Fiance confessed to sexting affair

[montanafrontier]

HEy all, first post here. I have been with my significant other for going on 10 years. I asked her to marry me a few years ago and she said yes. We have 2 kids and one more due this Augest. Last September she confessed to having a sexting affair with another man. I was absolutely devastated. Now our relationship has not been perfect. I feel I cant write this without filling you in on our past issues and problems. All couples have their ups and downs but mine goes a little farther I feel. I was not exactly the role model boyfriend for her. I often called her fat and made jokes about her weight to her and in front of others.

 

I would call her goodyear and blimp amongst other things. A few times we would get into fights and I would get physical with her and choke her pull her hair and hit her. I would tell her the only reason I'm with her is because of the kids. I often talked to other girls and made profiles on dating websites and went on a date with another girl, but nothing ever happened physically. I never really gave her any positive comments towards her. But I did pay for her to go through nursing school and bought her a minivan like she always wanted. I always fixed things when they broke, I worked over 60+ hours a week so she could stay home with the kids and be the first to see their milestones.

 

We went through consoling and come to the conclusion that I was so negative because of the way I was raised. Without going too much into detail, my parents never showed any affection towards each other. My dad raised me to believe that it makes you less of a man to give women positive compliments. It makes you looked whipped and less of a man. If she doesn't do what you tell her to do then kick her to the curb. I know that it is wrong now.

 

Back to the sexting... this is her story she told me. She received a call from a wrong number. She then started wondering how he got her number and they were trying to figure out if and how they knew each other. They exchanged pictures of themselves and he started complementing how pretty she was. Then he started asking her for nude pictures. After a week or so of that she gave in and sent him some. this went on and off for june, july, and augest. She went out to meet him one time on june.

 

She said she never got out of the van and was only their for about 15 mins. give or take. When she told him she had to go he rached in the van for a hug and then tried to kiss her and she said that she pushed him away. Then he tried to touch the upper part of her breast with his finger and she told me she pushed his hand away. She sent numerous photos and a couple videos of herself. Nothing she sent had her face in it though. I found out about it one night when I got out of the shower and seen a text from him to her. She said in a reply back that she wants nothing to do with him anymore and wants to quit talking.

 

When I asked her about the text that is when she confessed all this. I'm just devastated.. Until this happened I don't think I realized how much I loved her. We went to consoling and I have did a complete 180. I give her compliments daily and tell her how much I love her and how gorgeous she is. I love her and don't want to leave her but ever since I found out I have felt depressed and feel like I cant get over it. It hurts so bad inside. 5 months later and I feel it still makes me depressed and hurt. I asked her what they talked about and she told me some stuff but she says she don't really remember most of the stuff.

 

I want a play by play about everything they texted about and get upset when she cant remember some things. I feel like its become a obsession and I cant let the event go and move on. I feel like it is creating tension because I cant get over it and work on the future. I know 100% I love her and don't want to leave her. I just feel so worried and torn up. I guess I'm just looking for advice or comfort to help get over this. Thanks for listening

 

also she told me that she reminded this person that nothing physical would ever happen between her and him. She told me that she did it because the compliments he would giver her made her feel good.

Edited January 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[CommittedToThis]

I often called her fat and made jokes about her weight to her and in front of others. I would call her goodyear and blimp amongst other things. A few times we would get into fights and I would get physical with her and choke her pull her hair and hit her. I would tell her the only reason I'm with her is because of the kids. I often talked to other girls and made profiles on dating websites and went on a date with another girl, but nothing ever happened physically. I never really gave her any positive comments towards her.

 

Hey Montana,

 

Sorry, man, if you want your wife to remain faithful to you, you need to learn how to earn it. I am glad you are working on your issues with the way you were raised. I think you're lucky all your wife did was sext, you could be in prison or homeless now if she chose to go after you.

 

All the best.

[Brittybritt92]

Women sext for different reasons than men. It's not just physical. They physical part is there, you can get turned on.. but at the same time its for attention that maybe shes not getting at home. She wants some validatiion that she's still a hottie!

 

Let her know you still think she's gorgeous

[KimJ1234]

There's really no excuse for any affair but after the way you treated her I can't say I blame her.

You beat her self esteem down so much she desperatly wanted someone to desire her.

 

Are you really surprised by her actions? She deserves to be treated better than you have done.

 

I hope she finds someone who can show her love.

[montanafrontier]

Hey Montana,

 

Sorry, man, if you want your wife to remain faithful to you, you need to learn how to earn it. I am glad you are working on your issues with the way you were raised. I think you're lucky all your wife did was sext, you could be in prison or homeless now if she chose to go after you.

 

All the best.

 

 

I agree. Ive worked very hard to change.

[montanafrontier]

Women sext for different reasons than men. It's not just physical. They physical part is there, you can get turned on.. but at the same time its for attention that maybe shes not getting at home. She wants some validatiion that she's still a hottie!

 

Let her know you still think she's gorgeous

 

Thanks for the advice! Its good to hear advice about this from a womans perspective. I tell her every day she is beautiful. This morning when she went to work I got up with her and turned the car on and made sure it was warm for her drive into work.

[montanafrontier]

There's really no excuse for any affair but after the way you treated her I can't say I blame her.

You beat her self esteem down so much she desperatly wanted someone to desire her.

 

Are you really surprised by her actions? She deserves to be treated better than you have done.

 

I hope she finds someone who can show her love.

 

I was surprised. But should I have been? no. I figured she would have left me before She sexted. I have changed the way I have treated her since the sexting. Some people don't change until their is a shock I guess. Whats up setting is it had to come to what it did for a change to happen

[mightycpa]

I'd be willing to bet you haven't changed at all. You were just threatened, and so for now, you're on high alert. I'm pretty focused on the way you treated her before you got your little shock. I'm not going to comment on how egregious your behavior was, but I will point out that it came from somewhere. I don't think it is all about overconfidence. That was some serious dissatisfaction you've described there - here are the clues:

 

fat

goodyear

blimp

choke

pull

hit

dated

 

Now, your counselor is a ninny. It's one thing to be cold or stingy with the compliments and affection. It is quite another to treat someone the way you treated her. You didn't learn that from your parents being distant.

 

I'd get to the bottom of your dissatisfaction if I were you.

[montanafrontier]

I'd be willing to bet you haven't changed at all. You were just threatened, and so for now, you're on high alert. I'm pretty focused on the way you treated her before you got your little shock. I'm not going to comment on how egregious your behavior was, but I will point out that it came from somewhere. I don't think it is all about overconfidence. That was some serious dissatisfaction you've described there - here are the clues:

 

fat

goodyear

blimp

choke

pull

hit

dated

 

Now, your counselor is a ninny. It's one thing to be cold or stingy with the compliments and affection. It is quite another to treat someone the way you treated her. You didn't learn that from your parents being distant.

 

I'd get to the bottom of your dissatisfaction if I were you.

 

 

That's your opinion and you have the freedom to state it. It offers no help and it is flat out wrong! I have completely changed and it wasent a little shoch, it was huge! If you don't have anything constructive to offer in this thread then please stay off it. The last thing anyone needs is negativity

[merrmeade]

You're physically and verbally abusive. It IS a crime, and you've made light of it. The behavior, the attitude - all of it is devaluing and demeaning the very existence of your mate.

 

You've been scared by her actions which are pulling away from you, but that is not enough. Moreover, she's resorted to this sexting affair instead of leaving, so she probably has some kind of co-dependence issues. If she gets over that - and I hope she does - you're dust. If she stays and neither of you call this what it is, you will do it again.

 

I feel strongly that abusers won't change without extreme measures to scare the bejeezus out of them to force them into treatment. Even then, it's like alcoholism because it's always there, always a potential. There's nothing else to talk about until you get into a program and dig out everything about that issue and accept that it's a lifelong problem. It won't go away until you do all of that.

[mightycpa]

That's your opinion and you have the freedom to state it. It offers no help and it is flat out wrong! I have completely changed and it wasent a little shoch, it was huge! If you don't have anything constructive to offer in this thread then please stay off it. The last thing anyone needs is negativity

I beg your pardon, but that is constructive. You just need to think a little harder about it.

 

Let me help. You're all upset because she started enjoying the nasty talk with somebody who misdialed her number. She enjoyed it so much that she sent naked pictures of herself. She even went so far as to go meet the guy, and the way you tell the story, she went there for companionship, found out that he was there for sex, and only then did she reject him.

 

She was looking for love, not sex. You have to know this, it's obvious, and you have to know that she's doing that because she wasn't getting it at home. Fine. But why wasn't she getting it at home?

 

It seems that you're willing to blame your earlier behavior on your parents and leave it at that. That's a cop out. Your words tell me that there are some things about her that you don't like, her physical appearance being the symbol that you chose to represent all that you think is wrong for her. Probably because her weight bothers her.

 

You say you're "devastated" that she would do this, but you want a detailed accounting of her behavior and you get upset when you can't get one. Why? My guess is that because deep down inside, this makes you angry, and now I'll circle back:

 

fat

goodyear

blimp

choke

pull

hit

 

That is anger too. It all ties together.

 

You don't need comfort and consoling. You need to understand yourself better. I don't know, nor do I care what that ends up doing to your relationship. But if you want a to be satisfied at the end of it, where you don't slide back mentally where you were before, then YOU are the key to this puzzle. If you had a hard time with compliments and affection from cold parenting, it's not a stretch to assume that your ability to be touchy-feely with yourself is sorely lacking too.

 

I could be wrong, but I'm willing to bet that the key to your success starts with understanding that. That you think of this suggestion as an attack tells me I've hit a nerve.

 

This is all I'll say on the subject. The rest is up to you.

[Blueskies66]

You seem to have little character. You are just one of those people that karma catches up with. I'm too old to be idealistic and wish you well and tell you I hope you will change. You are just one of those people for whom life just becomes sadder.

[aileD]

Listen. My kids used to fight a lot and say mean things to each other.

 

One day I had enough. I gave them colored pencils and nice paper and made them sit in their separate rooms for an hour working on THE BEST drawing of themselves they could make. Their own self portrait

 

They took the time, did a really great job at it too. Beautiful pics. We got together and they showed each other and everyone was proud. Then I told them to take each others pictures and curl them into a ball. Wad them up. Tear them, get them wet.

 

They were horrified because they spent so much time on them. But they did.reluctantly Then I told them to say sorry to the pictures and unwrinkle them...tape them together. And stare at them and apologize over and over to the drawings .

 

Then we had a discussion about how even though they apologized and tried to tape up the wounds and straighten out the paper, that it was still wrinkled and you could tell and it won't ever be the same. They hug each other's tattered drawings on their walls for the next few months as a reminder that words cut deep and sorry doesn't remove the damage made.

 

That's what your words did to your girl. Yeah you've changed. Hooray for you. You can't undo the damage you caused though. No matter how you try to smooth things out.

 

Just think about it

[usa1ah]

I hope she finds someone else.

 

 

She should of had you sent to jail for beating her up.

[sandylee1]

Why would you choke, and pull her hair and hit her? You're lucky you didn't spend time behind bars.

 

You have children.. Do you want your son to be like you? Because you say you learnt from your dad.

 

Or would you want your daughter to be with a man who choked her and hit her?

 

There's no excuse for your behaviour. Not paying complements is one thing, abuse is a way bigger issue.

 

Have you had therapy for your abusive behaviour?

 

When you say there was no affection growing up, do you not show your children affection?

 

In all honesty I don't even blame her for having the EA. She never left before the sexting because you made her feel worthless and like nobody else would want her.

She must have very low self esteem to have tolerated all that and know that you didn't love her and it was just because of the kids you were with her.

 

Did you get an overweight girlfriend to make you feel better about yourself? Because you also have a low self esteem and liked having the power?

 

If you can't get over her actions, she's probably feeling the same about your cheating, and which you set out to do on dating sites.

 

Sorry, but I wouldn't want my daughter to marry a man who treat her they way you've treated your GF.

 

I'm really struggling to believe you could be so nasty.

[BaileyB]

You have been physically and verbally abusive to her. For both your sake, I really hope that the counselling has helped and that you have done a radical 180, because if you haven't, I would tell her to leave you before the sun goes down...

 

Her behavior is equally as disturbing. A healthy, happy woman in a loving and intimate relationship with a man doesn't text nude pictures with a stranger, meet him and let him touch her. What she has done is not acceptable, it's not healthy, and it's not safe. She needs to make better decisions.

 

I would suggest that you return to marriage counselling. Something is not good in your marriage if this is happening... For the sake of your children, I urge you to continue to work on getting and staying healthy - both of you!

[lolablue17]

She confessed only after you caught her. And all her texting was deleted of course. How convenient.

 

There is the chance she told you everything. But it's only a chance.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm a hapless romantic at heart. I truly believe that people can change if they honestly want to AND do the work. I know that you're getting a very hard time here. I hope that you realize most members aren't even focusing on your wife's affair because they see it as a (well deserved) symptom of the horrible home environment you created for her.

 

Having said that I understand why you are devastated. Infidelity is agonizing in any situation. I firmly believe that the pain we bring on ourselves can be even worse to handle than that inflicted upon us as innocents.

 

The fact that you haven't left this forum after the brutal criticism is very promising...the fact that you felt the need to snap back at a poster you felt disrespected you is something you should focus on. I do believe that you are now trying in your marriage BUT you clearly have rage issues & without being taught proper coping mechanism by a professional I fear that in the future you may again "snap" when provoked, or you perceive disrespect from your wife.

 

If you can't afford extensive counciling & workshops at the moment there are internet sites & selfhelp groups available now. Please find the best help & support you can. You seem dedicated to improving yourself. We ALL need some extra support sometimes.

[sandylee1]

OP think about this... I she stayed with you, forgave you for:

 

 

Hitting her

Choking her

Pulling her hair

Namecalling

Humiliating her in front of others

Telling her you were only there because of the kids

 

Maybe the two of you aren't means to be together.

Your struggle to deal with this, could lead to your old ways coming back and you ramping up on the nasty name-calling.

 

There's no point in marriage while you feel this way, so give yourself a fixed time and if you feel the same, set her free and move on.