So 8 months later she shows up at my door fml

[divegrl]

This aint good guys. Seeing her has legit spiraled me backwards at a alarming rate. Im so hurt and still miss her so much. She shouldent have showed up here. im yearning for her so bad i think ive gone insane. Im contemplating finding her and just telling her how much she means to me but, my head is conflicting. I am literally broken all over again.

 

I've been following you're story. I am your first girlfriend. No no not literally. But the story is the same. My ex and I met at 18, had an amazing relationship for 3 years. We were both each other's "first". My ex went to the gym everyday ( back/bi, chest/tri, leg day, lol). But then things fell apart. We started arguing and we were both too stubborn. We broke up, he was devastated. I slept with some other guys , plz don't judge. But after 6 months I was like holy sh*t. What we had was amazing.

 

I went back to him in tears begging him to take me back. We did get back together for a couple of months but it wasn't the same. He said it was different now that I had been with other men and he really didn't trust me. Honestly I didn't respect him anymore because I knew now I could always run back to him.

 

Anyways we were on/off for 2 more years. Finally we said we loved each other but it would never be the same and ended it for good. Those 2 years were the most painful of my life and my ex says the same.

 

I'm sharing my story for you, in hopes that it will help. I know people on this forum will tear me apart, but only you know what is best.

 

Good luck to you my friend. Keep us updated.

[Mrlonelyone]

I've been following you're story. I am your first girlfriend. No no not literally. But the story is the same. My ex and I met at 18, had an amazing relationship for 3 years. We were both each other's "first". My ex went to the gym everyday ( back/bi, chest/tri, leg day, lol). But then things fell apart. We started arguing and we were both too stubborn. We broke up, he was devastated. I slept with some other guys , plz don't judge. But after 6 months I was like holy sh*t. What we had was amazing.

 

I went back to him in tears begging him to take me back. We did get back together for a couple of months but it wasn't the same. He said it was different now that I had been with other men and he really didn't trust me. Honestly I didn't respect him anymore because I knew now I could always run back to him.

 

Anyways we were on/off for 2 more years. Finally we said we loved each other but it would never be the same and ended it for good. Those 2 years were the most painful of my life and my ex says the same.

 

I'm sharing my story for you, in hopes that it will help. I know people on this forum will tear me apart, but only you know what is best.

 

Good luck to you my friend. Keep us updated.

 

No one will tear you up for this. Reconciliations that don't involve some real change on the part of both partners don't work. They take a long time to work out if they do. Something has to have changed or it just won't work.

 

Take my parents. They were together from 1972 married 1979 then separated and estranged for four years in the late 1990's. It took a four year break. They were with other people and 2000 miles apart with almost NO CONTACT. Very little contact at all even dealing with us kids.

 

But they eventually got back together and have been together another 20 years.

 

 

The OP needs to go NC and move on with the assumption he will never be in a relationship with this woman again. If and only if she qualified herself as having made some real changes or some circumstances have changed should they ever consider trying again. Use LS to vent OP just don't contact her.

Edited January 17, 2017 by Mrlonelyone

[MIKEB1950]

oh at 67 i am probably allowed to say .... whilst in respects you acted with maturity in reality you are still young, important to keep your heart young to; a guy once said to me "stay ignorant! cos when your green you grow when your ripe you rot"; so i am aware i know little and not everything but i have lived with it for a long time.

 

my sweetheart and me got married 43 years ago - she cheated right up till 2 months before the wedding, i knew nothing of it, her friends did clearly not my friends. But importantly i only found out some details after 20 years. I said some because i only found out full details of what was a lengthy affair just last December.

 

now am i likely to forfeit 43 years of harmony 5 kids and financial success NO! indeed could I ; probably not.

 

But you 5 years of experience some great some hurtful - you have another 60/70 years ahead of you - do you want the same odds for that period of time - probably not

 

Think about those best part of the five years as the basis for the future plan with whoever that might be never look back because as your head faces the wrong way you are likely to bump into a lot worse.

 

yes its easy for me from were i am now - but if I had known [as you have experienced] what was happening 43 years ago would i have married - probably not.

 

Do not waste that valuable, hurtful, gut wrenching experience

 

good luck and live a life that mattered

[whatdeww18]

I've been following you're story. I am your first girlfriend. No no not literally. But the story is the same. My ex and I met at 18, had an amazing relationship for 3 years. We were both each other's "first". My ex went to the gym everyday ( back/bi, chest/tri, leg day, lol). But then things fell apart. We started arguing and we were both too stubborn. We broke up, he was devastated. I slept with some other guys , plz don't judge. But after 6 months I was like holy sh*t. What we had was amazing.

 

I went back to him in tears begging him to take me back. We did get back together for a couple of months but it wasn't the same. He said it was different now that I had been with other men and he really didn't trust me. Honestly I didn't respect him anymore because I knew now I could always run back to him.

 

Anyways we were on/off for 2 more years. Finally we said we loved each other but it would never be the same and ended it for good. Those 2 years were the most painful of my life and my ex says the same.

 

I'm sharing my story for you, in hopes that it will help. I know people on this forum will tear me apart, but only you know what is best.

 

Good luck to you my friend. Keep us updated.

 

I think the post below speaks volumes to successful reconciliations. To the OP, I believe if you haven't healed to get past the hurt, nothing will work, even healing. Just have to take no contact, like serious don't even visit to heal.

 

To divegrl, did he take you back without much talk that you lost respect for him? Just trying to add to discussion as to what you think would have made a successful reconciliation?

 

So it seems that had the OP's ex been more mature and vocalized that she realized she loved the OP and had seen the break up as a step to realizing that she truly loved him, reconciliation would have been a possibility. I hope you don't take this personally as I have found myself in a similar situation. However, I believe you are using the hurt your ex caused you to motivate yourself to "move on" when you are using the hurt to distance yourself from your ex. As such, it would take your ex's words and actions to heal the pain. I believe moving on consists of forgiving your ex, despite her words and actions, and looking towards the future. This may or may not include your ex and a lot of time. Just my two cents and why I believe you are shaken up by her showing up at your door.

 

Hope the healing goes well OP. Again, just my opinion above from what I've been going through and able to conclude from self-analysis. Not an attack and truly wishing you a healthy recovery! Break ups hurt...

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

[Nadine123]

Just like marky, my ex who ghosted me contacted me again after seven months. He asked to meet and I refused. He called again and I didnt answer.

 

I woke up today feeling like crap. All the progress I have done has gone out of the window. I think we need to just remind ourselves that these people are selfish. They cant just show up whenever they want.

[niji]

I know you're young OP, but that doesn't mean you should keep making mistakes. Yes, the times you begged for her back was a mistake, but I don't blame you; we all make mistakes and that's how we grow.

 

BUT now, don't even entertain the idea of reconciliation. People who break up with their ex then come crawling back often are the type who couldn't get anyone "better" and realize grass really isn't greener. Be honest with yourself, if she was happy with Ryan Gosling or whoever she thinks is "hot", would she come back to you? She's only back because nobody else treats her well like you did. These people only care about themselves.

 

It seems like you've made a lot of progress, but that's about to be hampered if you let such toxicity back in your life. She sounds like a drama queen. Indeed some people live for drama, if life is all smooth sailing they don't know what they're living for unfortunately, most take at least two breakups to realize they've been used and abused, so I understand if you relapse. Love, after all, is an addiction and works like drugs: biologically they affect similar areas of the brain. But I'd still hope you are stronger than most people, and prove me wrong.

[Mrlonelyone]

my sweetheart and me got married 43 years ago - she cheated right up till 2 months before the wedding, i knew nothing of it, her friends did clearly not my friends. But importantly i only found out some details after 20 years. I said some because i only found out full details of what was a lengthy affair just last December.

 

now am i likely to forfeit 43 years of harmony 5 kids and financial success NO! indeed could I ; probably not.

 

But you 5 years of experience some great some hurtful - you have another 60/70 years ahead of you - do you want the same odds for that period of time - probably not

 

 

First let me congratulate you. What you just said is what it really takes to be married for 20, 30, 40 or more years. I don't know one couple married that long that never every had anyone stray and was perfect the whole time. There have always been breaks sometimes long ones.

 

My parents case in point.

 

So are you saying the OP should consider the long term possibility that if he took her back he could get a good long time partner out of it?

 

 

There are so many more stories of things not working out that way...on the other hand...isn't that kidna true of all dating?

[mightycpa]

yea my story is prolly posted on here like 80 times but, it took another loop. 5 year relationship she dumped me. Destroyed to peices. She hooked up with one of friends then, started dateing some other guy for the last five months. Than it takes a turn no contact for 7 months. 19 missed phone calls the other day i ducked them. Then guess who shows up at my door at 9 at night her. It was like seeing a ghost. I am now so confused of everything. i just kept asking her what she was here for and she kept saying closure but, thats a big ol lie. She just kept trying to tell me shes not a bad person and crying and what not. i told her how much pain she caused to my life when i did nothing to her and she cryed some more. How i wanted to spend my life with her and she said well you dont know where life is going to bring us. Now my heads in a big ol mess thanks life!

It's amazing how someone who has the discipline and works hard to be physically strong cannot do the same things to be mentally strong.

 

You need to bench press this girl right out of your life. Look her in the eye and tell her she disgusts you and you never want to see her again. It won't be easy, but it will help you move forward.

[Pumpingiron34]

It's amazing how someone who has the discipline and works hard to be physically strong cannot do the same things to be mentally strong.

 

You need to bench press this girl right out of your life. Look her in the eye and tell her she disgusts you and you never want to see her again. It won't be easy, but it will help you move forward.

 

I know you're young OP, but that doesn't mean you should keep making mistakes. Yes, the times you begged for her back was a mistake, but I don't blame you; we all make mistakes and that's how we grow.

 

BUT now, don't even entertain the idea of reconciliation. People who break up with their ex then come crawling back often are the type who couldn't get anyone "better" and realize grass really isn't greener. Be honest with yourself, if she was happy with Ryan Gosling or whoever she thinks is "hot", would she come back to you? She's only back because nobody else treats her well like you did. These people only care about themselves.

 

It seems like you've made a lot of progress, but that's about to be hampered if you let such toxicity back in your life. She sounds like a drama queen. Indeed some people live for drama, if life is all smooth sailing they don't know what they're living for unfortunately, most take at least two breakups to realize they've been used and abused, so I understand if you relapse. Love, after all, is an addiction and works like drugs: biologically they affect similar areas of the brain. But I'd still hope you are stronger than most people, and prove me wrong.

 

I've gathered my sanity since last night to some degree. I dident cave in and blow her up. I still have the desire. I mean i definitely wrote a nice 5 paragraph essay taring her apart but, i dont think i intend to send it. Ive inspired others going threw break ups by how powerful i moved on but, the honest way it was working was avoiding her at all cost everything about her. When she showed up it was like seeing a dead person and no less she put on her sweet act just to manipulate me right back to having me as a back up plan. Which wiped away the terrible picture i painted in my head of her. God i loved her dearly it makes my stomach turn. Im just going to resume no contact and i guess fight off the surges of demons that attack me. On the other hand if theirs one thing I've learned from the gym its pain = growth. whether its physical or mental. Im sure ill be back here leaning to the other side of the fence as i fight this war. She is a drama queen i feel this is exactly what she wants, shes always died for attention. Man, i was so close to the finish line i had more good then bad days i was truly accepting it and living my life. Next time she shows up im calling the cops shes truly a dangerous human being. I keep telling myself this is for my children that i do not have yet with her so she cant destroy them to. Because thats just what she'll do. I look forward to the next time theirs a sense of normalcy in my life because its been awhile.

Edited January 17, 2017 by Pumpingiron34
left details out

[Pumpingiron34]

Indeed some people live for drama, if life is all smooth sailing they don't know what they're living for unfortunately... This sentence is why I truly feel our relationship ended. Our life was to peaceful. Thank you

[Pumpingiron34]

Ok so i lost my sanity last night and deserve to be yelled at for this one. I got vengeful. I couldn't help it. So i texted her now boyfriend and let him know the games that have been going on and am sick of it. Here comes the whirlwind of drama that i deserve.

[bluefeather]

This could be a good example of how easy it is to fall back into the past. Hopefully, you can learn a valuable lesson here and continue to grow. Even if this can be considered a slip-up, I still have faith that you are a better human being than you were before.

[Pumpingiron34]

Thanks man, i totally am. I slipped up, ive just been used and pushed in a corner long enough i snapped back. The lies and manipulation she gets away with is almost sick. I just could not take it anymore. The boyfriend really dont believe me but, good have her. Shes all yours.

[bluefeather]

I would advise you to block her and his number. Get that stuff out of your life.

[Pumpingiron34]

I would advise you to block her and his number. Get that stuff out of your life.

 

Already did, who shows up 8 months later banging on your windows, calling 19 times just to literally manipulate you. WHO DOES THIS ****? She's like i been driving around your house for a week now and your cars never home. Like what? you have a boyfriend wth are you doing driving around my block. Just to ask me if i still have feelings and tell me she became a dick magnet after we broke up. OMG what girl even uses that statement. Whats even more nuts is do i even really love her at all at this point? or do i have abused house wife syndrome.

[divegrl]

Already did, who shows up 8 months later banging on your windows, calling 19 times just to literally manipulate you. WHO DOES THIS ****? She's like i been driving around your house for a week now and your cars never home. Like what? you have a boyfriend wth are you doing driving around my block. Just to ask me if i still have feelings and tell me she became a dick magnet after we broke up. OMG what girl even uses that statement. Whats even more nuts is do i even really love her at all at this point? or do i have abused house wife syndrome.

 

Who does this? Someone who is very insecure and looking for an ego boost.

[Been]

You did the right thing. Mine showed up at my door as well but I made the mistake of letting her in and hearing her out. And she really turned it on. I was the greatest. She didn't know what she had etc. She even had a typed letter explaining everything.

So I take her back and everything is great for maybe a month. We got engaged.

But as months progressed she reverted back to her old behavior-distant,moody, etc. We ended up breaking up. Turns out the whole time she was cheating on me like last time.

So you did the right thing. I know how much you wanted to get back togeather but if you think she hurt you bad the first time the second time will be worse.

And like the above female poster stated her respect for you is low-take her back and her respect for you is 0.

I think she feels guilty and doesn't like feeling like that. I also think she realizes she basically threw something great away and that bothers her.

Or-and this would be if she was truly evil-she just wanted to see if you were still a possible option.

[EvilLawStudent]

The pain will go away, it takes a while though I remember when I fist broke up with my ex girlfriend, I couldn't forget about her for 1 year and one day I was walking in the market and I realised I didn't think about her for 1 week and I stopped caring lol.. she then messaged me and guess what BOOOOOM all NC was a waste so block and run.

 

Work on yourself maintain a healthy diet.

Get good sleep.

Excercise

Socialise.

 

 

Good luck to you.

[Pumpingiron34]

You did the right thing. Mine showed up at my door as well but I made the mistake of letting her in and hearing her out. And she really turned it on. I was the greatest. She didn't know what she had etc. She even had a typed letter explaining everything.

So I take her back and everything is great for maybe a month. We got engaged.

But as months progressed she reverted back to her old behavior-distant,moody, etc. We ended up breaking up. Turns out the whole time she was cheating on me like last time.

So you did the right thing. I know how much you wanted to get back togeather but if you think she hurt you bad the first time the second time will be worse.

And like the above female poster stated her respect for you is low-take her back and her respect for you is 0.

I think she feels guilty and doesn't like feeling like that. I also think she realizes she basically threw something great away and that bothers her.

Or-and this would be if she was truly evil-she just wanted to see if you were still a possible option.

 

Honestly, your entire first part sounds like exactly what id predict would happen. Distant/moody and needy. As time has gone on those parts of the relationship have faded from my memory but, thats what caused me to stop putting my best foot foward. My head kinda plays tricks on me saying well now shes different with this new guy. No no no shes not different at all she was saying the same things 8 months ago she has not changed at all. I think its a combination of all three of those things. She showed up to my door like sweet talking me as if we were still together. I honestly cant even remember the whole convo it was so bizarre. Switching from trying to blame me for what she did, then talking about being together then talking about wanting closure. Shes emotionally lost it i think. I think she tried flinging from the relationship and downing it in booze partying and hooking up and now that its getting older and older its all hitting her. It was not until she left and i texted her saying listen if you really think you messed up blah blah blah blah. Then got no response i realized i had been played. God, makes my stomach turn the amount of **** i did for this girl and rough times i was by her side just to have her abandon me, play games and nail a bunch of guys including friends after we broke up. Its almost sick. She'll be back no doubt but, i gotta call the cops this time. I cant face her shes a master manipulator ill lose every time. Shed convince a frog it was a dog. Such a sweet pretty girl makes it impossible to even believe even to me so other people are just fked.

[whatdeww18]

Honestly, your entire first part sounds like exactly what id predict would happen. Distant/moody and needy. As time has gone on those parts of the relationship have faded from my memory but, thats what caused me to stop putting my best foot foward. My head kinda plays tricks on me saying well now shes different with this new guy. No no no shes not different at all she was saying the same things 8 months ago she has not changed at all. I think its a combination of all three of those things. She showed up to my door like sweet talking me as if we were still together. I honestly cant even remember the whole convo it was so bizarre. Switching from trying to blame me for what she did, then talking about being together then talking about wanting closure. Shes emotionally lost it i think. I think she tried flinging from the relationship and downing it in booze partying and hooking up and now that its getting older and older its all hitting her. It was not until she left and i texted her saying listen if you really think you messed up blah blah blah blah. Then got no response i realized i had been played. God, makes my stomach turn the amount of **** i did for this girl and rough times i was by her side just to have her abandon me, play games and nail a bunch of guys including friends after we broke up. Its almost sick. She'll be back no doubt but, i gotta call the cops this time. I cant face her shes a master manipulator ill lose every time. Shed convince a frog it was a dog. Such a sweet pretty girl makes it impossible to even believe even to me so other people are just fked.

 

She does seem really confused and going about the break up in a very immature way. This is all about her and her feelings, not how her actions/feelings affect you and others. It takes time and life lessons to mature and learn lessons from a break up and I think she will need a lot of time. Like you pointed out, I also believe she is starting, emphasis on starting to, go through the break up. Like with any lesson, you really only learn them on your own. I'm sure you're very aware that the best thing to do is completely cut her out of your life as you have and appreciate the 4 years you had spent loving each other. At least keep it a positive in your mind. Slowly with time, remove the bitterness and pain, and you can heal fully from all of this crazyness. I'm sorry for all the pain she has put you through!

 

Wishing you the best

-WhatDEWWWWW

[Been]

And that's what you have to remember above all else-she's a master manipulator. Give them any kind of opening and they are in. They are experts at telling you what you want to hear and changing a story around to suit thier needs. The more you are in contact with them the more of a chance you let them back in.

It's only after you distance yourself from them that you see what they really are. The distance is like a weapon against manipulators for it gives them no chance to lay thier groundwork. Stay strong.

[Pumpingiron34]

She does seem really confused and going about the break up in a very immature way. This is all about her and her feelings, not how her actions/feelings affect you and others. It takes time and life lessons to mature and learn lessons from a break up and I think she will need a lot of time. Like you pointed out, I also believe she is starting, emphasis on starting to, go through the break up. Like with any lesson, you really only learn them on your own. I'm sure you're very aware that the best thing to do is completely cut her out of your life as you have and appreciate the 4 years you had spent loving each other. At least keep it a positive in your mind. Slowly with time, remove the bitterness and pain, and you can heal fully from all of this crazyness. I'm sorry for all the pain she has put you through!

 

Wishing you the best

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

I agree. Starting to very slowly a couple more months of not contacting and i think its going to hit her really really hard. She did not think anything through. Sad bc by that time i should be way more stable while shes going to be feeling it. Her fault though hope she really dident think she could party forever.

[Pumpingiron34]

Will I ever be able to get this girl out of my dam head. Its been like 9 months so far. I feel like every day is a constant battle versing feelings of emptiness and betrayal that just seem to attack me randomly. Im so sick of living like this. Its like missing some one that does not exist but, does at the same time. Ill have moments where i feel like i truly feel like i have moved on. Then, ill have moments where i miss her so dam much it burns. Its not like im even hanging on to hopes of reconciling bc the stuff she did is just so dam horrible. There is no going back but, at the same time i wish i could idk go back in time. Spent 5 years together in such a developmental period of life. Just thinking about all the work i put in just have her toss it and end up with another guy i guess just kills me. I miss her and i should not at all, theres nothing even left. I just wish i could feel normal again and not have these thoughts attack me. I honestly cant even believe id even consider another ltr ever. This ****s so painful i could laugh thinking about it. Of course my full story is on here but, im just feeling low again lately.

[d0nnivain]

5 years is a significant relationship. the healing is not a linear process. It's one step forward 2 steps back some days but it does get better.

 

 

I played a game with myself. I said I wasn't going to cry for 1/2 hour. When I got good at that, I ramped it up to 1 hour, then 1/2 a day, then a whole day, then a week etc.

 

 

Eventually the pain lessened & I moved on.

 

 

You will too.

 

 

One thing that helps is a list of all the bad points about the other person & all the good reasons you are not together. Read that at your lowest points. Also make a list of all the things you wanted to do but couldn't / didn't while you were together then set about doing those things.

[GeorgeWP93]

Will I ever be able to get this girl out of my dam head. Its been like 9 months so far. I feel like every day is a constant battle versing feelings of emptiness and betrayal that just seem to attack me randomly. Im so sick of living like this. Its like missing some one that does not exist but, does at the same time. Ill have moments where i feel like i truly feel like i have moved on. Then, ill have moments where i miss her so dam much it burns. Its not like im even hanging on to hopes of reconciling bc the stuff she did is just so dam horrible. There is no going back but, at the same time i wish i could idk go back in time. Spent 5 years together in such a developmental period of life. Just thinking about all the work i put in just have her toss it and end up with another guy i guess just kills me. I miss her and i should not at all, theres nothing even left. I just wish i could feel normal again and not have these thoughts attack me. I honestly cant even believe id even consider another ltr ever. This ****s so painful i could laugh thinking about it. Of course my full story is on here but, im just feeling low again lately.

 

I know exactly how you feel, I've been there, I'm there right now but the only bit of advice that helped me is that you choose to feel like this, you choose to be happy, just think, say it to yourself that you don't need her and that you want to be happy, when you catch yourself having negative thoughts, change them into positive.

 

It's difficult, I don't understand how people deal with it so easily!