Newly Married and husband fishing on Craigslist

[Jump Through Loops]

Where he lost me altogether is his claim that he just wanted pictures. Um, no. You said you had an hour and wanted to meet up. This means he is still lying and hasn't learned a damn thing, even though he now has "help." Screw that. If you stay, you won't be a victim but instead a volunteer.

 

Sounds to me like he's your typical 'looking for sex' 'let's meet up' timewaster; Puts himself out there with the false impression of wanting to hook up, Get's an ego boost when an interested party responds, together with getting a huge kick in obtaining a smutty photo of them for his collection, and then he scarpers.

 

 

Still no excuse. He needs help. Is the OP prepared to spend many years helping him? If not, walk away now.

[Mr. Lucky]

He gave me all of his passwords to everything, set his phone up so I could see where he was and treated me like gold. I still would check his phone from time to time and he was fine with it. Even making it so I could get on his phone with my finger print.

 

Really very little security in this, it's simple for a cheater to have a second pay-as-you-go "burner" phone for hook-ups, email and text.

 

I've been down the road of trying to forgive infidelity. I won't do that again. That's just me. It just isn't worth it. It takes too many years to recover, usually fails, and it all sticks with you even when you succeed.

 

I did try before (unsuccessfully ) and would try to recover again - if there were kids involved. I think they deserve every good faith effort by both parents not to turn their life upside down.

 

Feelingtrapped16, since that doesn't apply to you, add me to the growing chorus telling you to do the healthy thing and walk...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CommittedToThis]

Anyone who claims to be in an exclusive relationship, let alone engaged to be married, should not be visiting the personals section of Craigslist, nor any OLD sites, for any reason whatsoever. It is an indication of a cheater, in my experience.

 

My advice is to run, not walk.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sigh yes...I justified it to myself since we were dating long distance and he begged and begged me to get back with him. Hindsight is 20/20

 

Chalk it up to life experience.

 

I've been married eleven years and two kids.

 

If I had known what my husband was before I was eight months pregnant with my first I would have left. I should have left then.

 

It's a constant drag on the marriage and I hate it.

 

You know what he is now and his sob stories will get old and his issues will be ever-present. He traded you in for a chance at another woman's vagina. Don't forget that when he cries. He actively sat there trying to get another woman to have sex with him and at that time he didn't give two craps about the marriage or what it would do to you. Nor the time previous.

 

If you want to find out just how painfully love can due and suck the joy in your life out with it, stay with him.

 

Otherwise, go while you are still young with no kids that will be asking where daddy is.

[Noirek]

I was the WS so i am not as angry or judgemental as some posters. Obviously I have a different POV then most of the other posters on "worthless" cheaters. That being said, reconciling requires a good foundation and since this is his second time caught so early in the relationship there really isn't much to build on.

 

I don't think reasons are excuses. To excuse something makes it okay. But for the person who truly is understanding, empathetic and has an open mind they can make you understand. But you can understand where something came from and not be required to put up with it or fix that person. If he does have impulse control issues you can understand that, know he isn't an evil worthless person and still know you are not responsible for that and you cannot live with that. You do not need to feel guilty for disolving your marriage, there isn't much of one there because of what he has done and probably will always struggle with.

 

If you do decide to reconcile, get a new counsellor. Yours is rubbish. He should be in individual and you guys should have your own marriage counsellor. And that person should not be saying biased things like "he really does love you" not there job.

 

Take care with what you decide.

[aileD]

Ugh this is hard. The TBI complicates it for me.

 

Is it impulse control caused by TBI or character flaw ?

 

Did he have the TBI when he cheated on you before marriage?

 

I struggle with the sickness and health part of the vows. My husband has some problems too, trauma, and it's clear why he's done what he's done ....and I should stand by him and want to......but the conflict comes when he's clearly hurting you. When do you save yourself? When does your commitment become martyrdom ?

 

I'm sorry for your predicament and I wish I had advice but I don't. I guess the only thing I can say is you're not two months in. Make sure you're on. Roth control and make a decision soon.

 

Peace to you

[Feelingtrapped16]

Ugh this is hard. The TBI complicates it for me.

 

Is it impulse control caused by TBI or character flaw ?

 

Did he have the TBI when he cheated on you before marriage?

 

 

Yes, it occurred 4 years ago when he was in the Army. What makes it worse is that I'm a nurse and I want to care for him and help him with all of his issues from being in the army (memory issues, PTSD and TBI) but I don't want to keep getting hurt like this. This has completely ruined my self esteem and self worth.

[aileD]

Yes, it occurred 4 years ago when he was in the Army. What makes it worse is that I'm a nurse and I want to care for him and help him with all of his issues from being in the army (memory issues, PTSD and TBI) but I don't want to keep getting hurt like this. This has completely ruined my self esteem and self worth.

 

Then you have to put yourself first.

 

You can still help him just not as his wife because as his wife there are certain deal breakers and infidelity is one of them for you.

[tinkerbell16]

The empathy curse...

You are clearly an empathetic woman. It is a great quality but unfortunately a magnet for individuals who abuse whether it be physical, verbal or trust.

Someone who does what your husband did which makes you question your worth is not love.

You will spend your life trying to fix something you didn't break and you will sacrifice yourself in the process.

 

You will end up with nothing but lost time and heartache.

 

You are young. There are many fish in the sea and staying with one that stings is not wise.

[elaine567]

This has completely ruined my self esteem and self worth.

 

And it will continue to do so, if you stay with this man.

He didn't even have the decency to wait a bit, like a year or two, after he got married before he recommenced his cheating ways.

[Noirek]

Yes, it occurred 4 years ago when he was in the Army. What makes it worse is that I'm a nurse and I want to care for him and help him with all of his issues from being in the army (memory issues, PTSD and TBI) but I don't want to keep getting hurt like this. This has completely ruined my self esteem and self worth.

 

Are you in IC? You may want to work on your need to fix people. Learn to seperate that from your self worth and romantic relationships.

 

Your husband isn't worthless and he does need help. But not from a wife. He needs to continue professional help, have the support of friends and be single. He is not marriage material. Some people aren't, it doesn't mean they are worthless or shouldn't be loved. Loved not in a romantic relationship.

 

You also could benefit from realizing why your self worth and esteem was ruined? You know and understand why your man may have cheated - he is severely broken. You know you aren't responsible for it - ptsd and TBI. You know in your head you cannot fix him... but this is back to your need to fix. You might think you should have been able to fix him. At least deep down inside. Letting that go with help of a professional may help you realize you are no less of a person because of what he does.

 

And I agree with others... keeping on trying to fix him will only drag you lower because you can't.

[Purepony]

That's not true !

Don't listen to these people !!

 

Make the decision you think is right ! Yes he can change and yes things can be better!

 

This is a delicate decision

You don't have to decide to stay you can stay together and track progress if he really is sorry he will stop if you love him I would say at least try

 

Everyone will take the path of least resistance and bolt but that's why most of us are all here

[flowergirl14]

I caught my h too just "looking" at the pictures on craigslist...until I saw where he had contacted them. Until I saw his Ashley Madison profile..until I discovered his office affairs..until I discovered him soliciting sex from a past acquaintence on face book. What you know is ONLY the tip of the iceberg!

[Feelingtrapped16]

Thank you everyone. Does anyone think that a separation or kicking him out will be a wake up call and make him realize his ways? Or is there absolutely no saving this? He has changed a lot since the first time he cheated on me when we were dating that's why these emails were such a big shock to me.

 

I feel like it's partly my fault because we weren't having as much sex as we use to due to me having some trust issues and holding on to some resentment. Of course he still made a choice to email them. He said he felt good when he came home knowing that he didn't go through with anything. A couple weeks after the emails and before I knew about them, we started having a lot more sex and being more intimate. We both started to feel a lot closer to again and during this time no emails were sent.

[elaine567]

We both started to feel a lot closer to again and during this time no emails were sent.

 

Make sure he doesn't have a hidden "burner" phone. Confronting cheaters with their indiscretions often doesn't make them stop, it just makes them more careful. they hide their tracks and they may become the perfect spouse on the surface, but...

Tread warily, assume nothing.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/607743-nearly-8-years-2-children-no-ring - worth a read especially towards the end.

[stillafool]

 

I feel like it's partly my fault because we weren't having as much sex as we use to due to me having some trust issues and holding on to some resentment. Of course he still made a choice to email them. He said he felt good when he came home knowing that he didn't go through with

 

Don't you dare take responsibility for his poor behavior. There will be times in your marriage where you will not be able to have sex with him and you have to be able to trust him. I don't think you can trust this man.

[mikeylo]

Thank you everyone. Does anyone think that a separation or kicking him out will be a wake up call and make him realize his ways? Or is there absolutely no saving this? He has changed a lot since the first time he cheated on me when we were dating that's why these emails were such a big shock to me.

 

I feel like it's partly my fault because we weren't having as much sex as we use to due to me having some trust issues and holding on to some resentment. Of course he still made a choice to email them. He said he felt good when he came home knowing that he didn't go through with anything. A couple weeks after the emails and before I knew about them, we started having a lot more sex and being more intimate. We both started to feel a lot closer to again and during this time no emails were sent.

 

It's not your fault. A cheater ALWAYS tries to gaslight and most BS get caught into it. Don't.

 

How will you ever know that the moment you turn your back , what is he doing ? What has he done since this revelations to prove to you that he is loyal now and will be in future ?

 

A peaceful sleep is worth everything.

[VeveCakes]

IMO there is no fixing those who lurk on CL.

[BuddyX]

Of course you're going to have trust issues. He's constantly cheating on you. My ExW told me she was walking on eggshells after I found out about her A's. Hello, she created this mess. She had to regain my trust.

 

This will take a long time and work. You tell your H, this is the prison he created. Make him earn your trust.

 

That being said, CL is just nasty. I know of some one who does CL dates. Seriously, the lowest of the low. Filthy.

 

I would bail yesterday. You don't want to be the woman that takes back CL Cheater.

 

One more question you need to ask yourself. If you take away sex from the relationship, will he automatically go to CL to fulfill his needs?

[mikeylo]

 

One more question you need to ask yourself. If you take away sex from the relationship, will he automatically go to CL to fulfill his needs?

 

^^^

And since he is a approval junkie and attention seeker , god forbid , if OP was sick in bed and couldn't give him attention he seeks , will he just leave her to fend for herself and get his fix from other women ? If she met with accident , got on a wheelchair, will he run into other women's arms for everything?

[Feelingtrapped16]

Yes it is nasty! All I know is the last time he did it (in October) he didn't meet anyone that time. Before that in March I don't know. He said he learned about CL from his army buddy and they would do it when they were in Afghanistan as a way to get pictures.

[BuddyX]

^^^

And since he is a approval junkie and attention seeker , god forbid , if OP was sick in bed and couldn't give him attention he seeks , will he just leave her to fend for herself and get his fix from other women ? If she met with accident , got on a wheelchair, will he run into other women's arms for everything?

 

Let's not forget the big one. Pregnancy

[mikeylo]

Yes it is nasty! All I know is the last time he did it (in October) he didn't meet anyone that time. Before that in March I don't know. He said he learned about CL from his army buddy and they would do it when they were in Afghanistan as a way to get pictures.

 

It's not nasty. It's cheating. Rest is all excuses.

 

Ask yourself: don't YOU need attention? When he is busy getting ( and giving his attention to other women ) attention from other women , who is giving you attention ? You are left to lick your own wounds because he is busy elsewhere.

[Feelingtrapped16]

It's not your fault. A cheater ALWAYS tries to gaslight and most BS get caught into it. Don't.

 

How will you ever know that the moment you turn your back , what is he doing ? What has he done since this revelations to prove to you that he is loyal now and will be in future ?

 

A peaceful sleep is worth everything.

 

I forgot to mention during the time he said he was emailing them he said he was having a hard time feeling emotions he felt numb.

 

Since I found out we've been in MC and he's been in IC. He also got on medication for depression. He's been reading self help books and researching as much as he can to make this right and also he's done everything I've asked him too. I don't think he has a burner phone, he has memory issues and he would have slipped up now I believe. He said he's been able to express himself more now and how he's feeling. However, I don't know if it's going to be enough.

[Ahurtgirl]

Oh my goodness, trust me on this, as a former other woman who was shown complete openess by my exMM, you need to get out of the relationship. He will cheat on you again and again. Leave him today if you can before he says more things to try to charm you back in. These type of me are so good at looking like they are remorseful and love you but they are just selfish and looking pit for their own wants. Don't let him do this to you! You deserve better. Be strong.