas for the last couple of years and we both recognise our part in this now. I certainly feel enough guilt for making her feel terrible. I had felt in May that counselling was a way to finally try to work on things, but unfortunately she didn't really seem to engage in this after a few months, mainly because she'd gone elsewhere for emotional support I guess. But you are right of course, the lack of listening was a complete fail.

 

I'm wondering if what you feel, which I'll stipulate is very strong and genuine, I'm wondering if that's pretty much the same kind of feeling that you get when you're dumped out of the blue. In other words, it is the surprise itself that has generated these feelings of need due to sudden abandonment. That happens in the breakup forum all the time, and I don't think it is a "suddenly you know what you've lost" thing, I think it's more about the surprise than anything else and if you'd had some time to slowly warm up to the idea, that it wouldn't have affected you as much.

 

Very good question that I've been asking myself a lot. However, things have been pretty awful for me over the last year, but I've not lost sight of the fact that I love her - although there have been plenty of negative interactions, there have been plenty of positive ones that have reinforced my opinion (obv not hers it would seem) that this was still where I wanted to be, and this was something we could ride out once we got through the sleeplessness and stress of a (soon to end) work situation also.

 

It is of course very possible there is no return even if she were to ditch the OM, and of course this thought will be fairly high in her mind. There's lots going on, for example we're both now having psychotherapy and in fact are both making fairly obvious (and acknowledged) 180s, oddly enough, but it's likely this will be for the benefit of our individual selves and future partners - I'm not totally naive, although I wish it weren't so. She knows I can't go on though unless she decides to leave him.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think we have both been ignoring each others' pleas for the last couple of years and we both recognise our part in this now. I certainly feel enough guilt for making her feel terrible. I had felt in May that counselling was a way to finally try to work on things, but unfortunately she didn't really seem to engage in this after a few months, mainly because she'd gone elsewhere for emotional support I guess. But you are right of course, the lack of listening was a complete fail.

 

And despite both being in the same struggling marriage, only one of you cheated.

 

Don't fall for these typical after-the-fact attempts to revise marital history. She had plenty of opportunity to discuss any problems with you, not some other man...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mz. Pixie]

And despite both being in the same struggling marriage, only one of you cheated.

 

Don't fall for these typical after-the-fact attempts to revise marital history. She had plenty of opportunity to discuss any problems with you, not some other man...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Exactly. People in affairs always do this.

[Marc878]

Get out of the infidelity. The ones who come out of these situations best get strong and stay there.

 

Go your own way and she'll either come along or she won't. Your current actions will just keep you in limbo hell longer. The problem now is you by your actions are allowing it.