HannahGo Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 I am 24 and have only ever had one bf. I am attractive, funny, and smart. But I don't seem to be the 'girlfriend' type. I went out with a guy for a year and we broke up 2 years ago. I go on dates every now and then but no one has taken my interest to the point where I even want to see them for a third time. I can go out to bars or parties and flirt with guys but then when it comes to meeting them in the daytime, or sober, I freeze up. All of my friends seem to drift from relationship to relationship with effortless ease. Even my ex has since had 2 serious girlfriends. But I could never imagine committing myself to someone (or even seeing them more than a few times) unless I had that spark with them. And I've only sparked with 3 guys in my entire life! Is there something wrong with me?? I don't want to be alone forever, but I keep raising the bar and it looks like that’s the way its heading. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Hi HannahGo, There is no need to lower your standards. You are just a unique individual, which is a good thing. My friends seem to drift from relationship to relationship with ease. I think that people are able to do that because their standards are not high at all. Your standards are high because you know what you want out of a relationship, which is a good thing. I sometimes get frustrated because very seldom do I find a person that I click with. The way that i look at it, good things come to those who wait. Keep your ears and eyes open and eventually the next great guy will come into your life, a guy that you will click with, when you least expect it of course. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Definately do NOT lower your standards. When the time is right you'll find the right relationship. If you are feeling left out though it doesn't hurt just to date casually and see where it leads you. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Oh, trust me, I KNOW what you are talking about. I'm 25 and go through the same thing. I cannot tell you how many (cough, cough, HORRIBLE) dates I have been on. Dreadful. I could NEVER settle for no sparks, you sound the same way. We just need to hold out. Wait for the great thing. If you so happen to meet someone you at least relate to, I agree with ZAIRA, casually date them. Just hang out. They may not be the One but at least they are someone you can hang out, have fun, and spend time with. Yesterday, I went on a great day long boat trip with this guy I knew is not the One. But I ended up having a freaking blast anyway! It turned out we have wayy more in common than expected and though we both know we are not going to have a relationship, I think we're going to have a great friendship. He said something interesting that you may get something from: "There are relationships that are there for either a reason, season, or a lifetime, I think I'm your Reason." He went on to say that he is here to show me that I need to let go of the past. Move on. Stop wasting energy pining for the ex. Refuse to spend energy there. Which reminds me: you and I both need to stop believing that chemistry is sooo hard come by (even though it may be, but that's not the point, worrying about it does NOTHING). So, refuse to give that thought energy. Just enjoy this moment. You never ever know what is around the corner. We are one day closer to finding what we are looking for! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Time for a social scientist perspective here. While I agree that high standards are good, I would offer you this caveat. High standards in dating are unconsciously shaped by media and by our experience in shopping in consumer-driven markets. This is particularly true for the well educated, for women (particularly younger women in their 20s) and for those with little recent relationship experience. Sound like anyone you know? My advice therefore is to retain high standards, but deliberately condition them by (a) what is actually available, not what you wish were available (b) who you can actually attract and get on with. It would also be worth analysing what makes you spark. Relationships are not about the initial spark, but lasting, slow-burning passion. I've learnt this the hard way - I'd like to think I could spare someone else the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo It would also be worth analysing what makes you spark. Relationships are not about the initial spark, but lasting, slow-burning passion. I've learnt this the hard way - I'd like to think I could spare someone else the pain. RELUCTANT ROMEO, could you elaborate more on that? I know that in the past I have fell for the Instant Attraction and it has, in fact, got me no where. (Or perhaps somewhere since it felt like fu(king bliss in the moment and no I would not trade any moment for anything. Yes, Romantic heart here...) Tell us about this slow-burning passion. Is the attraction still there? How do you separate the Instant Attraction from the Slow-Burning kind?? Please share. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 I've got pretty high standards and I have settled for what was available and what I attracted. Big mistake. I was getting to the point of thinking that I was hoping for the impossible. Then I found out that what I want does indeed exist. It's just sometimes what you want is very rare but it's worth the wait. You can't put time limits on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Do you not believe in dating for fun? When you approach every date as a potential mate then you are limiting yourself to a few individuals. The more people you meet the better your chances of finding the "one". He may not be what you expected him to be but you love him just the same. If you high standards are not making you happy then it may be time to reevaluate what is important to you.... Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 All of my friends seem to drift from relationship to relationship with effortless ease. Even my ex has since had 2 serious girlfriends. But I could never imagine committing myself to someone (or even seeing them more than a few times) unless I had that spark with them. And I've only sparked with 3 guys in my entire life! Ask yourself "Is this a bad thing? Do I feel uncomfortable with this?" I think that's what it gets down to. I think that someone, somewhere will catch your attention. Someone will come along, and they will be 'different'. You will know, because you will feel it when you talk to them. Maybe right now you're not really too serious about dating, so you're just going to bars and having some harmless fun with flirtation, meeting people who are also probably engaged in harmless flirtation. But my prediction is, one day - maybe at a party, or maybe just out somewhere with your friend - you'll meet someone who you will like and respect, and be attracted to, and it will add up. Is there something wrong with me?? I don't want to be alone forever, but I keep raising the bar and it looks like that’s the way its heading. What bar's being raised? Is it a superficial bar, or is it a bar that means something important to you. Be practical but don't feel like you have to compromise on the important things. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by SummerRae RELUCTANT ROMEO, could you elaborate more on that? I know that in the past I have fell for the Instant Attraction and it has, in fact, got me no where. The sad fact is that much of our instinct is set by childhood experiences. Both good and bad. After observing my own pattern, I'm beginning to see the mechanism for at least some of what makes me spark. And it's not all good - some of what I am instinctively seeking is actually quite bad for me. It's always easier to see with other people. The obvious example is girls with abusive fathers picking guys who look nice to start with but end up showing their true abusive colours. The abusive nature is not obvious to a casual observer or to the girls' conscious minds, but somehow at an instinctive ("sparky") level, the girls are picking up on this. Tell us about this slow-burning passion. Is the attraction still there? How do you separate the Instant Attraction from the Slow-Burning kind?? Please share. I'm in a process of understanding this. I think time separates them. Attraction is definitely still there though. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear He may not be what you expected him to be but you love him just the same. If you high standards are not making you happy then it may be time to reevaluate what is important to you.... Repeated for emphasis. Link to post Share on other sites
Zephyr45 Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 I think you should evaluate your standards. It would also help if you explained them to us. If you standards are like "I'm only attracted to 10/10 hot model guys" then you might need to reconsider that. If your standards are more like "he needs to make me feel good when I'm with him" well then, that's not something you should really mess with, of course. Although, it would be interesting to see why all the men you've met all fail in this example. I have to admit, I cringe when I hear you all repeat that "wait for the One" line. I think the person you marry and choose to dedicate the rest of your life to should be the One, but I don't think you can go on a date with a person, determine they are not the One, and say goodbye, see ya later, you didn't make the cut, I'm not interested in even casually dating anyone BUT the One. Your standard at this point should be whether or not you have fun with the person, not whether or not they are marriage material and you can see yourself growing old with. I wouldn't be willing to risk the fact that the non-one you passed up was really the One in disguise, and that you just didn't give it the proper chance. Link to post Share on other sites
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