Having Trouble finding a way to initiate contact to see if there is interest

[jason_12345]

Hi all,

 

To start: I am married and have two younger children. However for the last couple of years my marriage has been terrible. We've been to counselling and things haven't been much better. I'm still not sure what I want to do and both my wife and I are trying to figure this out.

 

As luck would have it over the last little while i've been attracted to a woman who works at the child care center my kids frequent. It started with more eye contact, smiles, and then we had conversations, I tend to notice that she seems to be looking out for when I arrive so she can come say hello, etc. This is the first time for me that I have been this interested in another woman. I've thought other women were good looking, nice, etc but never once have I struggled thinking about someone all of the time, hoping I can run into them, almost acting like a young boy and his first crush really.

 

The problem for me however is I may be completely wrong on all of this. I've never noticed a woman become this interested in me, or see so often at different random times so I am 99% sure she is interested. But I have no idea how to find out.

 

For one, I think if she was not interested then I can go back to being unhappy, working on my marriage, etc. If she is, it could work out but it may not. However I don't know if I should even try to express my feelings.

 

Since I don't think it is appropriate to ask at her workplace, I don't know if sending her an email to thank her for doing something for my kids is too creepy. I believe based on her reply I could tell a lot but i'd have to go digging into a group email list for hers, and obviously it might look a little odd especially if there is no spark on her end and i've read the entire thing wrong.

 

I realize most will say to not contact this woman and I completely respect that. I am a terrible person that just wants to know if he is compatible with someone else. I want to be happier than I have been but I don't think I would be happy on my own either.

 

Anyway - hoping you all don't destroy me too much. I just feel incredibly stuck as I see the potential to be happier but see the complications as well.

 

Thanks,

Jason

[preraph]

You are married. Anyone who would get involved with you knowing that isn't a great person. You need to figure out whether you want to stay married or not and stop hitting on women until you are fully divorced or otherwise you will only get interest from a woman with no ethics at all! You're acting like a child. Deal with your marriage and stop looking for distractions to stop you from facing that.

[jason_12345]

You are married. Anyone who would get involved with you knowing that isn't a great person. You need to figure out whether you want to stay married or not and stop hitting on women until you are fully divorced or otherwise you will only get interest from a woman with no ethics at all! You're acting like a child. Deal with your marriage and stop looking for distractions to stop you from facing that.

 

Ouch...I do appreciate the honesty however. I am a completely different love-struck person right now.

 

Just to clarify I am not hitting on women. Although yes I have found some attractive, I don't think that is uncommon. I have never flirted or acted on anything. Maybe a little borderline with this new woman however. Nothing over the line but have not minded smiling or talking to her.

 

We actually have been working on the marriage. We both know it isn't good. We've done counselling. We've had talks (in a mature non-fighting way) and both agree that things aren't right.

 

Anyway it is very hard to explain. I'm worried that I am with the wrong person but have no idea how to know for sure.

[BetrayedH]

If you're really serious about trying to figure out the right thing to do, I strongly recommend reading the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It's a minimal investment of time and money and what you are considering here has life-altering consequences. My (former) spouse said that if she has read this book prior, her affair never would have happened.

 

To be blunt, your ethical, moral, rational, and healthy choices are either to fix your marriage or leave it. Having an affair will obviously not fix your marriage. It will drop a nuke on it. If you're going to do that, you just need to leave the marriage first. Don't go playing single while you keep your wife faithful to a sham of a marriage.

[BaileyB]

Save yourself a lot of heartache, have some integrity and end your marriage before you start another relationship.

 

I have worked in day cares and receiving an email from the married father of the children I was caring for would have been a totally creepy and awful thing to happen. You should know that if she rejects your advances, the news could very likely go through the staff at the daycare and get back to your wife... There was a divorced father chasing a married woman at the centre where I worked... The staff watched it happen and talked about it like a soap opera everyday...

 

I understand that you are unhappy and you would like the validation of knowing that someone else is interested. But, you know what you need to do...

Edited January 15, 2017 by BaileyB

[Cymbeline]

An affair - or an approach - to a woman who is looking after your small children?

 

How is that going to work out then?

 

Think about it.

 

Yuck. Don't be such an old goat.

[aileD]

Don't think you're going to find what you're looking for in a forum full of people that have been betrayed by husbands like you.

[tinkerbell16]

Based on this concept, your wife should go f!&k another man to see if you are the right man for her.

 

Makes total sense.

[mikeylo]

Maybe ask your wife to find out for you ?

[jason_12345]

Hi all - thanks for the feedback. I was not expecting a "go for it" at all so the insults do help. I don't expect sympathy just trying to explain my feelings, figure why I feel this way for this person in particular and never anyone else, etc.

 

Our marriage has been awkward for a bit. This new interest did not cause the marriage issues.

 

Just a couple of things though. This woman does not look after my children, but is around. I certainly know that if I read this all wrong that i'd be opening myself up for ridicule. I do realize this is wrong but I want to know if this person has interest in me. Maybe I have underlying issues unrelated to all of this that are causing this but this is the first time feeling this way in at least 10 years. In my mind, I wasn't going to email and confess my interest, just thank her for helping with my child the other day when she didn't need to. Again in my mind if she replied it could probably tell a lot (i.e. could begin getting over this if I read the situation wrong).

 

I don't expect sympathy but this has been a struggle for me. These are weird feelings that I never expected.

 

Anyway thank you - and sorry if some of you have been hurt by idiots like me.

[Jump Through Loops]

As luck would have it over the last little while i've been attracted to a woman who works at the child care center my kids frequent. It started with more eye contact, smiles, and then we had conversations, I tend to notice that she seems to be looking out for when I arrive so she can come say hello, etc.

 

Perhaps I shouldn't tell you this as it will defeat the objective of the employee, but I feel that it needs to be mentioned before you cause a lot of damage for everyone...

 

 

…Being married to someone who has spent 15 odd years in managing an Early Years Learning facility I can tell you why this employee is most likely showing such an interest in you. She either suspects or is already aware that there are problems at home Therefore, being friendly, smiles, eye contact, approaching you whenever she can and having conversations with you is all for the purpose of putting you at ease so that you she can asses what those problems could be without being seen as interfering. Her interest is not you as such, it's the welfare of your children she's interested in. She would be doing the same thing with your wife.

[gettingstronger]

Hello,

 

I'm a teacher. We are nice to all parents and make them feel welcome. We are accustomed to "hot for teacher" and get hit on a lot. You will be a great break room story as a creepy Dad. Your kids will get extra attention because we will feel bad for them. We would feel sorry for your wife.

[BaileyB]

^^ also true. Especially if your children are behaving differently, the daycare workers will ask because they want to know if things are not good at home.

[MJJean]

You don't need to get further involved with the daycare employee to know anything other than how to commit adultery with a daycare worker. Your questions are easily answered.

 

Yes, you are compatible with more than one person. There are over 7 billion people on the planet. None of us are special little snowflakes. The idea that there is only one compatible partner for each of us is totally ridiculous.

 

Yes, if your marriage is as difficult and unhappy as you present it here, you probably married someone who is not a good match for you.

 

There. Now you have no reason to take things any further with the daycare lady unless you decide to divorce your wife and have filed the papers, at minimum.

[whatshappenedtome]

Don't do it!!

 

I learnt the hard way, it's not worth it.

 

Believe me, the consequences of an affair will be devastating for your wife and children.

 

Leave your wife if it's that terrible and then you can pursue someone else. Just imagine your children's faces when they see their mother crushed and their dad, who they loved and trusted, blow apart the family.

 

If I knew then what I know now...

 

And luckily I don't have children.

[jason_12345]

Thank you again everyone. Maybe I didn't explain things well but nothing has happened and i'm trying to figure out why I am having these feelings. I am not being made fun of in the break room, no one is concerned for my kids welfare (yes I would know if there were concerns), etc. I do however take the points as valid especially if I put myself out there and attempted to create something. But nothing of the such has happened. I have a good relationship with the owner (no not that kind) and have had discussions in the past on kids progress, helping out with volunteer things, etc. She is the type that would bring problems up.

 

Anyway I will bow out now. I know what I need to do. Thank you to those that could kind of understand where I was coming from.

[ShatteredLady]

Can I just add that taking an interest in an attractive woman is a sign. It's a sign that you're starting to check-out of your marriage. PLEASE be very careful.

 

I believe you when you say that your marital problems existed before you noticed this lady BUT believe me, interest in another amplifies marriage issues.

 

 

When we start to notice, have romantic thoughts, fantasize etc it feels good. It can be a little escape from the day-to-day grind. ALL relationships have problems, it ebbs & flows. ALL relationships eventually take work.

 

So very many people find themselves in affairs. They start to believe that their marriage is over & they are much better suited to the OW. The mind becomes full of the amazing future, guilt flickers but we justify our actions. THEN d-day hits. Reality comes smashing in.

 

The partner who's feelings have been largely ignored crumples & shatters. Suddenly she comes back into focus. You see the agony that you've inflicted on the woman who once filled your dreams, your beloved children, your life together AND it's devastating!!

 

At that point so many wish that they had a time machine. They would give anything to make it all go away but they can't. The damage has been done. Your marriage is now scared.

 

You haven't really done anything yet. Just a few fantasies & what if's? Please read what I've said. You do have that prized time machine. You can stop before you start. Remember the day you married. See, I mean REALLY SEE the love of your life, your family. Try to drop resentments. Work with a selfless open heart. Marriage isn't a competition! What does it matter if you back down, accept her faults (remembering that you have plenty of your own) & focus only on the good stuff? It makes for a much happier life

[S2B]

Hi all - thanks for the feedback. I was not expecting a "go for it" at all so the insults do help. I don't expect sympathy just trying to explain my feelings, figure why I feel this way for this person in particular and never anyone else, etc.

 

Our marriage has been awkward for a bit. This new interest did not cause the marriage issues.

 

Just a couple of things though. This woman does not look after my children, but is around. I certainly know that if I read this all wrong that i'd be opening myself up for ridicule. I do realize this is wrong but I want to know if this person has interest in me. Maybe I have underlying issues unrelated to all of this that are causing this but this is the first time feeling this way in at least 10 years. In my mind, I wasn't going to email and confess my interest, just thank her for helping with my child the other day when she didn't need to. Again in my mind if she replied it could probably tell a lot (i.e. could begin getting over this if I read the situation wrong).

 

I don't expect sympathy but this has been a struggle for me. These are weird feelings that I never expected.

 

Anyway thank you - and sorry if some of you have been hurt by idiots like me.

 

These feelings come from a place of your ego being out of balance for any man saying he committed to a marriage.

 

Discuss it with a therapist. Ask for help getting your ego back in check.

[gettingstronger]

Thank you again everyone. Maybe I didn't explain things well but nothing has happened and i'm trying to figure out why I am having these feelings. I am not being made fun of in the break room, no one is concerned for my kids welfare (yes I would know if there were concerns), etc. I do however take the points as valid especially if I put myself out there and attempted to create something. But nothing of the such has happened. I have a good relationship with the owner (no not that kind) and have had discussions in the past on kids progress, helping out with volunteer things, etc. She is the type that would bring problems up.

 

Anyway I will bow out now. I know what I need to do. Thank you to those that could kind of understand where I was coming from.

 

 

Sorry if you miss understood my comment. I wrote in the future tense, as in if you make a play, that's more than likely what happens next. Again, Dads making a play happens all the time. I was just letting you know what happens next. We've even compared make the play email.... Usually- want coffee or lunch, don't mention to anyone....

[BaileyB]

Sorry if you miss understood my comment. I wrote in the future tense, as in if you make a play, that's more than likely what happens next. Again, Dads making a play happens all the time. I was just letting you know what happens next. We've even compared make the play email.... Usually- want coffee or lunch, don't mention to anyone....

 

True. Be aware... Best to know the consequences of the decision.

 

I don't think it's uncommon for a man to notice a beautiful or nice woman. But a man who is happy with his marriage, would never consider any further action.

 

It would seem that you have some work to do on yourself, and your marriage.

[jason_12345]

Sorry if you miss understood my comment. I wrote in the future tense, as in if you make a play, that's more than likely what happens next. Again, Dads making a play happens all the time. I was just letting you know what happens next. We've even compared make the play email.... Usually- want coffee or lunch, don't mention to anyone....

 

Thank you for the clarification. I didn't realize this sort of thing was so rampant. As someone else mentioned I think i've got an ego issue and just knowing if she was interested would be a huge increase. It's almost like wanting to be liked again, but I do understand the need first to try to see if my marriage can come back to that.

[jason_12345]

True. Be aware... Best to know the consequences of the decision.

 

I don't think it's uncommon for a man to notice a beautiful or nice woman. But a man who is happy with his marriage, would never consider any further action.

 

It would seem that you have some work to do on yourself, and your marriage.

 

Yup exactly. I think this is the perfect way of explaining things. The concern is if the marriage does not work as we'd tried counselling, talking, etc. Not sure what else to do hence why this whole situation just feels so weird and foreign.

[basil67]

Hello,

 

I'm a teacher. We are nice to all parents and make them feel welcome. We are accustomed to "hot for teacher" and get hit on a lot. You will be a great break room story as a creepy Dad. Your kids will get extra attention because we will feel bad for them. We would feel sorry for your wife.

 

This ^^

 

Any child care worker worth their salt will greet the parents warmly at the end of the day. And yes, they will take notice of the child's home environment.

 

I find it incredibly sad that some women in the workplace are viewed by some men as potential lovers instead of as a professional who's doing her job.

 

OP, if you approach her on private email, expect her to report you to her supervisor. And expect the supervisor to put you in your place. Also, expect your wife to find out.

[BetrayedH]

Not sure what else to do...

 

Gee, if only there were a book out there that would help you understand these feelings you're having.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jason, sorry to see you here facing a quandary. What you are experiencing is quite human. The good folk here are being helpful with advice and ideas to help you through something which may cause a terrible upheaval in your family life. Guess the advice is all good so I will take a bit of a different tack.

 

I think the most important thing you have to realise is that happiness with your life or your marriage or with anything is not something outside of yourself but emanates from within you. The source of your dissatisfaction comes from deep within you and you may need IC or therapy to discover exactly what is causing this. It is not the job of your wife to make you feel happy just as it is not your job to make her happy. On the other hand you have to sit and analyse what exactly is irking you in your marriage. You have made a generic statement that things are not good in your marriage. However have you pinpointed what exactly is causing you discomfort? Has your wife specified what is causing a problem for her. Unless both of you sit down and pinpoint the problems that face the two of you, you will not be able to work on resolving these. Sometimes it may emerge that the two of you are completely incompatible. In such a case it may be best if you recognize this fact and separate amicably. If incompatibility is not the problem then it may just be plain boredom and that is something within your control.

 

If you have settled into a routine which is causing this boredom maybe just radically changing things around would be the catalyst to get you and your wife on a more satisfying path together. My point in all this is that you have to take charge of your life and make things happen rather than be a passive entity buffeted around by the vagaries of life in general. Hope this helps some. Cheers!