how to deal with regret

[girlwhohasaquestion]

Hi all,

hoping that I can get some constructive advice. Thanks in advance

Letme start from the beginning. When I was20, I met an incredible guy (who was 23). we shared a deep love and were inseparable for 5 years. We used to attend church together, up each other's confidence, I was at my healthiest and happiest during this time and I owe that to him and the strength his love gave me. A year before meeting him, my mother left my father and basically disowned myself and my brother. So, the three of us were going through a miserable time when I met this fellow. My brother was very jealous if my rationship, even though he had his own and my father was supportive but they both treated him like a nuisance and me like a slave having to clean/buy food all of the time w no help!. At the time we were university students so hanging out at home was mostly what we did/could do.

Anyway I discovered one year into the relationship the bf was chatting with other girls online during our first year together. I reacted quite dramatically to all of this (esp cuz my mother had done the same thing to my father) and he was very sorry but I had a hard time forgiving.

So when the opportunity came to do my master's in Europe (im from N america)

I jumped at the chance to leave my brother and father and take a break from ex (but not from relationship).

So I left for what was supposed to be a year. I had the time of my life and really savoured my independence.

I had been very in love and faithful w bf until the last month when I met a dreamy spanish guy and threw all that love away.

I returned home told bf what I had done and that I wanted to stay in Europe (not at all for Spanish guy-never saw him again or cared). This began a very interesting and lonely adventure. I lived and worked in London and Madrid. While in Madrid, I learned from a friend that ex bf now had a girlfriend. Immediately I realized what I had lost. I cried myself to sleep night after night for weeks.

I wrote him telling him I was wrong, hes the only one for me, I was selfish stupid etc etc. He told me that I will always be his first love and that is that.

 

So I had no choice but to move forward. A month after this email exchange I met a guy in Paris while visiting a friend. He seemed interesting and nice and called me everyday in Madrid for 3 mths. He came to visit me and we hit it off but he had a wandering eye/was immature. I dont know what made me hold on to him because we had such a dysfunctional courtship. He continued hurting my feelings flirting w girls, ignoring me at social functions so we'd argue for ages then sleep together to make up and this stupidity continued untl I moved in w him in 2013 after a year together.

Things immediately changed living together in Paris, we became more like a family and stopped the bickering / he calmed w the flirting- for the most part.

 

Anyway time went on and he proposed, we married, and all was perfectly fine and dandy. 6 months later, surprise! Im pregnant!! while on the pill too!!

So in October I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and suddenly I started realizing how stupid I was to get married, how I "chose" wrong.

My husband is a good person but some things he's done in the past really make me wonder. Plus he wasnt supportive at all emotionally after or before the baby, if i was moody in my 9th month hed actually argue with me! Yet my family adores husband think he's amazing attempt to impress him treat him like gold!

 

I've always found myself comparing him to the ex who was my perfect match who was so patient and who, in turn, made me patient. When I think of someone who really loved and knew me in my life, it is him.

 

Anyway I discover that this past November, ex and girlfriend have split up- after 5 years together.

Now, I cant stop thinking about him. I realize I am married with a child and that makes me so depressed that I am so far beyond ever having a reconciliation with this man and that I will never be able to have the loving partner I so very much desire. Will I have to live with this regret for the rest of my days?

I dont know how to enjoy my life when I have made such a grave error.

 

Any advice?

ps I am now 31

Edited January 13, 2017 by girlwhohasaquestion

[mikeylo]

You could be in postnatal depression. Get some medicines from your doctor. Take care of your baby and be grateful for having a good husband. You don't realize that how difficult it is to say these days that my husband / wife is a good person.

[Redhead14]

"What's done is done and cannot be undone". Get really focused on your baby and your relationship. Assuming you are, for the most part, happy with your husband, don't allow yourself to make this situation another regret. Dwelling on/regretting the past, takes away from the here and now, which in turn, causes problems too. Focus on what you have, not what you don't have. You should be enjoying your baby!!! This time will pass very quickly and if, you continue on the path you're on, it will have passed you by without feeling all the joy that should come with it.

 

Unless there are significant reasons to seek a divorce, you owe it to your child and your husband to put your best self into the family. I'd also consider counseling. You may be experiencing some depression.

 

I don't like that your husband wasn't being supportive before or after the baby, though. But, I have to wonder, given what you're telling us, whether or not you've been giving the relationship the attention it deserves, which in turn, made him stressed and anxious, etc. I mean, if you're depressed and thinking about the other guy, it's got to take some toll on the relationship in some way.

[girlwhohasaquestion]

Thank you for your sound advice.

I do think I've given my full self to my marriage, it is just the personality of my husband not to really acknowledge that I can be weak and moody at times. My husband is quite macho whereas ex was sensitive, understanding ,etc.

 

I am in love with my baby, but I guess my husband not waking up one night for 3 mths now to take over etc is really pulling on my emotions.

 

I dont think this is postpartum depression as I just started having these feelings a month ago when I discovered he is single again.

 

I feel as though we could have really made it work this time, so the pain I caused him followed by the impossibility we could ever be together eat me up inside.

[TheWoman]

I know a fair bit about the situation you have found yourself in. If you are not sure about your marriage, and living in France until your child is old enough to leave home, you should reassess your position fairly quickly.

 

With the baby being so young you 'may' be allowed to leave. I do not know, you need to speak to a lawyer regarding this. The longer you leave it the more that possibility diminishes, are you familar with the Hague Convention? Look at what happened to Kelly Rutherford. Can you stay with your family in North America? Could you convince your husband to let you visit them for an extended period? To help you while the baby is small, since he doesnt want to. Once you have been out of the country for 6 months, habitual residence changes. If he is not helping now at all, that is not going to change. Do not allow yourself to become financially dependent on him.

 

Forget about the first love, it happens to us all. You are clinging to that because you know you have made a big mistake and trapped yourself with someone you do not really love. You will never be allowed to return home with your child if you carry on with the situation you are in. You will be left with all the responsibility of raising the child which means financially you will suffer. His behaviour with the baby is just a taste of what is to come. If you become financially dependent, you will have no control over anything in your life. Start thinking about the future and how you want it to be for you and your child.

[girlwhohasaquestion]

financial stability is not aquestion, I do work and have a career.

 

What I'm asking really is how to deal with this. I've beencrying off and on for five years now, even before meeting husband. The pain I feel is mixed with the fact that I hurt this person and that I can never be with him again.

 

Now that he's finally available and I see that we could have had a future, I am married with a child.

 

It could have been a wonderful reality that I just threw away because I was immature and too blind to see what I had. How can I live with myself knowing it was my fault that we are not sharing a life today